Unworthy (27 page)

When we get there no-one on reception seems to know anything about the woman I love. It makes me so mad that all I want to do is hit something with all my might. The woman on reception looks through her computer like it’s the same old day as normal, but for me she is holding my future in the palm of her hand and she couldn’t care less.

     “That’s the woman I love, could you work quicker please.” The woman looks up at me and she looks like she may cry. Well, join the club. I feel my uncle’s calming influence as he places a hand upon my shoulder as he speaks.

     “We’ll just go sit over here. Can you please tell us once you know anything?”

     “Of course, sir.” I hear the young lady say as my uncle and father walk me over to a far corner and that’s where we stay for what feels like days as we wait for any type of news. The lady from reception nervously comes over to us to ask for Grace’s insurance information and I just watch as my father takes the forms and attempts to fill them in, but like with everything else to do with the woman I hardly know anything. I know one important thing though, I love her and I can’t lose her. Again hours or days just seem to go by with no news and I can feel the intense tension in my head get ready to erupt.

     “Edward?” We all look up at the same time as a man around the same age as my father steps towards us with a sad look and the panic begins to rise within me as I feel my heart stop. The doctor gestures for us to follow him and he leads us over to a private room.

     “What’s going on, doc?”

     “We’ve moved her to a room, she needs her rest. She didn’t lose as much blood as we feared which is good, but her cuts are deeper than we would like, we’ve had to use stiches on some of them. As no one knows too much about her we had to ask for her records from England, her father is marked as unknown her mother as a positive.” The doctor seems a little unsure how to say what he wants to next. His whole body has gone tense and I can actually hear him breathing.

     “Edward, do you remember about seventeen years ago you asked me look out for a young woman and a little girl of a certain appearance?”

     “Yes.” My father responds and I have a clue where this might be going.

     “Well I never found anything till know. Miss Ford has an unusual blood type, one that I have only seen in a few like you.” The doctor stares at my uncle, but before the doctor can say anymore my uncle begins to speak.

     “Oh my God. I knew it. Just take my blood and let’s find out for sure.”

     “Can we see her?” I nervously ask.

     “Of course. I will get someone over to do the blood test and then they can show you to her room. Just to warn you, she must be a very mixed-up young woman, she’s going to need a lot of help especially if the blood test comes back positive.”

     “We’ll be here for her.” My father says and with that the doctor walks off to organize the blood test.

CHAPTER THIRTY ONE

GRACE

     I slowly wake to the sound of a constant bleeping that gives me a headache. As I take in my surroundings I realize that I must be in the hospital as memories come flooding back.

     “Grace, you’re awake.”

     “I’m so sorry.” I say as I try to wipe away the tears as I remember what I had tried to do. I tried to end my life, I can remember the fear I had felt at the thought of my past rearing its ugly head and how I would cope yet again with the consequences of something that wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t my fault, none of it was my fault, but the one person who I loved with all my heart and who I thought would protect me failed me instead.

     “Why did you do it?”

     “It’s so confusing; I wouldn’t know where to start.”  Just then the door to my room opens and I can see Samuel’s father and uncle enter my room with a doctor.

     “How are you feeling, Miss Ford?”

     “I feel a little weak, but apart from that.”

     “Have you tried anything like this before?” The doctor asks. I take in a deep breath as I think of telling a room of men something that only a few know.

     “U…..um.”

     “Miss Ford, I know this is hard for you, but we need to know the truth. You need help and the only way we can do that is if you tell us.”  I know what he says is true, but last time no-one cared about me and the only way I could help myself was to become invisible and just blend into the background as if my whole world hadn’t been ripped apart. The doctor comes close to my bed and gently places a hand on my own as he takes a seat at the end of my bed.

     “I’ve seen this before you know. Someone gets rushed into the hospital thinking they have no way out other than to end it. We fix them up physically, but mentally they don’t accept the help we offer and a few weeks down the line they come back, but there’s nothing we can do to save them. They succeed and they leave behind a distraught family. I’ve seen it far too often. I’ve seen your records. I know you have no-one, but you have three men in this room and a whole family that want to love you. Let us help you, but the only way is to open up.” I try to look around the room at the men that stand there watching me and I can see through the tears that block my eyes that they are all concerned for me. Apart from Samuel I have never had anyone concerned for me and I can feel more tears well up in my eyes as the old ones freefall down my cheeks. I try to wipe them away, but it doesn’t seem to do anything, 

     “Y….yes.”

     “Why did you do it?”

     “Something happened and I was blamed. I couldn’t take all the comments and all the looks so I went to the local river, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it; I was fifteen and too scared.”

     “Were you prescribed anything to help?”

     “They did, but they made me feel worse to begin with and once I was eighteen I couldn’t afford to pay for them any longer.” I can see the doctor look at me and then look at my chart.

     “Weren’t your parents around to help you? Help with the prescription costs.”

     “I never knew my father and my mother couldn’t care less.”

     “Miss Ford, you need to talk to someone about this. I think keeping it locked in as you have has made you feel worse. Like I said, you have a family here that would like to help; I think you should give them the opportunity.” The doctor looks back at his chart again and I can feel the other three men in the room watching me.

     “You didn’t lose too much blood, but enough to make you feel weak. I would like to keep you in overnight. Miss Ford, I’m going to arrange for one of our counselors to come see you while you are here. It’s very important that you talk about your emotions.” Before I can say anything about my fears about talking to a stranger, the doctor is out the door. I can feel a hand over the top of mine and as I look up I can see Samuel’s hand over mine.

     “You don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to, but at least talk to the people who love you.” I look at the three of them with confusion.

     “W….what?” I whisper. “You can’t. What about all the things those newspapers said. You should hate me...”

Edward steps forward and places a hand on his son’s shoulder.

     “Grace, my darling, we couldn’t hate you. You’re a part of our family.” I look up at him with confusion, I’m a nobody to this family, they don’t owe me anything so why are they being so kind? His words sound like anything, but lies. Edward stands up and removes his hand from his son’s shoulder and places it on his brother’s.

     “How can you say that? You don’t know me.” They all smile at me as if they know more than I do just as his uncle steps forward.

     “Grace, we know you more than you think.” I look around at them, completely confused and both older men look towards Samuel and then me just before Samuel’s dad talks.

     “We’ll leave the two of you to talk.” And with that statement the two men who I have grown to love as much as I assume you could a father leave me with Samuel. We both watch the older men leave and once the door closes behind them Samuel looks towards me.

     “Can you tell me what happened?”

     I begin to shake uncontrollably as I imagine the hate I will shortly see in Samuel’s eyes once I’ve told him. As much as I don’t want to speak, the doctor’s speech has made its home in my head and I can’t get rid of it. He’s right, I know he is, I need help and the only way to get that is to tell someone what happened to me. I take a deep breath and decide to start with my earliest memory.

     “I don’t know if it’s a memory or just a dream, but when I was really young, probably about three and half or four, I’m sure mum used to work for a rich couple. This one day the owners of the home were having an argument and saying such horrible things to one another and then the next thing I knew we were being forced out. My mother hated me for that; she let me know that our perfect life had been ruined because of me.” Samuel’s eyes look at me with surprise and then he removes his hand from mine.

     “Grace, do you mind if I get my father and uncle back in here?”

     “Why?” I barely whisper, it’s hard enough to tell him this side of me let alone his family. Samuel looks at me with a smile and again places his hand over the top of mine as he begins to talk with a gentle tone.

     “Grace, I know this is hard, but I think my father and uncle need to hear this.” He takes in a deep breath before he continues.

     “Not many people know this, only the family really, but I think you need to hear it and my father and uncle need to hear about your memories. It could be a complete coincidence, but I think both you and my uncle could get some answers.” I begin to shake my head as I try to make sense of Samuel’s declaration, I reach for my wrist to begin pulling and releasing the band, but it isn’t there. I look down and my fears have been confirmed. Where is it? I need it, that’s how I control my emotions, by using that band and it’s gone. I can hear my breathing become faster as I try to take in more oxygen as the walls close in around me. My body heats up and I can’t help but fidget within the confines of my sheets and the bed. I keep my eyes closed shut as my fingers fiddle around my wrists and each other as I sit there. I’m unaware of where I am or what is going on around me or even how much time passes as I concentrate on taking in as much oxygen as I can. In the distance I can hear a gentle voice, but I can’t make out what it’s saying to me or even who it belongs to, but I try with all my might to concentrate on the voice and soon I begin to recognize that it is Samuel.

     “Breathe, Grace.”

     “Just breathe for me.”

     “I………in and out, In and out for me.”

     “I….in and out.”

     “Well done. You’re doing really well.” I can feel Samuel’s fingers lightly touch my back, running them slowly up and down, easing my breathing as he does it along with his words.

     “I…in and out.”

     “Well done, Grace.”

     “Well done.”

     I slowly begin to open my eyes and I can see Samuel sat by the side of me, his fingers still running up and down my back. As I raise my eyes to see him more closely I can see he looks so scared and worried and I feel a sense of embarrassment wash over me and I can’t help the tears that begin to fall from my eyes. My mother’s words repeat themselves in my head over and over and I want so desperately to take it out on my wrist, but I know my source is no longer there and I try to take in a deep breath as I try to control my needs.

     “It’s alright, Grace.”

     “I’m here, I’ll always be here.” The tears continue to fall and I dare not look up and see that look on his face, the look I put there.

      “I….I…I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

     “Hey, it’s ok.” We just sit there for what feels like hours until it gets too much and I succumb to my tiredness and fall asleep in the arms of the man I love.

SAMUEL

I can’t help, but like the way she feels in my arms.

We were doing fine right up till she went to reach for that fucking band. She has been doing so well without it and now it was like we were back to square one. Grace has never been one to give up information on her past, but I can tell her mother has really fucked her up. My father has read the newspaper articles and it confirms that her mother saw the pictures of her daughter with me and decided to sell her daughter out to the highest bidder and it sickens me to the very core. How could she do that to her own child? My uncle recognized the woman’s picture at once and now thinks that Grace is the one he has been looking for almost eighteen years. After what Grace told me of her memories I’m starting to think he could be right, but how will Grace take it? I want my uncle to get his wish, but not at the cost of Grace. If this really is what we think it is I have no idea how Grace will cope. We have no idea what happened to her as a child, but if she can try and kill herself because of it than it can’t be good. How could a woman treat her child so badly that said child could do things like that to herself? I can hear and feel the steady breaths that Grace makes and I know that she is finally asleep. I very gently lay her back down into the bed and pull the sheets up around her and I can’t help. but fall more in love with her as I watch her sleeping. She so beautiful and kind and it makes me so angry to think that anyone could want to hurt her. I can’t for one minute think that what those newspapers suggest is true. There is no way that the young woman I have grown to love would call rape on an innocent man. That’s not what Grace is like and I can’t understand how a woman could say such lies about her own daughter. I step away from the bed and make my way to the door. As I step through I can see my father and uncle waiting outside for me.