Unconditional (13 page)

As he comes back over and kneels in front of me I panic, wondering if he’ll expect me to put it on for him, but thankfully he does it himself, cursing when he realises it’s inside out and has to start again. I giggle and feel more relaxed knowing he’s not so smooth himself.

I feel myself tense when he lies me back and moves back to his position between my thighs but he doesn’t go straight for it. Instead he kisses me and touches me with his hands again until I’m pulling at his hips wanting him, and only then does he start to nudge himself inside me.

There’s a sudden intense pressure, not pain exactly, more a slight stretching sensation, then my body relaxes and as he begins to move in me it feels nice. Really nice. I lift my legs up and grab his bum, feeling his muscles tense as he moves. He looks down at me with that unreadable expression and his next words take me by surprise.

‘I love you, Ash.’

I gasp and open my mouth to say it back but I’m cut off by him kissing me hard. I grip him tighter, overcome with emotion and I feel my body moving in time with his.

We’re finally doing it. Me and Joe.

And it’s perfect, it really is.

Over breakfast the next morning I have to pinch myself to make sure it’s not all a dream. I keep staring at Joe, watching him wolf down the bacon and eggs Steph has made for us before going off to her cleaning job, watching the way the muscles in his jaw move as if transfixed. He catches me looking and beams at me, fork halfway to his mouth, and his egg slides off and plops onto the plate. He looks down and laughs.

‘I’m like a love struck teenager,’ he says, shaking his head.

‘Er, you are a teenager,’ I point out. He pulls a face at me,
then chuckles again. I love the way his face creases up when he laughs.

‘You make me feel happy,’ he says simply, and goes back to his breakfast while I sit bubbling with joy. My stomach is too fluttery with butterflies to eat. It’s not just the fact that we had sex, although it has in some undefinable way changed things between us, made it feel more real perhaps, it’s the fact he said ‘I love you’. I know it was in the heat of the moment, but it doesn’t occur to me to doubt it. I just wish he had given me more of a chance to say it back. Announcing it over bacon doesn’t feel appropriate somehow.

Instead I wait until we part company on the way to his work and sixth form, and blurt it out as we’re kissing goodbye.

‘I love you too you know,’ I say, as if needing to reaffirm the fact that he said it first.

‘I know,’ he says airily, then adds before I can playfully thump him for being so arrogant, ‘I’ve never felt like this about a girl.’

He goes off to work, not looking back, while I stand gobsmacked staring after him.

Classes speed by, with me barely aware of anything said to me and my face aching from smiling so much. When I get a call from Mum at lunch telling me to come straight home this afternoon because she wants to talk, even the memory of my discovery last night can’t shake my good mood. After all, I reason to myself, if this is how Dad makes her feel, how can I begrudge her that? My blossoming love for Joe is casting a rosy glow over everything.

I feel like I’ve got a naughty secret too. As I shift around on the uncomfortable wooden chairs in History I feel a slight soreness in my body, not painful exactly but slightly
raw, but I almost welcome the sensation as it brings with it a flashback of Joe inside me last night. Finally, I get what the fuss is all about.

It’s as if there’s a kind of aura around me, and I’m amazed no one else can see it. Like a neon sign flashing above my head that says ‘I’m not a virgin anymore!’. But of course everyone goes about their usual day without noticing anything, apart from maybe the fact that I’m grinning like an idiot. To me, though, I feel changed, like my whole body has changed, and as if there should be some outward difference. I’ve had sex! And not just sex. Sex with Joe.

I almost skip home. Although I am worried about facing Mum, I’m confident we can talk and sort everything out. I can’t stop her being with Dad, I can’t stop them loving each other, any more than anything or anyone could stop me loving Joe. Today, the world feels like a better place.

Until, that is, I get home.

I assumed Mum wanted to talk to me about her and Dad, and I had decided in my loved-up state that I was going to be understanding and not act like a sulky teen, but as soon as I see the look on her face I know it’s not going to go like that.

I’m in trouble.

I haven’t seen that look on her face since I got caught playing truant, but I know exactly what it means; she’s disappointed in me. And totally furious.

‘Er, hi,’ I say brightly, but she doesn’t speak. She’s just sitting at the kitchen table, regarding me with that look, which makes me feel about eight years old again. I wonder if she’s mad at me for running off and not coming back all night, which would be pretty justified, but as I open my mouth to explain she holds up a hand to cut me off.

‘Just sit down please.’

I pull out a chair opposite her, my eyes darting around the room until they come to rest on the object sitting on the table in front of her, and my heart sinks into my stomach like a lead weight. No butterflies now.

The bag of condoms from the doctor, with its colourful selection of lubricants in little plastic packets sits on the table like a time bomb.

Shit.

I don’t know what to do or say so I go on the defensive, crossing my own arms in mimicry of her posture and glaring at the table.

‘You’ve been snooping around my room,’ I accuse. It’s not just a tactic; I genuinely feel hurt. I’ve never known Mum to pry through my things, and now I wonder if she’s always done it, if she’s never trusted me as much as I’ve thought.

‘Just as well,’ she snaps, ‘as you clearly weren’t going to mention this to me yourself.’

I shrug, feeling guilty for not confiding in her and angry at her hypocrisy all at the same time. Although to be fair I suppose her affair with Dad has been kind of obvious, but I’ve been avoiding talking about it. Just as I’ve kept Joe from her. I shift uncomfortably as she taps her nails on the tabletop, waiting for some kind of explanation. All of a sudden I don’t want to tell her anything, don’t want my special moments with Joe to be viewed as if I’ve done something wrong.

‘I’ve done nothing wrong,’ I snap. ‘I’m seventeen. I’m going to have sex sooner or later. I would have thought you would be happy I’m prepared.’

‘You’re more than prepared, Ashley,’ she bites back, her eyes narrowed. I hardly recognise her like this, all cold and harsh. Part of me wants a hug, wants my loving smiley Mum, but then the image of her last night, rolling around
with Dad, comes to me and I sneer, looking away with disdain. She carries on regardless, her words clipped and hard, hammering into the space between us like nails. ‘And I found the Pill packets too. And one of these boxes has been opened and has a condom missing. What the hell is going on?’

‘What do you think?’ I retort. Mum sucks in an angry breath.

‘Well, who is it? The boy you went on the date with?’

I shrug and then nod, kicking at the table leg. I know I’m not helping myself here, acting like a sulky kid when I could be using the opportunity to have the heart to heart I wanted, but I can’t seem to help it.

‘You’ve only known him for five minutes. You don’t know anything about him!’

A sudden desire to lash out makes me answer her, telling her the things I’ve been hiding.

‘What do you want to know? He lives on the Estate, and he’s not long got out of jail. Juvenile offenders. His mum’s dead and his dad’s in prison for armed robbery. And yes, I’m having sex with him. Happy?’

Mum’s mouth falls open in shock, but she regains her composure quickly, drawing herself up and taking a deep breath. I know that means she’s angry, and trying to keep her temper in check, and for some reason that makes me mad and want to provoke her. Her next words tip me over the edge.

‘How can you be so irresponsible?’ She shakes her head as if she can’t believe my stupidity.

That does it. I stand up in a fury, pushing the chair away.

‘How am I irresponsible?’ I shout indignantly. ‘I’m seventeen! I went to the doctors and sorted contraception out first. How much more responsible do you want me to be? At least I’m not like you, having a baby at sixteen. You
should be happy! You were always worrying about me not being interested in boys, and now I am and you’re acting like this.’

I stop and take a breath, angry tears stinging my eyes. This is so unfair.

‘That’s the whole point,’ she shouts back. ‘You’ve always been so sensible, and now you’re running around having sex with some boy you don’t even know who sounds like a complete idiot.’

I bristle furiously at that, ignoring the little voice in the back of my brain that points out I did just deliberately paint the worst picture of him possible.

‘At least he’s not running around behind my back!’ I scream, seeing the hurt flash in her eyes as I bring that up, again. ‘And at least you didn’t come in and catch me in bed like a bitch on heat.’

Mum jumps to her feet at that and for a horrible moment I think she’s going to slap me, but instead she just hisses through her teeth at me.

‘Get out of my sight’.

‘Fine.’ I stomp upstairs to my room like I really am eight years old again, slamming the door behind me. I sit there fuming, struggling not to cry. The day started off so well, I was so happy, but now I feel wretched. And as angry as I am at my mum, I can’t believe I was so evil to her.

I’m debating with myself whether or not to go down and apologise when she knocks at my door and then pops her head round.

‘Come in,’ I say tearfully, relieved to see she looks calmer.

‘I’m sorry I called you irresponsible,’ she says softly. ‘I was just hurt that you hadn’t confided in me. But going to see the doctor was very sensible and I’m proud of you for that.’

I smile, wiping the tears that bubble over my lashes onto my sleeve. I’m about to say sorry back when she continues;

‘But I don’t think it’s a good idea that you see this boy anymore.’

I gape at her.

‘He sounds like bad news, Ashley, and I don’t want you throwing yourself away on some criminal. I may have made mistakes, but at least me and your father stayed together and raised you and did our best to lead decent lives. How can you want to be with someone like that?’

‘But, Mum,’ I protest, realising just how much damage I’ve done with my comments about Joe, ‘I was just trying to shock you. He’s really nice, he works and he’s lovely to me and…’ I trail off as Mum raises her hand.

‘Is it true? That he’s been to prison?’

I nod dumbly.

‘For what?’

‘Fighting. Assault. But he was protecting someone. Mum honestly, if you meet him, you’ll understand.’

She just shakes her head at me.

‘If that’s the case then why haven’t I already met him or even been told about him?’

There’s nothing I can say to that. I haven’t told her about Joe because I was afraid this would be her reaction, and now I’ve gone and caused exactly what I was scared of. I try to protest again, but her mind’s made up.

‘I don’t want you to see him anymore. You’re grounded for the rest of the evening. I’ll be having a word with your father later.’

The mention of Dad makes me mad again. If I hadn’t caught them in bed together yesterday none of this would even have happened.

‘You’re a hypocrite,’ I spit at her. ‘You haven’t told me what you’ve been getting up to have you? Do you think
that’s what I want?’

But she looks unmoved.

‘I am an adult, Ashley, I don’t need your approval. As for…my situation…we were both going to sit you down and talk to you about it this week. I wasn’t expecting you back so early yesterday. I’m sorry you had to see that. But that doesn’t change anything.’

‘Go to hell,’ I snap, furious. Grounded! I haven’t been grounded since I was thirteen. It occurs to me that she can’t stop me if I decide to get up and walk out, but then a feeling of being completely drained takes over me and I turn my back, curling up into a ball like I used to do in the days after Dad left.

‘Ash…’ I hear her take a step towards me, her voice full of concern now.

‘Go away,’ I say, and she does, closing the door quietly behind her. I sit like that for ages, crying silently to myself because I don’t want her to hear, before I uncurl and lie down on the bed, wishing I was back in Joe’s arms and none of this had happened.

How long I lie here I don’t know, but when the door knocks again it’s growing dim outside. I sit up, feeling heavy and drained. I can’t cope with another argument.

‘Come in.’ Maybe she’s calmed down, and I can explain to her about Joe. Or maybe it’s Dad. Oh God, I so can’t deal with this right now.

But it’s neither of them. It’s Dannii’s pretty blonde head that pops round my door this time, and on seeing the state of me she rushes over and sits down next to me, shutting the door behind her.

‘Oh my God, are you okay? I knew there was something wrong when I saw your Mum’s face. Is it Joe? I bet he’s dumped you hasn’t he?’

‘No of course not.’

Am I imagining things or is there a flicker of disappointment in her eyes?

‘What’s wrong then?’

I fill her in on what’s happened with Mum without going into detail about me and Joe. Even so that’s the first thing she picks up on.

‘So you’ve done it then?’

I nod, unable to stop myself grinning in spite of my upset.

‘Yeah, last night. It was really nice though Dannii, he was really gentle and—’

‘Isn’t it a bit soon?’ she cuts in. I screw my face up in surprise. Huh? Coming from her?

‘God you sound like Mum,’ I complain, annoyed. ‘Why can’t you just be happy for me?’

‘I’m just worried about you that’s all. One minute you’re hardly interested in boys at all, and now you’re shagging some ASBO wannabe. I can understand what your Mum’s saying, Ash.’

I can’t believe this. Out of everyone, Dannii should understand. I think back to the last couple of weeks, to the way she’s been about me and Joe and the way she drapes herself over him. ‘You’re jealous,’ I say, realising as I say it that it’s the truth. Dannii looks shocked, then laughs, but I can tell my observation has hit home.