Vengeful Shadows (13 page)

“Finally,” Cat said, bringing Tessa back to the present. “Annie had to leave, and I was getting ready to call out the Mounties to look for you. Do you not answer text messages anymore or what?”

“I’m sorry. I should have called. It’s been a really long day.”

“I hope the reason you’re late involves a certain gorgeous neighbor.”

Tessa sighed. She wasn’t about to mention the notes. She didn’t want to worry Cat over what would likely turn out to be nothing. Besides, Cat had already gone through so much with her already. She didn’t need to add any more Tessa-trauma to her life. Once a decade was plenty.

“Just work stuff.” Guilt swamped her at her deceit. Cat, Zander…who wasn’t she lying to? Though she tried to relax, she ended up scanning the restaurant for familiar faces.

Cat sniffed the air. “I smell something burning. Oh look, it’s your pants.”

Tessa laughed in spite of herself.

“You’ve always been a terrible liar, and obviously, you haven’t improved. What’s going on?”

How was she supposed to explain this? She still couldn’t believe what had almost happened last night with Zander. What would’ve have happened if she hadn’t freaked out. She wasn’t sure what horrified her more—the fact that she’d almost had sex with him or the fact that she’d thrown him out.
The first normal, sexual response I have in years and I tell him to leave.

Heat flooded Tessa at the memory of him moving beneath her then she remembered the confusion and concern in his eyes. Unforgiving reality chased the warmth away. How could she have done that to him? He probably wouldn’t speak to her again. Or worse, he’d talk to her as if she were a head trauma victim.

Her friend opened her mouth again. “C’mon ’fess up about what’s really going on between the two of you.”

“Nothing.” Her voice broke, and she swallowed back the tears that threatened. She blinked against the burning sensation. She didn’t want to know what he thought of her now. Of course, she’d likely already know if she would have returned his calls instead of avoiding him like a coward. She’d bet the fake relationship was off.

Cat pounced. “Tell me everything.”

Tessa contemplated her options. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to tell Cat, but she couldn’t get her thoughts straight in her own head. How was she supposed to explain it to someone else?

“Well…” she began and drifted off.

Her friend arched a single golden brow. “Am I going to find an overnight visitor when I come over for our Wednesday morning workout?”

“Oh please.” Tessa sighed. “There really isn’t anything to tell.”

“Hel-lo! I saw the way he watched you the other night. He wants you. Badly. How can there not be anything to tell? What is the matter with you? He’s hot!”

She raised her eyebrows at her friend. “Oh really?”

“Well, he’s got that whole having-a-penis-thing against him and he loses points for that, but still, I know hetero yum-a-licious when I see it.”

Tessa tried to smile and shook her head. “Better be careful, or I’ll tell Susan you’re considering switching sides.” That’s what she tried to say, anyway. She wasn’t sure if that’s what Cat heard. By the time Tessa had finished her sentence, she’d lost the battle against the tears she’d been fighting.

“Tess, honey, what is it?” Compassion laced with steel edged Cat’s voice. “Did he hurt you? If he hurt you, I’m going to kick his ass myself.”

“No,” Tessa choked out. “It’s not him. It’s me. I’m an idiot.” She laid her head against the back of the booth. More tears rushed down her cheeks.

“Honey, honey. What’s the matter?” Cat leaned across the small table and clasped Tessa’s hands.

“We almost had sex last night,” she whispered.

“Okay.” Cat waited. “Clearly, I’m not seeing the bad in all this.”

Tessa sniffled and swiped at her eyes. “I freaked and threw him out.”

“Oh.” The expression on Cat’s face was pure sympathy. “What happened?”

“He made me feel…I don’t know. He made me feel things I haven’t felt since …before…” She raised her head and stared into her friend’s sky blue eyes. “I lost control with him.”

She still couldn’t quite believe it had happened. She simply didn’t do that. It wasn’t that she didn’t get fulfillment from sex, but she got it on her terms. When she was ready and not before. Vulnerable didn’t even come close to describing what she was feeling.

Cat held her gaze. “You know, Tess, that might not be such a bad thing.” Tessa opened her mouth, but Cat continued. “
He
took so much from you, especially your ability to trust. Maybe, Zander can help you find it again.”

“I don’t think that’s anything I need to worry about. He won’t be talking to me after last night.” Tessa wiped her cheeks with her hand. A wave of fresh pain sliced at her. She liked Zander. Liked him a lot. More than was safe since they were just friends. If they were even that anymore.

“How do you feel about him?” Cat asked.

“It doesn’t matter. None of this is real.”

Cat crossed her arms and leveled a pointed stare at her. “Part of it must be. If it weren’t, you wouldn’t be tied in knots over this. Part of you cares for him and trusts him enough to let yourself go.”

Tessa felt like a jumper who needed to be talked down from a ledge. “You’re forgetting one very important thing, Cat.”

“And that is?”

“He doesn’t want a relationship. I don’t want a relationship. Besides, he’s probably going to turn tail and run in the opposite direction next time he sees me.”

“All this negativity is bad for you,” Cat admonished.

“It’s not negativity. It’s just the truth.” More than anything, she wished the truth could be different.

That thought had followed her home as she tiptoed up the stairs at midnight. She didn’t want to wake Mrs. Bartz. Or Zander. He’d left a couple more voicemails on her cell phone during the evening and she hadn’t returned any of them.

Tessa reached the landing and stopped dead in her tracks. The streetlight shone through the window, highlighting the note taped to her door.

Tessa’s breath caught in her throat, and she quickly scanned the landing and hallway. Empty. She forced herself to move forward. With a trembling hand, she lifted the message from the door. The ragged edges of the paper looked as if the sheet had been torn from a notebook. That in itself was unusual. Maybe, he’d run out of manila envelopes.

She unfolded the note, and relief trickled over her. Zander. He wanted her to call him as soon as she got home. Well, that wouldn’t happen tonight. It was past midnight.

As far as excuses went, it was pretty flimsy. His living room and bedroom lights had been on when she got home. She’d even seen his shadow move past the window. He was definitely awake. Was he waiting up for her? As quietly as possible, she unlocked her door and slipped inside.

Chapter Eight

Zander checked his watch. One o’clock in the morning. Where the hell was she? He tossed down the exam he’d been trying to grade and rubbed his eyes. Everything had been going so well last night then
bam!
The look in her eyes had torn at his gut since he’d left her last night. He looked out the window and spotted her car parked right behind his She’d made it home. Relief shot through him. He opened his front door and peered out into the hallway. His note was gone.

He’d worried about her all day. She hadn’t returned any of his calls. Now, it seemed she wouldn’t answer his message either. He considered storming over to her place and demanding answers, but he knew how far he’d get with a confrontation. Instead, he gave up and got ready for bed.

Zander lay down, but he didn’t expect to sleep. Questions about Tessa churned through his mind, troubling him. He fingered the scratches on his chest. She’d clawed at him when she’d shoved him away. He was almost sure she had no idea she’d done it. What the hell had happened? Why had she’d asked him to leave? Sure, he’d been disappointed that they hadn’t finished but why had she stopped it? That was the real question.

He would’ve sworn she was on board with their encounter. Her hot, teasing words, the way she stripped off their clothes—hell, he didn’t think he had any buttons left on his shirt. She’d touched him so eagerly. So confidently. There had been nothing naïve or tentative in her response to him.

Her contradictions surprised him. He’d expected passion but not unbridled, sexual aggressiveness. She’d met his efforts with her own, as though she had something to prove. He wanted to know what other surprises his angel hid beneath her innocent exterior.

In daily life, she was a mixture of reticent and demonstrative. But sexually, she was compelling, resolute and completely in charge. She’d refused to let him take the lead. He wasn’t complaining, but discontent nagged at him anyway. It was similar to putting together a complicated jigsaw puzzle only to discover the last three pieces were missing.

It was as if he’d scared her somehow. Or something had. Most women didn’t respond to an orgasm with fear. She’d come. He was sure of that. He’d felt her release, felt the shudders rack her body, but it hadn’t been enough.

He wasn’t even sure her pleasure had had all that much to do with him. He had the right equipment, and he was available. But he was beginning to doubt it went any deeper than that. The realization stung, then burned, when he recognized that he wanted more from her.

He lay there actually considering the possibility of love. Worse, he suspected he’d been considering it for longer than he’d realized. Scrubbing his hand across his face, he sighed in frustration. The scent of her skin still lingered on his fingers. Tessa had blindsided him. He hadn’t planned on falling in love with her. Hell, he hadn’t planned on falling in love with anyone. Ever. He wasn’t even sure this
was
love, but he knew he wanted a hell of a lot more from her than he was getting.

It wasn’t just the sex he was interested in. Oh, he wanted that too, but he wanted her to stop hiding from him. He wanted her honesty. Her trust. He wanted too much. Shifting in his too-empty bed, he dragged the pillow over his head.

No. This thing with Tessa wasn’t love. He was sure of that. It was just that he’d wanted her for so long and they’d been friends before becoming intimate. He’d never had a strictly platonic relationship that had evolved to this place. He almost laughed aloud. The truth was he’d never had a real friendship with any woman. Adding sex, or at least near sex, to the mix had to be the source of his confusion. It was the only thing that made any sense.

For a moment, he could almost hear Julia’s laughter when she’d told him someday love would hit him out of the blue. She’d said she wanted to be there to see his happily ever after. The memory of his brother’s grief-etched face smothered Julia’s laughter. Happily ever afters never lasted as long as they ought to.

* * * *

By the time Zander woke the next morning, Tessa had left. At this point, he planned on going to the awards banquet alone—if he went at all. He was more interested in discovering how to fix this rift with Tessa than in playing university politics.

He rolled over and squinted at the clock. He should have been finished with his run and out of the shower already. So much for his morning workout.

The shrill ring of his phone dragged him from his recriminations. He fumbled for the receiver on the bedside table. “Hello?”

“You sound tired. Did I interrupt anything good?”

“Go to hell, Aidan.”

“And a good morning to you too, mate.”

Zander yawned. “What’s up?”

“I’m going to be out again today. Can you ask Kayla if she can monitor my eleven o’clock exam?”

“Yeah. If she can’t, I’ll see if one of the other student workers can do it.” He didn’t know what they’d do when she graduated. He and Aidan were both convinced she was the only reason they both managed to stay somewhat organized.

“Great—thanks.” After a pause, Aidan added, “I also wanted to make sure Tessa was okay. I feel terrible about what happened. I really didn’t mean to frighten her.”

Zander would bet this had been eating at Aidan since it had happened. “She knows you didn’t. Honestly, I think she was more worried about you.”

Aidan laughed. “Doesn’t that just figure? She gets scared half to death, and she’s worried about the person who frightened her.”

Zander practically heard his friend shaking his head.

“I’m not sure how you ended up with someone like her,” Aidan continued. “But she’s a good one. Don’t foul it up.”

Zander grimaced. As much as he might want their relationship to be real, Tessa certainly didn’t.

“Have you forgotten this is just for show?” he asked.

“Well, the bit on the balcony wasn’t a public performance, now was it?”

He still wasn’t sure what that was. She’d gone from terrified to provocative in the blink of an eye. “Do you have a point?” he asked.

“Yeah. Women like Tessa don’t come along every day.”

A fact Zander was painfully aware of.

Aidan cleared his throat. “Don’t do something you’ll regret for the rest of your life.”

“Is this the voice of experience talking?” Zander asked, intrigued. He knew his friend had been married several years ago, but he strenuously avoided discussing his ex-wife.

“This is the voice of your friend telling you not to be an arsehole.”

* * * *

Like the coward she was, Tessa had left early for work. Again. She’d see Zander tonight and by then hopefully, he would have forgotten all about her erratic behavior.

Okay. Now, she was bordering on delusional. He wasn’t going to forget about it. He’d probably want to turn her into a case study.

Entering her office at the shelter, Tessa stripped off her coat and hung it on the hook behind the door. Water dripped rhythmically to the floor from her umbrella, sounding almost eerie in the too quiet building.

The residents were likely still sleeping, and she was one of the few staff members here. Maybe, leaving her house early would have another benefit besides avoiding Zander. She might be able to get caught up on her email and her filing.