Valentine Present and Other Diabolical Liberties (23 page)

His hand clasps mine.

      ‘You’ll hate me,’ I say pushing myself up onto my trembling legs.

     
‘Just stop it all now Harry. It can’t be that difficult surely?’

I take a deep breath. Maybe I can tell him the truth.

      ‘Brice.’

We turn and see
Sebastian running towards us.

     
‘Quick, it’s Mother.’

Christ, she hasn’t gone and croaked it has she? I suppose Hamilton will blame me for this too. I can’t win can I?

     
‘Caron and I will pop to Debenhams tomorrow and buy something special. Oh I’m that excited Harry.’

      ‘It’s nothing special,’ I say, still holding out hope that I may get out of all this before Friday arrives. ‘This thing with Hamilton is, well …’

     
‘Nothing special,’ she shrieks. ‘You’re getting engaged and you say it’s nothing special. Bleeding hell, I’ll have to get your dad a new shirt that’s how bleeding special it is. You and some rich bloke, well that’s special all right.’

     
‘It’s just families getting together that’s all Mum, don’t get carried away. The thing is …’

     
‘Carried away? My daughter is only getting engaged to bleeding royalty.’

I sigh. Why won’t she ever let me get a word in?

      ‘Not quite,’ I correct.

     
‘Well, as close as buggery.’

The last thing I want to do is put my parents through the ordeal of meeting Hamilton and his parents, and I really cannot bear the thought of putting Hamilton and his parents through the ordeal of meeting my parents. I mean, what the fuck
will they have to talk about? Mum no doubt will start helping Cedric, and Caron will want to talk fashion and trust me, Caron’s idea of fashion is whatever is the latest rage down Carnaby Street. I don’t somehow imagine Hamilton, or any of his family, has ever frequented that part of London, but then again knowing Hamilton I wouldn’t like to guess where he has frequented.

     
‘Don’t swear though will you, not when you’re here. Hamilton’s parents hate swearing.’

     
‘Oh goodness, how are you coping then?’

     
‘I don’t swear that much,’ I say indignantly.

     
‘Well, I’m buying a new two piece and I’ll get me hair permed properly at the hairdressers,’ chatters Mum. ‘I thought I’d have that mahogany colour again. You remember you said it suited me?’

Bleeding hell.

      ‘Yes it did, but maybe a more conservative colour would be better for coming here,’ I say carefully.

Shit, this is awful. Why shouldn’t my mum have her hair mahogany if she wants? Maybe I should wear more of my own clothes. Yes, that’s one way of bringing this to a head. Maybe I’ll drop all this posh talk too.

      ‘Well, whatever you think best,’ she says hesitantly. ‘I could just be plain brown. Anyway, I’ll get Dad to get the coach tickets; I don’t want your dad driving all that way. He’s bound to get lost. I’ll let you know what time we’ll get there
and maybe you can pick us up?’

     
‘Right,’ I say in a depressed tone.

She lets out a little gasp.

      ‘Oh Lord, do we have to curtsy to them? I mean you said his father is titled and everything. What does your dad do, I mean he and Gary can’t curtsy now can they? They’ll look right daft ha’p’orths if they do.’

It’s not too late for me to run away. I could sell the pearls couldn’t I? They are no doubt worth a few bob,
and then I could bugger off to Brazil. Maybe I can do a Shirley Valentine and meet some lovely foreign bloke. What I’d really like to do is walk in front of the bullets at the shoot today. Preferably Hamilton’s, just so he’ll feel guilty. After assuring Mum that no one has to curtsy I hang up and flop onto the bed. I swallow two of the painkillers Brice had given me. The thought of Brice sends a shiver down my spine and a lovely tingle up my thighs and beyond. It also produces a stab in my stomach. How can I meet someone like him now? How bleeding unfair is that? He thinks I’m perfect for him, me, Harriet bleeding Lawson. He likes me for exactly who I am. Every woman’s dream right? My body aches at the thought of him. To think I came close to telling him everything and if Sebastian hadn’t come out at that moment I would have revealed all. Fortunately Margarita hadn’t snuffed it but had just got a rather tough piece of venison stuck in her throat as if the poor stag was taking his final revenge. Brice had quickly lifted her correctly and it had flown straight out of her mouth and landed in Hamilton’s lap. All very fitting I like to think.

Breakfast was a farce. Melanie was laid up with another migraine and Gregory was resting with a virus. Very bloody convenient I found myself thinking. Fiona and Sebastian had gone to check the horses, but I bet they spent more time checking the hay. Honestly, it seems like everyone is at it except Hamilton and I. Although knowing him, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was at it somewhere too. Breakfast was attended by me, Hamilton, Brice and Margarita, and the conversation was dominated by the sodding engagement party which Margarita wants on Friday so everyone can travel home on Sunday.

      ‘We’ll need Saturday to recover,’ she had said.

As for me, I’ll need the rest of my bleeding life to recover. I sigh. Honestly, I have
never sighed so much in my life. Emily quietly enters the room.

     
‘How do you feel Miss Harriet? Is your foot any better today?’

I open one eye to look at her.

      ‘If I asked you to kill me would you? I mean, do you do everything you’re told?’

She giggles.

      ‘Almost everything, but I stop at murder.’

     
‘Think of it as euthanasia, you’d be putting me out of my misery.’

     
‘Come on Miss, you have the shoot this afternoon. Think how much you’ll enjoy that.’

     
‘You like torturing me don’t you?’ I say as Fiona’s mobile starts to ring. Please don’t let it be the Jacks. I pick it up and see Alistair’s name flashing on the screen. Not as bad but bad enough.

     
‘Hello Alistair, Fiona isn’t here I’m afraid she’s, she’s …’ Christ, what exactly is she doing?

     
‘How’s the business trip going?’ I say to distract him.

     
‘I’m b-b-b- …’

     
‘Bored?’ I offer.

     
‘B-back,’ he says.

I sit up.

      ‘Back,’ I echo, ‘but I thought you were away all week?’

     
‘W-w-w- …’

     
‘I said I thought you were away all week.’

     
‘You d-d-don’t have to repeat yourself.’

     
‘I thought you were trying to say
what
.’

     
‘W-we got everything done early so I thought I’d j-j-j- …’

     
‘Jump ship?’

Emily gives me a strange look.

      ‘He stammers,’ I whisper. ‘I’m trying to help.’

Where the hell is Fiona when her boyfriend calls?

      ‘J-j-jump on a plane to Scotland. I have a b-b-b- …’

     
‘Christ,’ I say, jumping up and standing on my bad foot. ‘Shit, bleeding foot.’

Emily winces.

      ‘Business proposal for Hamilton and …’

Shit and double shit.

      ‘Can you ask F-Fiona to call me? I’ll be there sometime tomorrow afternoon.’

I may have to beg Emily to kill me. I could offer her the pearls as payment.

      ‘Alistair, I don’t think that is a good idea.’

     
‘Of c-c-course it is. Have you heard from the Jacks?’

I sigh.

      ‘Kind of, but Alistair …’

     
‘Did J-J-J-J- …’

Oh for pit
y’s sake.

     
‘Yes, Jack Diamond has contacted us but we have it …’

     
‘No Julian, did he phone you? He called me and …’

     
‘What,’ I yell, grabbing the dressing table for support and pointing to my crutches for Emily to fetch.

     
‘He said he’s been t-t-t-t- …’ he sighs.

     
‘Tied up?’ I ask feeling a knot in my stomach.

     
‘T-t-tr-tr-trying to reach you on your m-m-mobile.’

     
‘Yeah well, that doesn’t work.’

     
‘He’s got a backer and is c-c-c-c- …’

     
‘Calmer?’

It’s more than I bloody am.

      ‘C-coming home. Are you engaged to Hamilton yet?’

Christ, this is a farce and I’m the main character. Fiona tumbles in all flushed and happy and I throw the mobile at her.

      ‘Your boyfriend,’ I say. ‘He’s coming here tomorrow. Do you want me to shoot you first or after I have shot myself?’

     
‘Shit,’ she grumbles.

     
‘Yes, we’re in it quite deep actually.’

I hobble into the bathroom and fall onto the loo. I don’t believe this. It’s bad enough my parents, and Gary and Caron coming here, without
stuttering Alistair too. I’m a nice person, honest I am. None of this is my fault. I don’t care about money, or restaurants or fancy houses. I just want to be debt free and with a nice boyfriend. On reflection forget the boyfriend. Men are just nothing but trouble.

      ‘I don’t like this,’ mumbles Babyface. ‘Mum wouldn’t ‘alf be cross if she knew.’

     
‘What yer mumbling about?’ snaps Jack Diamond.

     
‘Us being ‘ere, it ain’t right, and yer know it ain’t. We ain’t never done nothin’ like this before.’

     
‘Put a bleedin’ sock in it,’ snarls Mad Jack Junior. ‘Just cos you’re a wimp.’

     
‘I ain’t no wimp,’ protests Babyface. ‘It just ain’t right and I know Mum would be cross.’

     
‘What’s yer bleedin’ mum got to do with anythin’? I’m the boss of this family,’ barks Jack Diamond.

Mad Jack sniggers.

      ‘One more snigger from you and I’ll knock you from ‘ere to kingdom come, got it?’ snarls Diamond.

     
‘Yes Dad.’

They’re sitting crouched in the undergrowth. In the distance they can see Glenwood in all its glory. Diamond stares fascinated. He likes tasteful homes and this is certainly one of those.

      ‘I still don’t think we should be on private property,’ moans Babyface.

     
‘You’re always on sodding private property you knobhead,’ sighs Diamond. ‘When you go to collect protection money you’re on private property ain’t yer?’

Babyface
sighs impatiently.

     
‘Yeah but this is different somehow ain’t it? They’ve probably got bleedin’ dogs and everything. They could go for our bleedin’ throats,’ he says shakily.

Mad Jack fidgets nervously.

      ‘What if Babyface is right Dad? What if they ‘ave vicious dogs?’

Diamond lifts his binoculars to his eyes and studies the house.

      ‘I ain’t seen no dogs,’ he says focusing the lens onto Fiona and Sebastian who have just come out of the house. Jesus bloody Christ, did that pervert just stroke her arse? Honestly these bleedin’ ponces are the worst.

     
‘That don’t mean there ain’t any does it?’ argues Babyface.

Jack turns to his sons.

      ‘Christ, how can I concentrate with all this moaning going on? Now listen, you two knobheads. You do as I tells yer, got that?’

They nod.

      ‘Now, we stay here a bit longer and case the joint, yer both got that? When we think things are cushty we go in. They’re bound to all go out crocheting or to play polio, or whatever the bloody rich and privileged do. When they do we go in.’

     
‘Don’t you mean croqueting,’ corrects Mad Jack. ‘And ain’t it Polo? Polio is an illness Dad.’

     
‘I’ll give you a bloody illness if yer don’t shut it.’

     
‘Well, I don’t like it,’ moans Babyface.

     
‘I told yer, it will be a piece of piss.’

     
‘Yeah, I think Dad’s right. It will be a piece of piss,’ agrees Mad Jack.

     
‘I still don’t like it.’

     
‘What’s a matter with you these days?’ snaps Diamond.

     
‘I just don’t want no Rottweiler tearing at me throat,’ argues Babyface.

Diamond shakes his head.

      ‘I got someone interested in the silver and it ain’t old Mick either. I don’t want me pants pulled down over the price. This time I got us a good deal. So we go for the silver first, got it? Then we leave a nice little note like, thanking old ‘arriet for all ‘er ‘elp.’

     
‘That ain’t fair,’ argues Babyface.

     
‘What yer on about now?’ asks Diamond.

     
‘Christ Babyface, who the ‘ell ‘ad the jam out of your doughnut?’ groans Mad Jack.

     
‘It ain’t ‘arriet’s fault.’

     
‘It ain’t ‘arriet’s fault,’ mimics Mad Jack. ‘Not bleedin’ much.’

     
‘You need to find yourself a proper slapper, and stop ‘ankering over those you can’t ‘ave,’ says Diamond, lifting the binoculars again.

Yeah, this should make him a nice little packet. All they’ve got to do is go in when they’re all out doing whatever it is they do. Most likely the servants have a kip or something. Yeah, that’s it. They’ll go in, nick the silver, leave the note and leg it. They’ll make a few grand on that lot. Not bad for a day’s work. That will teach that prick and his girlfriend to muck Jack Diamond about.