What to Expect the Toddler Years (273 page)
Read What to Expect the Toddler Years Online
Authors: Heidi Murkoff
Parting can be sweet rather than sorrowful—if you play your cards right. If you’re anxious and nervous as you wave good-bye, your toddler may believe that your leaving is something to really be upset about and will likely feel anxious and nervous, too. On the other hand, chances are good that if you handle your departure with aplomb, your toddler will, too. For some children, farewells are easier on home turf, where they’re surrounded by the familiar and friendly. For others, a trip to the airport or the train station, with all their exciting sights and sounds, might be just the ticket to a smooth farewell. Either way, allot plenty of time in your schedule for calm, attentive, loving good-byes; a frantic dash to the car or to the gate will be frazzling for all. Be generous with the kisses and hugs, but don’t cling, weep, or otherwise display anxiety. Reassure your child that you’ll be thinking of him or her and that you will be back soon (to make the time period seem more concrete, you can translate “two days” into “two long sleeps” or “two bedtimes”). Using the same parting phrase you use when going off to work or when dropping your child off at school (“Have fun, play hard, get dirty,” for example) may also help make it clear that you will return—just as you always do.
Accept your child’s reaction, whatever it is. When a parent leaves, children may scream and cry, plead and cajole, turn their backs in a huff, or seem to ignore their parents altogether (either to display their displeasure or because the entire event is beyond their comprehension). Ask for but don’t demand a hug and a kiss good-bye. (For more on good-byes, see page 22.)
Coming to associate parental trips with familiar and pleasant “going away” and “coming home” traditions can provide comfort and security—especially if parents travel frequently. So initiate some fun rituals to enjoy with your toddler before you leave on a trip (eating pancakes together at the airport coffee shop before your flight, reading a book about a parent going on a trip, making “cards” to leave under each other’s pillow, reciting your own special version of “See you later, alligator” or singing your own special good-bye song). Also establish rituals that your toddler can associate with your homecoming (baking a cake and decorating the house in preparation for your arrival party, visiting the frozen yogurt store or going to the movies together once you’re back). Observe these rituals faithfully (make time for them even if you’re harried, running late, or dead tired; don’t let packing or unpacking, last-minute calls, or catching up on messages and mail get in the way) and your toddler will always have something to look forward to when you go on a trip—and something to look forward to when you return (in addition to you). After a time, this should make your adults-only trips less threatening, maybe even fun, for your child.
Long distance is the next best thing to being there—sometimes. The effect of long-distance phone contact with your toddler while you’re away depends on your toddler.
Some children get a thrill out of talking to absent parents on the phone, love to hear parental voices digitally pre-recorded or taped (reading a favorite bedtime story or singing a lullabye, perhaps), enjoy looking at pictures of Mommy and Daddy. With such a child, call like clockwork—at the same time every day, if possible—even if he or she isn’t ready to talk back on the telephone. Be upbeat and cheerful; being melancholy (“I’m so sad without you!”) will make your toddler feel obliged to be sad as well. Be sure, too, to call at an appropriate time—not when your toddler is watching a favorite TV show or having dinner, for example. For some children, a bedtime call is perfect, but others are upset by the reminder that the parent isn’t there to tuck them in.
Some children, in fact, become distraught the minute they are reminded in any way that their parents are not present. For these children, a no-call, out-of-sight, out-of-mind policy is best. You can test your child’s reaction by calling on an ordinary evening out—but keep in mind that the reaction may be different when you call from the road. It may change, too, from day to day while you’re away; never prod your toddler to talk to you if he or she’s clearly not in the mood. Have the sitter pass on your greetings instead.
You can also keep in touch (and give your trip a comfortingly concrete context) by sending colorful postcards from wherever you are—even if they won’t arrive home until after you do. Give your child a scrap-book to keep the postcards in and look at them together frequently to provide additional continuity (“Remember when I went to Boston? Then I came back home.”).
You can also stay in contact via audio or visual recordings. Record a few of your toddler’s favorite bedtime stories and lullabies to be played back to her each night or during times of stress. (Of course, if the sound of your voice seems to make your toddler miss you more instead of less, erase this idea altogether.) Have an older toddler “follow” your trip on a bright map that you post on the wall before you leave. Mark your itinerary with a felt-tip pen or tape and ask the caregiver to help your toddler put stickers or gold stars along the route as you move from place to place. Your child can also put stickers on a calendar to keep track of the time you’ll be gone.
Accept that the going may be rough when you first get going. Toddlers who are left for the first time by their parents can react in a wide variety of ways. Some separate without a problem; others withdraw, cry a great deal, or are generally unhappy. Still others seem happy enough while their parents are away, but express their displeasure on their return.
Even toddlers who have had a perfectly wonderful time with grandparents or the babysitter may have some conflicted feelings to express when their parents return. They may be especially clingy, whiny, resentful, or spiteful, have more tantrums than usual, experience increased separation anxiety (even crying when the parent leaves the room), refuse to eat the usual “favorite” foods, have trouble settling down for bed, or begin waking during the night.
If you get such reactions on returning from a trip, practice patience, provide plenty of extra love, attention, and reassurance (while reassuring yourself that these reactions are normal and not a sign that you’ve done something wrong), and these post-trip symptoms will most likely disappear within a few days.
You can expect most negative reactions to parental travel to ease up once your toddler has seen you leave and return a few times—especially if you keep the trips short at first and build up to longer trips only gradually.
If, however, your toddler seems very sad or becomes very difficult to handle while you’re away, when you return, or both, and this doesn’t change as trips become routine, look at the child-care situation (for tips on evaluating, see page 822). Is it truly a good situation? Is there a possibility of neglect or abuse? Are there any other problems that could be causing the behavior changes? If you can’t solve the problem on your own, turn to your toddler’s doctor for help. And if nothing seems to ease your child’s distress, look into the possibility of cutting back on or cutting out the travel (at least for a while), or of taking your toddler along—with a sitter—until he or she is older.
REQUENT BUSINESS TRIPS
“Now that I’ve gone back to work, I’m back to traveling—as much as a week every month. I’m used to spending a lot of time with our son, and I’m worried about how he’s going to handle my being away so much. I already feel guilty and I haven’t even left home yet.”
Many parents are required to travel on business. And as long as good child care is in place, business trips don’t seem to have any lasting negative effect on their children. And feeling guilty about your traveling isn’t only unnecessary, it can be detrimental. Children pick up parental guilt with radar-like precision, and often interpret it as a sign that something
is
wrong. Guilt can also prevent parents and children from enjoying the time they do have together.
Children are amazingly adaptable and remarkably resilient. As long as someone else—ideally, the other parent, a grandparent, or another loving relative—provides your child with the attention and nurturing he needs while you’re away, he’s likely to adjust to your traveling schedule quickly and with a minimum of problems.
Still, you should do what you can to reduce the number of trips away from home when possible (use telecommunications when feasible, for example, instead of flying across the country). When trips are unavoidable, try to keep them as brief as possible (for example, take a very early morning flight and return late at night instead of adding an extra overnight to the trip). See the tips on page 22 to make the partings less difficult.
You should also be wary of trying to overcompensate for your absences by being overindulgent between them. Children need consistent limits that aren’t lifted when their parents are feeling particularly guilty (“I feel so terrible about going away that I’m going to forget about bedtime”). So always make certain that you continue to provide your child with the security he craves when you’re home, not only in the form of love and affection, but in the form of fair and effective discipline that is consistently enforced (see page 119).
HAPPY HOLIDAYS
For weeks, you’ve planned, cleaned, shopped, and cooked, and your hard work is apparent in every room in the house. The decorations look as though they leapt right off the pages of a magazine, and the table—resplendent with your good china, your best linens, your wedding crystal, and a seasonal centerpiece of your own creation—sets a magical mood. Nostalgic holiday smells waft in from the kitchen as cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and friends arrive, arms laden with gifts, hearts laden with cheer. It’s sure to be a holiday to remember.
That is, until your toddler rebuffs Aunt Sarah’s advances and makes cousin Jessica cry; spills punch on the sofa and gravy on the linen; knocks over the centerpiece and upends a crystal water glass; balks at the roast-turkey-with-all-the-trimmings and wails loudly for a bowl of Cheerios; plays percussion with the silver while Uncle Jack is trying to tell a story; starts whining for dessert when everyone’s still on their salads—then spends the rest of the afternoon cranky from skipping naptime and strung out from the overstimulation and excitement. And your holiday to remember turns into a holiday you wish you could forget.
It
is
possible to have happy holidays with a toddler in the house, but it may mean focusing less on reproducing a Currier and Ives setting and more on accommodating your toddler’s needs:
Lower your expectations.
And then lower them some more. It’s just not realistic to expect a toddler, who has no magical memories of holidays past, to appreciate nostalgic re-creations of them—no matter how much time and effort you expend. Your toddler is more likely to be unnerved and confused by the flurry of activity and to find his style cramped (“No, don’t touch that!”) by the changes around the house than enchanted by your efforts.
Don’t push the holiday traditions.
Forcing a fearful toddler to cuddle up on Santa’s lap or come face to face with an overgrown Easter Bunny, to eat turkey with dressing or sit through a lengthy Passover Seder—all in the name of tradition—may create more bad holiday feelings than good ones. Expose your toddler to the traditions that are important to you, by all means, but make participation voluntary.
Don’t lose sight of the rituals.
Not the holiday rituals—your toddler’s rituals. Keeping the daily routine as consistent as possible during the holidays will minimize the disruption for your toddler. Try not to skip naps (plan get-togethers accordingly), put off bedtimes, or skimp on bedtime rituals. Feed your toddler breakfast even if there’s going to be an 11:00
A.M
. brunch, give your toddler lunch even if there’s going to be a 3:00
P
.
M
. dinner.
An overly hungry or overly tired toddler doesn’t make a happy or cooperative guest.
Try a little togetherness.
Small children often get sidelined during the holidays as older members of the family prepare and celebrate. This lack of attention not only makes a toddler more likely to start screaming for it (at the worst possible moment), but it keeps him or her from enjoying the holiday. Instead, include your toddler in holiday preparations. Even a two-year-old can help straighten up the living room before the guests arrive, bake cookies, make decorations (the results may be less professional-looking, but will be far more satisfying to your toddler), or put pennies in the charity box. Also include the children in the rituals and celebrations: Read a Thanksgiving picture book at the tail end of your turkey dinner, add some special children’s songs to the Passover Seder, arrange an Easter egg hunt in the living room (with the eggs in cellophane bags) while the grown-ups are completing the Easter repast in the dining room.
Try to slow down.
Instead of the usual stressful hustle and bustle, try setting a slower pace and adopting a lower-key attitude during the holidays. Take on less; you won’t feel obligated to overdo.
Put yourself in your toddler’s party shoes.
You may relish a traditional holiday dinner, but your toddler may be more in the mood for spaghetti. A performance of
The Nutcracker
may put you in the holiday spirit, but sitting still for an hour and a half of leaping dancers and unfamiliar music may put your toddler in a distinctly bah-humbug humor. An all-day open house may be your idea of holiday heaven but your toddler’s idea of holiday hell—particularly if most of the guests are cheek-pinching, wet-kissing adults. For a happier holiday all around, consider your toddler’s natural limitations when making your holiday plans and adjust accordingly: Keep a pot of pasta on the stove alongside the giblet stuffing, hold off on
The Nutcracker
until your toddler’s old enough to appreciate it, scale down holiday entertaining plans.
Don’t go overboard on the giving.
It’s tempting to spend a king’s ransom on your little prince or princess’s holiday gifts, but too many presents can keep your toddler from appreciating any of them. Give sensibly (see page 58), and no matter what you give, don’t expect much in the way of gratitude (though you can ask for a “thank you”). Your toddler’s eyes may light up on opening that talking bear, but it may be quickly tossed aside as he or she delightedly dives into the collection of discarded boxes and ribbons.
Get ready for a letdown at holiday’s end.
Shifting from high gear to low so suddenly inevitably brings on postholiday letdown for adults. Toddlers, on the other hand, generally take a while to wind down and tantrums and other behavior problems may become more frequent. To help your toddler get down from the holiday high, plan quiet and relaxing activities for the first few days following a major celebration.
