Vampire Taxonomy (6 page)

Remember, just about everything is a scam to get you to be their new love slave or companion. The things you may consider advantageous upon a new encounter will later come back to bite you in the rear. Imagine having a companion who can track your every desire, even when you don’t want him to—
annoying
is hardly the word when you’re deflecting a full-blown jealousy attack for merely blushing at a stranger’s compliment.

Like humans, vampires are capable of emitting a smell that will attract and allure others to their side. Should you get a nose full of undead Romantic Vamp pheromones, remain calm; step away and take deep breaths. By all means, resist the urge to dance with the pale creature giving you bedroom eyes from across that room. Dancing with Romantic Vampires is the ultimate act of seductive intimacy, yet they never seem to take into consideration their desired conquest’s feelings on the matter. The pursuer will delight in making you his musical puppet, picking you up and twirling you around, or, worse, busting out a full-fledged choreographed dance-off in the middle of your high school prom. In fact, should you know there is a vampire after you, it’s best to avoid any sort of location where dancing will take place unless you want to become the unwilling pawn in a synchronized disco dance-off. There are multiple documentations of this happening, and it never looks as good as you think it does from the outside.
³⁰

It’s with good self-awareness that
Buffy
’s Angel claims he “doesn’t dance,” as nine out of ten vampires fail at the act, and the exceptions end up looking like blood-covered fools gyrating to Pump Panel Reconstruction’s “Confusion” (or as it’s better known, the bloodbath club scene from
Blade
).

On the flip side, you should never watch a vampire dance, as it involves a deadly combination of vampiric pheromone release, eye contact, and subtle mind control. Should a vampire begin to dance in front of you, look away or else you’ll be a helpless lapdog lover to a vampire looking for some extra attention or perhaps a snack. Female vampires, both Villainous and good natured, are notorious for the intoxicating dance of seduction.
³¹

The ability to control or read a mortal’s thoughts varies from vampire to vampire. But with amorous vampires specifically, you won’t be witnessing a Hammer Films display of mind control. In fact most Romantics are loath to use the forceful mind freeze over a person because there’s no thrill in it. The real issue with
Hemophage romanorum
’s mind-control powers comes when dealing with a human’s enhanced connections to telekinesis.

A person’s ability to read the thoughts of others or to block outsiders from reading his mind is a hot draw for Romantic Vampires. Vampires looking for a mate often tire of the basic human mind, and searching for something new can take centuries. When a member of the undead happens upon someone with the power to read or block minds, there can be an immediate attraction.
³²

It would seem that Romantic Vampires aren’t so worried about possessing the mind of a human; rather they are more attracted to those unique minds that can challenge their lives or alter their experiences with the human world. Also, charming vamps on the lookout for affection hardly need to tap into mind control when they have so many other assets going for them.

If for whatever reason you find yourself joined in mind with a Romantic Vampire, expect it to be a very invasive experience. These types of vamps hold a lot of pride in their chosen alternative lifestyle and overall restraint while consorting so closely with humans. If you present a challenge to them, especially in a matching of wits, they will not stop until they’re satisfied. Exceptional differences such as telekinesis will draw out a lot of curious vamps looking for a new thrill.

Some specific breeds of the Romantics do possess the ability to shape-shift. Anytime you see a young lady dancing in a cloud of mist, chances are the mist is a Romantic Vampire in gaseous form. Seven out of ten reports of a wolf “miraculously escaping the zoo” are actually careless Romantic Vamps who let themselves be seen trotting through city streets still in animal form.

The Romantic will change form only in a manner that aids in seduction. If it’s a fanged and winged rat attacking your hair, or a mass of insects scuttling about on the floor, you’re not dealing with a Romantic Vamp.

Even with all their overly passionate flaws, Romantic Vampires love with all of their being. If they don’t become borderline obsessive, there’s a chance for a true and long relationship, provided they never lash out and eat you for lunch. But if they did, it’s certain they’d feel awful about it the next day.

If you are chosen to be a Romantic Vampire’s companion, you’ll be approached with one thought and one thought only in mind: How can he have you immediately?

What the definition of
have
is remains to be seen. You could be getting seduced by a three-way happy vampire who needs your sexin’ to survive,
³³
or you could be romanced by a vampire who has soulmated with you and is ready to spend the rest of eternity together.
³⁴
Either way, nobody is getting out of this conversation without stepping into a big pile of vampire intensity.

If you are singled out by a Romantic Vampire seeking sexual or spiritual sacrifice, the best way to stave off these advances is to feign or just show indifference. Politely ignoring their advances is the best way to exit out of a vampire meet-and-greet when he’s launched into a long, passion-filled exposé about his feelings.

Warning: Do not say you are with another vampire, as this will only make things much worse. Jealousy is like gasoline on a fire to Romantic Vampires. Don’t play the jealousy card unless you have the goods to back it up. Even then, it’s usually not worth it.

If the honest approach doesn’t work, feigning or showing annoyance is the best way to leave unscarred. Turn the emotional tables on them, talk about your feelings, rant; these vampires are anything if not polite and hate to have inconvenienced you. Additionally, appearing whiny and self-absorbed knocks you off the perfection pedestal they’re trying to put you on; Romantic Vampires like to think they’re attracted only to the cream of the crop, not a garden-variety human.

If this tactic also fails, determine whether he is a daylight-sensitive vampire (see page 25) and keep the sunshine on your side, never meeting at night. You can kill most Romantic Vampires with a stake in the heart or decapitation, but this is a close-range attack method. It is in your best interest never to get super close to any vamp whom you deem a possible bite threat.

Crucifixes, holy water, and garlic are wholly unreliable and hard to depend on; it’s best to avoid a terrible scene and not take the risk of brandishing a worthless method of defense.

Known examples of the Romantic Vampire fall into a variety of subcategories. These include the following:

They may be cute, but when they meet someone they like, it’s all over. These vampires maintain a balancing act of stalker, monster, and devoted lover. Don’t get involved unless you’re ready to practically sign away your entire life. However, what this type lacks in independence, they make up for in the undead sack. No matter how you slice it, this vampire, once you get the chastity belt of morals out of the way, is undead dynamite in bed.

This particular vampire is more in love with the idea of a relationship and enjoys the contact high from the new lover more than the person herself. Don’t tether your heart to one of these vamps; they will leave you the second they become bored or think you rely on them. These lotharios, though good for a little fun, have little concern with mortal issues, so you may end up sacrificing a lot of your personal time thanks to one of their many mood-swingy ideas. Just remember: If you get swept up in the idea of journeying to Venice with your new vampire squeeze, make sure he doesn’t leave you there for another at the end of the night.

This troubled vampire soul usually comes from a rough past, which means lots of weighty issues for the two of you to work out together. Don’t worry; they usually do their best thinking on their backs. Still, this breed of Romantic is loyal but troubled. You’ll spend days trying to crack their hard outer shell after sifting through all the terrible things they’ve done in the past. This type of unruly love usually stems from deep passion and can awaken a whole lotta beast from your love that they thought they had buried years ago.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be loved, unless that’s all you’re in a relationship for. There’s a whole branch of Romantic Vampires simply moping about looking for someone to fill the gaping void in their life brought on by murder, sadness, and self-hatred. These vampires can also get exceedingly clingy but are still good for a romp. They’re more interested in finding a mortal soul savior who can help them forgive themselves rather than a mate.

The real deal. Love, trust, and understanding comes with these vampires. They may be a bit broken or rough around the edges, but their heart is always in the right place, even if their fangs may not be. Sadly, this is the rarest type of Romantic Vampire.