Wednesday (Timeless Series #3) (15 page)

Regret

Hawke

I was sick to my stomach.

Seeing her with someone else, especially Kyle, was brutal. My heart was cloven clean in two and now it didn’t work anymore. It was broken to begin with but now it was massacred into pieces. While I was high on my rampage, I wasn’t sure what she was doing.

But I didn’t expect her to be with him.

Not only was she with him, but she was happy. They were singing songs together in a karaoke bar, stupid love songs you heard at a convenience store. They acted like a couple, like they’d been together for years.

It was like our relationship never happened.

How long had this been going on? Did she go back to him the second we broke up? I hadn’t been with anyone else in six months but she was already back together with her ex?

Would she really do that?

Axel never mentioned it, and I couldn’t figure out why. A heads up would have been nice. He never said Francesca’s name but I assumed it was because there was nothing to say.

I stayed in my apartment and hardly moved. I didn’t hit the gym because I was too depressed. Hours passed while I lay on the couch, staring at the ceiling with all the lights off. Sometimes I could hear Francesca’s ghost if I was quiet enough. The memory of her life brought me comfort—but it also brought me pain.

***

Axel and I played basketball after work. We usually played one-on-one unless we found other guys to play with. Running up and down the court with a ball in my hand was a lot better than hitting the treadmill.

The treadmill was boring.

He talked about Marie on and off as we played, his favorite subject to discuss.

“Kids anytime soon?”

“God, no.” He dribbled the ball then tucked it into his side. “I’m not ready for that. Right now, I’m just enjoying being married. It’s weird to think I actually got married. And it’s even weirder to think I actually like being married.”

“You found the right person. It’s not that strange.”

“I don’t know if Marie is necessarily the right person.” He walked to the bench where his water bottle was. “I don’t know if I’m the right person for her. I just know I want her more than anyone else.”

I stared at him with new eyes, knowing that was the wisest thing he’d ever said.

He sat down and took a drink. When he noticed my stare, he said, “What?”

“Nothing.” I took a seat and rested my arms on my knees.

“I want kids someday. The idea of seeing Marie big and round with my baby would be cute.”

I understood the sensation. I’d thought about Francesca in the same way. It was hard to believe we’d been broken up for so long. When I took this emotional journey, I never expected it to last this amount of time. “So, Francesca is with Kyle again?” It was stupid to ask Axel about it but I needed to know. I couldn’t ask her myself and pry into her life like that. It was none of my business.

He noticeably tensed beside me, abandoning his water bottle. “What?” The threat in his voice was unmistakable.

“I saw the four of you together at karaoke the other night.”

He leaned back against the bench and stared at me.

“How long has that been going on?” I stared across the court, careful not to make eye contact with him.

“Why do you give a damn?” Axel hadn’t told me off for what I did to Francesca. I suspected he bottled it inside because Francesca asked him to. I lost one parent then tried to murder the other one. I was in some serious shit at the time.

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because you dumped her and took off—again.”

I rubbed my palms together, knowing what was coming.

“You have a lot of fucking nerve, you know that?”

I kept my voice calm so the argument wouldn’t escalate. “I was just asking—that’s all.”

“Why are you asking? Because you don’t want to be with her until someone else wants her? You don’t want her but no one else can have her?” He left the bench and rose to his feet, the ball slowly bouncing away and his bottle abandoned on the chair.

“That’s not what I said.”

“Well, that’s what I’m hearing. You really fucked up Francesca the first time and then you ditched her again a second time. All she was trying to do was be there for you but you wouldn’t let that happen. You pushed and pushed until she finally turned her back. In case you didn’t notice, my sister isn’t the type of girl who puts up with an asshole like you. She’s much better than that—much better than you.”

***

I was beginning to understand the extent of the damage I’d caused.

I chased away the woman I loved.

I turned my best friend against me.

Obviously, Marie wanted nothing to do with me.

If my plan was to get everyone to hate me, I succeeded.

Six months ago, I wasn’t in the right state of mind. When I lost so much so quickly, I fell into a dark abyss I couldn’t crawl out of. Francesca claimed I wouldn’t have shot my father, but I would have. The guilt weighed my shoulders down dangerously, causing so much strain they could snap at any moment.

The fact I had no one to blame but myself made everything worse.

I shoved her things in boxes and demanded she take them with her. I told her I didn’t want her anymore and that I would hurt without any warning. Unforgiveable words left my mouth as I tried to get her to stay away from me.

Now I was here—alone.

Axel didn’t provide the information I needed. I wanted to know how serious this relationship was with Kyle. Did she immediately call him the second I was gone? How long had they been sleeping together?

Did she still love me?

I should keep my distance and leave her in peace. After what I did, I didn’t even deserve a conversation. And if she really was happy with Kyle, the right thing to do was stay out of it. Maybe he fixed all the broken pieces I shattered. Maybe he gave her the normal, healthy relationship that I could never provide. Maybe he never struggled with his anger.

But I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Every memory came back to me, more vivid than the previous one. She and I shared so much together. We created so much beauty in just our embraces. What I had was rare and pure.

Then I threw it away—again.

Sorry wouldn’t cut it. Another promise would be meaningless. There weren’t any tricks left up my sleeve. All I had was love.

Would that be enough?

***

The only time I could speak to her alone was when she got to The Muffin Girl early in the morning. She opened the store for her employees and got to work in her kitchen. I stood a few feet away and watched the distant rays of the sun peek over the skyscrapers. It was a cold morning, cold enough for dew to form on the leaves of the trees.

She walked up the sidewalk with her Beats on, looking cute as hell. I hadn’t seen her in so long and never forgot her face, but I was amazed by her beauty—as always.

Her hair was in a high ponytail, slicked back with experienced hands. She wore skinny jeans with distant flour stains on the front, and her black sweater had the bakery logo on it. She was staring at her phone, probably playing a game to pass the time on her walk.

When she arrived at the store, she inserted her key and got the door open. The alarm went off so she immediately jogged to the panel in the back of the store to disarm it.

I slipped inside and locked the door behind me.

The alarm stopped beeping, and her voice trailed to my ears. She was singing quietly under her breath, something from Shakira. Instead of making my presence known, I just listened, missing the sound of her voice.

Her words suddenly died in her throat, like she realized she wasn’t the only person in the shop. She couldn’t see me and had no way of knowing I was there, but somehow she knew.

She knew it was me.

She didn’t reveal herself from the back of the store. It was dead silent, the kind of silence that makes your skin prickle. The lights were on but it suddenly felt dark. My heart ached in my chest, loving the fact she could still sense me after all this time. We were still in tune just as much as before. There was static in the air, a different hum that only the two of us could hear. We operated at a different frequency than everyone else.

Her footsteps slowly thudded against the checkerboard black and white tile as she came from the back of the shop. She walked slowly, taking her time before she reached me. She dragged it out as long as possible, dreading the forthcoming conversation.

Then she appeared.

Her rose gold beats were around her neck and her phone was stuffed into her front pocket. She stared at me with shielded eyes, hiding every thought deep inside herself. Instead of appearing livid by my unwelcomed entrance, she didn’t show any kind of emotion at all.

She kept walking toward me, her eyes trained on me like we were about to draw weapons on each other.

Feeing her look at me, acknowledging that we were in the same room together, gave me the oddest sense of satisfaction. It gave me a high that wouldn’t die down. The connection that we both recognized long ago was still there. I could feel it in the thump of my heartbeat. It was loud in every breath I took.

She stopped when we were five feet apart. Her eyes locked on mine and she didn’t blink. Her stance wasn’t hostile but it was clear she didn’t want me there. Even five feet was too close for her.

Without saying a single word, she told me how she felt. Last time, she was indifferent to my presence. But now, she despised me. She loathed me for the way I treated her. There was nothing she wanted more than to never see my face again. My actions were unforgivable, and on that day, when she told me she would never give me another chance, she meant every word.

I kept my breathing controlled despite the blow I just received. She tore me into pieces with just a simple look. Somehow, she told me exactly how she felt with her eyes.

And I never felt worse in my entire life.

I made her look at me this way. I was responsible for destroying the most beautiful thing we’d ever shared. My gaze could hardly hold hers any longer. Shame washed over me, and I knew I didn’t deserve her. I had no right to walk into her shop that morning.

Then I looked down. My eyes focused on the chain that hung around her neck. It was made of platinum, the same material of the necklace I got her a lifetime ago. The pendant disappeared under her shirt so I couldn’t see it. But I suspected it was the very one.

She took a step closer to me, silently threatening me to walk out and never come back.

I took a step back, yielding to her aggression. It was difficult to stand up like a real man after what I did to her. Instead of being strong for her, I was swallowed by my grief and became…a coward.

Worse than anything else was the disappointment. It was written all over her face. She expected so much more from me, stood by me despite the odds, and gave me faith when no one else did.

The undeniable truth hit me square in the chest. She may be the love of my life, but she would never forgive me. Not now. Not ever. I stared at the floor between us, feeling the distant moisture enter my eyes. I’d lost a lot in my life but losing her was something completely different. She was everything to me. Even when I didn’t make that clear, she was.

I kept my head bowed and walked out of the shop—knowing I was no longer welcome.

Carved

Francesca

I expected Hawke to walk back into my life at some point, but I expected it to come a lot sooner than six months. Without saying a word, I knew why he was there. The look in his eyes told me everything I needed to know.

But I refused to listen to a word of it.

I kicked him out of my life and threatened him to stay away from me. I wasn’t his anymore, and I didn’t owe him a damn thing. His problems were his own, and I was sick of his emotional games.

He meant nothing to me.

I never told Kyle what happened. After he asked me all those questions about Hawke, I thought it was best to keep it quiet. There was nothing to tell anyway. Hawke and I didn’t exchange a single word—with our mouths at least.

Hawke wouldn’t return to that shop—not after I ripped into him like that with just my eyes. He backed up and bowed his head, knowing he deserved every look I gave him. He knew he didn’t belong there. And like a dog, he tucked his tail between his legs and bowed out of the game.

I tried to forget the whole thing.

***

Axel sat beside Kyle on the couch. They both had beers in their hands and they were enjoying the basketball game.

“Dude, I love the Knicks.” Axel was one of the biggest sports geeks I ever knew.

But Kyle was too. “They’re awesome. My firm has season tickets but I always forget to go.”

“Say what?” Axel almost spilled his beer. “How can you forget?”

Kyle shrugged. “I’ve got a lot on my plate.”

“You hardly go into the office.”

Kyle chuckled. “Well, I have a girlfriend so that takes up most of my time.” He gave me a dramatic wink before he turned back to Axel. “I golf a lot—getting pretty good, actually. And I still have to do paperwork and all the boring stuff.”

“I wish I had your life.”

“No, you don’t,” Kyle said. “I’m dating your sister, remember?”

“Gross.” Axel shook his head. “Good point.”

Marie’s voice came from the kitchen. “Babe, can you give me a hand?”

Axel set his beer down. “Looks like my wife needs me.”

Marie came around the corner and looked at me. “Frankie, can you help with the kabobs? I never know how to skewer them.”

I smiled triumphantly then walked with her into the kitchen.

“What the hell?” Axel said to Kyle.

“What a burn,” Kyle said. “But I can’t blame her. Frankie is a very desirable woman.”

“Don’t make me break this bottle over your head.”

I came to Marie’s side and tuned out the guys’ conversation. “They’re funny, aren’t they?”

“They get along really well.” She set a bowl of different ingredients aside and we skewered everything on wooden sticks. “Axel loves Kyle.”

“He does?” I didn’t think Axel loved any of the guys I saw.

“Yeah, he really does.” Marie concentrated on her fingers and slid the mushrooms and peppers on the stick. “He said he hopes Kyle is the last boyfriend you’ll ever have.”

I couldn’t believe my ears. “Seriously?”

She nodded, a smile on her lips.

I’d always thought Axel wanted me to be with Hawke. But I guess the brutal way we broke up changed everything. “Well, I’m glad you guys like him.”

“He’s so perfect for you.” Marie snuck a bite of chicken.

“I don’t know about that…but he is pretty great.”

“He’s more than great.” She grabbed the tray of completed kabobs then carried them into the living room.

I stayed behind and worked on a new batch of sticks.

Axel walked in a moment later and grabbed a beer from the fridge. “I’ll try not to take offense to that babe comment. After all, you’re the one in here slaving away.”

“It’s better than listening to you talk.”

Axel stood beside me and twisted the cap off his bottle. “Kyle said he’ll take me to a Knicks game next week.”

“Cool.”

He continued to stand there, lingering in an obnoxious way.

“What?”

“I really like him.” He blurted that out of thin air. “I just want you to know that.”

“Uh, thanks. But I’ve never cared about your opinion.”

“Yes, you do.” He argued with me but not in a smartass way. “I wouldn’t mind being his brother-in-law, if it ever came to that.”

Now this was getting weird. “Axel, I’m glad you like him but where is this coming from? Kyle and I have been dating for a month. Why is marriage even being mentioned?”

“You’re right.” He raised both hands like that was supposed to keep me calm. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.”

My brother never apologized for anything, even when he was wrong. “What’s up?”

“What do you mean?” He stood awkwardly, like he was trying to be cool but failing at it.

“Why are you being weird?”

“I’m not.”

When I looked into his eyes, I finally figured it out. “Don’t worry about Hawke. I’m never going back to him. There’s nothing he could ever say or do to change my mind.”

“So…does that mean you’ve spoken to him?”

Not technically. “He came by the shop last week. He was there for two minutes then left. He won’t bother me again.”

He set his beer down and sighed. “I told him off when he asked about Kyle. Apparently, he saw all of us together at karaoke.”

Now I actually felt bad for him. Hawke walked into that bar expecting a regular night only to see Kyle and I exchanging kisses and under-the-table touches. But then that pity disappeared. “He’ll get over it.”

“He only came to talk to you because he realized you moved on. Frankie, he’s an ass—”

“I’m not going back to him, not now or ever. But I really don’t want you to change your relationship with him because of it. Hawke was in a really dark place when everything happened. The last thing he needs is to lose his best friend.”

“Well, he shouldn’t have fucked with my sister.” Axel slammed his beer down then walked away.

I stared at the pile of sticks for a moment before I got back to work, forgetting the argument the second it was over.

***

Kyle and I went to his place after dinner.

“Axel and I are going to a game next week.”

“He told me.” I walked into his bedroom and immediately fished for one of his t-shirts out of his drawer.

“He’s actually a pretty cool dude.”

“He’s alright.” I tossed it on the bed then began to undress, ready to get to bed. When my bra came off, Kyle blatantly stared at my tits. “He’s a good brother but he annoys me sometimes.”

He stared at me without processing a word I said.

I kept my panties on and pulled his shirt on.

“Why are you putting clothes on? I prefer it when you take them off.”

I pulled back the covers and got into bed. “I like to tease you.”

“Well, consider yourself successful.” He got into bed beside me and immediately pulled me underneath him. “You have one smoking body.”

“I have small tits, a tummy, and a flat ass.”

“Shut the hell up.” He lifted my shirt and kissed my stomach. “Baby, you’re perfect.”

“You’re the one who’s perfect.” I lay back and turned my neck, giving him full access. I liked it when he kissed me there. His tongue felt good on my skin, making my inner thighs ache in longing.

He sucked my bottom lip slowly before he pulled my underwear off. “I’ve been thinking about this moment all night.”

“Even when you were bonding with my brother?”

He moved his face between my legs. “Every. Second.”

***

I opened the shop then got to work in the back. Around six, the other workers came in, getting started on the pastries and other goodies we offered during breakfast time. I usually listened to my headphones in the morning. It was my alone time when I worked on my craft, designing beautiful cakes that people stuffed in their bellies.

When I felt the tension slide up my back and rest on my neck, I knew he was there. I couldn’t explain it in words. Somehow, I just knew. The air was different. The lighting was different. Music blared in my ears but I could swear I heard him. I pulled them off and tossed them on the counter before I turned around.

He stood in jeans and a hoodie, his brown hair a little longer than it used to be. The same devastated look was on his face. Apparently, my brutal rejection wasn’t enough for him.

I didn’t think he would be stupid enough to come into this bakery again. When he came by last week, I assumed that was the last interaction we would ever have—no matter how silent it was. “I’m very busy, and I don’t have time for people who don’t matter. Please go.”

He didn’t leave.

I knew he wouldn’t make it easy. “I told you exactly how I felt last week.”

“You didn’t say anything.”

“I didn’t need to.” I placed one hand on my hip and glared at him. “And that says a whole lot more.”

Hawke stood absolutely still but his eyes showed every ounce of emotion. A war was raging inside him, and it’d been going on for some time. But there was something else there as well—a demented surge of hope. “Muffin—”

“Don’t. Ever. Call. Me. That.” My temper flared up like a volcano. “You do not get to walk in here and talk to me like I’m yours. I’m not yours, and I never will be again.”

He put his hands in his pockets and bowed his head.

“Please give me five minutes.”

“No. You had all the time you would ever need. I was there, ready to listen and be whatever you needed me to be. You don’t get five minutes of my time. Actually, you don’t get any of my time.” I grabbed the spatula and returned my attention to the cake.

Hawke didn’t move. “I’ve been miserable—”

“Don’t care.” I hoped my brutality would shut him down and make him leave. I’d given him too many chances to be the man I knew he was capable of being. I’d cut him too much slack. But I was done with that.

“Francesca, listen to me.”

“I don’t owe you anything.”

“I’m not going to make excuses for my behavior. I’m not going to talk my way out of it. All I want is to apologize to you. I need you to understand that I regret what I did. I want you to know I’m suffering.”

The rage disappeared when I heard those words. It didn’t matter what he did to me or how much he hurt me. I never wanted him to suffer, to feel any unnecessary pain. A part of me would always love him, and that part couldn’t handle his grief.

I tossed the spatula in the bowl and faced him head-on. “I’m listening.”

His eyes glowed slightly, showing his appreciation. “I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for what I said to you all those months ago. I’m sorry for how I treated you. I’m sorry I ruined that beautiful thing we had. And I’m sorry…for breaking your heart.”

“You didn’t break my heart, Hawke. I didn’t mourn for you like last time. I got over it.” I turned back to the binder on the counter with the specifications of the decoration. “The moment I walked out of your apartment, I was done. I’d said my goodbye at the door and moved on. We both know the only reason you’re here is because I’m with Kyle now.”

“No.”

“Yes.” I gave him a dark glare.

“I’ve felt this way for the past six months. Nothing has changed.”

I wanted to scream. “Whatever. You went back to your old ways the second I was gone, fucking anything that moved and taking supermodels on vacation. The second I start sleeping with someone new, that’s when you get a wakeup call.” I shook my head in disapproval. “You’re the most selfish man I’ve ever met.”

He bowed his head again, his shoulders slumped. “I haven’t been with anyone else.”

Now I wanted to stab him with my spatula. “Don’t insult me.”

“I’m not lying. I’ve never lied to you and I never will.” He held my gaze as he said it, the sincerity in his eyes.

“You expect me to believe you’ve remained celibate for the past six months?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t believe you for even a second.”

“I jerked off a lot but I was never with anyone. The only person I want is you.”

“That makes zero sense.” I held my hand up, forming a circle with my forefinger and thumb. “Then why haven’t I seen you in half a year?”

“Because I know I’m not good enough for you. I don’t deserve you. But I want you anyway.” He held his breath as he stared at me. “My life has been a meaningless blur. The only thing that keeps me going is our memories. I know there’s still something here, underneath your resentment and hatred.”

“You’re mistaken.” I said goodbye to our future the second I left his apartment. “Kyle is a great guy, he treats me right, and he would never hurt me.”

“So, you’re going to be with someone just because they’re safe?” He came closer to the counter, infecting my personal space. “Because they won’t hurt you? Francesca, no matter how much people love each other, they will get hurt. It’s just the way it is.”

“I’m with Kyle for other reasons too.”