Unworthy (22 page)

     “Grace, this is my mom, my dad and my sisters Nicola, Kimberley and Laura. I shake hands with everyone.

     “Mr. and Mrs. Harding, thank-you ever so much for letting me come.” Mrs. Harding takes a hold of my hand and she gives me a warm smile while she says

     “Oh, my dear, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you and please just call us Sue and Edward. No need for the Mr. and Mrs.” I return her smile and I can feel Samuel watching me until there’s a shout from the other end of the hallway and little figures enter.

     “Uncle Sammy.”

     “Hi, little dude.” I watch as Samuel picks up the smallest child, a little boy with the bluest eyes and cutest little smile I have ever seen. There must be at least five other children running around the adults, screaming with glee just as two males come through to join the party.

     “Where’s Aaron?” One of Samuel’s sisters asks the men that have just joined us.

     “He’s still outside with Caitlin. She wanted to go swimming.”

     “Swimming?” One of the younger children asks.

     “I want to go swimming.” The little boy who is trying to get away from Samuel’s hold says.

     “Alright, alright, you lot.” Says the sister who I think is called Nicola to the children, and she leads them all back outside where I presume the pool is located. I feel Samuel take hold of my hand again as everyone else follows the children and he turns me around to look at him.

     “Are you OK?”

     “I’m fine. Your family is lovely.”

     “They are, but they can be a bit much sometimes and just wait till you meet my uncle’s side.”

     “There’s more?” I ask and even I can hear the concern in my voice. Idiot, that’s a great way to make him think you’re stupid or dread where I come from because he will know. I’m shocked when I once again hear a small sound of laughter escape his lips and I can’t help but notice what a lovely sound it is and the desperate need to want it to come from him again.  He places both hands on my cheeks and draws me in for a small kiss and when he pulls away, his innocent smile draws me in further than I have been before.

      “Yes, there’s more, but they’ll all love you.” He taps a finger on the tip of my nose as he takes a hold of my hand again and leads me through the house to outside where the rest of his family are gathered.  The garden is dominated by a massive pool and so much child-friendly equipment, with other houses in the distance.  Wooden pieces of equipment are situated all over the place with swings, slides, ropes and tents. It’s as if I have stepped through into a child’s theme park. Near the entrance to the rear of the property where we just walked through is a gorgeous garden table and a large barbecue station where Samuel’s father and another man are talking. There are more people outside and so many children running around having lots of fun. Samuel introduces me to everyone and I get the odd feeling that I actually belong here, which is ridiculous as I have only just met them.  I meet all three of his cousins and I can’t help, but notice how similar one of them looks to me. Just like his sisters the other women in Samuel’s life all have husbands and children and they are all so welcoming. All the females seem to be quite taken aback at the fact that Samuel has actually come with someone else. When he introduces me to his uncle who is still standing by his father I am taken aback. Not in a horrible sense at all, but in the fact that I feel drawn to him in some sense, but if I were honest with myself I felt it as soon as I had met the members of this wonderful family.  An hour after we arrive everyone sits down to eat and the food is amazing. I normally feel uneasy eating in front of people, but I strangely feel at ease while everyone else digs in, talking about what’s going on in their lives.  All the men in the family have a role to play within the business, but it’s Samuel as the only son who is being groomed to take over. I feel sorry for him with all the pressure that the role will bring, but as I look around the people and hear them talking about it I get the sense that he’s not in it alone and his father and uncle seem relaxed and calm around the subject. As much as there are high expectations for him and the business, no-one is forcing. It’s refreshing to see and I can tell by Samuel’s relaxed attitude that he is grateful. We must be sat around the table for at least an hour, the wine and food going down well, and I just listen to all the conversations. Everyone all gets on with everyone else and there is just a sense of family togetherness as they laugh and cry together. I can feel Samuel’s hand encase mine the entire time and then squeeze in comfort when his uncle asks me a question.

     “What’s your family like, Grace?” Oh God, what do I say? I can feel my hand begin to shake and I am sure Samuel is aware as he still has a hold of my hand.

     “U…um.” I take in a deep breath.

     “I don’t really have much of a family, it was always just my mum and me until my stepfather came along.” I can feel all their eyes on me, especially Samuel’s, but I try not to think about it as I avert my eyes down to my lap. I feel Samuel’s fingers at my chin lifting it up and forcing me to meet his eyes.

     “You never told me that.” I try not to look too guilty, but I can’t help it and all I can manage to say is

     “There’s nothing to say.”

     I can see his eyes taking me all in and not believing all I tell him. I do want to tell him, I would love to have the confidence to dive into my past and let loose all the fears and anger I have felt for myself, but Samuel doesn’t deserve that, no one deserves to have to listen to that, so I have always just kept it within myself, allowing myself to drown within.

     “It’s you and me, Grace. You can tell me anything.”  There’s those types of words again, making me afraid that his feelings are growing just like mine, but I know there is no way they are as deep. Out of the corner of my eye I see Sue stand up and begin to pick up plates and I attempt to do the same. Before I go to follow her I give Samuel a smile as I think back over what he has said and try to figure out what it means. Sue and I work together to load everything in the dishwasher as two of Samuel’s sisters keep coming back with more to load. It seems to be a never-ending job, but Sue softens the blow as she describes what Samuel was like as a child. I can’t help, but laugh when she describes a four-year-old Samuel dressing up in his sisters’ clothing, trying to get them to play with him, or when as he got a little older he tried to run around the garden with his willy between his legs shouting I’m a girl too, boys smell. As we walk back out to the garden I can’t stop myself from laughing.

     “What have you two been talking about?” Samuel asks and his mother steps around to him and gives him a kiss on the head while she answers him.

     “Only telling Grace what you used to get up to, darling.” Samuel looks at his mum and then at me back to his mother again and I can’t help more giggles escaping my lips as I watch his expression of fear.

     “Mom, you didn’t. Grace don’t listen to her, its all lies.”

     “Even dressing up in your sisters’ clothes?” I ask with a questioning look as everyone else laughs including Samuel. We all stop when we hear another voice.

     “So this is the famous Grace.” We all look toward the other end of the garden where an older couple sits with a young woman around the same age as Samuel’s older sister who must be around eleven years older than him. Samuel leans in and says.

     “That’s Kate. Her parents are very close friends of my parents. We all grew up together and so she thinks she’s special to me.” I can’t help, but watch while she and her parents talk to Samuel’s and I can’t help, but feel in fear. We stay at the table for another forty minutes until I have to excuse myself to go to the bathroom. Samuel leads the way through his family home and I am overwhelmed by the size of the place and its beauty. He takes me the long way round to his bedroom where it’s all decorated blue and the New York Nicks dominate the walls. He opens a door at the far corner of the room before he places his hands on my waist.

     “Are you having a good time?”

     “Yes, I’m having a great time. Your whole family are lovely.”

     “You’re lovely.” He says before he kisses my lips, taking complete control as he does, leaving me breathless as he pulls away.

     “I’ll meet you back downstairs, OK?”

     “O…OK.”  I watch as he leaves his room and I hurriedly do my business and then I make my way back through the house to the main hallway where I see her waiting for me.  As she steps closer to me I can’t help, but notice how perfect she is. Slim figure, long blond hair with a beautifully made-up face and clothes that tell me she has money. She is everything I am not and everything that Samuel really should deserve. Everything that I have ever tried to ignore about myself suddenly rears its ugly face and I can hear the shouts of my mother tell me how useless I am or how I’m an ugly piece of shit. My fingers go straight for the band at my wrist without me even realizing I am doing it.

     “Well, if it isn’t the famous Grace.” She says with a snide attitude in her voice.

     “I’m sorry; you have me at a disadvantage?”

     “I know I do. I’ve heard so much about you I just had to meet you.” There is no suggestion that she even feels I have a right to know her name and she carries on her little speech as if I’m not even there or if she were talking to a piece of dirt that she has to be rid of.

     “You do know that you’re just a phase, a distraction. He won’t stay with you for long, he never does, but he always comes back to me.”  I watch as her eyes roam up and down my body making me feel instantly uneasy as she begins to laugh.

     “I mean, what on earth can he see in you?” She suddenly turns on her heel and I watch her perfectly-sized bum strut away like she is a God and I’m left an emotional mess. I know what she said is right, I have thought it since I first met him, but to have someone as perfect as her actually say it to me makes it all come crashing to a head and I just want to leave, but I am in a completely different country with no means to get home.

Why do I have to be me?

Why do I have to be as messed up and unworthy as I am?

CHAPTER TWENTY SIX

SAMUEL

     I find that I have to control myself so much as she stands there in my childhood room. My dick has hardened to the point of pain just watching her taking my old room in. She is so beautiful and the longer the time I spend with her the more the longing of wanting to tell her I love her grows with an intensity I can’t understand. She looked so carefree and happy as she sat with my family listening to old stories of our lives and I want her to know a lot more and be involved in future memories. I want a future with this woman; I want to be the one who makes her laugh and smile every day for the rest of our lives together. But I know that there is no way she is ready to hear that yet just as I know she isn’t ready to hear me say I love her. I find that I want to shout it from the rooftops, but I know that if I tell her she will run for the hills. There is still so much of her I don’t know, a secret life she is determined to keep hidden within the depths of her soul. I know that is the reason she is the way that she is and why she always goes for that fucking band on her wrist. Although as I think about it I realize I haven’t seen her do it for a while. Maybe unbeknownst to the two of us I am helping her, I can only hope that one day she can trust me enough to tell me about the horrors I know she must have faced as a child. I don’t know what they were, but I know if I ever get to meet her mother she could be the first woman I break a rule for apart from her daughter. Of course, this rule was completely different from all the other rules I have ever had in place to keep women out.

Never hit a woman.

The more I think of a smaller version of Grace being in pain, the more I have the need to find her mother and confront her. How could a parent do so much damage to their own child? You only have to see the type of woman that Grace has grown up to be to know that there are too many issues there and the thought makes me sick. I make my way down to the bottom of the stairs and I can see my father and uncle come through the kitchen door.

     “Can we have a word in my office, son?”

     “Of course, Dad.” And I follow the two men down the hall to my father’s office, the place where he can have some quiet time away from the rest of the family. It suddenly occurs to me that I hope that one day this will be me finding refuge and sanctuary in my own office while Grace looks after our children. The feeling leaves an instant glow to my heart and I can only pray that when she is ready Grace will want that too.  The three of us step into my father’s office and we all take our seats around the desk.

     “What’s up, old men?”

     “Enough of the old, son.” Even though my father tries to use the stern voice from my childhood the three of us can’t help but laugh.