Vampire Taxonomy (8 page)

An easy way to identify vampires who are up to no good is by locating and analyzing the limbs of a vampire. Unique to many types of
Hemophage sceleratus
are distorted clawlike talons that have developed into hunter’s tools, perfect for shredding flesh. With one swoop of his extended claw, Jerry Dandrige from
Fright Night
tore through a bouncer’s neck in seconds. The claws can be used offensively, defensively, and during feedings. The nails of a vampire claw are razor sharp, so remember to freeze and act with caution should you find a vampire hand creeping up your leg. Any sudden movements, jerks, or twitches could mean one less appendage.

As far as looks go, think of a twitching corpse hand, where the nails have had ample time to grow. The skin will look cracked with a yellow or green discoloration and appear stretched over pulsing veins and strangely large knuckles as if twisted over the bones. Each digit will be extended far beyond a normal length, and it seems there really is no limit as to how long a vampire digit can grow. The fingernails will be exceedingly long, cracked, and not particularly clean.

And finally, bear in mind that some breeds of evil vamps do not need to be sitting next to you in order to paw all over your precious flesh. Nosferatu hands are known for their seemingly impossible ability to reach for objects across the room. Even the shadows of their appendages can wake you from your slumber with a cold clammy shiver running through your body.

The eyes of
Hemophage sceleratus
are rarely used in the same manner as those of other vampires. In fact, most of the eye color conversions in Villainous Vampires either happen upon turning and stay that way, or occur only when their adrenaline is raised.

The most popular eye color changes within the evil realm are the blackout (when the eye turns totally black), yellow fever (when the iris of the eye changes to a yellow hue during an adrenaline rush), and the common bloodred eye, which can indicate either an increase in adrenaline or a serious blood craving. A general rule of thumb for Villains is that any eye flash, big or small, should be taken as a warning sign. Exit the premises immediately and head toward a safe location at the first twinge of optical discoloration.

Of all fanged beasties, the Villain has by far the most varied selection of dentition. The range and mutation of the evil vampiric incisor is a delightful collection of variety and shape for any fangophile.

The evolution of the Villainous mouth is most fascinating. Max Schreck’s Nosferatu and the miniseries
Salem’s Lot
’s Kurt Barlow had incisors situated right in the forefront of the mouth, making conversation impossible. Nowadays most vampire canines have crept to the sides of the jaw, making verbal communication and venturing out into the world much easier. Still, if the vampire has no need for such frivolities as friendships, then there’s a good chance he’s still sporting the front-of-the-mouth fang look.

Earlier, we discussed the embarrassing incident that may occur from time to time called the fang slip. Villains rarely experience this sort of occurrence, and they are hardly embarrassed by the occurrence if they do. The pearly whites are a proud part of the evil vamp’s life (no matter how mangled). If they’re turned on by the sight of flesh and want to spend an evening sucking on your neck or making you their puppet, so be it. If the teeth come out, the teeth come out; a
Hemophage sceleratus
will expose his canines whenever he sees fit. These particular vampires are way more about the bloodlust than getting you naked, though that doesn’t mean they don’t delight in the pleasures of the human flesh now and again, nor does it mean they don’t commonly pick out the most handsome neck to nibble on. But it’s normally a feeding-first mind-set, pleasure later (even when they’re engaged in both acts at the same time).

An interesting pop culture take (possibly the most challenging to the media’s perceptions of vampires) is the evolution of the fang to a more gruesome level made popular by film director and writer Guillermo del Toro. His examination of vampiric evolution has opened the world’s eyes to possible futuristic mutations of the vampire species. His early work on
Blade II
demonstrated that vampires could possibly mutate further into even more vigorous hunters with chins that could snap open like a Venus Flytrap. His efforts should be applauded for continuing to remind society that this creature is not stagnant. It will continue to change and adapt and become more ferocious and capable throughout each century. Del Toro continued on with these mutated viral vampires in his work on the book series
The Strain
. The first novel truly ups the gore and shock value, introducing vampires that use stingers to inject their prey with paralyzing venom while sucking on their blood and defecating all at once, and that’s not even the truly disturbing moments.
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The range of personalities within this genre opens the door to a large variety of habitats. The most prevalent evil vampire habitats of today range from the highly secure and very expensive apartments, condos, or mansions all the way down to run-down homes in the middle of nowhere. Plenty of vampires have even been known to sleep in the dirt should there be issues on the homestead.

But overall the most important thing for
Hemophage sceleratus
’s home is that it is secure and left undisturbed. This particular vampire’s constant need to feed on the living will always cause a bit of speculation to permeate through their neighborhood, so when they retreat back to their dwelling, it’s important that they know it’s safe. Even an abandoned building in the desert is secure if no one knows it exists.

Vampires up to no good are usually the most skilled in the art of mind control. Chalk it up to the “if you don’t use it you’ll lose it” theory, but this classification has serious abilities when it comes to mind control.

Perhaps the most iconic example of the Villainous Vampire’s ability to enthrall a victim is Count Dracula, demonstrated by the portrayals of Christopher Lee, Béla Lugosi, Frank Langella, and Gary Oldman (and many more). With a mere glance they can have you arching your jugular in their general direction. The count barely needed to speak a word; his powerful grasp over your mere mortal brain could have you under his spell and opening up your blouse in no time. If Superman can become transfixed by a Dracula-type beast, what chance do we humans have?
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Also in the running for best mind seducer is the long-haired ceiling vamp from Wes Craven’s
Dracula 2000
. All he needed to do was waltz by a pack of females and they were immediately rubbing their necks in anticipation.

This is the kind of thrall that turns you into either a one-note, yes-man henchmen for the boss (see the section on lackeys earlier in the chapter) or a silent and awestruck helpless victim. There’s little leeway; the Villain’s notorious mind control is so strong, he either stuns his victims or leaves them a little off in the head. Although you may have seen images of victims submitting to Big Bad nosferatu with wicked smiles on their faces, remember that the media tends to romanticize even the most Villainous Vampires; true, Christopher Lee often held and caressed the faces of his female victims, but remember, within moments the beautiful woman would be a lifeless heap on the floor. This particular vampire is all about the kill.

Sometimes bad vampires like to screw with humans just for the fun of it. Vampires who trick mortals are common among the evil vamps and always end up making us meat sacks look foolish. For example, they can ruin a perfectly good meal by tricking you into thinking you’re munching on maggots.
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And if mere practical jokes aren’t enough, they may even “push” your brain hard enough with their mental thrall and send you down the path to a mean bug-eating addiction. Just ask poor Renfield. Even the
Buffy
the Vampire Slayer
series featured a recurring vampire named Mister Trick who organized a little game called SlayerFest ’98—a nod to the never-ending pranks humans will have to endure at the clawed hands of vampires, perhaps?

The trickery can go dark really quick as well; remember the hilarious urinal prank pulled on foolish reporter Richard Dees? Sure, witnessing a vampire in mid-blood-relief in the mirror was a jarring and funny mind job from the vampire Dwight Renfield, but minutes later Dees was playing patsy for all the vicious murders this vampire had committed.
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If you’re strong enough in will and spirit, you can rebuff vampire tomfoolery Anita Blake-style,
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but be warned, sometimes revealing a hidden mental talent can attract more unwanted vampiric attention (see Chapter 2, “Romantic Vampires”).
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Unfortunately the evil vampire suffers from the worst case of one-liner monologue syndrome we’ve ever heard. If you think this sort of behavior doesn’t happen in the real world, you’d be sadly mistaken. There are far too many pop culture examples to totally dismiss the idea that these vampires will stop at nothing to say something eye-roll worthy. Bad puns, cheeky prose—nothing is off-limits to a bad vampire looking for a laugh. Our personal favorite terrible vampire line of all time: “You haven’t lived until you’ve gotten head from a vampire.”
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If you manage to attract a Villain’s attention, you’re pretty much out of luck. This type of vampire is always best handled by professional slayers. If you’re unfortunate enough to fall folly to the vampire’s mind control charms, foolishly neglect our advice and end up rooting around an abandoned Six Flags in the middle of the night, or just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, there’s very little you can do to defend yourself from the Big Bad. This would be the only case where I would suggest using the old rumor mill defense systems such as the cross, garlic, or holy water. Many vampires around have been able to evolve past these weaknesses, but you may get lucky with an old-time vampire that is still stuck in the Dark Ages and hasn’t upgraded to survive in modern society.

Treat this kind of vampire attack the same way you’d deal with a street assault. Scream for help and look for a safe place. Aim for well-lit, crowded areas. You’ve got a higher chance of survival if you can convince a hungry vampire that you aren’t worth the trouble of creating a scene.

Take note, should you find yourself about to do battle with a Villainous Vampire, let go of any attachment you may have to the garments you’re wearing because they’re going to get destroyed. This species exits its unholy existence by releasing ash, pus, goo, bile, or a fountain of blood in your direction.

One final word of advice: If you’re on a rescue mission to get a friend away from a nefarious vampire, chances are he’s already been turned and you don’t know it. He’s just waiting for you to try to save him; then at the last minute he plans to bite you and screw up the rest of your life in the process. Rescue missions are a fool’s dream. Vamps don’t take prisoners; they feed and kill or feed and turn. Remember that when you’re about to leave after a long night of fighting and your former friend bites you in the arm the second you think the coast is clear.
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