Vampire Charming (7 page)

“Of
course she will want me.  All women want me.”

Jane
scoffed at that.  “Except for me, your cheating ex, and anyone else with higher
brains functions.”

“Melessa
doesn’t count.  Neither do you, since you are inebriated and not thinking
straight.  Allandrina will be far more reasonable, especially since I am her only
path to reclaiming her kingdom.  Even if she does not like me as person, she
will like that I can give her back her crown.  Trust me, we will quickly reach
a mutually beneficial understanding.”

“Very
romantic.  Use those exact words when you propose.  She’ll be putty in your
hands.”

“I
am through with romance.”  Slade declared.  “For millennia, I longed for my
Eternal-One.  Having found Melessa, I now realize that the tradition is highly
overrated.”  He firmed his jaw.  “My next bride will be chosen without regard
to my Vampiric instincts.  It will be a straightforward business arrangement
between us.  Like one of the shallow ‘marriages’ you humans have.”

Jane
still wasn’t drunk enough to deal with him.

He
frowned as she poured some more liquor.  “You are a part of a weaker species,
Jane Squire.  This much alcohol is sure to affect you.  If you continue on this
way, you will no doubt pass out soon.”

“Here’s
hoping.”  She raised her glass in a mock toast and downed it in one swallow.

Slade’s
brows drew together.  “You seem upset.”  He finally decided.  “But there is no
reason to despair.  Our path is clear.  This could be a great new start for us
both.”

“You’re
here because you’re on the rebound.”  Jane told him.  “You’re trying to get
over Melissa…”

“Melessa.”

“Like
it matters.  The point is, you’re having some kind of emotional crisis because
you got dumped.  I
haven’t
got dumped.  My life is just fine the way it
is.  I don’t need a fresh start.”

“I
believe you do.  That is why fate has brought us together.”

Jane
rolled her eyes.  “Iverson’s Grocery brought us together.  Speaking of which, thanks
to
you
, I have to go job hunting in the morning.  Not only am I stuck on
a different planet, but I’m going to be hung over for the interviews.”

Focusing
on her unemployment seemed preferable to dealing with the rest of this nightmare. 
Even if Slade went back to the store and explained that he was solely
responsible for the great apple caper, odds were good that she wasn’t going to
be rehired.  Not when she’d dealt with her unwarranted firing by punching Mr.
Anderson right in his ratty little face.  Damn it, this was why she didn’t take
risks.  Whenever she did something impulsive, disaster struck.

Still,
she was pissed off that Zapp Brannigan didn’t even care that he’d lost her her
job.  Not that he seemed to care about
anything
that wasn’t directly
related to Slade, Sladeness, or Sladeiocity.

“You
are a vital part of my quest, Jane Squire.  I feel it.  Our futures lie in the
same direction.”

“Bullshit.” 
She turned to meet his eyes.  “Why did you really drag me into this?”

Men
who looked like Slade didn’t strike up random conversations with women like
her.  Even in sappy
Lifetime
movies, the “plain” girl was always TV
plain.  The kind of plain where she took off her glasses and she suddenly
looked like Grace Kelly.  Jane was
regular
plain.  The kind of plain where
she took off her glasses and nothing happened, except she couldn’t see.  She
was overlooked and passed by, because there was just nothing particularly
memorable about her.

“Why
did you even start talking to me, Slade?”  She persisted when he remained
quiet.

“I…” 
For the first time ever, he looked unsure.  “I cannot explain it, but, when I
saw you, I felt as if I had…
found
you after a long search.  I
know
that we must complete this journey together.”  He regarded her with hopeful
sincerity.  “All my Vampiric instincts tell me that you are important to my
success.”

Jane
rolled her eyes.  “Then we’re both screwed, because I’ve got nothing to offer
right now.”  She was used to taking charge, but this was
way
above her
coping threshold.  “I’m barely holding myself together, in case you haven’t
noticed.”

“
I
will hold you together.  You support me and I support you.  That is how it
should be.  We are
partners
in this.”

She
glanced over at him, unexpectedly touched by that offer.  She’d never had a
partner before.  It sounded almost nice.

His
Caribbean blue gaze held hers steadily, sensing her hesitation.  “Trust me.” 
He urged and, for one second, she nearly bought into the fairytale.

Christ,
she really was loaded.

Jane
looked away and pinched the bridge of her nose.  “Just leave.”  She ordered
tiredly.  She wasn’t getting sucked into his insanity.  She couldn’t take that
kind of risk.  “You’re a big, shiny disaster area.  I’ll find my own way home.”

Slade
sat down beside her, refusing to give up.  “You are overwrought.”  He diagnosed
in a wise tone.  “It is a common ailment of lower species.  If you would just
heed my greater…”

“Go
away
, Slade!  I’m staying right here and figuring this out alone.”  As
usual, the only one she could count on was herself.

He
blinked, amazed that she didn’t want him hovering around and spreading more
chaos.  “You’re being unreasonable.”  He sputtered.  “You need me.”

“
Need
you?
  For what?”  Getting far away from him was the logical choice.  Jesus,
she was basically babysitting the big doofus.  “I can get home by myself.”  With
him
leading the way, she’d end up retiring in this shithole dimension
full refugees from a
Monty Python
skit.  God only knew what mess he’d
lead them into next.

What
she really needed was more liquor.

Slade’s
frown deepened.  “You need me to look out for you, Jane Squire.  You are young
and entirely helpless.  You have no magicks, so I do not think you fully understand
the situation.  Inter-dimensional travel is very difficult.  It can only happen
with the aid of a Witch.”

“So
you’ve said.”

“Then,
you should
listen
.  You cannot get back to your world without me finding
Allandrina first.  It’s impossible.”

“Watch
me.”

He
sighed as if he was disappointed by her attitude.  “I believe you are in denial
about our circumstances.  It isn’t healthy.”

“I’m
not
in denial.  I’m well aware of the fact that you’ve ruined my life.” 
She waved a hand towards the exit.  “Go back to Asgard and battle Frost Giants,
alright?  I want no part of your crazy Stan Lee fantasies.”

“There
is no such world as Asgard.  And Frost Giants are pleasant creatures, who I
would
never
battle…”

“Would
you please stop talking and just leave me alone?”

“You
are supposed to be my trusty servant!”

“Then
consider this my resignation!”

The
two of them glowered at each other for a long moment.

Finally,
Slade straightened with grave dignity.  “I do not accept your resignation.  As
your caring and wise employer, I have no wish to upset you, though.  Therefore,
I have decided that you may remain in this safe and well-lighted tavern, futilely
drinking to escape reality.”

“That’s
the plan.”

“Meanwhile,
I shall go meet with the rebels at their hidden base and formulate the next
step of our plan.”

“Best
of luck.  I
really
mean that.”  She didn’t mean that.

He
wasn’t done.  “I shall return for you in two hours.”

Jane’s
jaw ticked.  “Then, I won’t
be
here in two hours.”

“Then,
I will
find
you in two hours and five minutes.”  He leaned in even closer,
his nauseatingly handsome face serious.  For once, he actually seemed like a
badass Vampire King.  “I am a thousand years old and the greatest tracker of my
kind.  No one can evade me, so don’t bother to try.”

“Are
you threatening me, you son-of-a-bitch?”

“No.
 I am
protecting
you.  This is a dangerous land for small humans.  We
must remain together.”

Hang
on… Did he just call her small?

Granted,
Slade was massive, so
everyone
probably seemed small to him, but the
unprecedented comment still mitigated her desire to drive a wooden stake
through his heart.  No one ever thought Jane was small.

No
one ever wanted to protect her, either.  In her neighborhood, life was sink or
swim.  Jane’s parents had both split when she was a baby.  She’d been raised by
an elderly aunt who’d passed away when Jane was still in high school.  Since
childhood, she’d been looking out for herself.  Some of her anger faded as she
realized that Slade was actually trying to
help
.  Kind of.

Jane
took a deep breath and considered her options.  Slade was a dick, but he was basically
harmless and bizarrely fixated on keeping her with him.  He also seemed pretty gullible
for someone who’d been alive for ten centuries.  Playing along with his lunacy
was probably the best choice.

“Jane.” 
She finally said.  “Stop using my last name and just call me Jane.  The ‘Jane
Squire’ thing is annoying me.”

Slade
inclined his head, taking that as a victory.  “Of course.”  His disgustingly
shiny teeth gleamed in a triumphant smile.  “I shall return soon, Jane.  Stay
here and regain your strength.”

He
patted her head with a condensing brush of his hand, his fingers lingering for
a beat in the tangle of curls.  Jane had tried every straightener on the
market, but her hair was beyond help.  Slade seemed to notice, damn him.  His
eyes stayed on the unfashionable mess, like it fascinated him.

“This
journey has clearly been hard on your feeble human constitution.”  He
murmured.  His thumb absently wound through one of spirals and he let out an
odd sigh.

She
tried hard to ignore the feel of his palm smoothing over her unruly hair.  No
way
was she drunk enough to be attracted to this jackass.  She refused to be that
pathetic.  Jane hated him with a festering passion.  She just had to keep
reminding herself of that fact.

She
also wasn’t going to wait around this bar for him, because she was better off
without the big oaf.  There was no sense in
telling
him that, though.  Jane
gave a “Yeah, you betcha” sort of nod.  “Yeah, you betcha.”

Slade
grinned and let his hand slip from her curls.  “That is more like it!  Here.” 
He dropped a red folder on the counter.  “While I am gone, peruse
From Here
to Infinia
and familiarize yourself with our new kingdom.  We have much to
accomplish.”

He
headed off, satisfied that she would obediently stay put.  Kings were probably used
to people following orders.  Four bearded men with hairy goat legs pranced
after Slade, no doubt leading him towards the hidden rebel base or whatever
Star
Wars
crap this “script” was plagiarizing.

Jane
rubbed her temple.  Against her better judgment, she flipped through the thick
binder.  Page after page of barely coherent sci-fi bullshit and some punk named
Roland.  Not to mention the Endless Woods…  And the Magma Pits of Maldondorr…  And
the Obsidian Fortress…  Who the hell had written this garbage?  Christ,
From
Here to Infinia
was everything wrong with modern films.

Jane
slammed the folder shut, again.  Maybe she
was
in denial, because no
way
could this really be happening.  No
way
were Slade and some little horned
guys really conspiring against a Werewolf king.  No
way
was she stuck in
some God-awful fantasy movie.  No
way
was her only ticket home some
kidnapped princess-witch who Slade wanted to seduce.  Jane just wouldn’t accept
that this was her life, now.

No.
fucking. way.

She
was going back
to her shoebox apartment, ordering a pizza she could no
longer afford, and throwing darts at pictures of Barnabas Collins.  Goddamn
Vampires were
not
going to…

“Is
your Vampiric master leaving with the Satyr brothers?”  Tegan the bartender
whispered in horror, interrupting Jane’s silent pep-talk.

Jane
slowly raised her eyes to look at the woman.  “You did
not
just say
‘Vampiric master.”  For the sake of her tip, blondie better start back-peddling.

“The
Satyr brothers cannot be trusted.”  Tegan continued with theatrical dread.  “Like
all of Fang’s followers, they prey on anyone who is naive enough to believe
their lies.  If your lord has fallen into their clutches, he is in grave
danger”

“Wait…” 
Jane began piecing that gibberish together.  “Those fuzzy guys who just left
aren’t rebels? They’re working
for
King Werewolf?

“The
Satyr brothers are mercenaries.  They work only for rubies and Fang offers
massive rewards for anyone who can bring him Vampires.  He
hates
them. 
They say a strong and noble Vampire drove him from his last world.  He’s never
forgiven their race.”  Tegan clutched her palms to her massive chest.  “If Fang
gets his hands on your handsome master, I shudder to think what he might do.”