Vampire Taxonomy (5 page)

Romantic Vamps are meticulously groomed. Expect their eyebrows to be plucked, faces washed, nails cleaned, and lips pursed (as well as questionably glossy), and the subject to be expertly accessorized. Call it a necessity of evolution or merely another way to lure in unsuspecting prey, but vampires in the Romantic category are devoted to the ever-changing tides of fashion and love to primp themselves with the best of threads and trinkets.

The vampire fervor for fashion is so well known that many corporations have shelled out the big bucks to capture that immortal demographic.
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Attire can be a key facet in identifying a suspected vampire on the hunt for another love victim. You won’t see a Romantic Vamp traipsing around late-night haunts in a woolly “Cosby” sweater or last season’s corduroy jacket. Poor attire draws negative attention from both the public and, more important, a desired mate. A fashion faux pas can become a telltale sign that this being is not of the here and now, and if so, the vamp will ditch it. No matter how sentimental the clothing item might be, survival comes first.
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Rest assured that Romantic Vampires, fictional or not, will stow away such goods for safekeeping or the second coming (waste not, want not).

True Romantic Vamps naturally look like they belong among the upper echelon of any society without lifting even a well-manicured finger. Their look appears, above all things, classic yet modern. They seem to have stepped out of the pages of a fashion magazine with an effortless and beautiful leap.

That being said, do be wary when dealing with a supposed immortal who’s still sporting a “Frankie Say Relax” shirt, because you most likely have a poser or a misguided Villain on your hands. Either way, get out of the situation immediately because the only thing worse than dealing with a vampire wannabe is crossing paths with a Villainous Vamp who hasn’t had a good meal since George Michael was in Wham!

Even though Romantic Vampires are choosy about their street attire, this in no way means the lovelorn vampire should be dismissed as a foppish creature unworthy of your respect. The finicky mannerisms hardly mask the genetic advantage this vampire classification has in terms of sexual appeal. Their physical allure is formidable even to the mightiest of Villainous Vamps—not to mention that it makes them practically irresistible to the rest of us mere mortals. When dealing with the Romantic Vampire, be aware of what is real and what is purely Mother Nature playing with your carnal desires.

One seduction tool in the Romantic Vampire’s repertoire is the skin. Romantic Vampires have no need for mortal exfoliation, under-eye cream, or even lotion; they don’t wrinkle with age or look worn down (unless they haven’t eaten, but even that is easily remedied). Once created, they’re gifted with a flawless complexion that only grows more marble-esque over the years. Although their exterior may be cold to the touch, it has a pleasing feel to it. The beauty of their unblemished cheeks calls out to mortals, but like the smooth lines of an ancient Roman statue, it’s best not to touch.

The full turning doesn’t just stop with blemishes, bags, and wrinkles. Some pop culture vampire chroniclers believe that the vampiric cure-all kiss of eternal life will replace missing parts of flesh and scars. The perfect pop culture example is from Christopher Moore’s
You Suck
, in which the turning ritual also returned body bits below the belt that were once surgically removed. Vampire Tommy wakes up to find himself brand new, as his previous circumcision has been reverted. So it sounds like a bris can quite possibly be undone.

Nothing is as captivating as holding a vampire’s gaze. Forget mind control; just the color change an immortal’s iris goes through will leave you stunned and speechless (see Common Vampire Eye Colors on page 13). The media has always paid specific attention to the eyes of the Romantic Vampire. When a Villainous Vampire has a victim under his thrall, the color of the evil being’s eyes is mentioned, but not harped upon. But when dealing with a Romantic Vampire, the love victim is often found mesmerized and trapped in gold hues, ice-blue tints, or frightening reds. Perhaps the excessive attention paid to this class’s eyes is simply because very few other classifications of vampire would let mortals so close and allow them to live to tell of it.

First and foremost, Romantic Vampires use the eyes to hold one’s attention. This allows them to drone on about their loveless life or sorrows without seeming like they’re telling any old sob story. The other and far more publicized ability of the vampire stare is its seductive draw. Although many Villains charm their prey with deceptive behavior, the Romantics continue to seduce, albeit ever so lightly, with the eyes. One of the earliest records of such sexual seduction through vampiric gaze is Lord Ruthven, who is often credited with making vampires “sexy.” Next in line as the vampire sex icon is Béla Lugosi’s Dracula, who, by today’s standards, would be considered a Romantic Vampire.
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Although a Tragic Vampire or even a Villainous Vamp can strike terror and fear into a victim’s heart with a mere blink of the eyelid, Romantic Vampires can keep their love victims spell-bound and randy for hours, without the use of much mind control. Call it a reflection of the Romantics’ desire or pure sexual chemistry; it’s one of the Romantics’ most effective techniques for a love encounter.

You can’t separate sex and fangs when it comes to the Romantic Vampire.
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Whether you’re partaking in the pleasures of the flesh or abstaining, when a fanged vampire gets sexually excited, you’ll most likely be facing two pointy pearly whites.

Although vampires can openly release their fangs during sexual stimulation (both mentally and physically), it is a personal preference. Some Romantic Vamps are embarrassed by Mother Nature’s warning sign. These particular nosferatu are normally exceedingly skilled in the art of self-control. A vampire can learn how to control the telltale sign of excitement so as to not frighten off a possible mate or date.

The actual fangs of Romantic Vamps are similar to the creature: delicate and chic, but deadly. When talking to a Romantic Vampire, if you’re privy to a “fang slip,” it’s best to steer the conversation away from flirtatious talk or you may find yourself an unwilling volunteer for vampiric infatuation.

Excluding the fangless breeds,
Hemophage romanorum
’s chompers normally fall into two categories. The first is a set of canines quite similar to the rattlesnake reptile (see figure 1 on page 15). The front set of fangs can flick out if the vamp is excited, angry, or scared.
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The second set of fangs common to the Romantics appears to grow out of the gum line, located in the front of the mouth (see figure 3 on page 15.)

The release of the fangs puts the vampire in a heightened level of sensual awareness, opening up an ultrasensitive pathway in the mouth that directly connects to the pleasure center of the brain.

The Romantic Vampire can be easily identified through its hands and nails. Romantic Vamps’ fingers are longer than those of a normal human’s. Their nails will also be slightly longer, but not ghoulish or threatening. Look for delicate yet powerful hands with glimmering fingernails—even on the males.
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If they shine like glass and cut the flesh, you’ve got someone who is Romantic but living-challenged.

Although many physical characteristics of the Romantic Vampire are a lovely sight to behold, the tragic flaw of this class is a lack of discerning taste for hairstyles. From their earliest incarnations, Romantic Vamps have carried questionable coiffures atop their heads. It first started with a general misuse of hair product.
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From the 1930s to the 1950s, there was a veritable clan of grease tops who shoveled hair gel down their slicked-back skulls.

The 1980s saw a renaissance of strong widow’s peaks on most lovesick undead. Although many members continued to support the greased-back style, other immortals opted for bleach abuse. The general need for vampire conditioner hit alarming heights in the 1980s, but vampires continued to bleach and grease their heads.
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The 1990s brought in a period of heavily gooed and spiked ’dos,
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shortly followed by the modern-day combination of hair goop and not showering that we see so often today.
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This is one of those rare media representations of a classification that seems to have hit the nail on the coffin, so to speak.

You could argue that unfortunate hair choices span across the vampire classifications, but it truly seems to make its most awful mark on the Romantics, a fact noticed, perhaps, because they’re otherwise so perfectly groomed. Even the poor vampire souls doomed to a life with the exact same cut they had when they were sired contribute to the terrible hair phenomenon.

Romantic Vampires usually have the most “human-friendly” abodes. This is a species on the lookout for love, and even if they live in a crypt or run-down shack, the interior will be more than comfortable. Most prefer a classic style with antiquities from their past surrounding them for comfort. The popular image of a swanky bachelor pad with red walls, velvet furniture, and an overly seductive gothic style is more media hype than reality. But as far as specific locations that appeal to the amorous vampires, this type could appear in various real estate situations and even have roommates.
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Proper etiquette when entering a Romantic Vampire’s home is not to look for a coffin. Visitors shouldn’t inquire as to its existence or ask to actually see it; both questions are considered very forward. In fact, many vampires have evolved past the “security blanket” of a coffin. If a particular vampire is not dependent on certain ground or a pine box, he will retreat to a comfy bed. Still, the C-word is a delicate subject for all vampires, especially those trying to cavort among the living. No one can be truly sure whether the vampire in question still sleeps in the traditional wooden box or bed, so it’s best to keep one’s mouth zipped about the matter at hand.

Should a vampire trade bedclothes for the traditional coffin, expect it to be just as comfortable as a bed in a box, but still simple. Vampires are often pulled into a dark slumber, so fitting one’s coffin with TVs, stereos, and nightlights is considered frivolous at best.

If you are one of the few living beings who actually gets to view the private and locked-away coffin resting place of a Romantic Vampire, consider yourself lucky: You are obviously close enough to an immortal who not only trusts you but hasn’t killed you. (Luckily, you won’t have to sleep in there, as even Romantic Vamps aren’t particularly keen on sharing something as intimate as a coffin.)

The undead world’s eternal lover is surprisingly easy to spot if you know where to go. Don’t waste your time on something as obvious as a “vampire bar”
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—nothing turns off an immortal Romantic faster than poseur vamps.

Instead, check out cultural festivities on the cusp of society: rock concerts, hidden bars, cozy cafés, and other small venues. Think small, intimate, and cutting edge. Most Romantic Vampires have had decades to cultivate a specific taste for talent, so they know what will be the next big wave in art, literature, and music, and they flock to things of beauty like moths to a flame. Plus these are great places to meet others, and what’s sexier than running into a hundred-year-old expert on something you share an interest in?

On that same note, should the artist in question retain any of these physical traits and possess a moody demeanor, you may want to ask him how old he is. The common attitude and embrace of an avant-garde lifestyle allows the casual vampire to slip in every once in a while.

Like most creatures of the night, the Romantic Vampires are blessed with supremely acute senses. In fact, many vamps going through a Romantic lifestyle change use these abilities in more new and interesting ways than other classes do. No more stalking your prey with your excellent senses in the middle of the woods—now they can use their skills to stalk the perfect companion at a local haunt. Before you’ve even ordered a drink, Romantic Vampires are aware if you need something refreshing or warm by sensing your body temperature. They can hear what you’re murmuring to your friends and see your cheeks fill with blood when your eyes meet. The application of the heightened senses makes the social hunter completely prepared to meet your every whim. This, in turn, makes Romantic Vampires appear beyond perfect and exceptionally considerate, which is exactly what they want you to think.