What the Heart Knows (10 page)

“There were times I just wanted out and wished I was someplace else.” He cradled his head in his hands. “But I never wanted her to die.”

His raspy voice penetrated her own pain. Like her, he was hurting inside. She touched his arm and felt the tensing of his muscles beneath her fingertips. “Of course you didn't.”

“Because of my actions, my children don't have a mother.”

“That's not true. She was the one making the choices, not you. You need to take to heart your own advice.”

He plowed his hands through his hair and shot to his feet. “I need to go. I'll be back later to check on Mark.”

His rigid stance conveyed his displeasure at what she'd said. He wasn't ready to listen to his own advice, Kathleen thought as he strode toward the door and yanked it open. Jared was fighting his own demons, and even in the middle of her own torment, she wished she could help him as he had her.

 

The hospital chapel was small and dimly lit. Kathleen closed the door and all the sounds in the hallway faded from her ears. She made her way past the three rows of pews to sit on the front one. For a long moment she stared at the simple altar, one bright light illuminating it.

She didn't know where to begin.

The silence in the chapel calmed her. With her eyes shut, she thought back over the past few days. Mark had started his medication. He was seeing the
psychiatrist. Jared had given her information about schizophrenia as well as a family support group to attend. Her son was going home today. There was so much she needed to say.

“Lord, thank You for returning my son to me.” She opened her eyes and looked again at the altar. “Thank You for being there for him when he needed You. He came home unharmed and for that I will be eternally grateful.”

Pausing, she laced her fingers together, not sure how to proceed. Finally she simply said, “I know you have every right to turn Your back on me as I did You after John's death.” She paused, clearing her throat. “Please help me to be there for Mark. Give me the strength to deal with his illness.”

The serenity in the chapel affected a part of her that she had missed these past eighteen months. For the first time in a long while she felt the hand of God on her shoulder, a reminder of His power.

The door opened and the sound of footsteps nearing filled the silence. Jared slipped in beside her.

“The nurse told me you were here.”

She offered him a smile. “I thought it was about time I took your advice and spoke with God.”

“Has it helped?”

“Yes.” She unfolded her hands and stood. “This past week I've realized I can't do this alone.”

Jared rose, only inches from her. “You were never alone, but I'm glad you talked with God. When the Lord is in our lives, anything is possible.”

His reassurances suffused her with hope. “I'm beginning to believe that again. For a while I forgot.”
Kathleen started for the chapel door. “Has the paperwork been completed so Mark can go home?”

“Yes, Dr. Martins just left.” Jared stepped to the side to allow her to go first into the hallway.

The sights, sounds and smells of a hospital bombarded her as she left the quiet sanctuary. But the reality didn't wash away the hope welling inside her. She was not alone anymore.

“After you two get settled, I'll be by to see how things are going,” Jared said, stopping at the nurse's station.

“If you're busy, we'll be okay. I hate taking any more of your time.”

Jared frowned. “I'm not Mark's doctor. I'm visiting as a friend.”

“But I feel guilty for all the time you've been spending with us.”

A grin replaced the frown. “You can just stop feeling guilty. I wanted to spend time with you and Mark. You both are important to me.”

A blush seared her cheeks at the intensity of his words. “Then I'll see you later.”

Before she headed for Mark's room, Jared said, “You and Mark can count on me, Kathleen.”

As Kathleen pushed open her son's door, she wondered again if Jared was using her son to atone for his wife. Was that the only reason he was involved with them? To prove something to himself?

 

Jared mounted the steps to Kathleen's front porch, raised his hand to ring the bell and paused. Their conversation earlier that day in the chapel came back
to haunt him. He dropped his arm to his side and turned away from the door. He still couldn't believe he'd told her about that last day with Alice. He hadn't told a soul, not even Reverend Jones, who had counseled him after Alice's death. But with Kathleen it had just spilled out as though he had no secrets from her.

When had she become so important to him? Since Tulsa? No, before that. From the first day she'd come into his life, he had wanted to be there for her, to help her with her son, but also to be her friend and— And what?

With everything happening in her life, he knew the last thing she needed was someone interested in her as a woman. And yet, he couldn't deny the feelings that were developing. When she smiled, his whole world lit up. When she touched him, it went further than a physical connection.

The front door swung open to reveal Kathleen standing in the entrance. “I thought I heard a car pull up. I was just going into the kitchen to fix some dinner. You can talk to me while I work.”

“It's after nine and you haven't eaten dinner yet? Is everything all right?”

She moved to the side so he could enter her house. “I know it's late for dinner, but time got away from me. Mark and I were talking for a while. He's sleeping now.” She turned toward the back of the house. “I'm not used to my son sleeping so much.”

“He's getting used to the medication. That should level off soon.”

When Jared stepped into Kathleen's kitchen, an
immediate warmth surrounded him. He liked this room of her house best. He could tell she loved to cook and spent a lot of time in the kitchen—as he did in his yard. While she withdrew some ingredients from the refrigerator, he enjoyed watching her move. She had a grace about her that made her motions flow.

“Are you hungry? I can make you a sandwich, too,” she said as she closed the pantry door.

“I already had dinner with Hannah and Terry.”

“Are you sure you don't want something to eat?”

“Please. Fix whatever you want. I'm fine.”

She busied herself at the counter while Jared sat at the table and continued his observation. He wanted to make sure she really was okay. The past month had been so rough on Kathleen. There were a few times he'd wondered if she would fall apart in front of his eyes. But somehow she'd managed to keep herself together. He admired that about her. With Alice, whenever something went wrong, she drank.

As Kathleen prepared her sandwich, Jared noted the confidence that emanated from her. Something has changed, he thought. He remembered the look on her face when he had seen her in the chapel. She had been at peace with herself, as if she had truly found the Lord again. He hoped she continued to turn to the Lord, but he hoped she'd also turn to him when she needed help. He realized he liked being needed by her. Alice had never really needed him, not the way he had wanted.

Kathleen finished making her turkey and Swiss cheese sandwich, added some potato chips and
brought it to the table. “How about something to drink?” She went back to the refrigerator and removed a green pitcher.

“Sure. Water. Iced tea. Whatever you have.”

Kathleen poured two glasses of iced tea and put one down in front of Jared. She popped a chip into her mouth. “I really shouldn't have these; I eat one and I can't stop until half the bag is gone. Please take some if you want.”

“No, I'm full. Mrs. Davis fixed a big dinner for us.”

“You know, with all that's happened I haven't had a chance to see Hannah much. How's she doing? I miss our talks.”

Grinning, Jared relaxed back in the chair. “She's almost reached her goal of saving enough for the electronic game set.”

“That's my girl.” Kathleen took a bite of her sandwich, then washed it down with a swallow of tea.

A month before Jared had wondered if he should encourage Hannah and Kathleen's friendship. Now he knew he had been right to let it progress. Even if nothing developed between Kathleen and him, he couldn't deny his daughter Kathleen's influence. “Yeah, that's Hannah all right. When she sets her mind on something it would take an act of Congress to get her to change her course.”

“That can be a good thing.”

“And it can be a bad thing. My tomboy daughter is turning into a young lady this summer. School will
start in a few weeks and I don't even want to think about what that will mean.”

“Boys calling her?”

“Every night. But not just boys, also girls. I've had to put a time limit on her calls. I didn't know there was that much to talk about.”

Kathleen laughed, thinking back to her own childhood. “You might want to consider getting a second phone line for Hannah and Terry, especially since you're on call some evenings.”

“Can't I just forbid her talking to anyone until she's eighteen?”

“Sure. I'd love to see how you get that to work.”

He lifted his glass and took a long sip of his drink. “Yeah, I guess that would be kinda hard to enforce.”

“Maybe just a tad bit.” Kathleen held up her forefinger and thumb with no space between them. “How's Terry doing with his summer jobs?”

“Terry is the complete opposite of Hannah. He lasted one day working and when his friends wanted him to play, he decided that was more important than earning money. And any money he gets goes straight through that big hole in his pocket. It's funny how two siblings can be so different.”

“That's Laura and me. Only two years apart in age and yet worlds apart in how we do things.”

While Kathleen ate some more of her sandwich, Jared reached over and snatched a couple of potato chips from her plate. “You have a nice family. They've been very supportive these past few weeks.”

“Yes, they were here a good part of this afternoon
until I made them go home. I want Mark's life to be as normal as possible.”

“Then I hope he'll start coming to the youth group again.”

Kathleen stared at her near-empty plate, frowning. “I don't know. Teenagers can be awful hard on someone who's a little different.”

“I agree, but if I talk with them ahead of time and explain to them about what Mark's going through, I think they'll be a great support system for him. He'll need friends as well as his family.”

She shook her head. “Still—”

“What about school next month? Don't you think it would be better if he has a base of friends before he goes to a new high school?”

Kathleen blew out a frustrated breath. “Boy, this isn't easy. You're right. Mark's life hasn't come to a standstill and I can't treat him as if it has. Mark needs to go to school and he'll need friends to help him.”

“If not this Sunday then next Sunday, bring him to the meeting.”

“Okay.” She glanced at Jared and wondered when he had become so important to her. She had no business caring so much what he thought. But she did. She didn't need to get involved with anyone, especially Jared who had been so hurt by his wife. His scars ran deep and she wasn't sure they were healed yet.

“If it's all right with you, I can talk to the kids this week and get everything set up.”

“That'll be fine,” Kathleen said, feeling as though
one chapter in her life had closed and another had opened. Like her son's, her life wasn't stagnant. When Mark was better, she would need to get on with her own life, and suddenly she knew she wanted Jared to be a part of that. That realization both frightened her and intrigued her.

J
ared slipped into the pew beside Kathleen the first Sunday in August. “I thought I'd find you here.”

“I wanted to give Mark some space.” She scanned her church's sanctuary, the quiet comforting. “This is a good place to think.”

“I know what you mean. Everything okay?”

“As well as can be expected. Actually I can't complain. Mark's settling into a routine. I wasn't sure he'd agree to come to the youth group meeting, but he did. His cousin had something to do with that. Shane's been a great support. My whole family has been.”

“That's important when dealing with a situation like Mark's.”

“I know. The support group I'm attending has helped me learn how to cope and be there for my son. Thank you for putting me in touch with them.” She smiled at Jared, wanting to convey in that one gesture how important his friendship was to her.

He returned her smile, trapping her hand in his warm grasp. “You're welcome.”

“I came in here to thank God for letting me know what was wrong with Mark. At least now I know what we must do to make things better. Not knowing was tearing me up inside.”

“The unknown is scary, but knowing the Lord is with us makes it better.”

“I am not alone. Mark is not alone. That's something I've had to learn lately. There for a time I forgot.”

Jared squeezed her hand. “It's sometimes hard to remember when we're dealing with a tragedy.”

“Is that experience talking? You've had moments of doubt, too?”

He lifted his shoulders in a shrug. “I'm human. The last year with Alice was very trying.”

“But you didn't lose faith?”

“Not in God.”

“In yourself?”

His chest expanded as he inhaled a deep breath. He exhaled slowly, his eyes veiled with an emotion that was hard to read. “Yes.”

The finality in his answer put an end to the discussion. He released her hand, that quickly chilled after the warmth from his touch.

“I assume since you're in here that the meeting is over with.”

“Yes. They're eating now and playing games in the rec hall. Too hot to go outside and do anything.” Jared rolled his shoulders as though to ease the tension gripping them, but their taut set remained.

Jared rose and held his hand out. “Why don't you come back to the rec hall, have some pizza—which is probably cold by now. Mark is there.”

She knew that Jared was making an effort to put what they had been talking about behind him. She also knew that one day he would have to face his problems concerning the death of his wife. As he had been there for her, she wanted to be there for him. She put her hand in his and stood.

“Lead the way. Cold pizza sounds good.”

When they entered the recreational hall, Jared headed for the table where the food was spread out. “I should have realized there wouldn't be any pizza left.” He looked sheepish. “All I can offer you is pop and cookies.”

“I guess I could start with dessert and work my way backward through dinner.”

“If we don't hurry, dessert won't even be an option.” Jared handed Kathleen a napkin.

Kathleen took a bite of a chocolate chip cookie. “Who made this?”

“Hannah. Mrs. Davis isn't too pleased that Hannah's taken an interest in cooking. My daughter has invaded her domain and I don't think that's gonna change any time soon.”

“Tell Hannah these are delicious.” She chewed another bite of her cookie.

“Why don't you tell her? You and Mark can come to dinner tomorrow night.”

“Are you sure?” Kathleen asked, remembering the last time they had all had dinner together, when Mark had kicked in the television set.

“Yes, we need to make Mark's life as normal as possible.
Your
life needs to be as normal as possible.”

Kathleen grinned. “Then I accept. Are you going to cook?”

“No way,” Jared said with a chuckle. “That's what I pay Mrs. Davis for.”

“It'll be good to see Hannah and Terry again. I didn't get to talk to them at church earlier today.”

“Hannah will be excited to hear you're coming to dinner. I won't be surprised if she makes some more cookies.”

“I seem to remember I promised her I would take her shopping again before school starts. We'll have to plan an outing.”

Jared stepped into her personal space and leaned close to whisper, “Thank you. I wasn't sure how to ask you to do that for me.”

His nearness sent her heart beating fast. “You can ask me anything, Jared. After all you've done for me, this is nothing.”

“Not to Hannah. You've touched my daughter's life.”

How about yours? Kathleen wondered.

 

Hannah threw open the front door, a huge grin on her face. “I'm so glad you could come over tonight.”

Kathleen responded with her own smile, the child's enthusiasm spreading. “I couldn't pass up a home-cooked meal.”

The young girl puffed out her chest. “I made dessert. Cookies.”

“If they're anything like the ones I had last night, I'm throwing my diet out the window.”

“Hannah, are you going to let our guests in or are we going to have dinner out on the front porch?” Jared came up behind his daughter, placing a hand on her shoulder. “I'm glad you could come, Mark.”

“Thanks,” Kathleen's son mumbled, looking uncomfortable, his eyes downcast.

“Mark, you are always welcome here.” Jared closed the door and gestured for everyone to go into the den off to the left.

“Where's Terry?” Kathleen surveyed the large room with its overstuffed furniture and paneled walls that shone with a rich walnut luster. She could tell the family spent many nights in the den. There was a reading corner, a desk with a computer on it, a game table and a big television set.

“He went upstairs to get a game for us to play later.”

Just as Jared finished explaining, Terry ran into the room with a box clutched in his hands. “I found it.”

“Good. We'll play after we eat.”

“Play what?” Kathleen asked, trying to see what Terry put on the game table.

“Clue,” Hannah said, pulling Kathleen over to the table to show her the box. “This is Dad's favorite game.”

Kathleen peered at Jared. “You like a good murder?”

“Oh, yes. You ought to see what I read in between the medical journals.”

“Why, Dr. Matthews, I am surprised. You're a healer.”

“Who enjoys a good book that gets my old heart thumping.”

“I never considered reading an aerobic exercise. That's one I might consider doing.”

Kathleen watched Mark prowl the room, checking out the computer before walking toward the TV. She tensed even though the set wasn't turned on. When her son passed the television and went to the bookshelves next to it, she released a breath she hadn't even realized she was holding.

Jared leaned close and murmured, “He'll be fine. He's taken his medication. He seems much calmer each time I see him, more attuned to his surroundings. Remember that last night he joined in with the group he was sitting with.”

“I know. But the fear is there. What if he has another psychotic episode?”

“You'll handle it like the first one.”

Kathleen started to say that she hoped so, that she prayed every day for the strength to deal with Mark, but Terry interrupted with, “Dad, I'm hungry. When are we gonna eat?”

Jared glanced at his son. “Right now.”

As Terry hurried from the room, Kathleen noticed he kept his distance from her son. She couldn't blame the boy for being wary of Mark. Even her son saw the look Terry gave him and frowned. He hung back,
motioning to Kathleen to stay, while Hannah and Jared left the den.

“I'm not that hungry. I'd rather stay in here.”

“Why, Mark?”

Her son stared down at the floor, his brow creased. “Dr. Martins and I talked about what I did. I think Terry is scared of me.”

Kathleen put her arm around his shoulder and was glad when her son didn't flinch. “Then come into the dining room and show him things have changed. That you're better.”

He sighed. “I guess I can do that.”

Kathleen walked with her son toward the dining room. Maybe they shouldn't have come tonight. Was she expecting too much of Mark? Was she letting her growing feelings for Jared color her perception?

There were two places left for her and Mark when they entered the room. One was at the end of the table and the other on the side across from Hannah and Terry. When Kathleen sat facing Jared and scanned the table, for a brief moment she felt as if they were a family. The realization they weren't brought a dull ache to her heart. She had always wanted more children and that didn't seem possible. She had to think of Mark first and foremost, and how could she ask someone else to take on the burden of caring for her son? Even someone as wonderful as Jared had his limitations.

The aroma of onions and other spices mingled with freshly baked bread. When Mrs. Davis came out of the kitchen and put two large pizzas on the table, Mark's eyes gleamed. Kathleen sent a warm smile to
Jared. Pizza was her son's favorite food and even though it had been served the evening before, it was a perfect choice for three children.

Terry started to reach for a piece when Jared said, “Let's give thanks first, son.”

Terry snatched his hand back and dropped his head while Jared said, “Lord, thank You for all this wonderful food but most especially for the company of good friends. Watch over all at this table tonight and be always in our lives. Amen.”

Terry mumbled amen quickly, then grabbed two pieces of pepperoni pizza with everything on it. Hannah followed suit with Mark right behind her.

“School starts soon,” Kathleen said, all the children groaning. “I thought if you wanted, Hannah, I could take you shopping again for clothes.”

“Really?” Hannah's eyes grew round. “Are you sure?”

Kathleen nodded. “I could use some new clothes myself and wouldn't mind your input.”

“You mean it? You want my help?”

“Yes, we could do it some time this week.”

“How about me?” Terry asked, gulping down a huge swallow of milk that left a white mustache on his face.

“I've got to take Mark shopping for school. Why don't you come along then if that's okay with your dad?”

“Sure.” Jared's eyes crinkled at the corners, his two dimples appearing.

Terry looked down at his plate and didn't say a
word. Tension swept through the room, chilling the air.

Mark shifted in his chair, scooted it back and rose. “Excuse me.”

The minute her son left, Hannah rounded on Terry. “I'll go with Kathleen and Mark shopping. I'm no scaredy-cat.”

“Hannah!”

Jared's stern voice sliced through the mounting tension. Terry's hunched shoulders and downcast eyes made Kathleen's heart wrench.

She stood and walked to his chair, squatting down next to it and touching the young boy's arm. “Terry, I understand why you are afraid of my son. I would be glad to take you shopping alone. Just you and me and afterward we can visit the ice-cream store. There's a hot caramel sundae with my name on it, just waiting for me to walk through the door.”

With eyes glistening, Terry glanced at her. “You don't mind going three times?”

“No. My son has been helping his grandparents in their backyard. It'll give him more time to be with them.” Kathleen didn't say that she didn't leave Mark alone, not yet. Even though he was sixteen, she was afraid she would return home and find him gone again. The memories of searching for him were still too fresh in her mind.

 

“It's Colonel Mustard in the kitchen with a knife,” Jared announced triumphantly to everyone sitting at the game table.

Hannah and Terry groaned. Kathleen handed Jared
the pack to check his answer. He slipped the three cards out and smiled.

“You always win,” Hannah said with a pout.

“Can we play again? That was what I was going to say my next turn.” Mark tore off his paper and crumbled it in his hand, tossing it on the table next to him.

“Sure. If everyone else wants to play again.” Jared shuffled the cards.

Kathleen checked her watch. “We have time for one more game.”

“Can I be red this time?” Terry asked Mark.

Mark slid the game piece to Terry.

While Jared dealt the cards to each player, he thought about the past hour playing with Kathleen, Mark and his children. This was the way a family should be, he mused as he looked at his cards and marked his paper. Even Terry was relaxed now around Mark. And Mark had gotten into the game, winning the first one. The smile that had graced the teenager's face had lit the whole room. But best of all was Kathleen's accompanying look of happiness.

He knew in his marriage to Alice there had been times like this, but as the years passed they had become fewer and fewer. Kathleen was the kind of mother he wanted his children to have, but could he risk his heart again to give his children what they needed?

Terry went first. “Look out. Here I come. I'm gonna win this one. Red's my favorite color.”

“If that's the case then I'll win. Yellow's my fa
vorite color.” Hannah took the dice and threw it. When she got a two, her face fell.

“Better luck next time, squirt.” Mark took his turn, moving his game piece six spaces into a room.

Jared caught Kathleen's gaze across the table. A light shone in her eyes that touched a part of him he thought had died a long time ago. He began to dream—dream of a family, whole and complete with a mother and a father for his children. The vision began to grow as each player took another turn.

When Jared started to pick up the dice for the third time, the phone rang. “Hold everything. I'll be right back.” He hurried to the desk and snatched up the receiver. “Hello.”