Uncle John’s Heavy Duty Bathroom Reader@ (35 page)

DAVID BYRNE.
The front man for the Talking Heads was born in Scotland in 1952, moved to Ontario, Canada, with his family when he was two, then to the Baltimore, Maryland, area when he was nine. And although he has lived in New York City for many years, he is still a British citizen.

GENE SIMMONS.
The bassist and professional tongue-sticker-outer for the band KISS was born in Haifa, Israel, in 1949. His family moved to New York City when he was eight.

First telephone area code: 201 (for northern New Jersey).

JULIAN McMAHON.
Fans might know him as Cole from the series
Charmed,
or as the womanizing Dr. Christian Troy on
Nip/Tuck
. Either way, he pulls off a perfect American accent—hiding the fact that he’s Australian. And he’s not just any Australian: He’s the son of former prime minister William McMahon, and is still an Australian citizen.

WILL ARNETT.
Arnett became famous in 2003 playing George Oscar Bluth II on the Fox series
Arrested Development
. He was born in Toronto, Ontario. So was Michael Cera, who played George Michael Bluth. Portia de Rossi, who played Lindsay Bluth Fünke, is Australian.

THE ENTIRE CAST OF
TRUE
BLOOD
.
Okay, that’s an exaggeration, but several members of the hugely popular Louisiana-set vampire series are not American. 1) The show’s star, Anna Paquin, who plays Sookie Stackhouse, was born in Canada in 1982, was raised in New Zealand, and moved to the United States in 1995; 2) Stephen Moyer, who plays Bill Compton, is English; 3) Ryan Kwanten, who plays Sookie’s older brother, Jason, is Australian; and 4) Alexander Skarsgård, who plays sheriff, bar owner, former Viking warrior, and vampire Eric Northman, is Swedish.

ANDREAS CORNELIS VAN KUJIK.
Kujik was born in

Breda, the Netherlands, in 1909. He entered the United States illegally at the age of 20 and enlisted in the army—giving the name “Thomas Andrew Parker” and claiming to be from West Virginia. He was discharged during his second two-year stint, having been diagnosed with “Psychosis, Psychogenic Depression, Emotional Instability.” He worked as a carny for several years, then as a music promoter. When country singer Jimmie Davis, one of the early acts he promoted, was elected governor of Louisiana in 1944, Parker was made a colonel in the Louisiana State Militia and was henceforth known as “Colonel Tom Parker.” In 1955 he became the manager of an up-and-coming singer named…Elvis Presley. He stayed with Elvis until the King’s death in 1977, earning in excess of $100 million along the way. He died in 1997, never having become a American citizen.

“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and advertise.” —Henry Ford

DIED IN THE CAN

Over the course of our lives we spend a total of about one year and seven months in the bathroom. Statistically speaking, it’s inevitable that some of us would have to take our final breaths in the throne room
.

W
ENCESLAS III OF BOHEMIA (1289–1306)
Cause of death:
Murder
Story:
King Wenceslas III wasn’t the “Good King” in the Christmas carol—that was his great-grandfather. This Wenceslas became King of Hungary at age 12 (the kingdom was a gift from his father). He added King of Bohemia to his title four years later when his father died. But there were ruthless power struggles going on in both kingdoms, and young Wenceslas could not hold on. Within a year, the teen king was stabbed to death by one of his enemies while sitting on his
garderobe,
a primitive toilet common in castles during medieval times—often just a hole that discharged into the moat below. Sixteen-year-old Wenceslas had no children, which ended his family’s royal line.

JUDY GARLAND (1922–1969)

Cause of Death:
Drug overdose

Story:
The morning after a fight with her fifth husband, Mickey Deans, Garland was found dead of a barbiturate overdose, according to one obituary, “perched like a little bird” on her toilet. Three years earlier, comedian Lenny Bruce suffered a similar fate after overdosing on heroin in his bathroom.

THOMAS MERTON (1915–1968)

Cause of Death:
Electrocution

Story:
Thomas Merton was a Trappist monk and author of more than 70 books. In 1968, while attending an interfaith conference in Bangkok, Thailand, Merton had just stepped out of the shower in his hotel room, his feet still wet, and either tried to readjust the fan or slipped and fell against it. Either way, the fan’s wiring was faulty. When Merton didn’t show up to his scheduled events, a few of his fellow clergy broke into his room, smelled an unpleasant burning odor, and discovered Merton bruised, burned, and thoroughly dead. One of them nearly became the fan’s second victim when he tried to lift it from Merton’s body. When he touched it, he was thrown across the room—still clutching the fan—by the electrical force and was unable to let go of it until another monk climbed under a bed and unplugged it.

No can dew: In Canada, Mountain Dew is caffeine free.

ORVILLE REDENBACHER (1907–1995)

Cause of Death:
Drowning in bathtub

Story:
Before Redenbacher came along, popcorn was just popcorn. He introduced the idea of “gourmet popcorn” and charged more for it. After selling his company and retiring, the 88-year-old suffered a heart attack in his whirlpool bath. But the heart attack didn’t kill him directly—he slumped down below the water and drowned.

CLAUDE FRANÇOIS (1939–1978)

Cause of Death:
Electrocution

Story:
François was a powerhouse in the French music business. He made a fortune translating English-language hits into French, starting with “Belles! Belles! Belles!,” a cover of the Everly Brothers’ “Made to Love” in 1962. He moved on to Beatles songs, Motown hits, 1970s progressive rock, disco, and early Michael Jackson. Ironically, one of his few original songs, “Comme d’Habitude (As Usual),” was rewritten into English by Paul Anka and recorded by Frank Sinatra as “My Way.” One spring day at his Paris apartment, the 39-year-old singer/businessman was showering, preparing to appear on a TV show, when he noticed an electric light had burnt out above the shower. He probably should’ve turned off the shower and dried off before trying to change the bulb…

DON’T TIP THE BUCKET

After receiving hundreds of complaints about erratic driving, a bus company in China installed hanging pots of water inside each bus. If the drivers make quick turns or weave in and out of traffic, the water will spill out. Whichever driver ends the day with the most water in his bucket receives a bonus.

Elvis Presley always wore a helmet when watching football on TV.

DUMB JOCK CRIMES

We hold our athletes to a very high standard. And perhaps because they’re so physically amazing, we think they’re above doing really stupid things…like getting their picture taken with a bag of drugs, or offering police bribes of a billion dollars
.

P
OWER PLAY

In March 2000, three security guards at The Mansion on Turtle Creek, a hotel in Dallas, responded to a noise complaint about a guest, Dallas Stars goaltender Eddie Belfour. The caller, an unidentified woman who was in the room with Belfour, told the guards that Belfour had become drunk, angry, and violent, and she feared for her safety. When three guards arrived and attempted to subdue him, Belfour reacted as if they were charging forward on an opposing team—he kicked two of them in the chest and spat in the other’s face. Thanks to a hefty dose of pepper spray, the guards apprehended Belfour. By the time the police arrived, the hockey player’s violent rampage had dwindled to pathetic pleading: “If you let me go,” he slurred, “I’ll give you a
billion
dollars!” The cops rejected the bribe and placed Belfour in the back of a squad car, where he puked all over himself. He received a $3,000 fine.

PICTURE IMPERFECT

In August 2009, Miami Heat forward Michael Beasley used his Twitter page to show off a picture of an elaborate tattoo he’d just gotten. The photo depicted Beasley’s back, decorated with the tattoo of angel wings and the words “Super Cool Beas” (“Beas” is his nickname). Also depicted in the photo: a plastic baggie containing a green, leafy substance. After a few readers pressed him on it over the next few days (he’d had frequent problems with the NBA, and the law, over drugs), Beasley closed the Twitter account and checked into a Houston drug treatment facility.

NAKED HUNGER

In August 2006, Detroit Lions defensive-line coach Joe Cullen was ordering food at a Detroit-area Wendy’s drive-through window. Police later pulled him over after receiving a call from Wendy’s—because Cullen was completely nude. A week later, Cullen was pulled over again by Detroit police. This time he had clothes on, but he was drunk. For the naked incident, he paid a $500 fine, for the drunk driving he paid a $300 fine, and for both he paid a $20,000 misconduct fine to the NFL. He’s still a defensive-line coach in the league, now working for the Jacksonville Jaguars.

One out of every five traffic accidents is fatigue-related.

HE CAUGHT A BULLET

Plaxico Burress was a star wide receiver for the New York Giants who caught the game-winning pass in the 2008 Super Bowl. Later that year, Burress went to the New York City nightclub LQ. He brought along a large Glock handgun, which he hid by tucking it into the waistband of his jeans rather than using a holster. At one point, the gun started to slip down his leg, and when Burress went to reach for it, he accidentally pulled the trigger and shot himself in the right thigh. Burress sought medical treatment and then turned himself in to the NYPD. Not only had he injured himself, he’d committed a crime—the gun was unlicensed. Burress had a license to carry a concealed handgun, but only in Florida, and it had expired. He pleaded guilty to weapons charges and was sentenced to two years in prison.

METALHEAD

In November 2002, Portland Trailblazers star Damon Stoudamire skipped the team jet for a return trip home after a game in Seattle, opting to drive himself the 150 miles home. With teammate Rasheed Wallace in the car, Stoudamire’s Humvee was stopped by police. Not only was he speeding along at more than 80 mph, he also had the windows rolled down, and marijuana smoke was billowing out of them. Stoudamire was charged with driving under the influence and speeding, and he paid a fine. In July 2003, Stoudamire was again in possession of marijuana, but had the foresight to at least try and hide it from the authorities this time. So before he boarded his flight from Tucson, Arizona, to New Orleans, he carefully wrapped his stash in tin foil and put it in his carry-on luggage. The foil set off a metal detector, and Stoudamire was detained by airport security. He paid $250,000 in fines and was suspended by the NBA for three months.

According to NASA, the U.S. has the world’s most violent weather, with 10,000 thunderstorms and 5,000 floods every year.

HOW TO CRACK A SAFE

Grandpa Uncle John has an old safe in his garage that he says doesn’t contain any valuables, but nobody knows for sure…because he lost the combination years ago. That raises an interesting question: How do safecrackers open safes? Read on as we bust the story wide open
.

C
OMBINATION SAFES 101
To understand how a locksmith or a safecracker opens a safe, it helps to first understand a few things about how a combination lock works:

• The numbered dial is mounted on a shaft that extends inside the door of the safe, where it connects to a mechanism called a “wheel pack.”

• The wheel pack is so named because it is literally just that: a pack of free-spinning wheels, one for each number in the combination of the safe. If there are three numbers in the combination, say, 17–76–42, then there are three wheels in the wheel pack: one for the 17, one for the 76, and one for the 42.

• Imagine a cookie with a bite taken out of it. Each wheel in the wheel pack has a bite or notch taken out of it that corresponds to its number in the combination of the safe. In this example, the first wheel will have a notch at position #17, the second wheel at position #76, and the third wheel at position #42.

• Opening the safe requires rotating each of the wheels until the notches line up. That’s what you’re doing when you enter the combination. If you enter it correctly, the notches line up, and the safe will open. If you enter any other combination, the notches do not line up, and the safe won’t open.