Uncle John’s Heavy Duty Bathroom Reader@ (38 page)

What Happened:
Parish promptly notified the bank of the error, but Lloyd’s TSB insisted that nothing was amiss. “The bank does not make mistakes,” an employee told her. Parish returned to the bank four more times to report the error, but was rebuffed each time. Her “little problem,” as bank employees called it, became a bit of a joke at the branch. When an internal review found that no mistake had been made, an exasperated bank employee told Parish, “Look, it’s your money, my dear. Spend it!”

So Parish spent it.

She used the money to pay off a mortgage on another property. That’s when Lloyd’s TSB realized they had indeed made an error…and that’s when they had Parish arrested for theft. And on top of demanding the £47,000 back, the bank wanted her to pay them an additional £25,000 (about $36,000) in interest, legal fees, and other costs.

Outcome:
The judge threw out the criminal case after prosecutors decided “it was not in the public interest” to prosecute Parish, but she still had to pay back the £47,000 with interest, which she did by remortgaging her property. Lloyd’s waived its legal fees as a “gesture of goodwill,” but at last report the bank was still refusing to apologize for its mistake. “Mrs. Parish was aware the money in her account belonged to the bank but proceeded to withdraw the funds knowing they were not hers to spend,” says a Lloyd’s spokesperson. (Parish no longer banks with Lloyd’s TSB.)

SHUSH!

“It’s funny that we think of libraries as quiet demure places where we are shushed by dusty, bun-balancing, bespectacled women. The truth is libraries are raucous clubhouses for free speech, controversy, and community. Librarians have stood up to the PATRIOT Act, sat down with noisy toddlers and reached out to illiterate adults. Libraries can never be shushed.”

—Paula Poundstone

Age when driving skills start to decline: 65. Age when most people stop driving: 85.

DON’T CALL ME LIZ

In 2009 a lobbyist from JP Morgan Chase e-mailed the office of Rep. Jim McDermott (D-WA) requesting a meeting. The recipient was Elizabeth Becton, the congressman’s scheduler. After a week, she still hadn’t responded. So the lobbyist wrote her again, and made one crucial mistake. Here’s the exchange
.

From:
[Name redacted—we’ll call him “Chase Lobbyist.”]

Hi Liz, Just checking in on whether the Congressman is available next week. Thank you! Best, Chase

_____________________________

From:
Elizabeth Becton

Who is Liz?

_____________________________

From:
Chase Lobbyist

Hi Elizabeth, I thought you went by Liz, apologies if that’s incorrect. Best, Chase

_____________________________

From:
Elizabeth Becton

I do not go by Liz. Where did you get your information?

_____________________________

From:
Chase Lobbyist

Hi Elizabeth, I’m so sorry if I offended you! I thought you’d gone by Liz at Potlatch [a paper company]. My mistake. Best, Chase

_____________________________

From:
Elizabeth Becton

NEVER. I hate that name.

_____________________________

From:
Chase Lobbyist

Hi Elizabeth, I’m so sorry if I offended you! I must have mis-heard. My mistake! Best, Chase

_____________________________

From:
Elizabeth Becton

Chase, if I wanted you to call me by any other name, I would have offered that to you. I think it’s rude when people don’t even ask permission and take all sorts of liberties with your name. This is a real sore spot with me. My name has a lot of “nicknames” which I don’t use. I use either my first name or my last name because I row with a lot of other women who share the same first name. Now, please do not ever call me by a nickname again.

Third caller to talk to Bill Clinton after he won the ’92 election: Whoopi Goldberg.

_____________________________

From:
Chase Lobbyist

Hi Elizabeth, I’m so sorry I offended you! My mistake! Best, Chase

_____________________________

From:
Elizabeth Becton

Chase, sounds like you got played by someone who KNOWS I hate that name and that it’s a fast way to TICK me off. Who told you that I go by that name? They are not your friend…

_____________________________

From:
Chase Lobbyist

Hi Elizabeth, Again, I am sincerely sorry for offending you. I don’t want to cause trouble as I clearly must have mis-heard the person. It was in no way my intention to make you upset. Best, Chase

_____________________________

From:
Elizabeth Becton

I REALLY want to know who told you to call me that.

_____________________________

From:
Chase Lobbyist

Hi Elizabeth. Again, I am sincerely sorry. I don’t recall who I overheard. It was in no way my intention to upset you. Best, Chase

_____________________________

From:
Elizabeth Becton

Let me put it this way, they don’t know me and perhaps they were PRETENDING to know me better than they do and pretended that I go by Liz. They did YOU a disservice. In the future, you should be VERY careful about such things. People like to brag about their connections in DC. It's a pastime for some. It’s also dangerous to eavesdrop, as you have just found out. Quit apologizing and never call me anything but Elizabeth again. Also, make sure you correct anyone who attempts to call me by any other name but Elizabeth. Are we clear on this?

EPILOGUE:
After the e-mail exchange was leaked to the press, McDermott’s spokesperson apologized for Becton’s behavior: “This is not reflective of the way we do business in this office.” (There were no reports on whether the meeting ever took place.)

Poll results: 14% of American men have had their credit card declined while on a date.

AMAZING ANAGRAMS

An anagram is when you rearrange the letters in a word or phrase to get a new word or phrase. Sometimes, the new phrase is a fitting commentary on the original phrase; sometimes it’s just funny
.

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
becomes
…
DINE OUT: TASTE A 'MAC, FRIES

TWENTY THOUSAND LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA
becomes…
HUGE
WATER TALE STUNS. END HAD YOU TENSE.

THE SILENCE OF THE
LAMBS becomes
…
THE CON BITES MALE FLESH

THE AMERICAN DREAM
becomes
…
MEET A DEAR, RICH MAN

RUDOLPH, THE RED-NOSED REINDEER
becomes
…
DEPLORED, HE IS THE ODDER RUNNER

WALTER CRONKITE
becomes
…
NETWORK RECITAL

THE IRS
becomes
…
THEIRS

MADAME CURIE
becomes
…
ME? RADIUM ACE

NEW YORK YANKEES
becomes
…
SNEAKY OWNER KEY

RICHARD MILHOUSE NIXON
becomes
…
HIS CLIMAX RUINED
HONOR

ROMEO AND JULIET becomes
…
ONE JILTED AMOUR

MICKEY AND MINNIE MOUSE
becomes
…
KID MICE MEAN MONEY IN U.S.

THE GREAT DEPRESSION
becomes
…
OH, DO I SEE GDP SHATTERER?

THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY
becomes
…
HI! BEHOLD BURLY GUY’S POT!

SLURPEE
becomes
…
REPULSE

SPAM LUNCHEON MEAT
becomes
…
MEANS CHUM ON PLATE

Wettest October in recorded American history: October 2009.

ACT YOUR AGE

There are many reasons why casting directors hire older actors to play teenagers. They might want more-experienced performers, or they may want to avoid child labor laws, for example. But sometimes they go a little bit
too
old
.

M
OVIES
•
Grease
.
The four main characters in the 1978 movie were all supposed to be 18 years old. Actual ages of the actors: John Travolta (Danny) was 23, Olivia Newton-John (Sandy) was 29, Jeff Conaway (Kenickie) was 27, and Stockard Channing (Rizzo) was 33—nearly twice the age of the character she was playing.

•
Sorority Boys
.
Stand-up comedian Harland Williams co-starred in this 2002 college comedy. His character is supposed to be around 21. Williams was 40.

•
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
.
Ferris Bueller was an iconic teenage character, still in high school…portrayed by 24-year-old Matthew Broderick. (For the 1990
Ferris Bueller
TV series, the role went to 24-year-old Charlie Schlatter.)

•
Joan of Arc
.
Ingrid Bergman starred in husband Roberto Rossellini’s 1954 film about Joan of Arc,
Giovanna d’Arco Al Rogo
. Her age at the time: 39. Joan of Arc’s age in the movie: 14.

•
Harry Potter
.
In the film series, Moaning Myrtle is a depressed ghost who haunts a girl’s school bathroom. Why is she so depressed? Because she was murdered at age 14. Myrtle was first portrayed by actress Shirley Henderson, who was 36.

TELEVISION

•
Happy Days
.
In 1974 Henry Winkler portrayed 17-year-old Fonzie on
Happy Days
. Winkler was 29.

•
Beverly Hills, 90210
.
Gabrielle Carteris was 29 when she took on the role of 14-year-old Andrea Zuckerman.

•
The Beverly Hillbillies
.
This show did the opposite, casting an actress
younger
than the character she was portraying. Irene Ryan was 60 when she played Granny in 1962. How old was Granny? She mentions once that she’d taken part in a beauty contest as an 18-year-old in 1897, which would mean she was 83 in 1962.

How about you? On a typical day, 34% of American adults take a nap.

•
Hannah Montana
.
Jason Earles portrayed the title character’s brother, Jackson, whose age was never explicitly stated, but he was a teenager. Earles was born in 1977, making him 33 years old during the filming of the show’s final season in 2010.

•
24
.
Every season of
24
takes place in real time over the course of a day, but that timing doesn’t explain why the Kim Bauer character ages by nearly two decades over the show’s run. Kim was 16 when the show began, and 34 in the seventh season. Elisha Cuthbert, the actress who played her, was 19 when Kim was 16, and 26 when Kim was 34.

•
LazyTown
.
This Nickelodeon fantasy show for toddlers starred Julianna Rose Mauriello as Stephanie. When the show began, Stephanie was 8, portrayed by a 13-year-old Julianna. By the end of the program’s three-year run, Stephanie had aged just one year: she was 9…and Julianna was still playing her at age 16.

•
The Golden Girls
.
Estelle Getty played 86-year-old Sophia Petrillo. Getty was 62 when the show first aired, a year younger than 63-year-old Bea Arthur, who portrayed her daughter.

REPEAT OFFENDERS

•
Gary Burghoff
was 29 when he reprised his movie role as Radar O’Riley for the TV adaptation of
M*A*S*H
in 1972. Radar was 18 years old—part of the reason Radar usually wore a cap was to conceal Burghoff’s receding hairline. And since M*A*S*H’s Korean War lasted 11 years (compared to the three years the Korean War really lasted), Burghoff was playing 18
throughout
his 30s.

•
Antwon Tanner
was 20 years old when he played a high school basketball player in the 1996 movie
Sunset Park
. Eight years later, at age 28, he took a role on the prime-time soap
One Tree Hill
…as a high school basketball player.

• Sure, the movies were about time-traveling, but
Michael J. Fox
was 24 when he played 17-year old Marty McFly in
Back to the Future…28
when he played 17-year-old Marty in
Back to the Future Part II
…and 29 when he played 17-year-old Marty in
Back to the Future Part III
.