Unworthy (30 page)

     “Where to, Miss?”

     “Newark airport, please.”

     “Sure thing.”

     As the words leave his lips he pulls away from the hospital just as the press are banging on the window trying to get my attention, but what they don’t know is that they really don’t want it, I’m not worth enough for all this attention. We speed through the city and I take a glance inside my bag. I only have a small amount of change, but I have my debit card and I haven’t touched my wages since they increased so I know there will be enough to get me home.

Do I want to go home?

What will I do when I get there? Just finish what I started and make a better job of it. That would be a good idea, all the pain and shame will go away and I could be at peace with nothing to harm me.

     “Miss.”

     “Miss.”  As if by magic I hear the driver’s voice in the distance getting closer and closer to drawing me back to the current situation and as I look out the window I realize that we are already there. I reach forward and give the driver his money before stepping out and rushing to the airport entrance. I have no idea if the members of press would have followed me, but I don’t want to risk it, I don’t want to get caught in their trap. I go through the crowds of people till I can get to a front desk and ask for a ticket back home. Within half an hour I have my ticket and am slowly going through customs just hoping that I can make it to the flight without getting caught. I just want to make it back home to where I feel somewhat comfortable and make sense of everything that has gone on in the last forty eight hours. I’m in love with an amazing man, I have a father and an already made-up family so I should be the happiest person in the world, but I’m not. I am far from happy as I think of everything that has happened since when I think those memories would have happened. Everything my mother has ever told or done to me has messed me up so much that I always doubt my own worth. The reason I hate myself so much, the reason I can’t think that the man I love could love me back is because of everything my mother ever told me. She drowned me in her words for so long that they have imprinted themselves into my inner workings making me so sure that her words are true. I hate her for doing it to me and I hate myself for listening and letting her get to me. I should have been stronger, but I was so young and so desperate for my mother’s love and attention that I would believe anything she would tell me in the hope it would earn me her love. Her love was never there to be given, especially to me. She’s the one that has been damaged so badly that she couldn’t see what she had in front of her was worth fighting for. Just like me she ran away just as the going got tough and just like that I fear I am more like my mother than I ever realized, but the beauty is that I know and hopefully I can work through it. The guard hands me back my passport and I walk through the security gates and through to the departure lounge to take my seat and await my flight.

     I sit there a good hour just watching all the people pass me by as if the world is as good as it’s always been, but for me it has changed so much that I don’t know what to do. I have always had the plan to better my life, to prove my mother wrong, but as I sit there I really don’t know now what I want to do. A part of me is screaming at my senses telling me to take a breather, that I need to go home and just take the time to think through all the things that have happened and make some sense out of it, but that could take me years. Surely it would be an impossible task, too much has gone on for it only to take a few weeks and I know I couldn’t spend that much time without Samuel even if he doesn’t feel the same. And my father, I have a father and a family. For the first time in forever I have a family and hopefully they want to get to know me, but they won’t be able to if I just run. 

     “Grace.”

     “Grace.”

It’s as if the world stops turning as I hear Samuel’s voice, but there is no way he could be here for me. No way.

     “Grace.”

     I turn towards the direction of the voice and he stands at the far corner of the room just by the entrance from passport control looking at me. He stands there like a knight on his steed waiting to come in and rescue me, but can he rescue me from myself. I stand still as I watch him come forward, I can’t move from my spot as if magnets are forcing me to stay for him. He keeps stepping forward, getting closer and closer to me and I feel the anger and fear radiate off him like a furnace and I still can’t quite believe he is here. His eyes are as black as night as they digest every inch of me, taking me all in as if I should be different, but I am still the same messed-up girl as before, but now I have a better understanding of why. As if my mother’s reasons can be good enough. Before I know it he’s mere inches from me and I can feel his breath against my skin leaving those tingles as if it’s the first day we met all over again.

     “What are you doing here?” I ask and I still can’t believe he’s here. He steps forward and takes both my hands in his and I feel instantly safe, nothing can hurt me when he’s near, he’s like my own knight just waiting to rescue me. I wish he could.

     “What am I doing here? I should be asking you that.”  I can’t answer him and all I can do is just stand there trying to look at anything but him, but as he’s so close it’s an impossible task. I raise my shoulders in response as I can’t think of what to say to him and he just continues to stare, waiting for my answer, but I have nothing to say.

     “Do you know what I think Grace? I think you got scared.” My eyes begin to well up with water as he just watches me with an intense look that should make me feel afraid, but as with everything else to do with this man, it doesn’t.

     “Am I right?” All I can do is nod my head and I’m unaware of the departure lounge filling with more people.

     “I would be scared too. You have had so many things happening in your life, but what you don’t seem to understand is that you can deal with it. I know it’s all so much to take in but that could be a good thing there’s nothing to be scared of and I will be there with you through it.” He stops as if he’s worried about what to say next and he takes in one deep breath.

     “If you want me?” And he has a pleading look on his face as if he doesn’t think I would want him.

     “Want you. Of course I would want you, but I don’t deserve you.” He attempts to talk, but I take my hand away from his and place a finger on his lips to quieten him.

     “I’m unworthy of you. I mean you’re Samuel Harding for Christ’s sake and I’m a nobody, who’s only just found out who her father is. All my life I’ve been labeled the worst child alive and then a teenager, my mother never loved me and when I need her she turns her back on me. No-one has ever given me the time of day.” Tears are freefalling and every now and then I am aware of a flash of light, but I am completely oblivious to what’s going on around me. All that matters is Samuel and getting out what I need to say so I can tell him once and for all what’s going on in my mixed-up head.

     “I..I don’t deserve you. I...I’m unworthy of you and you don’t deserve to be mixed up with someone like me.” His eyes are fixed on mine and without even looking away he removes my finger and gives it a small kiss before placing both his hands on my face, cocooning me within his safe bubble where it is just us and I feel like I am home. I want this to be my home so badly, but I can’t be selfish and bring him down with me because down is all I have and ever will know.

     “Can I talk now please?” He keeps me within our bubble and all I can do is keep eye contact because I need to remember this for when he leaves me.

     “I don’t care about all that because it doesn’t matter. All that matters to me is what’s in here.” He places a hand on my forehead and then removes it to place it over my heart.

     “And here and what I’ve found is that you’re the most amazing woman in the world. You’ve been through so much, people have been horrible to you, but even so you have come through it all with a heart of gold which only sees the good in people. You have it all, Grace, you just don’t see it, but I want to spend the rest of my life showing you and loving you the way you deserve. Let me show you, Grace.” He rubs his nose against mine.

     “You say you’re unworthy? Then I’m unworthy because you’ve shown me so much. You’ve shown me the type of man I want to be, you’ve put beauty in my life where all it ever was, was grey. I want to be with you. I want to have a family with you; I want you to be the first and last thing I see every day. I want to be with you always.” He lets go of my face and takes a step back from me and I instantly panic that he regrets what he has just said. He looks around us with a big smile on his face and I take a moment to see what’s going on around us. We are in the middle of a sea of people with cameras held straight at us and all I want to concentrate on is the man in front of me who takes one of my hands. He looks at me and then at all the people around us.

     “I love this woman. I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her and you know what? All that bullshit you wrote about her is all lies so why don’t you write this. This amazing woman is the light of my life, she’s been through hell and back, but she’s come out of it the most amazing woman in the world even when so many people were against her, even her own mother. This woman.” And he raises our joined hands so everyone can see.

     “This woman is the one. This woman is the woman I want to spend my life with.”  I’m shaking all over as the man I love makes a fool of himself to stick up for me. I watch in awe as he speaks and then drops to one knee.

     “I didn’t want to ask you like this and I have had a while to think of the right way, but this feels right and I want the world to see how much I love you. Grace, you have opened my world to a life I didn’t see myself having, but with you I want it. I want it till the day I die and no matter what happens to us I want us to fight together.” He takes a breath.

     “Grace Ford, will you please say you’ll be my wife.” I must look like an ugly mess as all I can do is cry and nod my head. This man, the man I thought I wasn’t good enough for, wants a life with me. He doesn’t care about my past he wants a future with me anyway and for the first time in forever I want to take the risk. I want to take the risk for me; I want someone to love me and me to love them in return. As scary as it is I don’t want to be that scared girl any longer, I think I should have had enough of playing that role. Samuel would be worth it.

     “Y….yes.”

     “Yes?” He asks with a questioning look.

     “Yes.” I say again and Samuel gets up from his knee and picks me up while spinning me around. When he stops he looks up longingly into my eyes and I know that everything will be OK.

He loves me and my past is just that. The Past.

EPILOGUE

SIX YEARS LATER

GRACE

     It’s been nearly seven years since my life changed. The first time I met Samuel Harding I never thought he would affect my life in the way he has. He has completely changed my life for the better, he loves me unconditionally and since that moment he has made me feel safe and protected. I’m loved not only by my husband, but by my entire new family. I have a family that has opened its arms in full force and made me feel so welcome and loved that I never could have hoped for more. After Samuel proposed we had a long road to get through, but we made it. We traveled back to Europe the following day to see how the new developments were going and we stayed there till the December. We both worked hard, but we were together and in that time Samuel organized for me to see a therapist who he flew over just for me and I began to slowly work through all the years of pain and tears. The therapist helped me to see that it wasn’t my fault, I was just doing the best with what I was given, and that I shouldn’t allow the words that I had always heard affect my life. She gave me new coping mechanisms and with the help of my anti-depressants I was feeling more human for the first time. I was beginning to see that I was worthy of Samuel’s love and the new relationship with my father and his children. With the help of my therapist and Samuel I began to write emails to my new father telling him all about my childhood and how I was scared. We learned so much about each other through those months of emails that by the time Samuel and I got back for Christmas I felt like I knew him so well. The whole family welcomed me with open arms and I felt like I belonged. We spent our first New Year’s in Vegas where at the stroke of midnight we were pronounced man and wife. When we arrived back in New York we had a party with all the family and I had never been happier. We have been happily married ever since, just like that day. Like the rest of the family we live within the grounds of the large estate and we have welcomed our children.

     “Mommy, Mommy, Daddy said I could have some ice-cream.” I look into the face of my three-year-old daughter who looks so much like her father that I can’t help, but melt a little at her cute smile.