Vampire Charming (5 page)

It
was as if Slade and Jane were standing still while the rest of the world began
twirling down an invisible drain.  The apartment faded, melting away so that,
for one moment, he could still see the outlines of the appliances and the next
they’d vanished.  The kitchen became fainter and fainter, until it was suddenly
gone and they were surrounded by nothing but trees that towered hundreds of
feet in the air.

Slade
and Jane were no longer in that chaotic and confusing “modern” world.  They’d
been safely transported to Infinia.  No oversized building, or noisy machines,
or interchangeable humans rushing in all directions.  Just a dense green forest
that stretched out in all directions and a wonderful, welcoming silence.

Slade
gave a slow smile.

Jane
Squire looked around in astonishment.  “What the hell just happened?”  She
yelped.  “Where
are
we?”  She whirled back around to Slade, her voice
edging towards hysteria.  “
What did you do?”

“I
have brought us to our new homeland.”  He told her proudly and shouldered the
golf clubs.  “No more will you suffer at the hands of aproned humans or be
surrounded by the annoying sounds of Earth.  Today, we begin again, here in the
realm of Infinia.”  He inclined his head in modest acknowledgement.  “You may
thank me later.”

“
What!?
” 
The woman was clearly overcome with appreciation.  She didn’t seem able to even
find coherent words.

Slade
gave her arm an understanding pat.  “I am glad I could do this small thing for
you, Jane Squire.”  He assured her in a grave tone.  It seemed
right
that she be beside him.  For whatever reason, he sensed that this human’s small
fate was linked to his own grand destiny.  He couldn’t explain it, but her mere
presence made him happier.  With her along, his mission would succeed.  He knew
it.  “Together we shall…”

He
didn’t get to finish that sentence.  From out of the underbrush, a deadly foe
launched an attack.  Slade instantly recognized it as a Wood Elf.  He wasn’t
surprised to see such a monster here.  They were the lackeys of the underworld,
feeding off misery and unrest.

Like
all of its unholy kind, the Wood Elf was genderless and spindly.  It was
dressed in an elfin green cloak that matched its bulbous eyes and clashed with
its electrified mop of purple hair.

“Vampire!” 
It shrieked and sprinted forward.  Its jaws stretched opened at a wide, inhuman
angle, jagged black fangs gleaming.  One bite put victims into a thrall, their
will lost and their mind no longer their own.

“HOLY
SHIT!”  Jane Squire bellowed as the Wood Elf barreled straight towards them.

Slade
shoved her backwards, already reaching for his sword.  He pulled it free of the
golf bag, giving the blade a practiced twirl.  “Stay back, Elf.”  He warned,
standing in front of Jane Squire.  “Else I’ll part you head from your
shoulders.”

Jane
Squire gaped at the sword like she’d never seen one before.  The woman was
clearly a sheltered being.  “What the
hell
is going on?!”

“Vampires
are forbidden in this land.”  The Wood Elf hissed, but it warily stopped its
advance.  Its body was deceptively thin, its head seemingly too big for its
bony shoulders.  That was all a facade.  They were among the strongest and
fiercest fighters in the supernatural world.  “We have orders to kill your kind
on sight.”

Slade
marveled at the creature’s impudence, his confidence rushing back now that he
had a familiar foe to vanquish.  He was the mightiest warrior ever born!  “I
welcome you to try.”  He offered with a laugh.  “I have killed many of your
species.”

The
Wood Elf’s eyes narrowed in rage.  “And we have killed many of yours.”  It gave
a shrill whistle and the forest was suddenly alive with a dozen more of the
skeletal demons.  They poured out of the bushes, their thin bodies poised to
attack.

Jane
Squire sucked in a panicked breath and Slade instantly felt his arrogant
amusement fade.  Not because he was now outnumbered, but because the human was
scared.  He spared her a quick glance over his shoulder, his chest tightening
as he realized the extent of her vulnerability.  She was braced to defend
herself, but the woman was helpless and this world was completely foreign to
her.  All his life, Slade had shouldered the responsibilities of the Vampire
Isle and its people, but this was different.  More personal.  Jane Squire safety
depended on him.

Just
him.

Not
on the King of the Vampires, but on
Slade
.

He
felt a sudden sense of purpose that had nothing to do with ruling a kingdom. 
He could do this.  He could keep her safe.  “Have no fear, Jane Squire.  I
shall let none harm you.”

“What
are they?”  She breathed in terror.

Slade
would have been happy to answer that, but the Wood Elves didn’t give him an
opportunity.  They rushed forward in a mob, which was their preferred method of
attack.  It made them predictable.  Slade’s sword swung out in a practiced
arc.  He cleaved their oversized heads from their shoulders, refusing to allow
any of the monsters closer to Jane Squire.  They fell to the forest floor in a
wide circle around the woman, but more kept coming.

“Goddamn
it.”  Jane Squire seemed to shake herself from her frightened trace and grabbed
a fallen tree branch from the ground.  Refusing to be intimidated, she began
battling alongside Slade, beating the Wood Elves with the wooden club.  “God
damn
it.”  She caved in one of their skulls and cringed at the gush of green blood. 
Still, she kept fighting.  It was impressive courage for a human.  “
Goddamn
it,
what are these things?”

“They
are Wood Elves.  They no doubt work for the Werewolf usurper of this land.”

“
Elves?
 
Like fucking Santa Claus?!”

Slade
had no idea what that meant and he was too busy slashing through the torrent of
vile monsters to ask.  The first Wood Elf must have been the leader of the
group.  As the others kept Slade busy, it skittered closer, looking for an
opening.  It found one with Jane Squire.  The creature lashed out at her as she
swung her branch.

The
Wood Elf latched onto her arm and Jane Squire gave a cry of alarm.  She tried
to push it away, but the Wood Elf was unrelenting.  It drove her to the
ground.  Poisonous teeth bared in a snarl, it prepared to rip into her flesh.

“Slade!” 
Jane Squire screamed.

Slade
felt his Dark Instincts come over him as she cried out his name, his own fangs
lengthening and his fingernails sharpening into daggers.  Seeing Jane Squire in
danger let lose the inner animal that Vampires usually suppressed.  For once,
he didn’t try to stop the bloodlust.  He grabbed for the Wood Elf, a roar
leaving his throat.  He pulled it away from Jane Squire, intent on killing it
for touching her.  His claws shredded the creature’s lanky body, tearing open
its neck.

“I
should’ve been a contender for… something.”  It gasped and finally stilled.

Jane
Squire scrambled backwards from the fountain of gore, her eyes huge in her face.

“You
are safe now.”  Slade dropped the creature’s body to the ground, breathing hard. 
“Fear not.  I shall protect you from the monsters of this world.”

Jane
Squire stared at the carnage, wheezing and dazed.  “Was it misquoting Brando?” 
She got out weakly.

“I
do not know who that it.”  Therefore, the man couldn’t have been very
important.  Slade stood still for a moment, taking stock of the battlefield.  With
their leader dead, the other Wood Elves quickly scattered back into the trees. 
He could feel his teeth and claws returning to normal and the adrenaline fading
as the danger passed.

In
all, that had been the most interesting fight Slade had engaged in since he and
Damien used to try and slaughter each other.  Far more satisfying than hunting
Vespas.  And Jane Squire had battled beside him.  His new servant was a worthy
partner on his quest and far more hardy than must humans.  He couldn’t imagine
Melessa facing down Wood Elves, in such a way.  His petite ex-wife would have
fainted at the sight of so much green blood.  Jane Squire had bravely killed
three of the fiends.  She was a study lass.

He
glanced down at her, smiling widely.  “The enemy has retreated!  Our campaign
is off to a splendid start.”  He saw that they were standing on a wide path, so
he even had a trail they could follow out of the forest.  Clearly, this was all
part of destiny’s great plan.

Jane
was still on the ground, looking shell-shocked.  “You’re really a Vampire.” 
She blurted out.

Slade’s
eyebrows drew together.  “Yes.”  He agreed.  “I have repeatedly told you as
much.”

“
But,
you’re
really a fucking
Vampire!
”

Had
the woman bumped her head?  She seemed very confused.  Perhaps a recap was in
order.

“I
am Slade, King of the Vampires.”  He reminded her in a slow voice.  “You are my
trusted servant, Jane Squire.  We are in the enchanted realm of Infinia, where
I shall defeat the Werewolf overlord and claim the kingdom as my own.”

“Oh.” 
She whispered and swallowed hard.

Slade
frowned at her faint tone.  “Are you alright?”  He demanded, crouching down
beside her.  “You look unwell.”

He
rested a hand against the top of her head, reluctantly noticing the feel of the
toffee-colored strands touching his palm.  The Vampire Isle had the most
luxurious silks imaginable, but even they couldn’t compare the softness of Jane
Squire’s hair.  Like most supernatural beings, Slade had always been fascinated
by humans’ curls and Jane Squire’s seemed purposefully designed to tempt him.

His
mind was instantly filled with captivating images of the shiny tresses sliding
against his body.  Sliding
down
his body.  The beautiful spirals dancing
across his skin as her lips sealed around him.  His fingers tangling in the
tight ringlets as he thrust into her suckling mouth…

Slade
swallowed hard, trying to focus.  The fantasy was not like him.  She was a
small and delicate creature under his protection.  He should not be imagining
all the brazen things he wanted to do to her small and delicate body.  Vampires
were gentleman.

He
cleared his throat.  “Have you need of something, Jane Squire?”  He prompted
when she just sat there in a stupor.

She
nodded vaguely, her gaze still locked on the decapitated Elf.  “Yeah, I seriously
need a drink.”

INT.-
DRUNKEN DRAGON TAVERN- NIGHT

It’s
been a hard day of doing whatever it is blacksmiths do all day.  ROLAND is
looking forward to having a drink and maybe picking up the bartender.  (Note:
It’s important that we show ROLAND sleeping with other women, besides just the
heroine.  This proves to the audience that he’s very manly and awesome.  She,
of course, can’t sleep with anybody but him or she’d be a slut.  That’s just
how movies work.)  Anyhow, as ROLAND works his blacksmithy charms on the
locals, little does he know that destiny is about to come knocking…

There
is a knock at the door.  Everyone turns as a stranger stumbles into the tavern. 
He’s a DYING OLD KNIGHT GUY, with a bunch of arrows in him.  Looking around the
bar, his eyes fall on ROLAND.

DYING OLD KNIGHT
GUY

Roland,
you are the last of a mysterious, beautiful, but tragically extinct royal clan.

You were
hidden among peasants for your own safety, but you are far better than them.

You are a
hero.

ROLAND

I
knew
it!

DYING OLD KNIGHT
GUY

I have
come to give you the enchanted Silver Sword.  Use it to defeat Fang and save
the kingdom.

Also marry
Princess Allandrina.

ROLAND

(Taking
the Silver Sword, which is silver and about the size of a letter opener)

It’s kind
of small isn’t it?

DYING OLD
KNIGHT GUY

We had to
think about its marketing potential in toy store aisles.

ROLAND

Whatever. 
Look, this is cool and all, but I got a band to think about, man.

Once we
figure out the instruments, we’re really going to go places.

I can’t be
tied down to some princess chick.

DYING OLD KNIGHT
GUY

You know
that Allandrina was the centerfold in last month’s
Waxed and Wet Wenches
,
right?

But, she’s
definitely
not
a slut
. 
That needs to be explicitly stated, even
through my agonizing pain.

The nude
photo shoot was part of a royal sorority initiation.  Allandrina is very
free-spirited.

…But, not
a slut.

ROLAND

(Recalling
that picture in the men’s magazine)