Unconditional (9 page)

‘Where did you go?’ I ask. In the weird exchange with Jason I had forgotten I was looking for them.

‘Toilet,’ Joe says curtly. Dannii just looks away. I feel a horrible pang of apprehension.
But where were you?
I think, but she’s started berating Dean for not getting rid of Jason earlier.

‘You invited them,’ he says defensively.

Dannii just rolls her eyes as if he’s the most useless person she’s ever met, then turns to me, saying brightly, ‘C’mon, Ash, lets go have some fun!’ Linking her arm through mine she makes her way back to the kitchen.

‘Want some? Mum left it.’ She waves a bottle of expensive wine in my face. I shrug. The only time I’ve ever drank wine it made me feel sick, but it’s a party and I’m sick of her calling me a bore.

It actually tastes quite nice and I gulp it back, making Dannii giggle.

‘Careful, babe, it’s not pop.’

‘Didn’t know you like wine,’ Joe says behind me, giving Dannii a disapproving glance. Feeling mellower I lean back against his chest, relaxing as his arms go around me. I decide I’m being silly worrying about him and Dannii; he
doesn’t even seem to like her very much.

Dannii starts dancing with Dean, grinding her hips into him. He grabs her butt, winking at Joe. I can’t see Joe’s face and turn my head to look at him. He snatches a kiss, taking me by surprise. I turn round into his arms and kiss him back, darting my tongue between his teeth. I’m more confident about kissing him now, as if I’ve been kissing him on a daily basis for months. He makes a sound like a growl low in his throat, pulling me tighter into him.

‘Let’s leave the lovebirds alone,’ I hear Dean say, and he pulls Dannii out of the kitchen, pulling the door nearly shut behind them. I run a hand through Joe’s hair. Just like last night in the car I can feel his erection through his trousers and shamelessly push my groin into his. It feels so good I can’t help wondering how he would feel inside me. Would it hurt? Just as I have the thought Joe breaks away from our kiss and says softly,

‘You’re a virgin aren’t you?’

I blush and he smiles.

‘Thought so.’

‘Do you mind?’ I ask, hating myself for sounding so unsure of myself but terrified of his reaction. He looks happy.

‘Of course not. I want to be your first.’

My stomach fizzes at the thought but the unwanted thought pops into my mind
Is that all he’s after?
before he quells it, stroking my face and kissing me again.

‘I don’t want to rush you though; I want it to be right. I’ve never been anyone’s first before. And besides’ —he grins—‘we’ve only just got together. Trying to take advantage of me aren’t you?’

He squeezes my butt and I laugh, feeling girlish and giddy and dying to tell Dannii, who will probably never believe that he isn’t trying to get me drunk and drag me
upstairs. That he’s different.

And I’m thrilled that he’s never been anyone’s first, even though it makes me think it also means he’s never been with anyone so inexperienced and wonder why he’s so happy about it. What if I’m no good?

And then I realise something else. I’m taking it for granted that at some point, it’s going to happen. I don’t know exactly when over the last few days I decided I wanted to have sex with Joe, but I do know that yes, Joe is the one. Finally, I’ve met someone I’m ready to give my virginity up to.

And I’m totally terrified.

After another glass of wine I feel more than tipsy, more like nauseous and tired, and Joe insists on walking me back.

‘Can I stay at yours?’ I ask, then instantly blush, realising what it sounds like. ‘Not for…that. But I don’t want Mum to know I’ve been drinking.’

Joe agrees, holding my coat out for me.

‘’Course you can, Steph won’t mind, and I don’t want your mum to get a bad impression of me before we’ve even met.’

I don’t answer that, because the truth is I’m more concerned about Mum meeting Joe than I am about her knowing I’ve been drinking. She would probably be relieved to know I’m acting like a typical teenager and having a drink at a party, but I’m still not sure what her reaction to Joe will be. Fresh out of jail and living on the Estate? He’s hardly every mother’s dream, even though I feel disloyal for thinking it. I need to talk to her about him first, tell her what a good guy he really is, but I don’t seem to be getting the chance lately, what with her newfound social life. I text her to say I’m staying at Dannii’s and swiftly receive an
OK, don’t be late for school. Love you
.

I feel guilty for lying. She trusts me.

When we get back to Joe’s I’m nearly asleep on my feet and he steers me up to bed then goes to make me a coffee. I kick off my shoes and sit on the end of his bed. What do I do now? Even in my half-asleep half-drunken state I’m aware of the awkwardness of the situation. If I sleep in my clothes I’ll have to walk home all smelly and rumpled in the morning but if I take them off it will look like an invitation. In the end I settle for removing my cardi and jeans, leaving me in a bra, vest and quite respectable boy shorts that cover
my butt, then dive under the covers, pulling them up around me. I’m asleep before Joe even comes back up the stairs.

I wake up feeling disorientated. My mouth tastes foul, and for a moment I don’t know where I am, then it comes back to me in a flash. I’m with Joe. In his bed.

His arm is draped over me and he’s curled around me so that my butt is tucked into his groin. He stirs and I can feel him hard against me through our underwear. I’ve heard this is normal for lads in the morning, but even so I freeze, a tremble going through me that could be excitement or fear, or perhaps both. I don’t move away though, enjoying the feel of him wrapped around me. His body is warm and firm, similar and yet so different from mine.

I feel his hand stroking my thigh. I stay still, eyes closed, not sure what to do. The world has dwindled to his hand on my skin, his breath on my neck and his obvious arousal pushed against the softness of my butt. I’m so turned on I want to turn around and jump on him, but I hold back. Not least because judging by the taste in my mouth I must have the worst death breath ever.

Joe kisses the back of my neck, little butterfly kisses that make me quiver. I squirm against him, giggling.

‘Morning, sexy.’

He sounds far too bright and cheerful. I’m not great in the mornings.

‘What time is it?’

‘About seven, I reckon. My alarm hasn’t gone off yet. I have to be at work at eight.’

‘Urgh,’ I moan, pulling the covers over my head. The cold reality of the early morning and my impending hangover cut through my arousal.

‘I haven’t got class ‘til eleven. It’s so early,’ I whine. Joe chuckles, his voice extra deep and sexy with the added
sleepiness.

‘Stay here if you want. Steph won’t mind; she makes a mean breakfast too.’

It sounds tempting, but what will she think? She’ll assume we’ve had sex, and the thought of facing her over the breakfast bar while she bombards me with questions about what I’m getting up to with her nephew fills me with dread. I bury my face in the pillow.

The sound of Joe’s alarm is shrill in the room, making me jump. Joe stretches lazily before getting out of bed. I peek under my pillow at him, at that lush body in his boxers, and a very obvious erection stretching them to a triangle in front of his body. I can’t help giggling.

‘You’ve got morning glory.’

Joe snorts.

‘I’ve had it all night, Ash. Sleeping next to you all night and not touching you wasn’t easy. You’ve got a lovely ass by the way.’

‘You looked?’

He grins.

‘I had a little peek when I got into bed. You were dead to the world. Snoring, in fact.’

‘I was not!’ I squeal, indignant. No one has ever told me I snore before. Then I think about the fact he was turned on all night lying next to me.

‘You must have great self-control. Compared to other boys I mean.’ Great, now I sound like sleeping next to boys in my underwear is a regular pastime for me.

Joe shrugs.

‘I was locked up for six months. I can wait.’

‘It must have been horrible. Jail I mean.’ I pause, wondering if he’ll get that closed off look he does when I mention his past, but he seems more open with me this morning. Something’s changed between us, shifted.

‘It wasn’t too bad. Boring, mostly. I read a lot and used the gym, kept myself to myself. I’m not intending on going back there, I know that much.’

‘Your aunt said you shouldn’t have been there at all,’ I probe. He sits down on the edge of the bed, close to me, putting his hand on my leg through the covers.

‘I went too far, Ash. I saw this poor boy being picked on and it just made me mad. I kept hitting the guy who was bullying him when a warning probably would have done it, and I didn’t care that people were watching. I hate bullies, but I acted like one really. Juvy made me think. I saw so many lads like me who had shitty backgrounds or whatever and you could tell the ones that would overcome it and the ones that would be thugs all their lives.’He glances up at the picture on the wall. ‘I want Mum to be proud of me.’

He looks so vulnerable it makes my breath catch in my throat and I sit up and stroke his shoulder, forgetting about my death breath and bad hair. He sits up and gives a little shake as if literally pulling himself together, then turns and flashes me that wicked grin again.

‘I need a shower. Want to join me?’

I feel myself go hot, flustered at the change of subject and the naughty suggestion, and open and close my mouth, not sure what to say. Joe ruffles my hair.

‘I’m joking, go back to sleep.’ And he disappears off for a shower. I lie back down, but there’s no chance of going back to sleep now. I hear the hum of the water and imagine him standing there, naked, the water running down his body and slicking his hair to his head, and wish I was actually brave enough to just get up and get in there with him.

Breakfast is delicious but awkward. Steph doesn’t ask me
anything personal but keeps giving me knowing looks until I want to just burst out ‘I’m not having sex with him’ but of course I don’t. I’m too aware that there should be a ‘yet’ on the end of that statement too.

I need to talk to someone about this. There’s so much I don’t know. Dannii is the obvious choice of course, but for some reason I don’t want to share this with her. I know sex doesn’t mean much to Dannii, whereas my decision to sleep with Joe is massive, and she just won’t get it. I don’t want it reduced to a giggly conversation about the size of his willy or what position to do it in.

So after leaving Steph I end up at Rianne’s. If anyone knows about consequences and bad decisions, it’s her.

She opens the door looking as harassed as ever. Her hair’s a mess and she looks as though she’s lost weight in the last week. Her face lights up when she sees me though.

‘Ash! Come in, I’m so bored. Gabe’s sleeping a bit better, thank God, but if I have to watch anymore daytime talk shows I’m going to go crazy. I was just folding laundry.’

‘Sounds fun.’

I help Rianne fold clothes while she chatters away about the baby and Mitch, who’s back on day shifts and back at home. It sounds as though they’re getting on better.

‘So, enough about me. Any gossip?’

I can’t help myself smiling, a proper split your face grin, as I tell her about Joe rescuing me in the park, and our date and our kisses and my decision that at some point, I want him to be my first. Rianne widens her eyes in excitement.

‘Oh, wow, that sounds so romantic. You should go for it, Ash. I’m so jealous. My first time was with Mitch round the back of McDonalds after a bottle of cider. Not very classy.’

She looks sad for a minute.

‘But you’re still together, and you love him right?’

She nods enthusiastically.

‘Oh, yeah, he’s a good guy and a great dad. But it could easily have been so different. He could have been a total loser and not wanted to know, and I could never have done this on my own. I still wish I’d waited to get to know him too, so it was special. Imagine having to tell Gabe when he’s older where he was conceived! We’ll have to make something up.’

‘You should call him Mac,’ I quip, making her laugh before I say more seriously, ‘That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. You know, contraception and stuff.’

Rianne stops folding and stares at me, then bursts into near hysterical giggles. I frown, totally confused until she says, wiping away tears of laughter;

‘Ash, you’re hilarious. You want sensible advice on contraception so you ask someone who got pregnant at fifteen?’

She has got a point. I start laughing myself, realising the ridiculousness of the situation. After the laundry though we sit down with cans of Coke and crisp sandwiches – all Rianne gets time to eat, by the look of her – and we get serious again.

‘You must use something now,’ I point out.

‘Oh, yeah. I love Gabe to bits but I couldn’t do it again, it’s so hard. As soon as we started talking about having sex again I went straight on the Pill. They do new ones now that are less dangerous for younger women and stuff.’

Maybe I need to book a doctor’s appointment. But it just seems so grown up and, well, unsexy.

‘You could just use a condom,’ Rianne points out. I wince, remembering the time we had sex education class in the last year at school and had to practice putting condoms on these white cylinder things. I managed to rip a big hole in mine, whereas Dannii had the class in stitches and the teacher up in arms by demonstrating how to put one on
with your mouth. Rianne missed that class; she had just found out she was pregnant.

Perhaps I should have gone to Dannii for advice after all. She’s been on the Pill since the age of thirteen; that trip to the doctors was the extent of her mum’s attempt to talk to her about the birds and the bees.

Being around mounds of baby clothes and looking at the bags under Rianne’s eyes is probably all the advice I need, I muse as I phone the doctors on my way to sixth form to make an appointment for the morning. I freeze when the receptionist asks me the nature of my problem.

‘Er, I need contraception,’ I blurt out, glad she can’t see my face. There’s a pause. I can practically smell her disapproval.