Uncle John’s Heavy Duty Bathroom Reader@ (41 page)

BURT SHAVITZ

In 1983 an unemployed single mom named Roxanne Quimby met a beekeeper named Burt Shavitz on the side of a road in Bangor, Maine. The two struck up a friendship: Quimby had a knack for crafts, and Shavitz had more beeswax and honey than he knew what to do with, so they began selling honey at local craft fairs, along with candles and other products made from Burt’s leftover beeswax. Then, using a 19th-century book of homemade personal-care recipes, they began producing lip balm, and after selling thousands of tubes of it throughout New England, they founded a company—Burt’s Bees—in 1989. Quimby bought out Shavitz’s share of the company for $130,000 in 1993. She later sold 80% of the business for $141.6 million. Burt’s Bees is now owned by Clorox, but still produces more than 150 products made from honey, beeswax, and other natural sources.

Oranges that grow higher on the tree have more vitamin C than the lower fruit.

FRANK NICHOLAS MEYER

Born Frans Nicholas Meijer in 1875, he became a gardener’s assistant in Amsterdam at age 14. Always a wanderer, he set off on foot to study plants and gardens all over western Europe, then emigrated to the U.S. in 1901, where he was hired by the Department of Agriculture as a “plant explorer.” Preferring to travel alone, Meyer gathered and studied plants in Mexico and Cuba and eventually made several trips to Asia. All told, he introduced more than 2,500 plant species to the West, including soybeans, Ginkgo biloba, Chinese cabbage, and a deep-yellow Chinese ornamental fruit thought to be a cross between a sweet or mandarin orange and a lemon—today known as the Meyer lemon. Unfortunately, Meyer didn’t live to see his namesake: In 1918, on his way to Shanghai on a commercial Japanese riverboat, he fell overboard into the Yangtze River and drowned.

MAX KOHL

Factory worker Max Kohl, a Polish immigrant, saved enough money to buy a Milwaukee corner grocery store in 1927. He transformed it into the city’s first modern supermarket, and 40 years later he had a chain of 50 stores. Then Kohl expanded the business out of the grocery sector, opening six Kohl’s department stores. In 1972 he sold a controlling interest in the operation to the Brown & Williamson tobacco company, which sold off the grocery stores to A&P and focused on opening more Kohl’s department stores. Some Kohl’s executives bought the chain in 1986, and it now has more than 1,000 stores in 49 states. Kohl maintained an executive position in the company until his retirement in 1979. He died two years later. His son, Herb Kohl, is currently a Wisconsin senator and owns the NBA’s Milwaukee Bucks.

George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and John Adams all played marbles.

CITY LIGHTS

Anyone can request to have a particular color scheme displayed in lights on the top third of New York City’s Empire State Building at night (which is usually lit up in white). Here are some recent examples of special lighting
.

A
ug. 14–16, 2009:
Orange (spire and base), white (upper floors), green (lower floors), the colors of the Indian flag, in honor of India Day, which commemorates the Aug. 15, 1947, independence of India from the British empire.

Aug. 31, 2009:
All yellow lights—the color of a tennis ball—to celebrate the first night of the U.S. Open.

Sept. 8, 2009:
All orange, commemorating the 400th anniversary of Henry Hudson’s exploration of what is now called the Hudson River. The lights were orange because it’s the Dutch royal family’s color.

Sept. 9, 2009:
The day is an annual breast cancer awareness event called City in Pink, so the lights were pink, the color of breast cancer awareness ribbons and bracelets.

Sept. 11, 2009:
Red, white, and blue to honor the victims of the 9-11 attacks.

Sept. 20, 2009:
The lights were green, the traditional color of Islam. This day was Eid-al-Fitr, the final day of the Muslim holy month of Ramadan.

Sept. 24, 2009:
All red, or “ruby,” to honor the 70th anniversary of the film premiere of
The Wizard of Oz
.

Oct. 9–12, 2009:
For Columbus Day weekend, the building was green, white, and red—the colors of the Italian flag. (Columbus was Italian.)

Oct. 19, 2009:
The NY Historical Society was having a Grateful Dead exhibit, so the Empire State Building provided “psychedelic colors”: Green, yellow, red, purple, and white lights were lit on all four sides of the skyscraper.

Oct. 30–31, 2009:
Black and orange for Halloween.

Nov. 5–8, 2009:
Blue and white, the team colors of the New York Yankees, who’d just won the World Series.

Dick Van Dyke and Gordon Lightfoot are members of the Barbershop Harmony Society.

Nov. 25–29, 2009:
The traditional autumn colors of yellow, orange, and red were used over Thanksgiving weekend.

Dec. 11–20, 2009:
Blue represents the divine in Judaism, and it appears on the Israeli flag. For the Jewish holiday of Chanukah, the lights on the Empire State Building were turned to blue and white.

Dec. 23, 2009–Jan. 6, 2010:
Green and red, for Christmas. They stayed lit for the 12 days of Christmas.

Jan. 15–17, 2010:
Green and white, the colors of the New York Jets, who made the NFL playoffs (a rare occurrence). They won, so the color scheme was repeated for the next playoff game. (They lost.)

Feb. 5, 2010:
The lights were all red for the American Heart Association’s heart disease awareness campaign, National Wear Red Day.

Feb. 8, 2010:
The New Orleans Saints won the Super Bowl, so its team colors of yellow and black were lit up.

Feb. 15, 2010:
Red, white, and blue, used for all patriotic holidays, including President’s Day (this day), Memorial Day, Flag Day, Independence Day, Labor Day, Election Day, Veterans Day, and on Sept. 11.

Feb. 26–28, 2010:
For the Winter Olympics’ closing weekend, the building was lit in three of the Olympic ring colors: black, blue, and yellow.

March 17, 2010:
All green for St. Patrick’s Day. The green theme was repeated on Earth Day (April 22), and Rainforest Awareness Week (May 13).

Apr. 1, 2010:
The advocacy group Autism Speaks encourages supporters to wear blue every April 1 to raise awareness of the condition. The Empire State Building was lit in blue on this day, too.

Apr. 2–4, 2010:
The pastel colors of yellow, pink, and green were used for Easter.

May 7, 2010:
All blue lights for “the boys in blue,” honoring Police Memorial Week.

June 16, 2010:
On this day in 1860, a Japanese diplomat visited New York for the first time. For the 150th anniversary of that event, the building was lit up in white and red, the colors of Japan.

July 11–12, 2010:
Spain won soccer’s World Cup, so red and yellow—Spanish flag colors—were used for the lights.

World’s worst-smelling cheese: French Vieux Boulogne—it smells like “a barnyard.”

SUPERHERO FLOPS

At the top of the superhero list, you’ve got your Superman, your Batman, and then way, way down on the list, you’ve got these
.

S
hamrock.
In 1982 Marvel Comics told staff artists to create an Irish superhero. They created the most stereotypically Irish superhero possible. Shamrock (real name: Molly Fitzgerald) is the daughter of a militant IRA member, has long red hair, and her superpower is having extremely good luck.

Madame Fatal.
In this 1940s title, Richard Stanton is an actor whose world goes into turmoil when his daughter is kidnapped. To get her back, he uses his “acting skills”: dressing up like an old lady. The disguise fools the kidnappers; he beats them up and rescues his daughter. But he likes it all so much that he decides to become Madame Fatal, the butt-kicking old lady who is really a man.

Dazzler.
In 1980 Casablanca Records, primarily a disco label operating in a world that had moved on from disco, commissioned Marvel Comics to create a comic book about a disco singer-superhero. The plot: Alison Blaire is a law student who quits to become a disco singer, aided by her newly discovered abilities to generate light, to transform sound into pure energy…and to roller skate.

U.S. Archer.
Ulysses Solomon Archer is a trucker who fights evildoers on the highway system, avenging the death of his brother who was murdered by an evil trucker known only as the Highwayman. Archer has the ability to track his nemesis through a metal plate in his skull that can pick up CB transmissions. 10-4!

Wundarr the Aquarian.
Premiering in 1973, this Marvel character was the first “New Age” superhero. Wundarr’s goal isn’t to rid the streets of crime—it’s to enlighten all of humanity with universal consciousness. To that aim, his superpower is the ability to negate any kind of energy, from nuclear to gravity.

Arm Fall Off Boy.
This 1940s DC Comics character came here from the 30th century, and his name says it all: He has the ability to detach and re-attach at will his own arms and legs, a power gained in an antigravity mishap. (When AFOB removes an arm, it makes a “plorp” sound, which seems exactly right.)

In Poland, the day after Easter is called Dingus Day. It’s celebrated with water fights.

POLI-TALKS

Politicians say the darnedest things
…

“His mom lived in Long Island for 10 years or so. God rest her soul. Wait, your mom’s still alive? Your dad passed. God bless her soul.”

—Vice President Joe Biden,
to Irish PM Brian Cowen

“Of course their current lodgings are a bit temporary but they should see it like a weekend of camping.”

—Silvio Berlusconi,
Italian prime minister,
on earthquake refugees

“What a bizarre time we’re in, when a judge will say to little children that you can’t say the Pledge of Allegiance, but you must learn that homosexuality is normal and you should try it.”

—Rep. Michelle Bachmann

“What the hell do I want to go to a place like Mombasa? I just see myself in a pot of boiling water with all these natives dancing around me.”

—Mel Lastman, Toronto
mayor, before going to Kenya
to support his city’s bid for the
2008 Olympics (the bid failed)

“I believe in natural gas as a clean, cheap alternative to fossil fuels.”

—House Speaker Nancy
Pelosi (unaware that natural gas
is
a fossil fuel)

“You must obey the law, always, not only when they grab you by your special place.”

—Vladimir Putin,
Russian president

“You may have noticed that Senator Obama’s supporters have been saying some pretty nasty things about Western Pennsylvania lately. And you know, I couldn’t agree with them more. I couldn’t disagree with you. I couldn’t agree with you more than the fact that Pennsylvania is the most patriotic, most God-loving, most, most patriotic part of America, and this is a great part of the country.”

—Sen. John McCain

“A showgirl and a bottle of Bombay Sapphire gin.”

—Oscar Goodman,
Las Vegas mayor, to schoolchildren
who asked what
he’d like on a deserted island

California penal code bans the scattering of “cremains” from the Golden Gate Bridge.

“Fat rednecks try to shove food down my face. I know I’m the people’s senator, but do I have to hang out with them?”

—Sen. John Edwards,
to an aide at the
North Carolina state fair

“To our seniors, I have a message for you: You’re going to die sooner if the healthcare bill passes.”

—U.S. Sen. Tom Coburn

“When the stock market crashed, Franklin Roosevelt got on the TV and didn’t just talk about the, you know, the princes of greed. He said, ‘Look, here’s what happened.’”

—Vice President Joe Biden,
unaware that FDR
wasn’t president in 1929
(nor was there TV)

“It’s now a very good day to get out anything we want to bury. Councillors’ expenses?”

—Jo Moore, British special
adviser, in an e-mail to her
boss just minutes after the
9-11 attacks (both resigned)

“I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman, and a woman, and a woman.”

—Mass. Gov. Mitt Romney,
a Mormon (he was joking)

“Hunger can be a positive motivator.”

—Missouri State Rep.
Cynthia Davis, speaking
against a program that
feeds poor children

“We need to uptick our image with everyone, including one-armed midgets.”

—Michael Steele,
RNC chairman, on a
GOP “hip-hop makeover”

“Well, you know, God bless him, bless his heart, the President of the United States, a total failure.”

—House Speaker Nancy
Pelosi, on President
George W. Bush

“Come on! I just answered, like, eight questions!”

—Barack Obama, putting an
end to a press conference