Underwater (30 page)

Then she said, “He knows you.”

I sucked in a breath.
She knows.
I wasn’t sure if I should be happy or afraid. I watched her with a tight throat, eyes wide and with my heart on my sleeve.

“He knows you,” she said again and took a few steps back. Her eyes widened and filled with tears. “He knows who you are....”

Her hand made its way to her throat and then she gasped.

“Tiny,” I choked out the words, and started to walk towards her. She drew back in alarm and I matched her steps with mine. She stepped backward. I stepped forward. We moved in sync, step matching step and I vowed to myself that no matter what, I would never let her go. She was
mine
. She loved me, and there was no force on this planet strong enough to keep me away from her. Not even her. I knew she was shocked. Fuck, I still couldn’t breathe when I thought of who she really was. But no matter what, she was mine and I was hers, and together we could get through anything.

“It’s me, isn’t it?” she whispered, her voice quivering. “The girl from your dream. It was me wasn’t it? That’s why…” She tightened the hold over her throat. “That’s why you looked at me like that… like you saw me for the first time.”

“Yes,” I said, laying it all out for her to see. “It was you.”

I
t was
him
.

The stranger.

My stranger.

My savior.

It was Dorian.

How could... how could it be?

“How is it even possible? I thought…” I could barely get the words out. “I thought I would never see you again.”

I wanted to cry.
From happiness? From painful memories? From awe? From bewilderment?
All this time, since we met...it had always been him.
And I had no idea
. From the split second our lives crashed together, he was always by my side and I’d had no clue. He’d burst into my life like a hurricane, not once, but twice.

Saving me.

Protecting me.

Taking care of me.

“Me too.” His voice rang through the night breeze, enveloping me with its warmth and protection. “I still can’t believe that you’re standing in front of me right now.” His eyes gazed at me with love and honesty. “That you’re safe and sound. That you grew up to be the most stunning woman I’ve ever seen.”

He walked towards me in a straight line, his stride sure and unwavering.

“How come we never met again?” he asked, standing inches away from me. “I mean, I knew the six-year gap between us and my deployment could be one of the reasons. But I always wondered how it was possible that we never met again when we lived in the same town.”

“After River died,” I said, “my parents put the house up for rent. They couldn’t bring themselves to sell the house, so they rented it for years while we moved south to another town.” I may I have grown up in Greenville, but this place, this little island, has been the only place that truly felt like home. “We moved back here a little while before my dad was diagnosed. So most of my childhood, I wasn’t here.”

“Damn. Now I understand why you weren’t scared when we first met. You didn’t know me.”

“Um… that’s because I didn’t recognize you,” I said, my brows furrowed.

“I know,” he mumbled, half smiling. “I meant that you never heard the rumors about me and what people said when they thought I couldn’t hear them.”

“I’d heard things here and there,” I confessed truthfully, remembering the gossiper from the support group when I first got there. “But to tell you the truth, I didn’t really give a shit. I formulate an opinion about people only after I meet them personally and get to know who they really are. I don’t care what people say about them or whatever they did to others. I didn’t know who you were and you hadn’t done anything to me. Why should I choose to believe things unfounded?”

His eyes softened.

“I looked for you, you know?” he admitted. “I always looked for you in the middle of a crowd. No matter where I was, I always searched for you. But you were never there.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“For what?”

“You’ve been looking for me while I did my best to forget about you.”

I closed my eyes tightly and hung my head.

He covered my face with his calloused hands, startling me.

“Tiny,” he said, hoarsely. “Don’t do that. Against all odds, we found our way back into each other lives.”

“I always felt like River sent you to me, and thinking about it made my heart
hurt
,” I said, voice cracking. “Knowing all that....” I took a deep breath, “I had to let everything go. I had to try to forget and move forward. But for the life of me, I couldn’t. Somehow, you always snuck back into my mind.” I laughed and my eyes misted. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Dorian kissed my forehead, and then whispered, “We changed, Tiny. Both of us have been through hell and we’re still
living
it. But we’re together now.”

I tried to smile at him but my lower lip kept wobbling. His words touched the deepest part of my soul and my feelings reflected his. He was my anchor and the lifeguard who protected me from drowning. With him, I knew I would never have to worry about being underwater. He would always pull me to the surface and onto the shore.

“You were wrong, you know?” I said.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“When you said that you’re sorry that I lost my brother and you weren’t there to protect me.”

His brows furrowed, not understanding.

“You were wrong,” I said again. “You
were
there. That day. You were there. You protected me and saved my life. You were
there
.”

Understanding dawned on him. His eyes searched my face and then brightened, and a smile spread across his lips.

“You were there,” I echoed, my voice shaking.

He pulled me into his arms and hugged me so tight I could barely breathe.

“I was there,” he murmured in my ear.

We stood there for what felt like hours, lost in our embrace, until Ace decided he’d had enough and wanted to go back home. Only then, with his hand holding mine, and Ace leading the way, we made our way back to my place.

“Dance, when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you’re perfectly free.”

—
Rumi

“H
ello Dorian. How are you today?”

“Peachy,” I said, leaning back and resting my arm across the back of the couch. Dr. Kevin Anderson raised two thick eyebrows when I added, “I always circle our appointment dates on the calendar and draw tiny hearts around them. I never know if I should bring flowers, though.” I smirked. “What do you think?”

His voice was monotone while his face was poised with a blank mask of nothingness. “No thanks, darling, I’m allergic.”

For a moment, and fast as lightning, Dr. Anderson’s lip quirked upward. Most people would have missed it. Not me. I was looking for it. I guess for a shrink he was alright.

“Are you going to introduce me to the young lady?” he asked, jumping right in with the meet-and-greet.

I turned my head and looked at Tiny. I still couldn’t believe she was sitting here, next to me. When I’d asked her to join me for the session, I was secretly scared she would say no, but she’d agreed without even a moment of hesitation.

“Tiny, this is Dr. Anderson. Dr. Anderson, this is Ti – I mean, Aria.”

“I’m very pleased to meet you, Aria.”

“Likewise,” Tiny replied shyly.

I’d talked about her quite a bit in our previous sessions. Somehow, I always managed to calm down as soon as her name was mentioned. Whenever I thought of her, a sense of relief washed over me, soothed the raging emotions and dark memories.

Dr. Anderson leaned back in his chair, waiting for me to begin, expecting me to take the lead. He always did. And like always, I didn’t know what I wanted to talk about.

“I don’t even know where to start,” I confessed. It was one of the reasons it was so hard coming here. Opening wounds unnerved me, but I knew it had to be done. Not just for me. For Aria, too.

“How about you start with why you’re here, Dorian.”

“I’m here because I want to be fixed. I want to be better. I
need
to be better.”

“Why?” Dr. Anderson asked.

“Why?” I echoed. “Because I’m not on my own anymore.” I squeezed Tiny’s hand, savoring the feel of her touch against my skin. “I could deal with being fucked up when it was just me, but I can’t be fucked up anymore. I have someone else to think about now.”

I lifted our intertwined fingers and brought them to my lips, planting a soft kiss across her knuckles, watching her the whole time.

“You’re my future,” I murmured, while staring into her green eyes. Tiny sucked in a breath. I smiled, and when I returned our clasped hands back to rest on my thigh, she squeezed my hand.

Returning my eyes back to Dr. Anderson, I found him staring at us silently. After a few moments, he cleared his throat. ”When you said that you had to do better... what did you mean by that? Tell me what you’re dealing with.”

“Guilt.”

“Why guilt?”

“Because...” I closed my eyes, thinking about the brothers I had lost.

Ben.

Asher.

Tommy.

Michael.

All were gone. And here I was – still living. Still breathing. Still existing.

“Because I fucking survived,” I said. “Because
I
survived. It’s one of the hardest things I have to live with.”

I think that was the first time I’d ever admitted it out loud. Losing my friends and surviving afterward was hard for me to deal with. Even after going through captivity and torture, losing my brothers was worse.

Much worse.

Am I too late to heal? Am I too far gone?

“You made a huge step today, even if you don’t realize it yet. And I can see you’re not alone either. You have the support and care of a devoted young lady as far as I can tell.” His mouth curved up slightly. This time I hadn’t been looking for it, so I was glad I didn’t missed it. “I don’t want you to think about anything else, but moving forward. Alright?”

Another squeeze of my hand drew my attention to Tiny. She looked at me with an expression of absolute faith. She was sure I could do it.

“Alright,” I said.

“I want to go back to when you first returned home,” Dr. Anderson said. “How did you feel at the time?”

“Like shit,” I answered truthfully. “I didn’t want to live. I didn’t want to move on with my life. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to smile. It was hard to fucking breathe on my own. I didn’t want to be here. I wanted to go back. I didn’t fit in this place anymore.”

Tiny sucked in a breath and I winced. I didn’t want to scare her, but at the same time - I knew she could handle it. She could handle
me
. The man that I was today and the man I used to be.

“Go on,” he prompted.

“My life was fucking pointless. Even my family couldn’t bring me back from the dead. My mom was still healing from my father’s death and my kidnapping. My little sister was scared of me. I felt like I’d left a piece of myself on the battlefield and never got it back. I was half a man. My body was here, but my soul stayed there. Cold, empty, and devoid of any emotions is how I would describe myself. All I wanted, all I needed, was to forget. So I fell into the booze trap. I managed to numb myself for a while until even the booze couldn’t save me. No one could save me. Life had no meaning for me. I managed to live through every day wishing I wouldn’t wake up in the morning.”