Read What to Expect the Toddler Years Online
Authors: Heidi Murkoff
What to Expect the Toddler Years (274 page)
“I was away on a two-day business trip, and since I’ve come back my fifteen-month-old daughter seems desperately afraid of my leaving again.”
To a child without a full grasp of the concept of object permanence (an object is still there even if you can’t see it), the disappearance of her most precious “object”—a parent—can be very frightening indeed. That you came back doesn’t necessarily offer reassurance to your child: What guarantee does she have, after all, that next time you disappear you won’t disappear for good? Working, too, against her sense of security is her improved memory. When she was an infant, she would have forgotten that you’d been absent within moments of your return; now that she’s able to remember the past, she can also fear for the future.
But don’t worry. With plenty of extra attention and loving reassurance, your toddler should once again start feeling secure. And each time you go and come back, that sense of security should increase, making both the trips and the readjustment period when you return home less traumatic for both of you. See page 774 for more on making trips easier on everyone and for suggestions on what to do when or if a child continues to be unhappy about a parent’s absence.
PARENTS VS. GRANDPARENTS
Rare is the family in which there aren’t occasional clashes between the generations on the subject of child rearing. This has always been so, but is particularly to be expected when scientific research dramatically and frequently challenges what is believed about what’s best for children. To minimize the impact of intergenerational clashes on all three generations involved:
Encourage family togetherness—up to a point.
Grandparents who either feel excluded from seeing their grandchildren often (once a month at our convenience, thank you!) or who feel pressured to see them too much (baby-sit every Wednesday, or prepare Sunday lunch or Friday night dinner for the clan every week) are more likely to be difficult to deal with. If any grandparents live nearby, sit down and discuss what kind of togetherness would feel right for them and for you. Then come up with a plan that’s comfortable for all.
If you find that your busy lives and theirs leave little time for grand parent–grandchild togetherness, discuss with them how to remedy this problem. Explain how much you want your children to have a close relationship with them (if you indeed do) and plan together how to make this a reality. Some possibilities: regular Saturday afternoon visits, religious services together, a weekend meal together (eaten out or take-out, so that no one has to cook), a walk to the park, playing tag, baking cookies, taking trips together.
With grandparents who have ample time to coddle their grandchildren, the problem may be too much familiarity rather than too little. If you’re uncomfortable with grandparents appearing on your doorstep without notice any time of the day or night, don’t be afraid to say so. That’s the only way they will know how you feel. Explain in a loving way your need for privacy, that you like to be able to prepare in advance for a visit, and that you would appreciate a phone call beforehand.
Accept that there will be disagreements.
You differ with your parents or your in-laws on just a couple of child-care issues—or you seem to disagree on everything. The odds are good that you will disagree on something. Just keep in mind that when it comes to making decisions about child rearing, the child’s parents are entitled to the final word. To avoid constant friction and bickering, be clear and firm about this—but be diplomatic. Explain to your parents that they did such a good job raising you that you are now confident and competent enough to do a good job raising your own child. Tell them that you’re always willing to hear their suggestions, but that you will also rely on other sources (the doctor, other experts, books) as well as your own instincts when making your choices.
Be flexible.
Children—even young toddlers—are capable of dealing with different house rules in different houses. Before long, they learn that at Grandma’s house you can’t put your feet on the sofa (like you can at home), but you can watch television after supper (which you can’t at home). As long as the issues aren’t major (whether it’s your car or theirs, sitting in the car seat should be non-negotiable, for example), allow the grandparents some latitude. If they break one of the rules you feel very strongly about (they give candy to your toddler, for example), think before you react. Calmly and rationally explain why your rule means a lot to you, and that their respecting it would mean a lot to you, too.
Don’t take offense.
It’s never easy to accept unsolicited child-care advice gracefully, whether it comes from a nice lady on the bus, a snippy salesperson in the children’s department, or your mother (or mother-in-law). Even an off-hand “Oh, the baby needs a sweater”—and especially a pointed “You really shouldn’t run to her when she cries”—can get your back up, set your nerves on edge, ready you for conflict. Yet taking the counsel as insult just escalates intergenerational tensions unnecessarily. So, instead, accept it for what it hopefully is—well-meaning advice from someone who cares. Use what you can and let the rest go.
Be open to learning.
Even if your parenting style and the child rearing choices you’ve made differ completely from theirs, that doesn’t mean you can’t learn a thing or two—every once in a while—from your toddler’s grandparents. So always listen to what they have to say with an open mind, and be as quick to let them know when you think they’re right about something as you are when you think they’re wrong.
Educate grandparents.
Years ago, children’s thumb sucking was thought to be a sign of emotional problems. Today, it’s considered a normal self-comforting habit. Then, it was widely believed that getting chilled could lead to a cold. Today, it’s known that a virus—not going out without hat and mittens—causes a cold. Child-care and health-care practices have changed radically since you were a toddler and, unless the grandparents are pediatricians, it’s likely they haven’t kept up. So usher them into the world of contemporary parenting by encouraging them to read this and other child-care books.
Get a second opinion.
If opinionated grandparents leave you feeling unsure of your own opinions, get a tie-breaking one from your toddler’s doctor, this book, or a parenting group. The more you know, the more confidence you can have in standing up for your decisions.
Present a united front.
You and your spouse should run parental interference together—no matter whose parents have been doing the interfering. And think of your union not as the two of you
against
the grandparents, but the two of you
for
your family.
RANDPARENTS WHO SMOKE
“My wife’s parents are heavy smokers who refuse to quit. Though that’s their decision, I feel that it’s our decision whether or not to allow smoking around our son. My wife worries that telling them they can’t smoke near him would hurt her parents’ feelings.”
Better to hurt your wife’s parents’ feelings than your toddler’s health. Studies show that cigarettes are almost as hazardous to those who breathe their smoke in secondhand as they are to those who do the smoking, causing problems that range from poorer health and lower achievement now to cancer in future years.
Ideally, you’ll want to try to protect your toddler’s health without putting your relationship with your in-laws in jeopardy. You and your wife (presenting a united front) should sit down with her parents and begin by explaining how much you love them and wish they would stop smoking so that you and your children will have them around for a longer time. Say you know that the decision is their responsibility but that it’s your responsibility to safeguard the health and well-being of your child and their grandchild. Detail exactly how their smoking might affect your toddler, showing them the list of secondhand smoke hazards on page 630 to back up your words, if necessary. (It may also help to give the grandparents information about secondhand smoke. You can download fact-sheets and gather resources from the American Lung Association,
www.lungusa.org
, the American Cancer Society,
www.cancer.org
, and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention,
www.cdc.gov
.) Then tell them that because of the strong
evidence that secondhand smoke is dangerous, and the equally strong recommendations of the medical community and such government agencies as the Environmental Protection Agency that adults refrain from smoking in the presence of children, you must ask them not to light up when your toddler is around. Tell them that if they must smoke during visits to your home, the only really acceptable place to do so is outside. If they balk at not being able to smoke in their own home whenever they want to, let them know, in as nice a way as you can, that since you’re not willing to continue putting your toddler’s health at risk, you’ll have to stop visiting them until they agree to stop smoking around him. Let them know how sad such a drastic step would make both you and your toddler. Make it clear that it’s their
smoking
—and not them—that you find objectionable and that the rules are the same for all friends and family, so they shouldn’t take your stand personally. Keep your tone empathetic rather than judgmental. Realize that they may well be offended at first—or even incensed—and be prepared to give them some time to think your decision over.
OVING
“We’re planning on moving out of the city and into a house in the suburbs in a couple of months. How can we help minimize any negative effect on our daughter?”
Moving can be a traumatic experience for anyone. Even if you’re happy about where you’re going, even if you’re happy to leave where you’re living, even if the moving company manages not to break your wedding china or scratch the top of your grandmother’s heirloom credenza, moving sets nerves on edge and sends emotions off the deep end. Moving can be especially difficult for school-age children, who may be leaving the only home they’ve ever known, the only school they’ve ever attended, the only friends they’ve ever made, the only playgrounds they’ve ever played in—especially when they have no inkling why they’re going, where they’re going, and what they’re going to do when they get there. For younger children, however, a move is generally less traumatic; their roots are not as deep and they tend to share fewer of the concerns of adults and older children. As long as your toddler has her family, her favorite toys, and any comfort objects she depends on around her, she’s likely to do very well. To help make the move even easier for her:
Don’t keep it a secret.
Springing the news on your toddler as the moving truck pulls up won’t give her enough time to prepare for the upcoming changes. Waiting until the last minute also leaves open the possibility that she’ll hear the news from someone else, which will put your trustworthiness and your intentions in a poor light. Besides, the upheaval and confusion of packing will require some kind of explanation; without one, your toddler’s even more liable to become fearful and apprehensive. So start talking about the move ahead of time—before you begin packing, but close enough to the move for your explanation to still be fresh in your toddler’s mind when the boxes and suitcases come out. On a level that your toddler can comprehend, and in as positive terms as possible, explain why you’re moving (“Our old house is too small for us now, so we need a bigger one.”).
Be positive.
Talk up the new neighborhood. Tell your toddler about the great playground that’s four blocks away, the community swimming pool you can walk to, the children’s museum that’s nearby, or the beautiful trees that line the
streets. Talk up the new house or apartment, too. Tell your toddler about the big yard she’ll be able to play in, or her new room, or the playroom where you can set up her easel.
Give her a preview.
If possible, take her to visit the new house and her new day-care center or preschool (if she will attend one). If you can, arrange for her to meet a couple of neighborhood children. If you can’t manage an advance visit, make a scrapbook of pictures of your neighborhood- and home-to-be, so she’ll have some idea what to expect before you drive up to the house. Before you leave your old home, ask your toddler what she’d like you to take pictures of, and start a scrapbook of her old home, neighborhood, and friends, too. Looking back at it will help bridge the gap between old and new for her.
Share your feelings.
Acknowledge that you have some ambivalent feelings about moving—you’ll miss the old neighborhood, your friends, the house. But emphasize that you think living in your new house will be a lot of fun.
When in doubt,
don’t
throw it out.
Moving may seem like the ideal time to weed out those worn or outgrown or broken toys and other toddler belongings, but resist the temptation to throw out anything of your toddler’s before the move unless you’re absolutely positive that she won’t ask for it or miss it. Wait until she’s adjusted to her new home before you contemplate any serious tossing.
Play moving games.
Encourage your toddler to get in the moving mood by playing at moving—with trucks and blocks, dollhouses and dolls, teddy bears and cardboard boxes. Staging some play “moves” will give her an outlet for her mixed feelings and her fears. Read her some picture books about moving, too.
Don’t forget your toddler.
Moving is, undeniably, a time-consuming process. Between wrapping up breakables, boxing books, calling the cable company for a disconnect—and the phone company for a reconnect—the details and demands are endless. But no matter how busy you are, don’t forget to attend to a very important and demanding detail not directly related to your move—your toddler. Fail to provide your toddler the attention she needs, and the potential side effects of moving—whining, clinging, irritability—are likely to be be aggravated. Even more than attention, however, your toddler needs supervision; a house in the midst of the packing or unpacking process is highly toddler-unfriendly, particularly if the adults around are preoccupied and distracted. There will be open doors that your toddler could slip through, mover’s dollies she could trip over, half-filled cartons full of tempting untouchables, cleaning supplies everywhere. If you can’t free yourself up from the packing to give your toddler the attention and supervision she needs, make sure someone else is there to help you out—Grandpa, a friend, a responsible teenager from down the street. Or, if there are two parents around, take turns supervising the movers and supervising your toddler. (The same level of supervision will be necessary after the move, until you have unpacked and your new home is safely childproofed.)
