Wanderlust (35 page)

Good-bye, Charles. At least she knew now that it was over. There were no more delusions that they might be together again someday. They both knew they wouldn't.

Say hello to Venice for me. His words said everything ' that he still loved her and he remembered, but she only shook her head, holding Molly close to her.

I won't be going. That's for Ushi and Karl. He nodded. He understood perfectly. He never wanted to go back there again either. It would have been far too painful.

Perhaps I'll see you in London sometime. She didn't answer, she only looked at him and then turned away, and a few moments later she got in the car after kissing Vi and James again, and drove off with the Rosens.

Are you feeling all right, Charlotte? He looked at his wife solicitously after Audrey left, trying to feel some of the same things for her, but they just weren't there. And he had to remind himself that the baby she was carrying was his, but even that didn't seem real yet. Nothing showed, and she was so brave about it that she hardly ever mentioned it. It was almost as though they both forgot it at times, but he smiled at her now, anxious to be kind to her, as though to remind himself that she was his wife and not Audrey.

But the house in Antibes was like a tomb without the Rosens and Audrey. He and James took a long walk on the beach, but he didn't share any of what was on his mind. And Lady Vi made an effort to get to know Charlotte better, but she found that she disliked her as much as she had at first. There was nothing warm about the woman, nothing gentle, nothing soft, and Lady Vi wondered how Charlie stood her. It wasn't enough that she was intelligent.

He might as well be married to a man for God's sake, Vi complained to James in the privacy of their bedroom later that night. How on earth could he marry her? Charlie had finally told him.

She's pregnant.

Oh my God. Violet stared at him in shock and then shook her head. How awful for Charlie. Is that why he married her?

I think so, although he didn't put it quite that bluntly. And I'm not quite as adept as you are with rude, pointed questions. He smiled at his wife, grateful that their life was simpler than Charlie's. I think he would have preferred it if she'd had an abortion. But apparently she's Catholic.

She is? Lady Vi was surprised. I didn't think she was. And she didn't go to church on Sunday. They were all Church of England, and Roman Catholics were rare among their friends.

Maybe she didn't feel well. In any case, there it is, our Charles is going to be a daddy.

Is he pleased?

I'm not sure. I think he's still a bit numb, frankly. And actually, you know, I think he likes her. They've been having an affair for quite a while, and she went out to Cairo to be with him when he was there ' I just don't think he thought of it as a permanent thing. I think he would have preferred Audrey in that case.

Thank God for that ' poor Charlie ' and poor Audrey. What a terrible mess. She frowned at her husband then. You know, I'll bet she did it on purpose.

James laughed at her suspicious nature. It's been done before, although I don't really think she's the type. She's too businesslike to resort to feminine wiles.

Don't be so sure. I think she's excited by the idea of building Charlie's career, and having him like a puppet on a string. Also, he's damn good-looking and I think she decided to get what she wanted. And she'd never have gotten him otherwise.

Good Lord, you have an evil mind. Is that how you got me? Plotting and planning?

Of course, she beamed happily, but at least I didn't use a cheap trick like getting pregnant.

He rolled his eyes at the memory. I wish you had ' you drove me mad for damn close to two years ' bloody fanatical virgin ' . She blushed at the memory, and he ran a hand up the inside of her thigh and caressed her, and a moment later both of them forgot Audrey and Charlie.

The days Audrey and the Rosens spent in San Remo were easy and fun, and Audrey felt more relaxed than she had during the last few days in Antibes with Charlie and his wife around. It had been a terrible strain trying not to cause a scene, and dealing with her own feelings at the same time. She missed Violet and James but she was happy to have left, and San Remo was always fun, even now at the end of the summer.

Audrey had intended to leave Karl and Ushi there, and go on to Italy by train, but they were so insistent that she at least go as far as Milan with them, that she finally relented. She planned to go on to Rome after that, while they went to Venice, and in the meantime, they had a fabulous time in Milan staying with friends of Karl's in a palazzo the likes of which Audrey had never seen. There were frescoes orrthe walls, incredible tapestries that belonged in museums, and paintings by everyone from Renoir to Goya to da Vinci with an enormous collection by della Robbia. It was an extraordinary place, and a marvelous holiday. Their host was a Principe, a prince, and his wife a Principessa, and Audrey had a marvelous time staying up until dawn with them every night. They all drank too much wine, and went to every party in town. They even gave a 'little ball for them, which was an impromptu affair for three hundred of their closest friends in Karl and Ushi's honor. Audrey wore one of the evening dresses she'd brought for the ship, and actually felt very plain next to the extravagantly dressed Italian women in their heavy emerald and ruby and sapphire necklaces and diamond tiaras.

They all hated to leave when the time came, Audrey most of all, and now her proposed trip to Rome seemed terribly dull, as she sat eating breakfast one morning with Molly. She was thinking of going back to London earlier than planned, and secretly bemoaning the fact that she had nothing to do now. Maybe Violet would join her on a brief trip to Paris. But that morning Ushi and Karl brought up the trip to Venice again, and they absolutely insisted that she join them. They were certain that they didn't want time alone, and if they did they would let her know, they promised.

We will be lonely without you now, Audrey. And it was Molly they especially adored. Ushi scooped her up in her arms and wailed over the fact that she would never have a baby that looked like Molly, as Karl and Audrey laughed. I'm afraid not, my darling, he teased her. And unfortunately, thus far, they had no reason to suspect she was pregnant yet, but they were having a good time trying. You must come with us. That's all! He tried to look very Prussian as he said it and only succeeded in looking like a petulant child. He was a very handsome man, though differently than Charlie or James, but he had dark, exotic looks in a very Semitic way, and Audrey could easily see why Ushi thought he was handsome. She wondered then if she would ever find anyone for herself. Everyone seemed to have found the perfect mate, Violet in James, Ushi in Karl, and even their hosts in Milan seemed perfectly suited. She was beginning to feel the pain of being alone all the time, and couldn't imagine now what she had done with her life before Molly. So will you come? They looked expectantly at her and she could no longer think of an excuse not to go with them.

I won't so much as speak to you if I do, you know. Venice is the most romantic place in the world, and I won't spoil it for you.

Ushi laughed mischievously and winked at Karl and he laughed and looked at Audrey, putting a finger to his lips, as though he were about to impart a deep, dark secret. We've already been there last year ' .

Ushi tittered naughtily and all three of them laughed. It was 1935, after all, not 1912, and all of them had had their little flings. Venice was where her love affair with Charlie had begun, and she was afraid to go to Venice with them. She was afraid that the memories would be too painful.

You will come? Ushi looked at her like a hopeful child and Audrey laughed and threw up her hands. They were impossible to resist, she had too much fun with them, and she hardly felt guilty anymore for intruding on their honeymoon, although she knew she should have.

All right. I'll come. A cheer went up from the group, and they set out the next day in high spirits. They left their car at the station, and piled into a gondola like happy tourists as the gondoliere serenaded them all the way to the Gritti Palace. He asked them if they had been to Venice before and all three of them nodded, and as he took them beneath the Bridge of Sighs, he told them all to close their eyes and hold their breath and their wishes would come true. And Ushi and Karl held hands as they did it. Audrey only smiled down at Molly in her arms, she had nothing left to make wishes for, and she was desperately fighting the memory of Charlie.

It was difficult just being there, and being so close to the love Ushi and Karl shared made it even harder. But on the other hand, she knew that if she could survive returning to Venice again, she could survive anything, and they were good sports about taking her everywhere with them. And eventually Audrey confided in Ushi. She had to share her feelings with someone. It was too painful being there, remembering it all, and knowing it was over forever. She told Ushi about their trip to China ' her staying in Harbin ' his coming to San Francisco ' and her refusal to drop everything to marry him ' and then his marriage to Charlotte.

How terrible for you to meet him in Antibes. She understood fully now how painful it must have been for her, and she was even sorry they had urged her to come to Venice. It seemed terribly unkind to have done it to her, now that she knew all the details. You know, I said to Karl, I don't think he loves her. She was referring to Charlotte. She is a very smart woman, and Karl said he liked her. But she is not a woman with heart ' you know, Audrey? Audrey smiled at her English.

He's married to her anyway, Ushi.

It must be very hard for him too. Audrey nodded, but it didn't change anything. And now she had to forget him. You must meet someone else. She was thinking of a friend of Karl's, a teacher at the university. He was forty years old, and a widower with two young children, and Ushi was very fond of him, much as Vi was of Charles. You will come to visit us. She didn't say more for fear that Audrey would resist her.

For the rest of their stay, they did all the appropriate things, museums, churches, they visited the glass factories, and eventually Audrey stopped imagining that she saw Charlie at every corner. It had helped baring her soul to Ushi. And the night before they were due to leave, Karl turned to her with a gentle smile. He had grown very fond of their American friend, and they were both crazy about Molly.

Why don't you come to Germany with us?

Audrey laughed. Haven't you seen enough of me, Karl? It really is becoming a m+!nage + trois. She smiled at his wife. I should think you'd be happy to get rid of me. She was taking the train to London the next day, and they were going back to Berlin to the new home Ushi was so anxious to decorate, and Karl had to get back to the university.

It would keep Ushi happy while I am working. James and Violet won't be back in London yet anyway. He knew she would be staying with them. You will be too lonely there without them. He was always concerned about her, and they had both been marvelous during the whole trip. And she had to admit, she was tempted to go with them.

I really don't want to impose ' . She hesitated honestly, not to be coy, but they were so insistent that she return to Berlin with them for a week or two, that she relented. And when they left the next morning, they were all in high spirits. Venice had been beautiful, but Audrey was happy to leave it.

The train they took followed the same route as the train she had taken with Charlie years before, to join the Orient Express, but this time when the train reached Salzburg, instead of going east, they headed toward Munich, with a stop across the border in Rosenheim.

Ushi was sorry she hadn't had time to warn her family that they would be stopping in Munich for an hour. It wasn't enough time to go to her parents' house, but she thought she'd at least give them a call if it was a decent hour, or maybe even warn them from Rosenheim, if she could get a connection through the telegraph office there, and the three of them laughed as Molly slept on one of the velvet banquettes as they finally left Italy, crossed Austria, and approached Germany. They felt the train slow down as they ordered another bottle of champagne and some caviar, and they all noticed soldiers and uniformed officers on the platform outside, conferring with the conductor and various officials from the train. The conductor finally shrugged and waved them inside, as Ushi frowned and looked at Karl.

What do you suppose that's all about?

Some of the F++hrer's men, he said it derisively but in a soft voice. He hadn't thought much of Hitler from the first, and he didn't like his strident speeches about Aryans, but he knew enough to keep his political views to himself. Others at the university had had trouble the year before, and the Nazis seemed to be quick to label intellectuals Communists if they didn't share their Nazi views. So he kept quiet usually except with Ushi of course, and he had been pretty outspoken with Charlie and James in the South of France. But now he seemed very relaxed about it as the porter arrived with the caviar, and a soldier standing directly behind him.

Passports, please, the soldier said, looking disapprovingly at the luxuriously appointed living room of the compartment where they sat. Karl handed over all three, and the soldier glanced at the American one first. Amerikanisch? he asked Audrey with a terse smile.

Yes. She was embarrassed to be caught slathering caviar on a piece of toast when he asked, or did all Americans do that? She smiled at him, and the soldier glanced over at the sleeping child.

To whom belongs the little girl?

That's my daughter. Audrey was quick to speak up. She always carried copies of Mai Li's adoption papers with her, but there seemed to be no trouble about that. He handed the passport back to her with a curt nod, and quickly turned to the passports the Rosens had given him.

You do not have the same name. You are friends? His eyes were not warm, and Karl was quick to explain.

We are just returning from our wedding trip. We didn't have time to change our passports before we left. The soldier smiled as though pleased, but Audrey didn't like the way he looked at him.