Underwater (26 page)

“O
kay, everyone,” Bennie said as he stood in front of the group, clapping his hands together, drawing all the attention to him. “Let’s wrap this meeting up.” He looked at everyone in the group, and then asked, “Does anyone want to add something before we go?”

I sat next to Tiny in a half circle together with the rest of the group. To say that the group was surprised to see this change would be an understatement. They were used to seeing me sitting alone in the far dark corner. But everything had changed the moment Tiny walked through that doorway. After getting to know her and yearning for a future with her, I realized that I couldn’t keep living like that. Afraid of being judged. Afraid that people would look at me with
pity
. So, after almost two years in the shadows, I decided to break out of the darkness and walk headlong into the light.

Okay, so maybe I had an ulterior motive sitting here today. I sat with a possessive arm around the back of her chair because I wanted to show everyone in this room who she belonged to.

And also, whom
I
belonged to.

From the second she laid her eyes on me, she looked right
through
my outer shell. She saw the man I was inside. Not my scars. She saw
me
. And she was the only one who fascinated me enough to push me out of my comfort zone. To sit here in front of everyone - on fucking display - like some weird exhibit in a museum.

But I was willing to do it. For her. I wanted to show her that I
would
heal. That I would move on and reclaim my old life. That I would get better. I would give her everything I had. All she needed to do was ask. But she never did. She never pushed me to give more than I could. And she was surprised more than anyone else that I walked straight into the middle of the half circle and took the seat next to her.
Get used to it people
. From this day on, no matter how uncomfortable I felt, this was my place: by her side.

But I was starting to sweat as eyes all around me gaped with confusion and intrigue.
Was it humid in here?
I plucked at my shirt, fanning myself while feeling the trickle of sweat roll down my back. Under a microscope was how I felt, and the impulse to hide back in my dark corner grew with all the questioning eyes concentrating on one thing: Me.

I was three seconds away from bolting out of my seat and running for the nearest exit when Tiny reached out and held my hand. Just – held my hand. The simplest touch and yet it wrapped around me like a cool breeze.
Fuck, I could finally breathe again
. She was my anchor when I felt I was drowning.

When I looked back at Bennie, he watched us intently with a look I couldn’t decipher. And he wasn’t alone in his probing stare; the entire room had seen our exchange and now stunned expressions moved across their faces. The unspoken questions were so much louder than the rain that beat against the windowpanes.

Then Bennie broke the silence, and I was grateful. ”No one wants to add anything?”

Aria rested her head on my shoulder and rubbed her cheek on my shirt. I placed my lips on her hair and breathed her in. “I do,” I said, surprising everyone. “I want to say something.”

Again, all eyes were on me. But I pushed it aside, took a deep breath and said what I needed to say.

“These past few years had taken their toll on me. Coming home after going through seven gates of hell was a slap in the face. I struggled. I felt that everything was the same as before I left, but
I
was different. I couldn’t connect to anyone. I couldn’t stand to be touched. I pushed away the people I cared about and didn’t let anyone get too close. I heard what people said about me.” I looked at them, at the people I’d seen here so often, still strangers to me, and I didn’t hide my displeasure. “And it pushed me further away. I was doing fine. I was content with my solitude… until she happened.” With my eyes boring into Aria’s, I said, “There was something about her that called out to me. Like a magnet, I was drawn in her direction, with no ability to stop.” I lifted her hand and brought it towards my lips, then whispered a kiss across her small, delicate fingers. She was surprised, like everyone else by my public display of affection.

“From the moment we met,” I continued, my eyes not wavering from hers, “she saw me.”

Aria’s eyes shined with tears. I clutched her hand in mine. “You
saw
me, Tiny. I don’t think I ever thanked you for that.”

I stopped talking and let our eyes speak what our voices couldn’t utter.

The meeting ended after my confession and Bennie let everyone go.

They said their goodbyes and a few offered words of encouragement, but most still kept their distance.

Tiny brushed her hand across mine and told me that she had to use the facilities. Nodding, I watched her stand and walk out the door. I thought about all the things I still wanted to say to her when Bennie’s voice interrupted my thoughts.

“Hey, D.” He was looking at me with an odd expression and I was just ready to go. I’d been here long enough.

“Hey, Ben. What’s up?”

He rubbed the back of his neck, and then slowly, his mouth quirked up into a crooked grin. “I just wanted to say how damn proud I am. I never thought I’d see the day you would sit here along with everyone and actually talk.” He shook his head. “She’s good for you, you know that?” he said, jerking his chin in the direction Tiny had disappeared.

“I know.” After a few moments, I returned my eyes back to his and added, “I went to see a shrink.” I cleared my throat, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. “The dude is pretty cool too. I’ve already seen him a few times and even though I’m not sure if anything is gonna come out of it, no matter what, this time I won’t give up. This time I won’t quit. I’m...” I took a deep breath, forcing the words out. “I’m going to heal, Ben. I’m going to get better. For my family. For
her
. And most importantly, for
myself
. It’s time.” My eyes sought hers, always seeking, always searching, still waiting for her to come back. “Without even intending to,” I continued, “she made me realize that. She’s the reason I was breathing again and I’ll do anything to be good enough for her.”

“You already are,” Bennie said. “But I’m glad to hear that you decided to pull your head out of your ass. I was worried about you.”

Warmth, for this guy who’d never given up on me, swelled in my chest. When I looked at him again, my eyes gleamed with the truth of my words. “Thank you, Ben. I’m going to get better, trust me on that.”

“I trust you, D. Of course I trust you.” He smiled as his eyes flicked towards the door. Tiny made her way towards us, a secret smile forming across her pretty face. My heart took flight and the mere sight of her walking towards me took my breath away.

Before walking away, Bennie patted my back. “You two are really good for each other.”

He was right.

Alone, we were broken pieces.

Together, we were whole.

“The angel is free because of his knowledge, the beast because of his ignorance. Between the two remains the son of man to struggle.”

—
Rumi

T
he weeks passed and with them the season changed. The cold turned into pleasant warmth. The gray clouds were replaced by bright sunlight. The bleak colors of the winter had changed to the vibrant colors of spring.

My father’s health condition worsened and the days by his side became unbearably difficult. His legs were painfully swollen and he became so thin that his bones jutted out. There were moments when he was confused and would talk nonsense. He slept most of the day. The scariest symptom was the red blood-spots spread out all over his skin. The doctor said it was a sign his liver was starting to fail.

Simply put, my father’s condition was dire. It had finally dawned on us when Hospice came into our lives. I should have been grateful for their help, but I resented them. To me, they were angels of death and I didn’t want them in our home. I was agitated. I was sad. I wanted to scream to the heavens about the unfairness of it all. But in the end, I had no choice but to accept their help.

I spent my mornings and afternoons by his side. It was our private time together. Sometimes, I lay in bed with him. Other times, we just watched television or I played him a few of his favorite songs. My favorite times were when he was alert and lucid. We would talk and chat about anything and everything.

My afternoons were filled with a long list of commitments, but when I could escape from reality and didn’t have to be anywhere else, I spent those moments with Dorian. He was my rock. I had no idea what I would’ve done without him. He listened to me, he encouraged me. He touched me with his body, with his words, and with his soul.

Last week, I’d met his family. His mother was lovely and liked me on the spot. I liked her too. To be honest, I’d been afraid to meet her and I wasn’t even sure why. Maybe I was scared she wouldn’t accept me. But when Dorian was playing with Lizzy, leaving me alone with his mother, she looked at me with soft eyes and then she pulled me towards her, hugging me close while whispering in my ear, “Thank you, sweetie. Thank you so much for bringing my son back.”

I wasn’t sure I deserved that kind of credit and was about to say so when she held me tighter and said, “Shut up and accept my thanks.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. I didn’t say a word, only hugged her back, thanking her from the bottom of my heart for giving life to the man who was becoming my everything.

Lizzy, his sister, was adorable. I could only imagine what trouble she was going to cause him as a teenager.

When I mentioned that on our way back home, he only smirked and said, “You mean the trouble she is going to cause
us
. If you think you’re going to bail on me, you have it wrong. I will track you down, put you over my shoulder and drag you back to help me out with her.”

I laughed and even let out a snort with that one. The funny thing was I knew he wasn’t kidding. I was
his
now. I’d been was
his
from the moment he laid eyes on me, and I knew he would never let me go.

I was totally fine with that.

We spent every night together. After that night I’d spent in his apartment, he couldn’t sleep without me. The first few nights apart he’d suffered from nightmares and insomnia. He’d made me swear to never leave him again. Sleeping by my side was his solace. So I agreed. Of course I agreed. We fooled around quite a bit, but we hadn’t had sex yet. I wanted to. There were so many emotions inside me I had to get out. I wasn’t sure at first why we even waited, but Dorian was always in tune with me. He knew exactly
what
I needed,
how
I needed it and
when
I needed it. He worshiped my body as he studied every shape, every curve and every line, learning how to give me the most carnal and satisfying pleasure.

There was something strange, though; he wouldn’t let me put my mouth on him. Yeah, he let me touch him with my hands plenty, and he loved returning the favor with his hands and his mouth. Especially with his mouth. He always murmured how I was his most favorite dessert, and I sometimes felt that he loved pleasuring me more than he loved receiving pleasure.

But there was a time when we were fooling around, and in the heat of the moment, I got down on my knees in front of him and started to undo his belt. My mind was filled with ways to pleasure him, and as my gaze trailed up the bulge in his pants that I was trying to set free, my eyes clashed with his, and the expression I saw plastered across his face was nothing like I expected. I expected to see heat and lust and desire. What I didn’t expect to see was his eyes wide with alarm and fear. He didn’t look like a man who was about to receive pleasure; he looked like a man standing at the edge of a cliff, about to fall into the abyss.