Until Lilly (7 page)

“That’s going to change.” She turns to face me
; the pain in her eyes is so raw that my gut clenches.

“I trusted you. I loved you. You destroyed me. If I hadn’t had Ashlyn
, who knows what would have happened.”

“I know. I destroyed myself when I left you. I didn’t know what else to do
. Jax’s mom was threatening to have an abortion. I always wanted you. I missed you every day, but I did what I had to do to protect my son. Wouldn’t you do whatever is necessary to protect Ashlyn?”

“Yes.” I could see tears spring to her eyes.

“You have been the only woman besides my family who I have ever loved. I never wanted to hurt you, Lilly, and I will find a way to prove to you that things are different this time. But we will work this out. You are my one. I gave you up once, but that will never happen again.” I pull her into me, holding her close. She is stiff for a second before her body relaxes.

“Why can’t I hate you?”
Her words are quiet, and I can hardly make them out.

I whisper into her ear before kissing her under it,
“Because I am your one, too.”

Chapter 3

Lilly

“Mommy
, why do you keep talking to yourself?” I look down at Ashlyn, who is sitting on the floor playing with the doll that Cash brought her the first time he came to visit. Since then, he has been here three times with Jax so we could all have dinner together. I have been so afraid to trust what’s going on between us, but it feels so right. He hasn’t kissed me since he had me pinned against the wall, but he never lets me get too far away from him, and if we’re out in public, he is always touching me. I feel safe and cared for. I feel exactly how I felt the last time we were together, and I think that’s what scares me the most.

“I'm not talking to myself
,” I say, even though I know I have been. I am so nervous I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin. I have spent the day baking cookies, a cake, and two pies, trying to rid myself of the nervous energy that is coursing through me. I hear the knock at the door, so I run and unlock it before even checking to make sure who it is.

“You didn’t check the peephole
,” Cash says quietly.

“Hi
, honey,” I say, running my hand down Jax’s hair as he hugs my legs before heading inside.

“I knew it was you
,” I say, taking a step back.

“You didn’t know it was me. You didn’t call out my name
, or check the peephole. Don’t do that shit when you and Ashlyn are here alone. This is a bad area, and if something happens to you, I'm going to be pissed.”

“You always say that.
‘I’m going to be pissed.’ When was the last time you were pissed?” I ask. His head tilts, studying me.

“I don’t know
. A while, why? You trying to piss me off?”

“What
? No!” I squeal as he leans in, pressing me to the wall behind me.

“You have a perfect ass
, babe.”

“What?” I breathe
, feeling goose bumps form across my skin.

“I can’t wait to get my hands on it and turn it red
, so please, try to piss me off. It will just get me what I want faster.” I feel moisture flood between my thighs at his comment. I have never been spanked, and I don’t understand why that turns me on, but it does.

“You did not just say that.”

“You smell good.” He runs him nose from my ear to my shoulder.

“Daddy
, what are you doing?” Jax asks. I jump and look at Ashlyn and Jax, who are both staring at us. Cash slides his arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him.

“Are you guys ready to go?” Jax look
s between us before shrugging, and Ashlyn smiles.

“I have to grab my bag.” I step away.

“I forgot to tell you that we are now having the Bar-b-que at Asher’s because they have a pool, so you should pack a suit.

“Yay
! Swimming!” Ashlyn jumps up and down.

“We don’t have swim suits
,” I say, looking at Cash.

“Okay
, so we can stop on the way and pick something up.”

“Are you sure?  I don’t want to be late.”

“It’s no big deal. Grab your bag and we can head out.”

*~*~*

“I'm not wearing that.” I roll my eyes at Cash, who keeps trying to hand me bikinis.

“
Why not? What’s wrong with this one?” He holds it out, looking at the front then the back.

“It
’s missing a huge chunk…like, the whole middle section,” I tell him, picking up another one-piece and checking the size. Cash is pushing the cart, with both of the kids sitting in the large basket.

“You’re kidding
, right?”

“Nope.” I put the suit over my arm
. I already found Ashlyn one, so we could go to check out.

“You have a beautiful body.”

“I had a child and not everything went back to the way it was before. And please, don’t start. I'm not one of those girls who’s all like, ‘I'm fat blah, blah, blah’. It’s not that. It’s just, I jiggle now, and I don’t really want to jiggle in front of anyone but myself.”

“Buy both and let me be the judge.”

“Um, no,” I say, walking in front of the cart and heading to check out. Once there, I notice that I'm at the end and Cash is near the cashier. “Hey, I can pay.” I walk up to the checker and look at Cash. “Those are mine; I'm paying.”

“No
, you have done enough. I'm paying.”

“Cash.” I try to give him a warning.

“Lilly.” He puts his hand to the back of my neck, pulling me close.

“I have missed out o
n this. Don’t argue with me about it, okay?”

“Fine.” I roll my eyes just to say I don’t agree
. He kisses me on the forehead, drops his hand, and turns back to the cashier. Once he pays, we head out to his truck. We both get the kids buckled in before getting into the front of the cab. I can’t keep still; my leg keeps bouncing up and down. I am so nervous about meeting his family. I know they probably hate me for keeping Ashlyn from them. I wonder what he has told them. We have spoken a few times over the past week about his marriage and how much his family hates his ex. I don’t want them to hate me. My biggest fear is them thinking that I kept Ashlyn away from Cash out of spite, and not out of my need to protect her. I hate that he was married, and knowing that if I would have swallowed my own pride, he would have been there for Ashlyn. But I have to believe that everything happens the way it should. When I called my mom yesterday, she wasn’t happy about the way things were going between Cash and me. She thought I was letting him off the hook. I know she’s right; I also know that I can’t be that woman who would hold it over his head. Even if we weren’t together, I couldn’t do that. It isn’t in me to act like that. I know if I held onto the pain of our past, it would eat away at me.

“Babe
, calm down,” Cash says, bringing me back to the moment.

“Sorry
, I’m just nervous.”

“My family will love you.” He grabs my hand
, the warmth from his touch settling my nerves.

“I doubt that
,” I say quietly, looking into the backseat, noticing the kids are quiet. They both have headphones on and are watching a show on the small screen hanging from the roof of the truck.

“I know
they will.” He squeezes my hand.

“Do they hate me?”

“What? No, they don’t hate you.”

“But I
—” I start but he interrupts me.

“You did what you thought you had to do.” I look at him when he takes his hand away from mine to hold onto the steering wheel
. I watch, as his knuckles turn white with his grip. “I fucking hate this.” His words are so harsh that I can feel pain in them. “I hate that if I had chosen you, I wouldn’t have Jax. I hate what I did, and that I lost you and Ashlyn.”

“Hey,” I say quietly
, running my hand down his arm. “Please, don’t do that. We both could have done a lot of things differently.”

“You know
, I think I would feel better if you would flip out.”

I start laughing
. I can’t help it; he doesn’t know what he’s asking for. “No, you don’t,” I say, looking out the front window of the truck.

“I used to love it when you would get pissed.” I look at him
, seeing him smile. “Sometimes I would egg you on just so I would have a reason to settle you down.” I clench my thighs together at the memory his words provoke.

“You used to make me so mad.” I smile.

“I think you liked getting mad at me as much as I liked making you mad.” I laugh at the stupidity of it, even though he is so right. I used to love when he ended a fight between us. “We were good together.” I bite my lip against the pain those words cause. I feel him reach over and grab my knee.

“Give us a chance to get back there.” I want to
, more than anything I have ever wanted, but I don’t know if it’s possible. We’re not the same people we were back then. We both have responsibilities that go way beyond just the two of us. I look over at him when I feel his fingers flex around my thigh. “I know that we have a lot to work on, and I know that it’s going to take time for us to rebuild what was broken, but I also know that if we do, we will have something that is beyond anything that either of us thought possible.”

“I just
,” I pause, clearing my throat, “I just need time.”

“Time I can give you
, as long as I know that when the time’s up, we’re in the same place.” Tears start to fill my eyes.

“I don’t know if I can get lost in you again
,” I whisper, looking down at his hand.

“We
’re going to be lost together; you won’t be alone.” I look at him; he takes his eyes off the road for a second and all I see is honesty.

“Okay
,” I say, and look back out the window. As we turn, there is an old barn and a long dirt road that looks like it leads to nowhere. Then we come over a small hill and the most amazing house appears in front of us. It’s a large log home with a wraparound porch that’s lifted off the ground with cars parked underneath it.

“Wow
, this is beautiful.”

“Yeah
, Asher built it. We all helped, but most of the interior he did alone.” We park on the side of the driveway. There are two cars, a couple of Jeeps, and a large truck parked there as well. I look around, seeing that everyone is here before us, and just like that, my nerves are back and I feel like I might vomit. I hop out of the truck. Opening the back door, Jax is already out of his seat and is helping Ashlyn with her buckles.

“You ready?” Cash says
, opening his arms so he can carry both of them. I reached in, starting to grab bags and everything else. “Baby, don’t worry. I’ll come back out.” When he gives me ‘the look’, I reluctantly set a couple of the bags back down and grab the pie. Before we even make it to the stairs, the front door swings open and a beautiful older woman with chin-length brown hair steps out onto the porch. She is slim and tall, and has on a pair of khaki shorts and a white button up shirt, with simple sandals on her feet.

“You’re here
!” she cries, running out to greet us. She doesn’t stop at Cash, who is in front of me; she runs right to me, her hands going to my shoulder. “I’m Susan. Oh my, you’re so pretty, and I love your hair.” She pulls me forward, making me stumble into her. My arms try to go around her, but the bags in my hand, along with the pie I'm trying not to drop to the ground, are making it difficult.

“Ma
, you wanna
not
freak my girl out?” I hear Cash say.

“I'm not freaking her out.” She pulls me away from her to look in
to my eyes. “I'm not freaking you out, am I?” I laugh slightly; she doesn’t look like she would care if I told her that she
is
freaking me out. “Oh, my goodness gracious.” She lets go of me and covers her mouth, looking at Ashlyn. “Look at this beautiful angel.” Ashlyn looks over at me, then back at Susan.

“Mom
, this is Ashlyn.” Cash says, turning his body so that Ashlyn is closer to his mom.

“Hi
! I'm your grandma.”

“Hi
,” Ashlyn says in her shy voice, laying her head on Cash’s shoulder. Tears start forming in my eyes at the sight.

“You ready to go meet your cousins?” Susan ask
s as Cash sets the kids on the ground. Ashlyn shrugs, looking at me.

“It’s okay
, love bug.” Jax grabs Ashlyn’s hand, starts walking her up the stairs and into the house, with Susan following close behind them. I stand there and watch as Cash goes back to the truck and starts getting the rest of the stuff that I didn’t grab.

“You ready?”
he asks, coming to stand next to me. I take a deep breath and let it out. I’m not ready.

“Sure
, let’s go,” I lie. The minute we walk into the house, I’m blown away. It is beautiful, with a huge open floor plan, a sunken living room, and a large kitchen with all up-to-date appliances.  We step down into the living room just as the back sliding door opens. A guy who looks a lot like Cash steps inside shirtless, his arms covered in tattoos, all bright and colorful against his tan skin. His hair is long on the top and short on the sides, giving the appearance of a not-so-gothic Mohawk.

“Nico
, this is Lilly. Lilly, this is my brother Nico.” I look over at Cash who, yes, has the same facial features, but where Cash looks like all-American baseball player, Nico looks like the only reason he would have a baseball bat is to beat you with it.

“Hi
,” I say, trying to wave, and just like that, the pie I was carrying went falling to the floor, the chocolate pudding landing upright, but the force of the impact making most of the contents splash out all over my legs. “No,” I whisper, looking down at the mess I made.

“Well
, I can see not much has changed.” I look up, seeing Cash’s brother Trevor, the one I met at the coffee shop all those years ago. He still looks the same, if not a little bit more handsome. Then another guy walks in, looking like he could be Cash’s twin, but upon closer inspection I can tell he’s just a little older, and his hair is a few shades lighter than Cash’s and cut low. I can feel my face heating up when they all surround me. I look back down at my feet, praying to disappear.