Unconditional (12 page)

‘How is this funny?’ I demand in outrage. Joe just shakes his head, grinning down at me.

‘Well?’

‘It’s not that what you said is funny, it’s just that when you said you had to tell me something…’

‘Yes?’ I snap at him, completely confused. He stops grinning and looks embarrassed.

‘I thought you were going to tell me you didn’t want to see me anymore.’ He shuffles from one foot to the other, and I feel a rush of love for him. That’s why he looked so pissed off, why he got that defensive expression. I touch his lips then place a light kiss on them, and he looks happy again.

‘Why on earth would you think that,’ I murmur, not really expecting an answer, which is just as well because he just shrugs, a gesture of his I’m starting to understand as ‘I
don’t want to get into that conversation right now’.

‘So, about the condom thing?’ I prompt, feeling less embarrassed about the whole topic now we’ve established what it was I needed to say.

‘I had a full medical in jail, and I used a condom with that girl after I got out. Does that answer your question? But I don’t mind wearing one if you want me to.’

He would sound a lot more convincing if he hadn’t said that with such a look of abject martyrdom on his face but still, I appreciate the sentiment. The whole ‘that girl’ thing bothers me too.

‘Who was she?’

He looks surprised.

‘Just some girl, Ash. I doubt that you’d know her. I’ve never seen her since.’

That makes me feel a bit better, but paradoxically I don’t like the way he speaks about this unnamed girl. Surely sex should be more important than that?

‘What’s wrong?’

I look at him with what I hope is a stern expression, though I feel my eyes soften as I look at his face. He looks so boyish and cute when he’s not scowling, it makes me melt.

‘I don’t want you to ever talk about me like that. You know, that I’m ‘just some girl’.’

He pulls me towards him again and tugs at a curl near the side of my face.

‘You’re already a lot more than that to me. You must know that?’

His eyes search my face, looking unsure of himself again. I nod, snuggling against him, trying to ignore the small gnawing doubt that still remains. It’s just my own insecurities, I tell myself.

Joe seems reluctant to really touch me for the rest of the
evening, and I can’t tell if I’ve hurt his feelings or if he’s trying to be careful around me so I don’t think he’s just after the one thing. We have a brief snog when he walks me back, me leaving earlier than expected.

‘I do need to study,’ I tell him, though really I just want to go home and think about things. He pulls back from me looking worried.

‘We’re okay aren’t we?’

‘Of course,’ I reassure him, squeezing his hand, surprised at this more sensitive side of him.

‘I really do care about you, Ash. More than care, I think.’

My heart does a backflip at his words. Is he trying to tell me he loves me, or thinks he might? I can’t stop the smile from stretching my cheeks.

‘Me too,’ I say, and we both stand there grinning like idiots and holding hands before we finally tear ourselves away from each other and I practically skip the rest of the way home. I feel so happy, I decide I’m going to go home and tell Mum about Joe, and talk to her about whatever’s going on with her and Dad. I’ve been horrible the past few days and I’m starting to feel guilty.

When I get in I can hear low music from Mum’s room upstairs and smile to myself. Sometimes when she wants to relax she’ll lie in her room with her music on and doodle in her scrapbooks or even read one of my romances. It’ll be easier to talk to her if she’s in a mellow mood. I’m surprised to find I’m even quite looking forward to it. I hang up my coat and go upstairs, noticing her door is half-open. I run up the last couple of steps.

And freeze.

Through the half-open door I can see her, half obscured but undoubtedly naked, her head tipped back, eyes closed and lips half parted, her glorious curls falling back over the bed. Rearing above her, his back to me, are the
unmistakable dark curls of my dad.

‘No!’ I shout, thumping on the door in a rage before turning and running back down the stairs, hot tears hitting my cheeks and rolling down my face onto my chest.

‘Ashley!’ I hear Mum shriek behind me. ‘Wait!’ But I’m out the front door and running down the path before she’s got time to get dressed and come after me. I hear Sabre bark behind me and pause just to shut the gate so he can’t get out then I’m running again, my vision blurry with tears and the sound of my own heart beat angry and fierce in my ears. How could they? I ask myself over and over as I run. How could they? Okay, I was prepared for the possibility they might get back together but to see that…I feel sick and angry and for reasons I can’t explain even betrayed. I carry on running until I get a cramp in my side and my chest feels ready to explode and then stop, leaning on my knees as I catch my breath. I’m at the park. Without even consciously thinking about it I’ve run towards Joe’s. I hesitate, wondering if I should really go to him with this, and wary of walking through the park where I was harassed before, but I know there’s no one else I want to run to, not even Dannii.

I walk through the park with my head down, my steps brisk, but thankfully it’s empty anyway. I feel exhausted and drained by the time I get to Joe’s house and seeing my reflection in the glass down the centre of the front door I can tell I look a total state. My hair’s all over the place and my mascara is making dirty tracks down my cheeks where I’ve been crying. I rub furiously at my face as the door opens but it obviously doesn’t help as Steph stares at me in horror.

‘Jesus, child, you look like no one owns you,’ she exclaims as she ushers me in, looking horrified. ‘Whatever’s the matter?’

‘Is Joe in?’ I snuffle, but before she can answer Joe is there, practically shoving Steph to one side and grabbing me by the arms, looking alarmed as I burst into tears again.

‘What is it? Has someone hurt you? Tell me who it was.’

‘No,’ I say quickly, wiping at my eyes, ‘nothing like that.’

As I explain what’s happened through my sobs I start to feel a bit silly. Compared to the things Joe has been through it sounds so trivial, but I can’t shake off the image of them together or sort through the mess of emotions it’s churned up inside me. Steph makes a cup of tea that she pushes into my hand before making herself scarce and Joe follows me up to his room where I sit on the bed, shaking from the crying and running so far without a coat.

‘I’m cold,’ I say and Joe pulls his jumper off and drapes it round my shoulders. Even in this mess I feel a pulse of desire at the sight of his toned torso and the thick muscles in his arms.

‘You might be in shock,’ he says, sitting next to me and pulling me onto his lap. His skin is warm and comforting and I lay my head on his chest.

‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper.

‘For what?’

‘Coming to you with this, when you’ve been through so much with your own mum and dad. I must sound stupid.’

He kisses the top of my head.

‘Don’t be daft. I think you need to talk to them when you’ve calmed down, but not right now.’

I feel like I don’t want to talk to either of them ever again.

‘It was just gross,’ I say, trying to blot out the image of my own mother with her head thrown back over the bed. Joe chuckles.

‘It’s always gross knowing your parents are at it. But
you have to remember as your mum’s only young really, she’s got to have a life of her own.’

‘Did you ever catch yours?’ I ask curiously. He shakes his head.

‘I was small when Dad got sent down, and there was never anyone else for Mum. She was waiting for him to get out. He’s only got a couple of years now, but then of course she got sick.’ His voice sounds strangled and I sit up, pulling him to me now. The awful sadness of his story makes me want to cry all over again.

‘Your poor dad,’ I say, and Joe looks at me with disgust.

‘Don’t try and make it all romantic, Ash. If he hadn’t got himself locked up she wouldn’t have been on her own all those years and maybe she wouldn’t have got sick.’

And you wouldn’t have been left on your own, I think. I know he’s got Steph and she’s lovely, but it can’t be the same. We sit in silence for a few moments, just holding each other, before he asks.

‘What is it you’re so worried about? That he’ll come between you and your mum?’

I shake my head but even as I do I wonder if there’s an element of that. After all it’s been just the two of us for so long. But mostly, I’m just worried for her.

‘I don’t trust him,’ I try to explain. ‘I know that sounds awful because he’s my dad but he walked out on her before, how can she believe he won’t do it again?’ It makes me mad that she could be that stupid, that she can just take him back as soon as he comes creeping with his tail between his legs.

Joe lies me back on the bed and spoons in behind me, his arms wrapped around me, making me feel safe. He doesn’t talk, just holds me and I feel myself relax. It seems so right, lying with him like this, and after a while I drift off to sleep, leaving my tea to go cold on the dresser.

When I wake up it’s dark and Joe’s arms are heavy around me. I stretch my legs, stiff and groggy as I come to and take in where I am. The events of the evening come back to me and I feel a stab of anger towards my parents and then guilt at running off and not telling Mum where I am. Or at least lying and making out I’m at Dannii’s. I left my phone in my coat pocket when I ran out and for a moment I panic, then decide if she was running around looking for me than either Dannii or Rianne would have directed her here. No doubt she’s too busy with Dad and is probably glad to get rid of me, I can’t help but think bitterly.

As I turn over, shifting Joe’s arm where it lies heavy across my chest he murmurs and stirs, opening his eyes and looking at me. For a second he looks confused, then I see the sleep fog clear from his eyes and he smiles like he’s pleased to see me. He sits up and stretches, the muscles in his shoulders tensing and rippling. I sit up and run my fingertips down his naked back and then back up. Feeling bold I drag my fingernails across his skin, scratching him oh so lightly. He makes a funny sound low in his throat and turns to me with an intense look on his face. He crushes his mouth against mine and I respond hungrily, as if he’s food and I haven’t eaten for days. The taste and smell and feel of him drives all thoughts and worries about earlier from my mind and I pull him down on top of me, breaking away from our kiss and nipping at his neck, then drawing his ear lobe into my mouth and sucking on it. His whole body gives a little shudder and he groans. His hands slide up my body and disappear under my shirt and I lift my back to allow him more room. His hands slide up my back and down again, around my stomach and up to my breasts and I arch up again, trying to let him know without words that yes, I want him. He pushes my top up my body
and I wriggle out of it as he fumbles at my bra. It takes a few moments for him to unclip it, then he takes it off with a tenderness that almost makes me cry again. Topless before him, I have to fight the urge to cover my boobs with my hands.

Because he’s staring at me as if I’m the most gorgeous thing he’s ever seen, which is lovely but kind of embarrassing too. I feel so exposed I pull him down to kiss me, more to break the eye contact than out of passion, but it quickly turns passionate. His hands and then mouth are all over my boobs, and I can feel the heat growing in my body. I reach my hand down to the front of his jeans and unlike the first time in the car, he doesn’t stop me. Feeling brave I go for his zipper.

I fumble to get my hand inside his boxers, then gasp as I come into contact with him. It feels thicker and harder than I had imagined and although the feel of him turns me on I’m nervous too. I just can’t imagine how he will fit inside me.

I slide his jeans and boxer shorts over his hips and wrap my hand around him. He puts his hand over mine and moves it in long slow strokes and I can feel him pulse beneath my hand. His eyes are closed and his breath coming in gasps and I feel almost powerful. Then he moves my hand away, pinning it back behind my head and leaning down to kiss me again.

‘You’re so sexy,’ he breathes into my mouth and I kiss him hard in response and grind my hips into him. He takes the hint and unzips my own jeans, pulling them slowly down my thighs and then kissing his way back up my body, little light touches that make me shiver. He strokes me through my knickers, gently then more insistently. There’s a question in his eyes and in answer I lift my hips so he can slide them down. I close my eyes, feeling shy
again as his gaze drinks me in. He looks at me like I’m beautiful, but it’s an almost scary feeling. I’ve never been naked like this in front of a guy, and I can’t imagine ever getting used to it. Still, when he touches me, his fingers stroking carefully between my thighs, I part my legs for him without even thinking about it. He slips a finger inside me and I gasp.

‘Does it hurt?’ he stops, looking concerned. I shake my head, opening my eyes and smiling at him.

‘It doesn’t hurt at all,’ I whisper.

We touch each other for a while longer, exploring each other, and I soon forget my shyness, losing myself in each new sensation. I feel kind of awkward and fumbly, it’s no Hollywood movie or even a scene from one of my romances, but somehow everything is just right. After a while we stop and he pulls himself up on his hands, leaning over me. He’s lying in between my legs now and I can feel his erection nudging against me. I rub myself against it, trying to let him know I’m ready, but he looks unsure.

‘Do you want to?’ he asks, and I nod, biting my lip.

‘You’re sure? Because I don’t want to rush you.’

‘Sssh,’ I say. ‘I’m sure.’

Then I think of something.

‘Have you got a condom?’ I blush as I say it but he nods quickly.

‘Yeah, hang on.’ He gets up and goes to a drawer and I sit up, cold without the heat of his body on me and feeling exposed. I hope I haven’t ruined the moment. But I left my bag when I ran out and I can’t start taking those Pills until my next period. I don’t want to have any regrets in the morning. I want it to be perfect, even though I know nothing is ever perfect and Dannii says the first time is always rubbish.