Waiting for Him (Waiting Series Book 3) (5 page)

Chapter Seven

Jeff

     
It’s been almost three weeks since I moved out of our apartment and I miss Shelby every moment of every day. My injured male pride has prevented me from contacting her and I despise myself for how much I know I must be hurting her. I have so many things weighing heavily on my mind right now. Things that she doesn’t have any knowledge of and I know that she needs to be told. She betrayed me horribly when she slept with Garrett, but I too have done something unforgivable. It’s time for me to come clean about the hand I played in breaking her and Garrett apart all those years ago. She’ll probably never forgive me, but I need to unburden my conscience. For years, I convinced myself that it was in her best interest and that he would’ve broken her heart anyway. I now have the clear perspective I’ve been lacking to see that I was in the wrong. If I could go back and do it all over again, I’d like to say I would do things differently, but I’m not sure I would. How would I ever give up the last few years I’ve had with her? If that’s all I get, it’ll have to be enough to console me for the rest of my life because I can’t imagine loving another woman the way I love her.

      I’m standing in front of our apartment door trying to decide if I should knock or use my key to open the door. After debating with myself for a bit, I decide to stop being a coward and I unlock the door. As soon as I step inside, I’m greeted by the sight of Shelby dancing around the room while she does some dusting. She has music playing loudly and she has no idea that I’m standing here watching her…my eyes devouring her lithe form as she moves from place to place. I can smell the fresh, clean scent of laundry detergent so I know she’s in one of her cleaning moods. When Shelby has something bothering her or she’s upset she goes into what I tease her, is her O.C.D. cleaning mode. I’m sure with all that’s been going on with us this apartment is cleaner than it’s ever been.

      Her hips are gyrating hypnotically side to side and her shoulders shimmy back and forth as she sings a Justin Beiber song. She’s so fucking adorable it’s painful. It’s not until the song ends when I clap my hands applauding her performance, that she realizes I’m here. She spins around her brown eyes big and wide. All I want to do is pull her in my arms and never let her go. I’m such an ass for staying away this long. I smile at her as she puts her dust cloth down and bites nervously at her lip.

      “Hi,” she whispers with no hint of a smile on her face.

      “Hi, Shelby. How have you been?” I ask as if nothing’s wrong, which probably makes me an even bigger dick. I need to get us to the point where we can sit down and hash everything out. I need to bare my soul and beg her for forgiveness...forgiveness that I have no right to ask for.

      “I’m good.” She’s starting to appear less frazzled now. Her back is straighter and her eyes have their usual spark shining in them once again.

“What are you doing here, Jeff?’ She asks, raising her eyebrow at me. I guess I deserve that question after being M.I.A. for three weeks.

      “I’ve missed you, and I thought it was time that we sat down and talked everything out. I know that I left before you had a chance to really talk to me about everything, and I’m sorry for that. I was very hurt by what happened with you and Garrett.” I say his name with such distaste, it’s all I can do to even utter it. I hate him with a passion for the place he holds in her heart. It’s not easy knowing you’re sharing that space with someone else, but I love her enough to do it if she’ll still have me.

      “I haven’t heard from you in three weeks Jeff, I just assumed we were through.” Her eyes flash with anger at me and as much as it pains me to see, I’m happy that my little fighter is making an appearance.

      “I told you I needed some time to work everything out. I should’ve called you or come over, but I’ve had a lot on my mind. I didn’t want to speak with you until I had everything worked out in my head. Do you think that we could sit down and talk for a bit? I have some things that I need to tell you.”

      “Yeah, we can talk.” She walks over and plops herself down on the couch with enough force that she bounces up and down slightly. I smile at how adorable she is. She has her hair up in a messy bun on top of her head and not a stitch of makeup on. Her skin is fair and clear, making her look younger than she is. She has on black leggings, a gray Nirvana tee shirt with one of my plaid flannel shirts unbuttoned over it. I’m hoping the fact that she has on an article of my clothing is a good sign.

      “I’ve missed you so much since I moved out. Not a moment of any day or night has gone by where I wasn’t thinking about you. I’ve been working some things out in my mind, or I would have contacted you before now.” I pause for a moment, trying to organize my thoughts. There’s really no way you can properly prepare for a soul-baring conversation. It has to come from within and it has to be spontaneous.

      “I’ve missed you too, Jeff.” Our eyes lock and I physically react to her, like a punch to my gut because I love this woman so damn much. I just hope she can remember that after this conversation is over.

      “There’s something I’ve never told you…or anyone else for that matter. Something that I did that I’m ashamed of and sorry for. When you hear what I have to tell you, you aren’t going to want to speak with me ever again, but I hope you’ll keep in mind, at the time I thought I was doing the right thing.” She’s wearing a worried and confused expression that wars with her relaxed body language as she sits there, one leg tucked nonchalantly under her other.

      “I was the person that wrote Garrett the letter that threatened to report you guys if he continued to see you.” She gasps and covers her nose and mouth with both hands. To her credit, she remains silent and lets me continue.

      “I never would’ve reported you guys, I just made the threat and that was all it took. He ran off his tail between his legs, without confiding in you. I took that as a sign that he wasn’t good enough for you. He didn’t even put up a fight, Shelby.” She lowers her hands and now there are tears trailing slowly down her fair cheeks.

      “How could you? How could you, Jeff? You were my best friend. You knew how happy I was with him and that we were about to move in together. Why would you do that to me?”

      “Because I was in love with you,”
I shout out before regaining control of my emotions. “I’ve always been in love with you. Since the first moment I saw you, sophomore year, it’s always been you for me, Shelby. I really didn’t think writing that letter would make him leave. I thought it might make him paranoid and on edge, but when he left without even confiding in you, then I knew I had made the right choice. You deserve someone who’s going to fight for you and be there for you, no matter what.” She suddenly cuts me off.

      “Oh, like you’ve been here for me the past few weeks? I made a mistake and when I told you, you took off. I haven’t seen or heard from you, but that’s okay? And I’m pregnant with what could very likely be your son. Do you have no concern for his well-being either? I’m glad it was so easy for you to stay away while you worked out ‘your issues.’ While you’ve been working through things, I’ve been trying to hold it together. I had a doctor’s appointment that Garrett went to because you were nowhere to be found. If this is all too much for you Jeff, feel free to walk away. We’ll be fine. I know you, and I are through, I just thought that you’d, at least, be there for the baby.”

      “I want to be here, Shelby. I want to be here for both of you.” She shakes her head and crosses her arms over her chest.

      “I’m not sure what you mean Jeff. You need to lay your cards on the table now because there have been enough secrets between us, don’t you think?”

      “I want to move back in and I want our family to be together.”

      “What if this isn’t your baby? Have you given that possibility any consideration, because there’s a very distinct chance that this is Garrett’s child and not yours? If you find out that he’s not yours what’s that going to mean for our relationship?”

       I don’t even know how to answer that. The thought of the baby not being mine makes me want to hurl. Could I stay with Shelby and help her to raise another man’s child? I’d like to say yes, but I’m just not sure.
      “I don’t know how to answer that Shelby. I don’t know that I could raise another man’s child with you and watch you share that with someone else. I’m trying to be as upfront about this as I can, but I have no solid answer for you.”

      “That’s fine, but I think we need to leave things the way they are for the time being. I can’t have you moving back in, only to move back out if it’s not your baby. If you loved me like you should, this wouldn’t be that difficult of a decision for you. You’d want to be with us no matter who the biological father is. Your indecision just made what I need to do so much clearer. I’m sorry that I slept with Garrett, but you betrayed me four years ago when you toyed with my life. I tried to kill myself after that. Did you feel any remorse for that at all? What if I had died, Jeff? How would you even live with yourself? I think it’s time for you to leave. I’ll let you know when my next doctor’s appointment is and if you want to come with me, you’re certainly welcome. You and I are no more. You can come by and get the rest of your stuff whenever you want. Just let me know.”

      “Shelby, baby why are you doing this? I want to be with you.” He pleads.

      “No Jeff, you really don’t. You just don’t know how to admit that to yourself. If you love someone, there shouldn’t be conditions placed on it. By saying that you aren’t sure you want to be with me if the baby isn’t yours, that means that you love me when things are going the way you want. I love you if…that’s not really love at all Jeff. True love just is. It can’t be killed or lessened no matter what happens.” She slides off the diamond ring I gave her when I asked her to be my wife, and holds it out to me.

      “Here.” She says with tears shining in her eyes. I shake my head vehemently.

      “No, I bought that ring for you and it’s yours. I don’t want it back.”

      “Jeff, you paid a lot of money for this ring. Here, please take it.”

      “I’m done talking about this with you. The ring is yours. Hang on to it, you and I are not through no matter what you say. You’ll see.” I rise from where I’m seated on the sofa and lean down to kiss her gently on the lips.

      “I still love you Shelby, and I know you love me. Don’t count us out yet.”

Chapter Eight

Shelby

     
Wow, talk about having a bombshell dropped on me. I never in a million years would have thought that Jeff was behind the breakup of Garrett and I. It angers me so much to think about how he orchestrated the whole thing. I can make allowances for the fact that he was young, but he’s had four years to come clean with me and he hasn’t.
What the fuck?

      
Finding this out makes me question so many things in my life. I feel like everything is a lie. Who else is being dishonest to me? Is there anyone that actually has my best interests at heart, besides me?

      This right here is just another reminder that I can ultimately only count on myself. I don’t need or want a man in my life anymore. It’s going to be my little guy and me for a long time. Whoever is the biological father will be welcome to spend time with him, but there won’t be any happy little family unit…not at first...maybe never. If my track record is anything to go by, I have questionable taste in men. I won’t be one of those mothers that have a different boyfriend every six months. My son will not be meeting random men. If I ever get to the point that I feel strongly for someone again, I won’t introduce them to my little guy until I know they’re here for the long haul. Somehow, I doubt that will ever happen.

      When I look toward the future, I see a lifetime of being single stretching out in front of me and I’m okay with that. What I’m not okay with is a lifetime without sex, so I guess I’ll have to go back to my friends with benefits strategy. It worked well for me for a long time and I’m sure it can again, however, finding the right guy may not be so easy.

      The rest of the weekend passes by without any word from Jeff or Garrett, and there’s a part of me that feels relief at this. There’s also a part of me that is pissed that neither one of them have bothered to follow through on what they said. After Garrett being solicitous toward me on Friday, I thought for sure he’d, at least, drop me a text to see how I was doing. Jeff professed his undying love for me when he was here on Saturday, and yet I haven’t heard a peep from him. I’m so over men that say one thing and do another.
Who am I kidding? I’m just over men period.

      It’s now Monday morning and I’m sitting behind my desk waiting for the start of the school day. I came in early to finish up some work that I didn’t remember to bring home with me on Friday. When women talk about pregnancy brain, they aren’t joking. I swear my I.Q. has dropped like twenty-five points and I can’t remember shit. It’s extremely frustrating and I’ve had to take up list writing in order to make sure I stay current on everything that I need to do. I’m juggling so many balls in the air, it’s the only way I can make sure that I don’t drop any.

      “Knock, knock gorgeous,” Max says as he walks through the doorway. As he makes his way over to my desk, I take in the perfect fit of his black cargo pants and purple Izod shirt. He’s hot, there’s no doubt about it. I wish he weren't gay and he could be my friend with benefits. That would be so perfect. We could go shopping together and then come home and screw our brains out.
Yeah, not gonna happen.

      “Hey handsome. What brings you to this neck of the woods?” His classroom is a good distance from mine, so I usually don’t see him until lunch.

      “Ooh, I have some juicy gossip that I couldn’t wait to share with you. He raises his perfectly groomed, dark eyebrows up toward his hairline and makes his eyes wide.

      “Okay, lay it on me. I could use some good dirt on someone else to make me feel like my life isn’t so bad.” Max knows that Jeff moved out, but for obvious reasons I couldn’t tell him about Garrett.

      “Apparently, Melina and Headmaster Hanlon bumped uglies in the not so distant past.” My mouth literally falls open with shock and then my expression quickly turns to one of distaste. She’s such a shrew, I can’t believe he would let her sink her claws into him. Ugh, I shudder as a vision of her blood red fingernails raking his back appears in my mind. For all I know, he could’ve instigated the whole thing. Maybe they’re dating now?
Oh God, please don’t let them get serious if he’s my little man’s biological father. I cannot tolerate her being a stepmother
to my son.

      “Wow, the thought of anyone having sex with her is disturbing. I really wish you hadn’t told me this. Now every time I see Headmaster Hanlon, I’m going to think about them together.”
Gross.
 

      “Okay luvie, I will see you at lunch where we can discuss this latest development more.” He blows me a kiss as he turns to walk away.

      “No
,” I shout out. “I have to eat my lunch and if we talk about it, it will legitimately make me want to barf. My obstetrician said I need to gain some weight, so please, no more discussing this today. No conversations involving Melina in general, okay?” He smiles and gives me a thumbs up.

      “No problem luvie, see you at lunch.”

      “Bye,” I yell as he’s already out the door. Wow, I’m shocked and disgusted that Garrett slept with her, but I guess he has to get it from somewhere. I just wish he wouldn’t have gone near Ursula, the sea witch. She’s not a nice person and now she’s going to make his life hell. If he doesn’t regret it already, I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before he does. Oh well, it’s not my problem.
Then why does it bother me so much?

***

     
I’m sitting in the breakroom, cutting up my lunch when Max sits down beside me. He flashes me his whiter than white grin as I aimlessly drizzle ranch dressing on top of my chef salad. I feel as though I’ve been zapped of all energy, and I’m hoping that eating this will help me to feel more human again. I don’t know if I’m just run down because of all the stress of this past weekend or if this has something to do with Garrett sleeping with Melina. I’m trying not to think about it, but let’s be honest, that’s easier said than done. I hate that he had sex with her of all people. She’s a grown up version of all the mean girls that I went to high school with. Unfortunately, some people never evolve and mature with time. Some just stay as they are, remaining locked in a stagnant void of bitterness and ugliness. They spread their misery all around them and even if you’re like me and you try to avoid them and their drama, they will still fuck with you. No one is safe from their barbs and pointed looks.

      “Hey, I need to get some looser clothes. Do you have time to go shopping with me this week?” I make an effort to take my mind off of all the negativity and focus on the things I need to get done. All of my clothes are starting to get overly snug and I’m not going to squish my little guy with too tight pants.

      “I can go after work on Wednesday if that works for you? Where are we going shopping? Are we going to a,” he leans over and whispers “maternity store,” in my ear? I look over at him and shake my head. I haven’t told anyone else at work that I’m pregnant and since my bump is so small, no one can tell.

      “I think I’ll just buy some leggings, blousy tops, and sweaters for now. I’m not going to advertise that I’m”…I let the sentence trail off because I don’t even want to say the word. This room is filled with gossip hounds and I’m not going to give them any fuel for their fire. As it is, Melina and her crew are sitting across from us. If that view’s not enough to make a person lose their appetite, I don’t know what will.

      “Let’s go to the mall and we can shop until we drop. I’ll even buy you dinner, but just so you know, I never put out on a first date.” I snort out loud at his reply drawing attention to myself from the mean girls gang, across the way. Melina rolls her eyes at me, before shrilly droning on about whatever drivel it is that catty bitches talk about.

      “Max, you have no idea how much I wish you liked vagina. We would have the perfect relationship if you did.” He barks out a laugh and leans over to whisper in my ear.

      “It’s dicks only for me luvie.” He waggles his eyebrows before taking a bite of his sandwich. I giggle and continue to chip away at my large salad. My appetite is non-existent, but I know I need to force myself to eat for my little guy. I really need to choose a name for him soon. Should I pick one myself or do I invite the guys over for a “name the baby party”? I’m not sure what the proper protocol is in a situation such as ours.

***

      Wednesday afternoon finds Max and me at a local mall where we’re shopping for clothes that fit loosely and give me some room to expand without making me look noticeably pregnant. That’s a lot of criteria to meet, but so far we’ve found some great things. Max has an incredible eye for fashion and I’ve always loved to shop. Over the past few years, I’ve become less of a clothes horse and brand name snob, but I still enjoy the process.

      “I need to get new underwear and bras too. My boobs are about to bust out of my old ones.” Max grabs my hand and tugs me along with him as he speedily walks through the crowd of shoppers.

      “Where’s the fire?” I pant out as I do a slow jog along beside him in order to keep up.

      “You mentioned undergarments which means lacy, frilly things. I love all that stuff. Plus, I want to see you in some sexy stuff. I may be gay, but I can appreciate the female form. Let’s go visit my friend Victoria,” he says as he pulls me in the store. We browse for a few minutes and I find a few utilitarian bras and panties that will work. It’s not like anyone’s going to be seeing them on me anyway. Max glances at the items I’m holding in my hands and he takes them from me.

      “Give me those granny panties. Jeezus, you cannot wear this stuff, even if you get big as a house. I forbid it. You need to wear something sexy so you can still feel beautiful luvie. Let’s find you some sizzling stuff.” I roll my eyes at him, but I go along with his plan. It seems easier than arguing and I’ve always liked sexy undergarments. Why should it be any different now that I’m pregnant? Max grabs things at warp speed and then thrusts them into my chest.

      “Go try these on. I want to see your sexy ass in them too.” I snort and shake my head at him.

      “You may regret saying that,” I tell him as I walk away.

      I head into one of the changing rooms and slide the curtain over as far as it will go. I hate rooms that don’t have doors, especially when you’re trying on undergarments. There’s always a crack that I swear people can peek through. I strip down until I’m naked from the waist up and I try on the first bra. It’s black satin with a soft lacy border along the edge of the cups. The underwire pushes my breasts up indecently and gives me unbelievable cleavage
. Damn, where did these boobs come from?
As I stare at myself in the mirror, it’s difficult to believe that I’m looking at my own reflection. I know that pregnancy makes women have larger breasts, but I swear that mine have doubled in size in the past month. I’m now wearing a D cup. I’m normally a C. On my petite frame, this makes a noticeable difference. I look at my stomach and how it’s gently curved outward and I smile knowing that I’ll be holding my son in my arms before I know it.

      My musings are interrupted by Max as he rips the curtain open without warning. I reflexively cross my arms over my chest.

      “
Max.
What the hell? A little warning would have been nice.” He steps in next to me and pulls the curtain closed once again. He stares at my breasts without saying a word making me feel uncomfortable.

      “Jeezus, your tits are so hot. They even make me want to fuck them.” I burst out laughing and slap him on his arm.

      “Max, that was way beyond inappropriate. However, I appreciate the compliment. I’m feeling anything but sexy at this point so I’ll take what I can get.”

      “Try the rest of this stuff on and then I’m going to feed you.”