Wanderlust (31 page)

On the Ides of March, Mai Li became one year old, and two days later, Edward Driscoll had a stroke that left him without speech and paralyzed on his left side. His eyes looked at Audrey in anguish as she moved quietly about his room giving instructions to the nurses and waiting for the morning and evening visits from the doctor.

It had taken her two days to find Annabelle to give her the news. She had been in Los Angeles for a week, going to the races with friends and she hadn't been sleeping in her hotel room at night, or even bothering to answer the messages Audrey left her. And Audrey was livid when she finally found her.

What if something happened to one of your children?

You're there, aren't you? Faithful Audrey who never went anywhere and could always be counted on. She suddenly felt a boiling rage spill over in her, and had Annabelle been there, she might have slapped her. She was making a spectacle of herself all over the state, with both single and married men, and she seemed to be just as outrageous as Harcourt, who was having a flagrant affair with the wife of one of his best friends, and seemed to be in the gossip columns almost daily. It was too bad they hadn't stayed married, Grandfather had commented once, they deserved each other. But now, it wasn't Harcourt Audrey was thinking of when Annabelle finally returned her call with an air of boredom.

Grandfather had a stroke two days ago, Annie. You'd better come home now.

Why? Audrey could feel her whole body go rigid as she listened to her sister's voice.

Why? Because he's a very sick old man and he might die, that's why. And because he's taken care of you all your life, and you owe him something for that, or hadn't you thought of that before? Annabelle was the most selfish human being she'd ever known, and she was slowly beginning to hate her.

There's nothing I can do for him, Aud. And I'm rotten around a sick room. Audrey had discovered that when little Winston had gotten chicken pox and then passed them on to both Hannah and Molly. Annabelle had gone to Santa Barbara for a three-week vacation, leaving all three in Audrey's care. And she had never called once to see how they were doing.

You belong back here. Audrey's voice was like ice now. Not whoring around L.A. Now get your ass back here tonight. Is that clear?

Don't talk to me like that, you jealous bitch! Audrey was shocked at the venom in her sister's voice. There was no longer a vestige of kindness between them. I'll come back whenever I damn well want to. For what? Her inheritance? But as Audrey thought the words, she realized something she had known before. She could never have lived in that house alone with her sister. Once her grandfather was gone, she was going too. There was nothing to hold her there, or even in San Francisco. She owed Annabelle nothing. She had given her half her life and there was nothing left to give her. It was time Annabelle took care of her own responsibilities, and her own children.

Audrey sat thinking for only a moment and then nodded. Something had ended for her just then. It was the end of an era. Fine, Annabelle, come home whenever you like. And as she hung up, she felt as though she had been talking to a stranger.

Her grandfather lingered until early June, and then finally breathed his last, as Audrey held his hand and gently kissed his fingers. And even as she closed his eyes, and felt the tears roll down her cheeks, she knew it was a mercy. He had been such a powerful man once, so strong and proud, that to live trapped in a useless body with a failing mind and with a mouth that could no longer speak was the worst kind of prison she could think of. And it was time for him to be free. He was eighty-three years old, and very, very tired of living.

Audrey saw to all the arrangements with a heavy heart. She had never realized how many terrible details there were, everything from selecting the casket, to the music for his funeral service. There was a minister they had all known who read the eulogy at the funeral service, and Audrey sat in the front row in a black hat with a black veil, wearing a severe black suit and black stockings and shoes. Even Annabelle looked serious on that day, although she looked far less so at the reading of the will, and she smiled cheerfully at Audrey as she crossed her legs and lit a cigarette. He had left a far greater fortune than either of them had hoped for. There were the houses in San Francisco and Meeks Bay, at Lake Tahoe, as well as quite a lot of very solid stock that the girls could live on for the rest of their lives, if they were careful. And Audrey was particularly touched that he had left a small, specific bequest to Mai Li, and had referred to her as my great-granddaughter Molly Driscoll.

Tears filled Audrey's eyes as she listened, but Annabelle didn't appear nearly so touched. There was a clause that said that either of the girls could buy out the other's share of the houses, but otherwise they could live there together. And Audrey knew for certain that she would not do that.

Quietly, over the next few weeks, she packed up her things, and put them in boxes in the basement. There were packing boxes and steamer trunks, and a box of the clothes Mai Li had outgrown. There were even her father's albums, carefully wrapped in tissue paper and then linen, and stored away. She would only take a few trunks with her, and her plan was to go to Europe for a few months, and then she would decide what to do from there. She wanted to see Violet and James, and more importantly, she wanted to see Charlie. She wanted to see him more than anything. She was free now, and she had none of the encumbrances she had had before, except Mai Li. She had heard nothing from him since he'd left San Francisco in September. Her heart still ached when she thought of the proposal she had felt obliged to turn down, and she wondered if he would even be willing to see her. She hoped so. He was the main reason for her going to Europe.

It was late July by the time she finished all the odds and ends that she had to attend to. Everything was packed and put away. Her affairs were in order, and she had done whatever she had to do for her grandfather's estate, and then finally she sat down with Annabelle one day. Annabelle was dressing to go out and Audrey thought she was wearing too much rouge. There was a pantsuit spread out on the bed, and a creamy silk shirt, and she was doing her hair in an upsweep. She had been copying the style of Marlene Dietrich a lot these days, and she was creating almost as much sensation in San Francisco as Dietrich was in Europe.

You're too pretty to wear pants. She smiled at her younger sister and sat down, and Annabelle eyed her suspiciously. They had spoken little since their grandfather died, and there had been an item in the paper about her the day before, something about her flirting with somebody's husband, and she wondered if Audrey was going to give her a lecture.

I'm in a hurry to go out, Aud. She spoke nervously and avoided Audrey's eyes, as a cigarette burned in a pink ashtray on her mirrored dressing table. And in the next room they could hear Winston and Hannah and Molly playing and fighting over their toys. They were a rough little crew, but they had been good company for Molly and Audrey knew she was going to miss them.

I won't take much of your time, Annie. She was wearing a plain black silk dress and she looked older than her years as she looked at her younger sister. She was wearing black to mourn the grandfather they had just lost, but Annabelle seemed not to remember. I'm leaving for Europe in a few days. I thought I'd let you know.

You're what? She looked horrified, which seemed amazing to Audrey. They hardly saw each other anymore, and when they did it wasn't pleasant. When did you decide that? She swiveled on the seat to her dressing table and stared at her sister, with one eyebrow painted on and the other one missing as Audrey smiled at her.

I decided a few weeks ago. There isn't enough room in this house for both of us, Annie. And there's no reason for me to be here anymore. I stayed for Grandfather's sake, but he's gone now.

What about me? Audrey stared at her in dismay, surely she couldn't still expect Audrey to stay and take care of her. What about my children? Who'll run this house? So that was it. Audrey almost laughed at the horror on her face.

I guess that's all up to you now, Annie. It's your turn. I've done it for eighteen years. She was twenty-nine now, and she had been running her grandfather's house since she was eleven. More than that, she had been taking care of Annabelle's children for her since she had moved in ten months before, and it was high time Annabelle took care of them herself. It's all yours now. She stood up with a small, wintry smile. She still felt the emptiness of their loss and each time she walked down the hall, she missed him. She couldn't even go down to breakfast anymore. She choked looking at his empty place and waiting for him to arrive, to argue with her over what he read in the paper.

Where are you going to go? Annabelle looked frankly panicked.

England. The South of France after that, and then I'll see.

When are you coming home?

I haven't made up my mind yet. Probably not for a few months. I have no reason to rush back now.

The hell you don't. She slammed her hairbrush down on the table and stood up. You can't just walk out on me like that.

Audrey stood up and looked down on her much smaller sister. She was smaller in stature as well as spirit. I didn't really think you'd notice.

What's that supposed to mean?

We're not exactly close anymore, Annie, are we? Her voice was gentle and her eyes were sad. It wasn't supposed to have ended up that way, but it had. There was nothing between them anymore, nothing except unpleasantness and hard feelings and mutual disapproval.

Why are you doing this to me? Annabelle started to cry and her mascara started to run in black rivers down her cheeks. She looked awful as she sat down again and stared up at Audrey. You hate me, don't you?

No, I don't.

You're jealous of me because you never had a husband.

Audrey suddenly laughed in the dressing room that reeked of perfume and cigarette smoke. She had never wanted a husband like Harcourt, and the only man she'd ever loved had been Charlie. I hope you don't believe that, Annie. I don't begrudge you what you've had, and I hope you marry again one day, a little more wisely this time perhaps, although that seemed unlikely given her taste and wild behavior. It's just time for me to go. I guess I'm like Father. I need to move around. She didn't tell her about Charlie.

What'll I do with the children? she wailed.

Get a nurse for them.

No one ever stays. Audrey was sorry for her, but she wasn't willing to stay either, and it might be good for Annabelle to have to take care of her children herself for a change. Audrey was rejoicing at the prospect of being alone with Molly. She was beginning to talk now and each moment she spent with her was a pleasure.

Audrey stood for a long moment, looking down at her sister. I'm sorry, Annie.

Get out of my room! Annabelle shouted at her, hurling her hairbrush at the door. Get out of my house! Audrey closed the door softly behind her and she heard the sound of breaking glass shortly after.

Four days later, she closed the last of her bags, and looked around her room. She had no regrets. She could hardly wait to leave, even though Annabelle had come sobbing to her the night before, begging her not to go. Two of the maids had quit once they knew Audrey was leaving, and both the cook and the butler had retired the month before, shortly after her grandfather's death. It was time for all of them to start fresh, Annabelle as well as Audrey, and for the first time in her life she was being forced to stand on her own two feet. As she put her bag in the hall with a sigh, Audrey wondered how she would manage. And as she looked down the hall, she wondered when she would see this house again, if ever. And it would surely no longer be the same. Once Annabelle got used to being on her own, she would probably go wild and sell everything in it, or throw everything out and redecorate, and it was unlikely that she would be decent enough to ask Audrey's permission.

Annabelle did not get up to say good-bye to her before she left, and the children were still sleeping. Audrey quietly dressed Mai Li, and they had breakfast in the kitchen, and the chauffeur drove them to the airport with all their things. She had decided to fly to New York to save time, rather than take the train, and then they would board the Normandie, the French line's newest and most wonderful ship, and she planned to get off in Southampton. She was hoping to see Charlie as well, and she was planning to call him as soon as she got to London. Perhaps he was too angry with her and the damage could not be repaired. But she had to try. She owed herself that much. He was the only man she had ever loved, and it was worth one more try to see him.

She shook hands with all of the servants before she left, and scooped Molly up in her arms, and walked down the front steps with the child in one arm, and her vanity case in the other. It was the same vanity case she had taken with her to China and she smiled to herself now as she remembered the endless trip on the trains, clutching the useless object on her lap as Charles threatened to toss it out or trade it for a couple of fat chickens. She could hardly wait to see him now. And the long flight to New York seemed to pass in minutes as she thought again and again of her final destination. She had no regrets about leaving San Francisco, and she could feel her heart thump as the plane got under way. There was something so exhilarating about going away ' traveling anywhere ' she had the same feeling when they boarded the ship in New York, and she remembered meeting Violet and James only two years before on the Mauretania. But this time there was no one who particularly interested her on the crossing and although the Normandie was extraordinary in every way, she spent most of her time with Mai Li, or reading in a deck chair while Mai Li played nearby, and she ate most of her meals in their cabin. She didn't want to leave the child with an unfamiliar maid while she went to dine, and she was perfectly content to lead a solitary life. Most of the time she still wore black, and she was lost in her own thoughts, and anxious to see Charlie. She hadn't seen him since he left her on the sidewalk and drove away, after she turned down his proposal. The very thought touched her heart again, and she felt the same dull ache she always felt when she thought of him. But it was exhilarating docking in Southampton. She was only hours away from him now, and the trip to London sped by, it was only a little while later that she checked into Claridge's again, as she had before, and asked the operator to connect her with his number. He was out when she called, but it was still only midafternoon. He was probably out for the afternoon or perhaps even away for a few days. If she didn't reach him by the following day, she could send a note to his flat, or ask Violet and James if they knew where he was when she called them in Antibes, which she finally did late the next day. Lady Vi came on the line, and it was a terrible connection.