What the Heart Knows (4 page)

Kathleen started to leave but caught a glimpse of his drawing pad, hidden under a pile of dirty clothes. Chewing on her bottom lip, she reached for the paper, hesitated, then snatched it up. Quickly before she changed her mind, she flipped through the pictures, afraid to look at what her son was drawing, and yet compelled to check this aspect of his life out. Maybe there were answers in his drawings that would help her.

The first drawing was of their old house. Another was of his guitar. Picture after picture seemed perfectly normal with nothing unusual portrayed. Relief shimmered through her, and she returned the pad to its hiding place.

When Kathleen left the bedroom, any relief she felt evaporated as she made her way down the stairs. Where was Mark? It was only eight o'clock and he was sixteen, but still she couldn't help the worry that swelled inside her, especially after his erratic behavior two nights ago.

She hurried into the kitchen and went straight to the phone, punching in her sister's number. “Is Mark over there?” She couldn't keep the urgency from her voice.

“No. Shane came home a few minutes ago and went to his room. Do you want me to ask him if he knows where Mark is?”

Kathleen's grip on the receiver tightened until pain radiated down her arm. “Please.” When she heard Laura put the phone down, Kathleen glanced toward Jared.

“What's wrong?”

“Mark wasn't in his room. No note on the table in the entry hall telling me where he is. He knows he's supposed to let me know where he's going if I'm not here when he leaves.” Panic nibbled at the edges of her composure as all kinds of thoughts—none good—swirled in her mind. Again, as so many times of late, she felt her life spinning out of control. Her life felt much like the chaos in her son's room.

“Kathleen, Shane doesn't know where he is. Aaron dropped him off at your house forty minutes ago. Do you want me to come over and help you look for him?”

“No, I'm sure he's fine,” Kathleen answered, wishing her declaration was true. But with Mark she wasn't sure anymore. She could still vividly remember the time in Shreveport when he had run away instead of going to the doctor. “Thanks, Laura.” The clamoring of her heart thundered in her ears as she replaced the receiver in its cradle. Her hands shook, and she clasped them together to keep them from trembling.

“Maybe he's here somewhere or outside.”

“I shouldn't have gone to the hospital. I should have come home, then this wouldn't be happening.”

Jared stepped in front of Kathleen and commanded her full attention by grasping her upper arms, his
nearness forcing her to look into his eyes. “Let's check the whole house first, then outside.”

The sound of the front door slamming shut startled Kathleen. She jerked away from Jared and headed toward the entry hall. Mark was halfway up the stairs.

“Where have you been?” She grimaced at the harsh tone in her voice. She needed to remain calm. Nothing good came from confronting her son. It only made the situation worse lately.

He slowly peered over his shoulder. A long moment passed with nothing said, then he shrugged and mumbled, “Out. Walking.”

Kathleen forced herself to take a deep, calming breath, but still her stomach muscles remained clenched in a tight knot. “You're supposed to write me a note telling me where you're going.”

He lifted his shoulders in another shrug. “Forgot.” He resumed his progress up the stairs.

Kathleen counted to ten, then twenty, but nothing soothed her shredded nerves. She couldn't shake the feeling something was terribly wrong. Watching her son disappear down the hall, she sensed Jared standing behind her. She whirled. “I'm beginning to wonder if he can put a sentence of more than a word or two together anymore.” She tried to smile, but it wavered about the corners of her mouth and vanished almost immediately.

“I've thought that many times while having a conversation with my children. I know they can because I've heard them with their friends. But sometimes talking to them is like pulling teeth.”

“At least he's home and I don't have to go out searching for him. I used not to have to worry like this, but lately, especially since the talent show, I don't know what to think when it comes to Mark.”

Jared took a deep breath. “I think the coffee is ready. Why don't we sit and talk over a cup?”

The aroma of coffee teased her senses. The idea of sharing a quiet, adult conversation with Jared roused her interest. “That sounds great. I can bring our coffee into the living room if you want.”

“Let's drink it in the kitchen. I always think of that room as the heart of a house.”

With one last glance toward the top of the stairs, Kathleen led the way. “I like that. I probably spend more time in here than any room if I don't count the hours I sleep.”

“When I was growing up, that was an important part of the house. Now I hardly set foot in my kitchen. Mrs. Davis prefers us staying out when she is creating her meals. At least she's a good cook. I wish Hannah could learn to cook.”

“I could show her some dishes if she wants to learn.”

Jared grinned, deep lines fanning out from the corners of his eyes, indicating the man was used to smiling a lot. “I don't think she has thought much about it. I just think it's something she should know.”

“But not Terry?”

“Actually I think he should learn, too, but I don't see Mrs. Davis being their teacher.”

But Jared saw Kathleen teaching them. He should back off from her right now, but he couldn't. Hannah
needed someone like Kathleen in her life—even if it was only as a friend. He couldn't deny his child that. He would just have to be extra careful to protect his own heart.

“When I take Hannah shopping, I'll see if she would like to have some lessons.”

“Maybe I could meet you two for lunch.”

“Hannah would love that. I thought Thursday would be a good day to go.” Kathleen removed two mugs from the cabinet and poured coffee into each.

“Are you two going to the mall?”

Kathleen nodded, handing Jared his mug.

“Then I'll meet you at the south entrance at noon and we can go to lunch.” Taking a seat at the glass table, Jared settled back and scanned the room. “I like this. Warm. Inviting.”

“It was the first room I put together. I like to cook and it was so hard digging around in boxes trying to find what I needed.” Kathleen did her own survey of the kitchen, relaxing the tension that had gripped her ever since she had discovered Mark gone. The forest greens and deep reds of the plaid wallpaper added a richness to the walnut-finished cabinets. The light brown tiles that covered the floor lent a cool refreshing feel to the room. “I think this was what sold me on the house. It's large and open with plenty of windows to let in the sunshine.”

Jared sipped his coffee, his gaze locking with hers over the mug's rim. “I can't believe you got your house in order in two weeks. I can still remember when we moved to Crystal Springs. It took us months to feel at home in our house.”

“I can be a very determined lady when I set my mind to a job. I need order in my surroundings. I'm much happier that way and learned long ago it was easier on me to keep things in their place.”

Her words brought back a memory that lambasted Jared. He put down his mug with more force than he intended, its sound against the glass piercing the quiet.

“What's wrong?”

Jared closed his eyes for a few seconds, the memory still ingrained in his mind. When he looked at Kathleen, he saw the worry etched into her features. “I just thought of something that happened once, that's all.”

Kathleen didn't say anything, and her silence prodded him to fill the void. For some reason it felt right to talk to her even though he hadn't discussed Alice's problem in a long time, hadn't wanted to re-hash something he'd rather forget.

“My wife hated housework, so one weekend I decided to help her. We had only been married a few years. That weekend I discovered one liquor bottle stashed behind the cleaning supplies under the sink and another one on the top shelf of the linen closet.” He paused, still sharply remembering the cold feel of the bottle in his hands as he had shown it to her. “I hadn't realize Alice even drank. She knew how I felt about it.”

“So she kept it hidden from you?”

“Not after I confronted her with the two bottles. From then on she was open about her drinking.”
Memories of watching his wife empty a bottle into a large glass then down it shuddered through him.

“That had to be hard.”

“Yes.” Jared took another sip of his coffee, cupping the mug to mask the quivering in his hands. “I've seen what alcohol can do to a person, medically speaking. In some ways I wished I had remained ignorant of her problem.”

“Ignorance is bliss?”

He placed his mug on the mat, this time being careful and said in a tightly controlled voice, “She wouldn't let me help her. There were times my frustration level was unbearable. It's hard watching someone self-destruct.”

Kathleen slid her hand across the cool glass and covered his. “How did you handle the stress?”

“I worked harder and longer at building my practice. By that time we had moved to Crystal Springs. And when I wasn't working, I threw myself into the activities at the church we attended. If I hadn't, I don't know how I would have made it, especially when Alice became pregnant with Terry unexpectedly. I didn't want any more children. I had seen the effects of alcohol on unborn babies.”

Kathleen squeezed his hand, her heart swelling. “Terry seems fine.”

“He is.” Jared blew out a long breath. “Thankfully Alice agreed to go into rehab while she was pregnant. Everything seemed fine for a while, but a few months after Terry was born, she started drinking again and was killed in a drunk driving accident.”

Tears stung Kathleen's eyes, a lump lodged in her throat. “I'm sorry.”

Jared blinked, slipping his hand from hers. He straightened, a flush to his face. “I didn't mean to tell you that. It's not something I like to relive.”

“Maybe you should. It's important to work through our feelings in order to get beyond them.”

“That life
is
behind me.”

The look of doubt in his eyes belied the force of his words. “Is it?”

He held her gaze for a few seconds, then glanced away. “Yes. Living through it once was enough.” He rose in one fluid motion. “I'd better be going. Tomorrow will be a long day.”

Kathleen walked Jared to the door and watched him descend the steps out front. The droop to his shoulders attested to his weariness. The tight grin he gave her as he waved good-bye emphasized he wasn't over what he had gone through with his wife. He might think it was behind him, but Kathleen knew it wasn't.

“C
an I see what you have in that package?” Jared asked as Hannah and Kathleen approached him in the mall.

His daughter's eyes grew round. She quickly hid the bag behind her back. “No.”

Jared took in her rosy cheeks and knew he had stepped into territory best left to the women. “Did you spend all my money?” That wasn't a safe question for a man to ask, either, he realized after he'd said it.

“Not yet,” Kathleen said with a laugh. “But if you like what Hannah wants to buy, yes.”

“You want my opinion?”

“Since you're paying, Kathleen thought so.”

“Let's eat first, then I'll take a look at it. Where do you want to have lunch?”

“The Greasy Spoon,” Hannah said, her face lit with a huge grin.

“What's that?” asked Kathleen. “I thought I knew most of the restaurants in Crystal Springs. Of course, I'm not sure any place called the Greasy Spoon should be considered a restaurant.”

“It's fairly new,” Jared answered, starting to walk. “It's at the other end of the mall. Not bad, if you like fried food. Hence the name
Greasy.
”

Kathleen fell into step next to Jared with Hannah on her other side. As they made their way to the restaurant, Hannah veered off to the left, pulling her father over to the display window of the toy store.

She tapped the glass near an electronic game station, saying, “I want that for my birthday.”

“That's not for another six months.”

“Oh, yeah.” Hannah's shoulders sagged. “You know it might be something you could get both Terry and I for the summer when it's too hot to play outside.”

Jared pressed his lips together, his eyes dancing with merriment. “You've never had trouble finding something to do during the summer before. Why should this summer be any different?”

Hannah opened her mouth to say something, but instead snapped it closed, her expression screwing up into a thoughtful look.

“You could always save your allowance and buy it for yourself.”

The girl brightened for a moment, but the eagerness evaporated when she saw the price. “That'll take at least six months.”

Jared placed his hand on Hannah's shoulder and began walking toward the other end of the mall.
“Think how much it will mean to you when you finally get it. You could always earn some money. I weeded gardens for my neighbors at your age, which is where I learned to love yard work. I would dust for the Lunds. I walked Mrs. Wilson's dog for her because she couldn't. Now that, I loved doing.”

“I could do that. I know Mr. Batchlear can't take his dog to the park like he used to. Maybe he would pay me to. And I bet I could get someone to let me weed their garden.”

“Actually you could do mine if you want,” Kathleen interjected.

“I can! Great. My first job!” Hannah jumped up and down, her blue eyes sparkling, her ponytail swinging from side to side in her excitement.

At the Greasy Spoon Hannah ran ahead to get a booth in the corner. Jared made his way at a much more subdued pace.

“I'm sorry, Jared. I should have asked you about that first.”

Jared shook his head. “No, I think it's a great idea. It'll give her a goal to work toward. I appreciate the offer.”

The grin he sent Kathleen made her heart flip over. She swallowed hard and returned his smile. “And I'll have someone to weed the beds out front. Usually Mark does it, but he hasn't shown any interest this summer, and I hate yard work, so this is a win/win solution.”

“Since your problem is solved,” Jared slid into the booth across from Hannah, “maybe you could help me out with a problem.”

“What?” Kathleen sat next to Hannah.

“I need another chaperone for the hiking trip this Saturday with the youth group. Phil has to work and can't make it. Are you game?”

“Hiking?

“You said you like to do that with your family. Here's another opportunity to get Mark involved in the youth group and enjoy what I think will be a gorgeous day. The weatherman promises sunshine and mild temperatures.”

“And you believe him?”

“Call me naive, but yes, I do.”

Hannah giggled. “Dad always believes the man on the radio in the morning. Last week he took his umbrella to work and there wasn't a cloud in the sky all day.”

“Mike Morgan goes to our church. Someone has to support him.”

“You're a friend no matter what.” That was what Kathleen liked about Jared the most. She hadn't known him long, but she knew she could depend on him, and right now in her life that was important because of her son.

“I like to think so.”

“Dad, wait till you see the outfit I picked out for church. Kathleen says I look good in it. It's a yellow-and-orange dress with no icky flowers on it.”

“It's a dress? The last time you went shopping you told me you didn't want any dresses.”

“Not for school, but I need one for church. The one I wear is too small. I'm growing up.”

The look of surprise on Jared's face at Hannah's
declaration brought a chuckle from Kathleen. She didn't think he was quite prepared for his daughter to turn into a young lady. Her transformation would prove to be interesting to watch. From their conversation today Kathleen didn't think Hannah was as much a tomboy as Jared thought.

“What else did you find?” Jared flipped open the menu.

Hannah blushed. “Just girl things.” She slipped from the booth, saying, “I'll be back in a sec,” then headed for the restroom.

“A dress! I'm amazed you got her to agree even to try one on,” Jared said, observing his daughter disappear into the ladies' room.

“We talked a little bit about how she would change over the next few years and what that meant. We got the sports bra and then a regular one. I stopped to admire some of the dresses and she gravitated toward the yellow-and-orange one. When I suggested she try it on, she did.”

“How come it sounds so simple with you, but when I go shopping with her, it never is that simple?”

“You're a man.”

“Thanks for noticing,” he said with a wink and a grin.

Now it was Kathleen's turn to blush. She definitely had noticed. The heat flaming her cheeks went all the way down her neck. She could tell he took pride in keeping himself in good physical shape. With his dark hair and startling blue eyes, women must gravitate toward him. But the thing that made him the
most appealing to her, and she suspected others, was his kindness and his caring attitude.

“You're easy to tease.”

Kathleen pushed away her musings concerning Jared. She had no business thinking of him in any way other than a friend who wanted to help her son. “I told Hannah if she needed me to help her again that I would be happy to.”

“You're a lifesaver. I'll encourage her to take you up on your offer.”

“It lets you off the hook.”

“You bet. I get tongue-tied just thinking about shopping with my daughter for more grown-up clothes. It was fine when she liked to dress as a boy, but realistically I know that will change, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Next thing I know some young boy will be coming to the house to take her out on a date. That's gonna be mighty hard on me.”

“It usually is for dads.”

“But not moms?”

“We know what's going on in the daughter's head.”

“Yeah, that's the problem. We know what's going on in the boy's head.”

Kathleen laughed. “So it will be easier for you with Terry?”

“You bet. Guys don't wear makeup and lacy things.”

“I meant what I said to Hannah. I'll help her whenever she needs it.”

Jared's gaze shifted to his daughter returning from the restroom. “This dad will be in your debt.”

As Hannah sat down beside her, Kathleen felt the rightness of the situation. She had enjoyed shopping with the young girl. For a few hours she had forgotten her problems with Mark. She had experienced what it would have been like if she'd had a daughter.

Jared made her feel important to his family, a good friend. She needed that in her time of trouble, to keep her focus on what was possible.

 

Kathleen stood on the edge of the hiking trail and scanned the valley below. Miles of green stretched before her. The tops of the trees gently swayed in the southerly breeze. The sun beat down upon her, chasing away the early-morning chill. When she lifted her gaze, she noticed not a cloud in the azure-blue sky. The scent of pine and earth filled her nostrils with each deep breath she took.

Even though behind her she heard the voices of the teenagers, she cleared her mind and allowed peace to settle over her. Closing her eyes, she imagined herself alone on this mountaintop with not a care in the world.

Someone jostled her. She glanced over her shoulder at a young man as he passed her on the path.

“Sorry, ma'am. Lost my footing.”

“That's okay.” She fell into step behind him, realizing her moment of daydreaming was over.

“I love hiking up here,” Jared said, coming alongside her on the trail as it widened.

“Makes you feel on top of the world.”

“Makes me feel closer to God. One of the best
ways to celebrate His glory is to spend time in the outdoors admiring His work.”

“I'm glad Hannah could come.”

Jared leaned close to whisper, “She heard you were coming and her plans changed.”

Jared's nearness shivered down her spine. His lime-scented aftershave lotion vied with the outdoorsy scents that enveloped her. “She did?”

“She asked to come along the second I got home that day you two went shopping. I'm surprised she didn't call me at the office. She was hopping around as though she could barely contain herself.”

Pleased, Kathleen searched the path for the young girl and found her up ahead sandwiched between Shane and Mark. “I think I got more out of the shopping trip than she did. You've raised a wonderful daughter.” Again the longing for a large family inundated Kathleen. John and she had tried to have more children, but it had never happened.

“You've made quite an impression on her. She's already canvassed the neighborhood for odd jobs and has gotten three of them besides yours. She's going to be busy for the next few weeks.”

“Has she started baby-sitting yet?”

“I want her to take the Red Cross course first, then maybe she can sit during the daytime. She needs to be a little older for baby-sitting at night.”

“I was thirteen. When's the course being taught?”

“In two weeks at the high school. Now she has Terry looking for ways to earn money. My neighbors don't know what hit them with both my children soliciting odd jobs.”

“Maybe I can come up with something for Terry, too.”

“I don't want you to go to any extra trouble. You've already done so much.”

Kathleen came to a stop on the trail and faced him. Shielding her eyes from the sun, she looked at him. “What are friends for? Helping each other is part of that. Your children are wonderful.” And this feeling of helping him made their friendship feel more equal, as if she wasn't always depending on him. That was important to her.

A couple of the teenagers passed them on the path. Jared observed them walk ahead, then started forward, taking up the rear. “I think they are, but then I'm partial. I just want their lives to be as normal as possible. The last few years with Alice were very hard on the family.” Tension took hold of his expression, firming his jawline, sharpening his eyes.

Every time he mentioned his deceased wife, Jared grew taut, stress swirling around him. Kathleen wasn't even sure he realized it. She suspected it was automatic with him. What little he had told her grieved her. Her marriage had been so different, a true partnership. “Children can often bounce back faster than adults.”

“I'd have to agree with you on that. I don't know if I'll ever recover. Watching someone destroy herself and not being able to do anything about it was something I don't ever want to go through again.”

Kathleen thought of Mark and his behavior lately. Maybe that was the real reason she'd returned home. She didn't know if she could deal with her son by
herself anymore. It was times like this when she missed John the most, and yet the man beside her made her hope that there was a reason behind her son's changes and they would discover what it was.

The nearest teenager disappeared around a bend. Jared halted his progress and placed a hand on Kathleen's arm, stilling her movement. His warm touch comforted her, a connection to another who was rapidly becoming important to her.

“I'm glad you could talk Mark into coming today. It'll give me another chance to see how he behaves with the others.” Jared slid his palm down her arm to grasp her hand. “On the ride in the van he was pretty quiet.”

“I don't think he said one word.” He linked their fingers together, and Kathleen felt the bond pierce defenses created after John's sudden death. That scared her. She needed those defenses. When she'd lost John, her life had fallen apart. That wasn't something she could go through again.

“But then with Shane and Connie monopolizing the whole conversation that would be hard. I don't think
I
said much.” Jared held their clasped hands up between them, looking deep into her eyes.

Drawn to him, she leaned closer. Again his distinctive scent surrounded her. “I didn't notice. I was enjoying the beautiful scenery.” Her words came out in a husky stream while a hollow feeling in the pit of her stomach expanded.

“Are you two coming?”

Shane's loud booming voice split the air and parted Kathleen and Jared. Standing on the trail up
ahead were six teenagers all staring at them with broad smiles on their faces. Kathleen hurried forward, her cheeks flaming. She wished she could attribute it to the sun, but she couldn't, and the kids knew it. In the back of the group of six were Mark and Hannah. Hannah beamed; Mark scowled. He spun about and started along the trail with determination in every stride, his hands clenched at his sides. Hannah took the place next to Kathleen.