Vampire Charming (6 page)

That hottie
with the killer rack?  Oh fuck…I
totally
have to save her!

DYING OLD KNIGHT
GUY

I knew you
would do the right thing, Roland.  You are destined to help reshape Infinia’s
future.

It is now
unclear what role you will play, but…

ROLAND

(Cutting
him off)

Unclear?  How
is my role unclear?  You just said I’m the damn
hero!

DYING OLD
KNIGHT GUY

(With Yoda-y
wisdom)

It seems there
is another…

ROLAND

Hang on? 
Another?
 
Which another?  Where’d he come from?

What the
hell are you talking about?

The
DYING OLD KNIGHT GUY gurgles and dies.  It’s way sad, but also dramatic.  Like
with violin music in the background and stuff.  (Note: He should totally be
played by ANTHONY HOPKINS or that dude who’s ALFRED in the
Batman
movies.)

Redrafted Film Script- “From Here to
Infinia”

Jane
sat on a barstool and glared at the Slade.  She’d been doing that for
half-an-hour.

The
good news was Slade was damn easy to look at.  At six foot eight, with shiny
golden locks brushing his wide shoulders and a face straight out of a fairytale,
the guy was undoubtedly the handsomest nut job in Chicago.  She’d been
surreptitiously gawking at him ever since he’d shown up in aisle five of the
grocery store.

Slade
was so damn…
shiny
.

Yeah,
he dressed like a pirate, with tight black pants and an open-neck white shirt. 
Yeah, he probably spent all his waking hours admiring himself in the mirror or
working out at the gym.  Yeah, he expected roses to be thrown at his feet, just
for walking into a room.  But, none of that distracted from the pretty, pretty
view.

Slade
glowed with vitality and flawless masculinity.  He could land the lead in any
summer blockbuster just by smiling at the casting director.  He was
perfect
.

Then,
he started talking.

The
bad news was Mr. Perfect registered off-the-scales crazy.  “I’m the Vampire
King of an enchanted island” crazy.  And the
worst
news was he didn’t
seem to be morphing into a cute surfer, or an astronaut rabbit, or a bumblebee
who talked backwards.  Ergo, she wasn’t going to wake-up and forget this even
happened over her second cup of coffee… Because this
wasn’t
a dream.

So,
maybe Slade wasn’t so crazy.

Except,
he had to be crazy, because if
he
wasn’t crazy then
Jane
was
crazy and Jane didn’t want to be crazy.  She had enough problems.  Except, if she
was sane, then Jane had been magically transported to a creepy forest filled
with killer Elves.  That was an even
bigger
problem.  Was it better to
be crazy
yoursel
f or to be stuck in a galaxy far, far away with a crazy
person?  Assuming Slade
was
crazy.  Maybe he wasn’t.  It was kind of
hard to deny that something a
teeny
bit weird was going on.

So,
maybe neither of them was crazy.

Except
that would mean that this was
really happening
and that was the worst
possibility of all.  If neither she
nor
Slade was a raving lunatic, then
she was stranded in some alternate dimension with an egomaniacal Vampire and monsters
who were trying to kill her.  How the hell was she supposed to deal with
that
possibility?

Jane
wasn’t even sure what to hope for.  Her mind was racing, trying to think of
some reasonable explanation for all of this.  So far, it was just a jumble of
panic and confusion and fury.

And
Slade’s jabbering wasn’t helping to clear things up.

He
stood in the middle of the woodsy, folksy, old time-y pub, weaving that dumb
story of his destined crown, and the grimy looking locals were actually buying
it.  Creatures of various unknown species stared at Slade with enraptured
expressions, eagerly nodding at each ridiculous detail.  Wasn’t it lucky for
his majesty that everyone here spoke English and had the IQ of a doormat?

“I’ll
have another round of the strongest one.”  Jane told the blonde bartender,
finishing off a glass unidentified liquor.  “Make it a double.  In fact, just
leave the bottle.”

Jane’s
short term coping strategy was to get as hammered as possible.  Hopefully, they
took debit cards here in “Infinia,” because she fully planned to rack up a tab in
the triple digits.  Unlike the size two actresses who got cast in all the best
parts, Jane was big enough to hold her alcohol, so getting blackout drunk might
take a while.  It would totally be worth it though, because she didn’t want to
remember
anything
about today.

Especially
not that freaking Vampire.

She’d
spent hours walking through the forest, listening to Slade talk about some
stupid movie script he’d used to travel here, and how “magicks” existed, and
how this wasn’t Earth anymore.  …And damn if she wasn’t almost plastered enough
to believe it.

Try
as she might, Jane couldn’t come up with another explanation for what she’d
seen.  She’d always been a pragmatic girl and there didn’t seem much point in
denying reality.  A degree in preforming arts might have rendered her virtually
unemployable, but it did give her a high tolerance for the bizarre.  She knew
an Elf when it tried to bite her on the arm.  Jane kept trying out different
scenarios, but they all led back to the indisputable fact that she was sane and
this was actually happening.

If
that didn’t call for getting wasted, then nothing did.

“Wonderful
news!”  The golden-haired cause of all her problems came bounding over, looking
like a model from a cologne ad.  All he needed was a horse, a beach to ride it
on, and a French-accented voiceover promising that seductive passion awaited
all those who bought his perfume.

Jane
pretended he wasn’t there.

Slade
didn’t notice the snub.  He leaned in closer, his body language shouting that
he considered them united in this madness.  Hell, if she knew why.  “These men
know of the rebel forces who seek to overthrown the evil Werewolf Fang.”  He
told her happily.

“Fang?” 
Jane repeated dubiously.  Ignoring Slade was impossible when he said shit like
that.  She poured herself another drink.  “Jesus, there’s just not enough booze
in the world to deal with this.”

“Fang
is a nefarious villain.  I’ve faced him before and I’ve seen his cruelty
firsthand.”

“Uh-huh.”

The
bartender smiled enticingly at Slade, posed so her ample bosom was shown off to
best advantage.  “Can I get you something, my lord?”  She cooed.  “I know that
supernatural patrons don’t imbibe alcohol, but we have a nice selection of holy
water.”

“No,
I’m fine.”  Slade didn’t even glance her way.  As usual, his Caribbean blue
eyes watched Jane as if she was the only person in the room.  It was like being
under a brilliant, cerulean spotlight.

Jane
refused to be impressed, no matter how unique it felt to be the center of
someone’s attention.  Slade probably didn’t even realize he was so focused on
her.  The man’s personal charisma was off the charts, but he was also a complete
and utter idiot.  No wonder he wanted to get into politics.

“I’m
Tegan.”  The bartended told Slade.  “Call if you need
anything
.”  She
bounced away, giving him one last come-hither wink.

Slade
barely seemed aware she’d been there, at all.  “This is our only chance, Jane
Squire.”  He grinned at her, his teeth far too white and even.  No fangs were
evident, but they’d sure been there when he’d killed the Elf who’d attacked
her.  “We shall meet with these rebels, secure their help, and together we will
claim this kingdom as my own.”  He banged a triumphant fist down on the
countertop, launching Jane’s drink in the air with his irritating Vampire
strength.  “It’s all as you said it would be.”

She
caught hold of her glass.  “As
I
said it would be?”  Jane might have
been above the legal limit, but she didn’t recall saying anything that stupid.

“Yes. 
You told me I should find a new land to rule and I have.  I just need to fight
for it.”

“And
what about me?”  Jane demanded.

“You
shall fight for my kingdom, too.”  He slung a companionable arm around her
shoulder.  The son-of-a-bitch smelled like magic.  “You’ll be by my side.  And
when we win this land, I will grant you all that you desire.”

“I
desire to go home.”  She shoved him away.  “You brought me here.  You can send
me back.  Do it. 
Now
.”

Seeing
as how he was an actual, genuine, for real, holy-God-how-is-that-possibly-
possible?
Vampire, she should probably be wary of Slade.  She’d seen the guy behead about
a dozen scrawny little monsters back in the forest and rip one apart with his
bare hands.  Upsetting him was a lousy idea.

Jane
had never been very good at watching what she said, though.  Thoughts just
popped out before she even finished thinking them.  Especially around conceited
jerkoffs who’d basically kidnapped her.  No way could she even pretend to be
civil to the guy.  Every word out of his mouth made her want to punch him.  Slade
was like the worst of all possible ex-boyfriends.  Sickeningly handsome,
emotionally oblivious, and apparently immortal.  Everything that had gone wrong
today was
his
fault and she had every right to blame him for it.

Besides,
retractable fangs or not, Slade wouldn’t hurt her.  Growing up on the
Southside, Jane had been around plenty of tough guys.  She knew how to spot the
dangerous ones and Slade wasn’t dangerous.  Not to her.  It was impossible to
fear a man who tried to donate to homeless kittens and stood in front of you
when Elves attacked.

…Even
if he was armed with a sword and a fully loaded golf bag.

Slade
had the audacity to look hurt by her words.  “Send you back to what?  That
dreary world, where men in aprons shout at you?  I’ve freed you from that life,
Jane Squire.  Now, you serve a
higher
purpose.”  He splayed a hand over
his annoyingly muscular chest.  “You serve
me
.  Together we shall write
an epic tale for the ages.”

Jane
snorted at that idea.  She wasn’t destined to be the star of any epic tales. 
She was too plain looking for the role.  Too large.  She wasn’t so much
overweight as she was “sturdy.”  At least, that’s what her Aunt Maybelline had
called it.  Jane didn’t play the delicate or beautiful heroine.  She was the
character who made the wisecracks and encouraged the film’s stars to follow
their dreams.  Jane got cast as the servant, who helped the spunky heiress flee
her stifling life of tiaras and dukes.  The anonymous computer geek, who
cracked the code for the adventurous spies.  The faceless extra, who held the
knight in shining armor’s helmet, while he kissed Sleeping Beauty awake.

And
it pissed her off.

“I’m
not going to be your sidekick, Slade.  Aside from the fact sidekicks usually
die in these kind of movies,
I don’t even like you
.”

“Don’t
be ridiculous.  Everyone likes me.  I am the hero of my people.”

“I
don’t believe in heroes.”

“That
is an absurd thing to say.  You might as well not believe in Vampires.”

Jane
barely resisted the urge to strangle him with her bare hands.  “Look, I just want
to go home.  I don’t belong inside
The Black Cauldron
.  I never even saw
The Black Caldron
.  As soon as I’m sober, I’m pretty sure I’m going to
have a total fucking breakdown.  Understand?  We’re talking
rocking-in-a-fetal-position-until-all-the-scariness-stops
freak out
of
epic goddamn proportions.  So just send me back to Chicago, before I lose it!”

He
blinked at the vehemence in her tone.  “I cannot.”

“Can’t
or won’t?”

“Can’t. 
I haven’t the magicks necessary to cross realms.  Only a Witch can do that. 
But, fear not.”  He nodded wisely.  “If this is truly what you wish, I know
where we can find such a woman.”

Jane
closed her eyes.  “Please say she’s in this bar.”

“No. 
But, she is a princess, held prisoner by Fang, the Werewolf overlord who has
seized Infinia.  She is also a mighty Witch of untold powers.  When we save
Princess Allandrina, she will fling herself into my mighty arms in gratitude. 
As we embrace, I will ask her to grant your request.”

Jane
squinted at him.  “So we’re doing all this so you can get laid?”  She
translated.

Slade
shook his head.  “Allandrina will be my bride.”  He explained like he already had
it all figured out.  “Together we will rule these lands in supreme splendor and
magnificence.”

The
arrogance was breathtaking.  “So it’s
her
kingdom and you’re just going
to take it?  What kind of sexist crap is that?”  Why did female characters in
movies always have to be props for men?  “Besides, you’ve never met this girl. 
What makes you think she’ll even
want
you?”