Valentine Present and Other Diabolical Liberties (26 page)

     
‘Christ,’ moans Fiona as she crashes into the door.

     
‘Keep your voice down,’ I hiss. ‘Don’t you have your contacts in?’

She shakes her head.

      ‘For God’s sake Fiona,’ I say irritably. ‘Who the hell is going to see you at this time of night?’

     
‘Alright, keep your hair on. I’ll put my glasses on. Can we put this thing down for a minute, I can barely lift it.’

Fiona’s timing is priceless. We carefully lower the rolled up carpet and I wait until she has her glasses on. I prick my ears for any sounds of movement but the house is quiet.
It’s two o’clock in the morning and the only sound I can hear is the distant hoot from an owl.

     
‘I can’t believe we are doing this. What if something goes wrong?’ she says worriedly.

     
‘Nothing is going to go wrong,’ I say, my jaw tightening in determination. ‘Anyway, what choice do we have?’

     
‘Speak for yourself. I don’t know why the hell I’m getting involved. God, I’ll get a hernia lifting this,’ she complains as we each lift an end of the carpet.

     
‘This could only happen to us,’ she says miserably as she gingerly steps through the doorway into the moonlit night. I’m thankful for the full moon. At least we will be able to spot anyone lurking outside. I look down at the carpet and my heart pounds like a bongo drum. I’ve never been so scared in my life.

     
‘You’ve got it haven’t you?’ I ask anxiously.

     
‘Yes, but I’m not happy about this. Dumping bodies in lochs isn’t quite what I imagined we’d be doing when I came up here.’

     
‘It’s for the best,’ I say, struggling to catch my breath. Christ, I’m hyperventilating, that’s all we need.

     
‘Brice had better be there,’ she mumbles sidestepping something on the ground. ‘Fuck,’ she cries. ‘What the hell was that?’

     
‘What?’ I ask.

     
‘Shit, I don’t know but it moved bloody fast. Jesus Harry, do we have to do this? These sodding midges are eating me to death, bloody vampire things, and God knows what that was at my feet.’

I look down and spot Diamond wandering towards the rose garden.

      ‘It was Diamond,’ I say, feeling an ache in my shoulders.

     
‘Oh Christ,’ she says a look of horror on her face. ‘Where is he, can you see him? Oh shit Harry, what if he jumps out and cuts off our ears?’

I sigh.

      ‘Diamond the
cat
Fiona, not Jack bleeding Diamond.’

She groans and lowers her shoulders.

      ‘You might have said.’

     
‘Can you just stop moaning and keep walking,’ I snap.

     
‘I’m doing you a favour you know, so don’t snap at me. Anyway, you don’t know what kind of creepy-crawlies they have out here do you?’

     
‘It’s Scotland, not the bleeding jungle.’

     
‘All the same.’

     
‘Do you want me to go backwards?’ I offer.

     
‘It won’t matter if I’m going forwards or backwards, I’m still not going to be happy.’

     
‘I’m thinking you’ll be happier if you know where you’re going and what you’re doing.’

     
‘I know what I’m doing and I’m not happy about it at all.’

I sigh. The sooner we dump this thing the better.

      ‘But on reflection, yes I think I’d prefer to go forwards. That way you can walk into Jack Diamond if he jumps out on us,’ she says.

     
‘I wish you’d said this when we had the light from the house. Okay, start turning clockwise,’ I say.

     
‘Your clockwise or my clockwise?’

I stare at her.

      ‘What?’

     
‘Well, if you’re thinking clockwise your way I need to go anti-clockwise and vice versa if you meant the other way round.’

Bleeding hell, it’s two in the morning and she wants to play mind games.

      ‘I’ll go clockwise and you follow me, right?’ I hiss, wishing my foot would stop throbbing.

     
‘No need to get huffy. I’m just trying to help.’

     
‘Yes, well it would have been more helpful if you had mentioned this earlier. Right are you ready to turn?’

At that moment we are bathed in light and Fiona squeals and drops her end of the carpet with a thud.
She really has to be the worst partner in crime anyone ever had. I squint against the light and see Cedric in the shadows. God almighty, what is he doing up at this time of night?

     
‘Jesus,’ Fiona groans.

     
‘Good evening madam, may I be of assistance?’

     
‘Fuck me Cedric, are you trying to give me a heart attack?’ I say feeling the perspiration trickle between my breasts.

     
‘I rather think trying to carry that …’

     
‘Oh God,’ Fiona moans.

     
‘Carpet,’ I say.

     
‘Yes madam. I rather think trying to carry a heavy carpet in the dead of night might possibly give
you
a heart attack. It certainly won’t help your foot.’

It’s knocking pounds of
f me that’s for sure. I lower my end carefully and try to breathe normally.

     
‘Madam, may I enquire why you would be removing a carpet in the dead of night?’

Fiona stifles a little cry.

      ‘We’re not stealing it,’ she says.

     
‘The truth is Cedric, we have something
inside it that we need to dump in the loch.’

Fiona gasps.

      ‘Harry, what are you saying?’

     
‘Who’s out there?’ Emily appears in the doorway in her nightie.

Oh for pit
y’s sake. Why don’t we just blow the hunting horn and get everyone out here.

     
‘Miss Harriet and Miss Fiona are disposing of something in a carpet,’ says Cedric in a matter-of-fact voice.

     
‘Don’t you lot sleep?’ I ask, stifling a yawn.

     
‘Not when people are banging and shuffling around next to the servants’ quarters,’ replies Cedric.

     
‘Do you need a torch?’ asks Emily.

Sweet Jesus, why don’t they just play some wee bagpipes and dance the Highland fling while they’re at it.

      ‘Emily could help carry my end,’ suggests Fiona. ‘It is bloody heavy and I think my arms may fall off before I make it to the loch.’

The carpet sags heavily in the middle and even I have to agree it feels heavier by the second.

      ‘Okay,’ says Emily, jumping forward and tying her shawl around her shoulders.

     
‘I’ll lift the middle and we can get this over and done with, and we can all return to our beds,’ says Cedric.

I nod in agreement. After all, what else can I do? Cedric counts to three and we all lift the carpet together.

      ‘Bloody hell, it’s heavy. Have you got a body in here?’ quips Emily.

Fiona’s eyes meet mine and I quickly turn away.

      ‘Language please Emily,’ admonishes Cedric.

     
‘Can you please keep your voices down? We don’t want someone calling the police,’ I say.

     
‘Good God no,’ groans Fiona.

Cedric is quite right however, and we reach the jetty in no time and without incident. Brice and Angus widen their eyes at the sight of the four of us.

      ‘Good evening Mr Brice,’ says Cedric. ‘Do you require this on the boat?’

     
‘Indeed, well done Cedric. Of course it goes without saying doesn’t it that this will all be forgotten by the morning.’

     
‘It’s already forgotten sir, isn’t that right Emily?’

Emily’s cheeks glow in the moonlight. This is probably the most excitement she has had in years.

      ‘Oh yes, of course sir,’ she smiles.

Angus and Brice haul the carpet onto the boat and lower it gently. Fiona and I stand panting while Ce
dric and Emily look at us.

     
‘Thank you Cedric, that’s all I think,’ I say looking at Brice.

He nods.

      ‘That’s fabulous guys,’ he says, as though hauling a rolled up carpet onto a boat in the dead of night happens every day. Cedric gives a nod and takes Emily’s hand.

     
‘Well, goodnight sir, madam,’ says Cedric.

We watch them walk away and as soon as they are out of sight Fiona groans.

      ‘I really cannot believe we are doing this. Do you think Jack Diamond is out there?’

     
‘I think it very likely he is,’ smiles Brice.

I sincerely hope so otherwise this has all been a waste of time.

     
‘What we gonna do about it?’ asks Mad Jack Junior as he kicks the trunk of a tree.

     
‘I’m not sure. But you don’t tell yer mum nothing, not yet anyway.’

Mad Jack stares in disbelief.

      ‘But we’ve got to tell her that they shot Babyface and dumped …’ he falters.

     
‘We can’t get emotional, it ain’t professional,’ snaps Diamond, staring at the loch.

Their plan to rob the place had certainly gone tits up. He’d thought they would come here, find
Babyface outside the house and nick some of the good stuff. But there was no sign of Babyface. The truth is they have no proof that Babyface Jack’s body was rolled up in the carpet but what else could it have been? You’re not going to dump a rolled up carpet in the early hours of the morning are you, not unless there is something fishy inside it? He really underestimated that Harriet all right. Julian is a weak wanker but bleedin’ hell, she is something else altogether.

     
‘What we gonna do then?’ Mad Jack asks again, giving the tree another kick.

     
‘I need to think about it,’ replies Diamond.

The truth is the whole thing has shaken him up more than he wants to admit. He’d seen a few things in his
time and was convinced Babyface had not been badly injured. He’d never have left him otherwise. In fact, he had expected him to come limping back to the B&B later that night. When he hadn’t they had crept back to the house to try and get an idea of what was going on but apart from seeing Harriet sneak into Stalker Lodge everything was quiet. At first he had thought that perhaps they had taken him to hospital but there was no record of him there.

     
‘Think about bleedin’ what?’ asks Mad Jack angrily.

Diamond glares at his son.

      ‘Do yer really think I’m going to let them kill Babyface and dump him in the loch? What kind of father do you take me for?’ snaps Diamond.

     
‘I dunno,’ mumbles Mad Jack.

     
‘It all depends whether it was business or personal,’ says Diamond thoughtfully.

Mad Jack kicks the tree again.

      ‘Will you leave that bleedin’ tree alone?’

     
‘It’s personal ain’t it, I mean that’s obvious. He was your son, that’s personal ain’t it?’

     
‘Yeah but we killed ‘arriet’s goldfish and that weren’t personal.’

Mad Jack Junior gapes at his dad.

      ‘Babyface is a bit different to a goldfish.’

Diamond shrugs.

      ‘I know that and you know that but,’ he widens his hands expressively. ‘It was her goldfish, so it was personal to her.’

Mad Jack shakes his head.

      ‘I don’t believe this. We’re comparing Babyface to a bleedin’ goldfish. Somethin’ ain’t right ‘ere,’ he mumbles. ‘We didn’t dump the stupid goldfish in a loch though did we?’

Jack exhales.

      ‘It don’t matter what we did with the goldfish. Okay, it just don’t matter. We might have to accept a life for a life, right?’

     
‘Babyface’s life for a goldfish? I don’t believe I’m ‘earing this.’

Diamond bites his lip.

      ‘But then again, maybe you’re right. They should perhaps pay for what they’ve done.’

Mad Jack jumps up and down in excitement.

      ‘Yeah that’s more like it. Get some dosh out of the buggers.’

Diamond scratches his head. Yeah, maybe Mad Jack is right. They could make a little packet out of all this and all because old Harriet got it all wrong. Maybe she did them a favour. Shame
Babyface got whacked in the process. Still, business is business. You can’t let emotions get in the way.

     
‘Let’s go back and get the plan in motion,’ says Diamond.

Mad Jack nods happily.

      ‘Yeah, let’s sort the bastards.’