Until Alex (18 page)

But how could I explain it to someone like Alex? How could I explain why I worked with Remy? How could I tell her about all the evil things I’d done?

I couldn’t unleash my demons on her innocent soul. I wouldn’t. She was better off believing I was a selfish lying dick.

“Come on, Hayden.” Marisol tapped on the bathroom door. “Let me in.”

I reached back and unlocked the door, careful not to exacerbate my injuries.

Marisol pushed it open and stepped inside, all five feet of her squeezing in behind me. “Take off your shirt.”

“That’s usually my line,” I choked, having a hell of a time getting the words out.

“I’m glad to see you’ve still got your sense of humor. Wait. Since when do you make jokes, Mr. Serious?”

“Fuck off.”

“That’s more like it.” Marisol lifted my shirt, dragging it cautiously over my head before tossing it to the floor. She ran her hands gently along my sides. Then moved them around to my front, inspecting my ribs. I could see in the mirror they were black and purple.

“Owww,” I growled through clenched teeth.

“They’re definitely broken.”

“No shit.”

Ignoring my grumbling, she continued her examination. “Let me clean up the cuts and then wrap the ribs.”

With my hands white-knuckling the sink, I leaned forward and carefully dropped my head. Any movement still hurt like a son of a bitch.

Marisol plucked the pieces of glass from my skin with tweezers, and cleaned the cuts on my sides with antiseptic. Each touch sent a fierce bite tearing through me, sucking the air right out of my lungs. “What do you think about my lung?” I asked through gritted teeth.

“Do I really need to say it?”

“I’m a big boy.”

“You need to be checked out by a doctor.”

“Not happening.”

“You’re a stubborn ass, you know that, right?” She huffed a long drawn out breath. “Hypothetically speaking, if you were to go to the ER and they thought it was only a small puncture, they’d send you home to wait it out. See if it got worse.”

I wanted to nod, but thought better of moving.

“Just promise me you’ll call me if it’s not healing or your breathing’s still labored.”

I’d lost count of the number of times Marisol swooped in to take care of my sorry ass over the years. Her family had been my last foster family—the only caring one. Marisol commuted to nursing school while I lived there. Unfortunately for her, she didn’t get the foster brother she’d hoped for. The type that hung out and went places with her. It wasn’t that I’d been a prick to her. I just already worked for Cooper at the time and was biding my time until I saved up enough cash to move out on my own.

My head whipped up at the same time Marisol ripped the bandage off the back of my left shoulder. “It’s so much prettier than the other one.”

“Can you put that back on and just wrap my ribs, please?”

“Don’t angels usually have blue eyes and blonde hair?”

I dropped my head, squeezing my eyes. “Marisol, I swear to God if you don’t shut up and help me, I’m going to—”

Her hands disappeared from my back. I imagined them planted on her pear-shaped hips. “You’re going to what?”

I shook my head, defeated and in a hell of a lot of pain.

“So you gonna tell me who that girl was out there?”

I shook my head again, wincing at the sharp pains accompanying the motion.

“She looked really pretty in that dress.”

“I didn’t notice,” I muttered, lying through my teeth.

“I saw the tie and shirt on your chair. Were you going somewhere?”

I shook my head. And down deep, I wondered if
that
lie had actually been the truth all along.

ALEX

I’d spent the last twenty-four hours
buried under a blanket on the sofa.

But once th
e cushions at my feet sagged, I knew my aunt was done respecting my privacy. “You want to talk about it?”

I peeked out and shook my head.

“Alex…” She sighed. “I’ve been trying to give you space. Please tell me if I’ve been wrong to do that.” When I didn’t answer, she expelled another breath. “Tell me what you need and I’ll do it. If it’s counseling, I’ll get you the best counselor in the state. If it’s school, I’ll get you tutors. If it’s money, I’ll get it for you. It’s all yours soon anyway. Just talk to me.”

I understood her frustration. I’d been in the same situation with Hayden. He didn’t tell me anything. It was a huge mistake to believe any relationship could work that way. People actually needed to open up. Talk. Share.

“I’m just sad,” I whispered.

My aunt leaned down and wrapped her arms around me. “Oh, honey, of course you are. It’s to be expected.”

“I feel so alone.” The flood gates opened and nothing could be done to stop them. “I miss them so much. I try not to think about them because then it doesn’t hurt as bad. But then I feel guilty for not thinking about them. Then there’re my friends. Who aren’t even my friends anymore. I’m not sure they ever really were. But I miss…having friends.” I couldn’t continue. The tears were too much. The hurt too great.

My aunt could have said something to console the blubbering mess beside her, but she didn’t. She sat there, comforting me with her gentle touch as I sobbed in her arms. She understood I just needed her presence. Because nothing she said would take away the pain. Nothing she did would bring my parents home.

My sniffles were the only sounds in the room for a long time.

Maybe the distance between my aunt and me was
all my fault. I’d made conversations difficult, sticking solely to the superficial. I hadn’t confided in her. I hadn’t asked her for help when clearly I needed it.

I wiped away the tears lingering on my cheeks. “Why’d you and my mom stop talking?”

Her sharp intake of breath told me I caught her off guard. “Why do you think?”

“I have no idea. She never said.”

Her lips twisted in contemplation as she sat up, settling into the spot beside me. “Your dad.”

“He wouldn’t let her talk to you?”

She shook her head. “No, no. Nothing like that. Your dad and I had…well, we had history.”

“You dated?”

She nodded. “For almost two years.”

My head recoiled. “I didn’t know that.”

“Of course you didn’t. It was a long time ago.”

“How’d he end up with my mom?”

Her eyes shot away, clearly averting my inquisitive eyes. “Oh, sweetie. No use drudging up the past.”

“Please, Katherine. I need to know.” Whining hadn’t been my intention, but in that moment I needed to understand. Katherine had shown me nothing but kindness. Why had my parents kept her out of my life?

She took in as much air as humanly possible before expelling it. “He cheated on me with your mother. Nine months later you were born.”

My eyes widened on a gasp. “Oh my God.”

She nodded. “My exact reaction.”

“But they always seemed so in love?”

“Oh, sweetie. They
were
in love. You just sealed the deal for them.” She closed her eyes for a long moment, the memory visibly paining her. “I wasn’t stupid. I saw the way he looked at her when he’d come to our house. And I saw the way she looked at him. The way she loved his attention. I was the one stopping them from being together. But I loved him so much. I needed him to let me go. Because I would’ve held on to him forever.” She forced a sad smile. “But, had they never gotten together, there wouldn’t be you.”

“You didn’t want anything to do with them after that?”

An insincere laugh left her. “Oh, it took me some time. That’s for sure. But when I tried to reach out—forgive me for saying this—your mother didn’t want to reconcile. Mutual friends claimed she felt threatened. So I kept my distance. Only making contact with you, or at least trying to. You were the innocent party in our tangled mess.”

“I’m so sorry that happened to you. No one should be deceived like that.”

“We were all so young.” She shrugged. “You do stupid things when you’re young.” She sounded so nonchalant, but her pain was real. And for over twenty years, it lingered.

“Doesn’t make it right, though.” I turned to her, hoping she saw the sincerity in my eyes. “I’m sorry I’m here. I must be a terrible reminder. I must be making your life—”

“Stop,” she cut me off. “Having you here is the most excitement I’ve had in years,” she laughed.

“Well then you missed a boatload last night while you were out,” I mumbled.

Katherine’s head whipped around, her eyes searching her apartment for signs of damage.

I tightened the blanket around me. “I didn’t throw a party.” Who would I have invited? Sophia went to the formal. “Hayden asked me to a dance.”

Her head pulled back. “Hayden? I didn’t think he went out with college girls.”

I shrugged. “I guess he doesn’t. He blew me off. Then came home with another girl.”

My aunt cringed. “Oh, Alex. I’m so sorry.”

I expected the tears to gush again. But they didn’t. Maybe my body had finally learned to only shed tears over something sensible.

“You know…you and Hayden really aren’t so different.”

“I’d never stand someone up and make them look like a fool.” I didn’t mean to sound defensive, but comparing me to the guy who’d broken my already battered heart didn’t sit well.

“No, obviously you wouldn’t do that.” She ran her hand gently over my hair, the same way my mom had when I was a little girl. “But maybe you should talk to him. Hear him out. There may be more to the story than meets the eye.”

I tilted my head not buying it, but appreciating her efforts.

“I’m serious.”

“I’m going to need a little more than that.”

She worried her bottom lip. “I told you before, it’s not my story to tell. But if you were to learn of it on your own, say online under his full name and hometown of Beaumont, I wouldn’t be telling you now, would I?”

I stared dumbfounded, wondering why I hadn’t thought to do that. Then again, I only learned his last name recently. I jumped to my feet and gathered up the blanket.

“It’s no good having regrets.”

M
y eyes narrowed.

“I should have done something to stop the standoff with your mom. I should’ve forced her to talk to me. Now it’s too late.”

I nodded my understanding before heading toward my room. Halfway down the hallway I stopped and turned back around. “Thank you, Katherine.”

The glint in her eyes
as she smiled told me she understood the depth of my words.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

HAYDEN

I’d parked my beaten ass on my sofa for a solid week. And while the bruises had faded and the cuts had begun to mend, the pain still lingered. Marisol had stopped by to check on me and confirmed my ribs were healing. Slowly.

A soft k
nocking on my front door drew my attention away from
SportsCenter
. Careful not to move too quickly, I pushed myself up and moved to the door, feeling as if I’d aged fifty years in a week. If Remy thought for one second I’d go anywhere with him in the shape I was in, I had news for him.

I lowered my eye to the peephole, then staggered back.

It wasn’t Remy.

Not even close.

I
slowly pulled open the door.

Alex, in torn jeans and a flowy red shirt, clutched a folder to her chest. Instead of looking at me, her eyes peeked around me
, checking to see if she’d interrupted anything. Once she determined I was alone, her eyes flashed to mine. “I noticed you haven’t been to classes.”

I shrugged non-committal.

A watched her swallow down a sassy comeback or her anger.  Either one I deserved.

“Well anyway, Sophia works at the registrar. She got me a list of your professors. I stopped by and picked up all the
notes and in-class assignments they didn’t post online.”

My eyes narrowed in confusion. “Why?”

Holding the folder out to me, she forced a smile. “Just being a good neighbor.”

I struggled to suppress a grin, especially when she threw my own stupid words back in my face. I reached for the folder, wincing at the sharp pain that ignited
in my side.

“What’s wrong?” She jerked forward like she wanted to help, but quickly stepped back.

I couldn’t tell her I needed to lie down without her expecting an explanation. So I braced myself against the door frame and clutched it for support.

Alex gnawed on her lip. I could see the internal battle playing out in her eyes, but I really needed to sit. “So, I appreciate you bringing this by,” I said, prompting her to leave.

She didn’t move. She stood waiting for something. Something specific. I could see it in those expressive eyes.

My lips twitched in the corners as it hit me. “You’re swell.”

Her smile split in two before she turned and disappeared into her apartment.

What the hell just happened?

ALEX

The following day when Hayden opened his door, still sporting scruffy stubble on his face I wasn’t used to, I held up the container of hot chicken soup I’d spent the last two hours making. “Just thought you might be hungry.”

Hayden stared at me for
a minute before stepping aside so I could enter.

I didn’t move. “It’s already hot. If you’ve got a spoon, you just need to eat it.”

He cocked his head. “Maybe I don’t want to eat alone.”

I cocked my own. “Maybe I have a hot date.”

“Well, he’s gonna have to wait ‘til I’m finished with my meal.” He arched a brow.

Damn him.

No matter what he’d done, that intangible pull still existed between us.

Sure, it took a week for my hard feelings to ease, but they had. Somewhat. I mean, he lived across the hall. I couldn’t avoid him forever.

Okay. So I’d be lying if I said the story about his past didn’t sway my decision to try to forgive him. It absolutely did. Who could stay mad at someone who’d seen what he’d seen? I didn’t
see
my parents die. I couldn’t imagine the pain and nightmares accompanying that memory.

I blew out a breath and entered his apartment. My eyes took in the rumpled blanket on the sofa and the unlabeled prescription bottles littering the coffee table. “So what’s the diagnosis?”

He closed the door behind me. “Besides being an asshole?”

I smiled. “That should’ve been my line.”

“Beat you to it,” he grinned, like we hadn’t been avoiding each other for the past week. Then he sat down, like an old man trying not to pull a muscle “I’ve got a few broken ribs.”

I walked into the kitchen, searching cabinets and drawers for a bowl and spoon. “That sucks.”

“Yup.” Of course he didn’t elaborate. That would’ve been asking too much.

Unable to find a ladle, I poured the soup from the container into
a bowl, trying not to spill any on his countertop. I carried it out and placed it into his awaiting hands.

“Secret recipe?” he asked as he lifted the spoon to his lips.

I shook my head. “No, mine would’ve contained cyanide. It’s my mom’s.”

Despite the threat, Hayden smiled and tipped the spoonful into his mouth.

I dropped onto the opposite corner of the sofa, the same place I’d sat the first night I’d been to his apartment.

After he found me unconscious by the pool.

After he brought me to the hospital.

After he stayed by my bedside all night.

After he asked me to stay with him so he could keep an eye on me.

Yeah. No matter what he’d done since then, I couldn’t forget he cared for me when no one else had. He looked after me. He rescued me.

When had anyone rescued him?

That’s
why I brought his homework and the soup. Not because I was a pushover. A doormat. A glutton for punishment. But because he needed me. Whether he realized it or not.

“It’s really good,” he said. “She must’ve been a great cook.”

I hadn’t purposely conjured up memories of my mother in a while. Sure, memories of her flooded me on a daily basis, but they were uninvited flashes of moments I hadn’t expected.

Now Hayden wanted me to recall a specific detail. Something that made her special. Something I’d have to learn to live without.

The backs of my eyes prickled.  All at once, a rush of memories flooded me. Her in the kitchen. Her hips swaying to music while she cooked. The spicy pasta sauce bubbling on the stove each Sunday. The freshly baked dinner rolls accompanying every meal. The sweet apple pies sitting on the windowsill. “Yeah. She was.” 

“What was her best dish?”

I crossed my arms, settling back into the black leather. “Why are you doing this?”

His brows squished together. “Doing what?”

“Bringing up my mom? You know it’s hard for me to talk about her.”

“Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.
Just because she’s gone, doesn’t mean you need to forget her.”

He was absolutely right. But I couldn’t help wondering if he was really talking about himself. “Chicken parmesan.”

He grinned as he downed another spoonful. “I’d be up for trying that next.”

“Next? Who said you’re getting anything else?” I was trying to remain sassy or aloof, or maybe both. But the odds were in his favor I’d cave and cook it for him.

Hayden’s eyes held mine for a long moment. Like he wanted to say something important. Something long overdue. “How are rehearsals going?”

Classic Hayden. Change the subject when things turned too serious. “Okay. Taylor’s still waiting in the shadows for someone to quit or get sick.”

“She sucks.”

I nodded.

“When’s the show?”

My head withdrew. “You’re not planning on coming, are you?”

“Never know.”

“I won’t hold my breath,” I murmured, finding it difficult to curb my resentment, no matter how hard I tried.

Discomfort flashed in Hayden’s eyes before they shot down to his soup. “Just so you know, I had every intention of—”

“Please.” I lifted my palm. “I didn’t come here to rehash the past.”

His brows lifted to his messy hairline, before his eyes narrowed on mine. “Then why did you?”

Hell of a question. Did I pull a Hayden and deflect? Or show him how honesty worked? “To start fresh.”

“How do we do that?”

I tucked up my knees and wrapped my arms around them. It wasn’t like I had some grand plan. I just knew regardless of the mistakes he’d made, he needed someone in his life as much as I did. And since I had no one but my aunt, I needed him, too. “I’m Alex.”

His eyes studied me tucked into the corner of his sofa. 

Okay, so maybe had I thought it out, I could’ve been more creative. But I wasn’t finished yet. “I live with my aunt, who I barely know, because as you know, my parents died. Come to find out, my dad cheated on my aunt with my mom and nine months later I showed up. Katherine must
love
having me around.”

Hayden winced from the other end of the couch. 

“I have no friends except Sophia because my old friends abandoned me and I can’t trust anyone at my new school…But some days I’m dealing better than I thought I would. And I think that has something to do with this guy I met when I moved here. This frustrating and kind and infuriating and thoughtful guy.”

He stared at me with terror in his eyes. He should’ve been terrified.

I lifted my chin. “Your turn.”

His eyes flashed away, avoiding my gaze at all costs. He stared out the window from his seat. It had been extra windy lately, blowing down a number of limbs. Was he watching the shifting trees? Or was he just afraid to look back?

I almost felt sorry for putting him on the spot, but he was a big boy. If he felt uncomfortable, he’d just change the subject.

After what felt like
an eternity, Hayden cleared his throat, breaking the awkward silence. “You once asked me why I live alone.” His eyes moved from the window to me. “I live alone because my parents died when I was ten.”

My heart slammed into my rib cage. I was scared to react. Scared to move. I didn’t want to do anything that would cause him to clam up.

His eyes moved back to the window. “My father used to beat me and my mom.”

I gulped down the lump in my throat, aching to be near him. To comfort him.

“I was so small back then. So weak. I couldn’t protect us. I wanted to. Man, did I want to…My mom finally had enough. She packed us up. We were gonna run away while he was at work. She was so happy. I’d never seen her so carefree, tossing her things into a suitcase humming along to her favorite songs.”

My heart broke knowing they never got their happy ending.

Hayden’s eyes abandoned the window, lifting to the ceiling. “He came home early. It was like he knew. Because he never came home early. He did his normal throwing her across the room and beating me thing.” Hayden rubbed the scar on the bridge of his nose.

“Then, it was like watching an alternate reality. He pulled out his gun. His fucking gun. And aimed it at me. My mom jumped in front of me. That’s when he fired across the room and shot her. Three times. What kind of animal does that?”

Tears fell from my eyes hearing Hayden revisit the horror of that day.

“Not a day goes by when I don’t wonder if I could’ve done something to stop him.”

“
Hayden
.”

He shook off my sympathy. “After he’d done it. He looked at me with the gun pointed to his own head and told me it was all my fault. Then he fired.”

My heart almost jumped out of my chest, knowing what he’d witnessed. Knowing the depth of those cruel words.

I wanted to go to him. To wrap him in my arms until he knew everything would be all right. But he needed to continue. He needed it out of his head. He needed to be free of the demons.

“I’ve gotten a little better with people touching me, but obviously he’s the reason I get all awkward and flinch when it happens.” He finally glanced to me. His eyes so vulnerable. “I don’t do it anymore when you touch me.”

I smiled through the tears, loving that he didn’t.

“As you’ve probably noticed, I don’t have many friends, at least ones I can rely on.” He swallowed. “But there’s this girl. This amazing and stubborn and beautiful girl who I can’t seem to get out of my head even though I know I should.”

My heart soared, but I didn’t dare utter a word.

“She deserves so much better than me, but she sticks around for some unknown reason. And I wish I could tell her why I had to blow off our date, but I can’t. Because letting her believe what she does about me, is so much better than what she’d think if she knew the truth.”

Major crocodile tears dropped from my eyes. Obviously there was more he wasn’t telling me, but he’d shared so much more than I ever imagined he would. I couldn’t hold back any longer. I crawled across the sofa and tucked myself into his side, careful not to disturb his ribs. I slipped my arms around his waist and rested my head on his shoulder. “I’m so sorry that happened to you, Hayden. No one should have to go through something so terrible. No one deserves that.”

He shrugged it off, but I knew he agreed.

“It wasn’t your fault.”

He nodded. “I know.”

“If you could’ve done something to stop him, you would’ve.” It wasn’t a question. It was an assurance.