Underwater

In an instant, my world turned upside down

Because of one incident, my life will never be the same

Every day I struggled to breathe

Every day I went through the motions

I felt too much

I was numb

I was drowning

I was lost inside the black

So they made me go there

I was already there, watching from the dark

And then I met him

And then I saw her

He scared me to death

She took my breath away

He was darkness

She was my light

They whispered he can’t be touched

She was the only one I could touch

I couldn’t be with him, they needed me

I fucking needed her

So I told him I would be his friend

I told her I would be her friend. For now.

But I couldn’t resist him for long

She finally realized that she’ll always be mine

We were a hot mess

We were the perfect kind of mess

Then reality dawned on me

Then my demons broke loose

I was underwater, trying to break through to the surface

I reached out my hand, trying to pull her to shore

Could he really help me?

Would she accept me, scars and all?

This was us

This was our story

Dear Diary,

Once upon a time there was a girl.

Life wasn’t kind to her, but no matter what...she always landed on both feet. She lived her life with a smile and was grateful for being alive. She had everything… friends, family, support. But most importantly, she had her dad.

Her precious, loving dad.

They shared a bond so strong, they were inseparable.

One day fate stepped into their lives and destroyed it. Her dad got cancer.

At first, the girl treated his sickness like he had the flu. She couldn’t comprehend that he might be taken away from her. She lived in denial. Day after day, she dedicated all her time caring for him. No matter what he needed she was by his side.

She could see him fading. His body submitting to the terrible sickness, and yet, she couldn’t believe God would be so cruel.

But life sometimes has other plans for us.

The cancer won, and her father died after a year and a half of intense battle. The day he left her, her life lost its meaning. She was sad and scared – scared of losing another loved one. She laughed sometimes, but would often feel guilty afterward. She also felt rage – so much rage.

Until the girl took all that rage and turned it into a book.

This is the girl’s story.

My story.

And it’s all for you, Dad.

Even though you aren’t here to witness it in the flesh, I know you’re in heaven, sitting with the Angels, smiling down at me from above.

I love you,

Until we meet again…

“From every human being there rises a light that reaches straight to heaven, and when two souls that are destined to be together find each other, the streams of light flow together and a single brighter light goes forth from that united being.”

— The Baal Shem Tov

“Your name is upon my tongue

Your image is in my sight

Your memory is in my heart

Where can I send these words that I write?”

— Rumi

W
hat a boring, boring day,
the teenage boy thought to himself. It was winter break, and the boy had run out of things to keep him occupied. To say he was bored out of his mind would be an understatement.

He exhaled a long breath and watched it spiral like smoke toward the sky in the cold air. Sitting on the front steps of his house, hands in the pockets of his coat, he watched the snow fall steadily like white rose petals.

A chilly gust of wind swirled into his bones and made him shiver
. He hated the winter
. To him, the cold was equal to punishment and he’d had enough. Standing to go back inside, he noticed a little girl running down the sidewalk across the street. She looked to be ten or eleven years old. She was running with purpose, her bare feet hitting the dirty asphalt, wearing only a white nightdress, a Disney princess on the front. Her hair fluttered and whipped in the breeze across her young face from the force of the wind.
A second later, he saw a mass of black and brown fur running in front of her.

He blew out a troubled breath and shook his head. She was chasing a damn puppy.

He was just about to turn away from her when he noticed the puppy change direction and head straight towards the road. The little girl, apparently not thinking twice, followed after him.

His heart sank to his gut as he watched her run out into the street without even looking. He had taken exactly two steps in her direction when he heard tires screeching.

His eyes opened wide with alarm.

A red sports car was speeding down the road directly toward them. The car skidded and slipped on the icy asphalt as it tried to slow down.

The boy swallowed the fear that rose in his throat, and without another thought, he ran, slipping twice, toward the girl with one goal in his mind – saving her life.

He made it seconds before the car reached them. He wrapped his arms around her small frame and turned them around so he would be the one to receive the hardest blow.

Not letting her get hurt was all the boy could think about.

Falling on the gritty road, the boy groaned in pain, his head spinning. He ached everywhere.

When the fog of what happened began to clear, he watched the driver continue on as if nothing had happened. The boy came to the conclusion that either the driver did not see them or he was an asshole.

Probably the latter.

When he cast his eyes downward, he noticed that the girl was sprawled across him, her body limp on top of him. Alarmed, he nudged her gently and asked, “Hey, kid. Are you okay?”

The girl didn’t answer. He shook her again, more firmly this time. His heart pounded incessantly.

Please God, let her be okay.

He felt useless, helpless.

What could a boy his age do? He was only seventeen after all.

He rose cautiously, in case she was injured and sat up. He arranged her so she would be lying comfortably across his lap.

Hidden between two cars on the side of the road, the boy touched her face – ever so lightly – and turned her head towards him to check for injuries. There was a cut above her eyebrow and another cut across her left cheek. He tucked his hand into the roots of her hair and probed gently. He sighed with relief when he didn’t feel or see any blood.

The boy wanted to shout for help – to call his mother or his father – but he couldn’t move. He was afraid to leave her alone for even one second.

He tore a piece of fabric from the edge of his black T-Shirt and gently cleaned the blood from the cuts. She looked so peaceful, lying with her eyes closed as if she was asleep and not in danger at all. He looked at her hard, hoping that some miracle would happen and the girl would open her eyes.