Until Lilly (4 page)

“We are going to have to figure out a way for me to be in her life, and for her to know her brother.” I take a step towards Lilly. “Where are you living?”

Her eyes get big, and her breathing picks up.
Fuck yeah! I still affect her
. “Um, we just moved to Springhill because I got a teaching job,” she says quietly, looking at Ashlyn and then back at me.

“Good, you’re not far from me.”  She starts shaking her head. I bring my hand up, cupping her cheek. “We will figure out a time to meet. We have a lot to talk about, but right now
, let’s just have a good time. I don’t want the kids to get freaked.”

“Ashlyn is already freaked. She knows who you are.”

“What?’

“The pictures we took with my cell phone
, she has them, and she knows who you are.”

“Jesus.” I rub the back of my head. “Where did you say I was?”

“Here.”

“Here?”

“Yes, well,” she pauses, clearing her throat, “we lived in Alaska near my parents up until a few months ago when I got the teaching job.”

“So you told her I lived in Tennessee?” I look
to where Jax and Ashlyn are laughing with their little legs moving rapidly as they bounce in place.

“My dad wanted me to tell her that you were dead, but I couldn’t do it
,” she whispers, and my head swings back in her direction.

“Why didn’t you try harder to get ahold of me?” I rip my hand through my hair. This situation is completely fucked up.

“Why the hell would I do that when you told me to have an abortion?”

“That wasn’t me,” I growl
.

“It was your phone.” She shakes her head. “So you never got married?” She rolls her eyes. “Obviously, you had a son.” She points at Jax.

I did not want to answer that question. I knew the minute I told her I had been married that she wouldn’t believe that I never told her to have an abortion. She must have read the look on my face. When she answers, her words are so soft and full of pain that I swear I can feel them cutting into my skin.

“I already know you got married, so even without you answering that question
, I still know.” I see pain flash across her face. “I didn’t want to believe that what we had could be so easily replaced. I thought II had done something wrong, and you were upset. I thought you loved me. I was depressed and lonely, so I did a search of your name online, planning to come find you, and came across your wedding announcement.”

“What the fuck?”

“Yeah, that is kinda how I felt.” She gives a slight laugh, the kind that isn’t humorous.

“
I am so sorry; you will never be on your own again,” I tell her, taking a step towards her because I want to hold her. She takes a step back, shaking her head.

“We can figure out a way for you to be in Ashlyn’s life, but only if you plan on sticking around. I will not let her become attached to you
, only to have you walk away without an explanation.”

“I would never do that.” I narrow my eyes and she raises her eyebrows
, crossing her arms over her chest. 

“You are the one who taught me the meaning of never say never
, remember?” she reminds me. I told her that when we first got together. She told me she wouldn’t sleep with me ever, and I told her never say never. We only slept together one time. That one time had made me fall more in love with her than I already was. The day after, I had to come back home and go to work. I never knew that it would be the last time I would see Lilly. I knew then that she was the one for me, even as young as I was. I knew, and in the end I tossed her away, thinking I was doing the right thing, not knowing how sharp the double-edged sword was that I held in my hand.

We both stand there staring at each other. I don’t know what she’s thinking, but I’m thinking I want to kiss the fuck out of her, hold her, love her, and remind her of how good we were together. She looks away, then waves for Ashlyn to come to her. I watch my daughter bounce all the way over to where we’re standing. She is so beautiful that my chest hurts
just looking at her. I have loved every second of raising my son, and I hate that I have missed so much time with her. Jax comes along with Ashlyn. When she reaches where we’re standing, her head goes way back, with her cute little face scrunching up.

“Are you my daddy?”

“No, he’s my daddy.” Jax launches himself at me. Ashlyn looks at Jax, and then me. I drop to my knees in front of her, putting my arm around Jax’s waist. I have no idea how to handle this right now, and my stomach starts to turn as my palms begin to sweat.

“Come here, love bug.” Lilly pulls Ashlyn into her arms.

“Daddy.” Jax puts his palm on my cheek, forcing my head to turn. “Why did that girl ask if you’re her daddy?” Leave it to my kid to get right to the point.

“Well…
um.”
Fuck, why couldn’t I think of what to say?

“What’s your name, honey?” Lilly asks. I look up to see Ashlyn in her arms looking down at us.

“Jax.” Lilly smiles so brightly her whole face lights up. I forgot that smile.
How the fuck did I forget that smile?

“Very cool name.” Jax
’s chest puffs out under her praise.

“I’m going to be big like my daddy
,” he informs her randomly.

“I’m sure you are, honey.” Lilly smiles again. “How would you feel about having a playdate with Ashlyn sometime?” Jax shrugs. I look at Ashlyn who smiles. “Sure, she could come to my house
. I have a ferret and a tree house!”

“I’m sure she would like that. Though
, I'm not sure what a ferret is.” Jax laughs and so does Ashlyn. I can’t believe how much they look alike. “I’m going to get your dad’s number, and we can set up a time.”

“Yay!” Jax yells
, jumping up and down.

“Will you do me a favor, Jax?” He nods. “Take Ashlyn over to get her shoes while I get your dad’s number
, okay?”

“Okay
,” he agrees right away. Lilly sets Ashlyn down. She hasn’t taken her eyes off me. Jax takes her hand, pulling her along. I watch as she shows him where her shoes are. They are too high for her to reach, so he gets them for her, and then runs and grabs his before sitting next to her on the ground.

“I think it’s best if we talk to them separately about what’s going on. Jax is going to be very confused about this, and Ashlyn isn’t going to be much better. She knows
of
you, but doesn’t
know
you. I think we should set up a time for you to come alone and spend some time with her. Then bring Jax along later so they can get to know each other.”

“Why are you acting so cool about all of this?”

“I don’t know. I guess I will save my breakdown for tonight when Ashlyn is in bed, and I can have a glass of wine.” She pulls out her cell phone from her back pocket, sliding a finger across the screen. “So what’s your number?” I rattle it off, watching as she types in the numbers. My phone starts ringing from my pocket. I pull it out and save her number quickly. She turns her back on me, walking to where the kids are sitting. She runs her hand over Jax’s hair before grabbing her shoes. She bends over, putting them on with her round ass in the air. I look around when I feel a sting against my skin, my eyes landing on a guy who is looking at her ass with his wife or girlfriend standing right next to him. I walk up to where Lilly is bent over, not taking my eyes off the guy who is watching her. When I get there, the guy’s eyes come to me, and I give him a chin lift. He looks away quickly, making me feel somewhat better. I still have the urge to shove a foam block down his throat. When Lilly finally stands, I grab my hat after pulling on my sneakers. I put my hat on, shoving my hand in my pocket so I can grab my keys. I turn around to see Lilly looking at me funny, Jax holding one of her hands and Ashlyn holding the other. My heart squeezes at the sight of them together. She blinks, shaking her head. “You ready?” I ask.

“Yeah.” Lilly nods. Jax lets go of her hand and runs to me, grabbing mine. We wait and hold open the door for the
girls.

“Your hair is really red
,” Jax says, looking at Lilly. She laughs, shaking her head. The sun is out, beaming down on her, making her red hair shine more brightly and giving her a glow.

“She just colored it. It was brown before
,” Ashlyn informs us, making me laugh as I think about the last time I saw her; her hair was the same color it is now, only a lot shorter. We walk out to the parking lot, and Lilly stops at a small, piece-of-shit car. It was probably silver at one time, but is now grey and dull, with rust spots and dents. She opens the back door, and Ashlyn crawls inside. I don’t like this. My body is fighting itself, not wanting them out of my sight.

“So I will call and set up a time with you
,” she says, watching Ashlyn buckle her seatbelt.

“Call me when you get home
,” I tell her, my voice rough with anger, not at her, but myself.

She shakes her head.
“No, I’ll call you in a couple days after you have had some time to think about this.” I take a step towards her, getting in her space.

“I am not going to change my mind
,” I growl the words, making her eyes widen slightly.

Then she takes a breath.
“Well, then call when you’re ready,” she says quietly before squatting down to Jax’s level.

“It was very nice to meet you, Jax.” She holds out her hand for a shake.

“You’re pretty, like my mom.” Jax is wrong. Jules is pretty, but so rotten on the inside that it started seeping out, making a once pretty girl ugly. Now, Lilly—Lilly is more than beautiful, and if the situation between us hadn’t made her bitter, then nothing ever would. And I could see her light shine through every time she looked at our daughter.

“Well
, thank you, honey.” She gives a small smile before standing back up and opening her door. I lean in the back door so I can talk to Ashlyn.

“I will see you soon, okay?” She nods. Her eyes are big and the same color as mine.

“So are you my daddy?” she asks more quietly this time.

“Yes
,” I whisper, running my hand over her hair.

“Why didn’t you come see me?” Oh
God, this is killing me. I have no idea how to explain this to her. I don’t even know how to explain this to myself.

“I am so sorry
, baby.” The words choke out. “I promise you that I will come see you now, every chance I get.”

“Grandpa says that you hab to keep your promises.”

“He is right.” I smile at the way she pronounces her v’s the same way as Jax.  “You do have to keep your promises.” She nods in agreement. “I’ll call your mommy later and say goodnight to you.”

“Okay.” She reaches over, grabbing a small doll and hold
s it in her lap. I lean in a little, kissing the top of her head. I get out of the car and see that Lilly and Jax are talking.

“You ready, little dude?” I look down
at Jax, who is watching Ashlyn curiously.

“I’m hungry.”

“You’re always hungry.” I laugh, watching Lilly get in the car. She shuts the door, turning her car on before rolling down the window.

“Grandma says I’m growing.”

“You are. Soon you’re going to be taller than me.”

“Wow
!” His face lights up.

“But you have to eat your vegetables.”

“I don’t want to be as tall as you then,” he grumbles, and I pick him up, tossing him over my shoulder chuckling.

“Sure you do.” I look at Lilly
, who is watching me with a small smile. “We’ll talk soon.” She nods. “Call me when you get home,” I tell her. 

“Cash
—”

“Lilly, call me when you get home
,” I say it a little more slowly so she knows I am not fucking around. She shakes her head.

“I will message you,” she sighs.

“No, no more messages. Call me.” Her eyes flash like they used to when we were a couple and her temper would flare. I used to love when it happened. I would kiss her until she melted into me and couldn’t remember why she was mad.

“Fine, I will call you.” She rolls her eyes, making me want to fist her hair and put my mouth on hers.

“Say bye, love bug.” Ashlyn waves from the backseat and Lilly from the front as I set Jax down next to me. We watch Lilly and Ashlyn pull out of the parking lot. I don’t like the feelings coursing through me. I don’t like them driving away, and I don’t like the amount of hate I am feeling towards Jules. I didn’t think I could hate her more than I did, but she’s proven me wrong. I need to call my brothers. I need to talk to them and have a beer.

“How about we stop at
Grandma’s?”

“Okay.” Jax shrugs. I can tell he’s getting tired and will most likely be asleep by the time we hit the highway. After I get Jax in the car and buckled in, I hop behind the wheel and send a text to each of my brothers
, telling them to meet me at the barn in an hour. I can’t believe Jules told Lilly to get an abortion. The whole time she was pregnant, she’d threatened to have one if I didn’t do exactly what she wanted. I shake my head and put my truck in reverse, stare at myself in the mirror, and notice my hat. It’s the same hat Lilly gave me when we were dating; I haven’t stopped wearing it since then. I head out of the parking lot wondering if this is my time, if I’m finally going to have a chance to be happy again.