Uncle John's Great Big Bathroom Reader (46 page)

MONKEY GLAND

A cocktail made with “orange juice, grenadine, gin and an anise cordial.” According to food historian John Mariani:

It became popular in the 1920s, when Dr. Serge Voronoff, a Russian emigre to Paris and director of experimental surgery at the Laboratory of Physiology of the College de France, was promoting the benefits of transplanting the sex glands of monkeys into human beings to restore vitality and prolong life....

The cocktail, which facetiously promised similar restorative powers, may have been invented at Harry’s New York Bar in Paris, by owner Harry MacElhone.

Uncle John’s very first
Bathroom Reader
came out in 1988—a year after
Star Trek: The Next Generation
debuted. In that book, we profiled the original
Star Trek.
Now, because readers have asked for it, we’re finally getting around to writing about
TNG.

H
OW IT STARTED

As soon as the original
Star Trek
became a syndicated hit in the early 1970s, Paramount and
Trek
creator Gene Rodden-berry started planning a sequel (working title: “Star Trek II”).

But in 1975, Paramount switched directions and decided to make a feature film instead.
Trek
’s writers worked for three years on the concept...but they couldn’t come up with a script that the studio felt had a “big enough” plot to justify a full-length movie. So Roddenberry and his crew went back to work on the new TV series.

In 1978, three weeks before production of the show was supposed to begin, Paramount stepped in again—and cancelled it. The reason:
Star Wars
was making a killing at the box office, and studio execs decided a big-budget feature film would make more money than a TV series. By March 1978, all of the original cast of
Star Trek
had been signed to make
Star Trek: The Motion Picture.

Resurrection.
Eight years later, in 1986, two events inspired Roddenberry to resurrect “Star Trek II”: A
Star Trek
20th reunion party got Roddenberry’s team excited about doing TV again; and
Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home
, the best of the
Trek
movies to that point, was a critical and box office success. It convinced Roddenberry that the time was right for a new small-screen
Star Trek
—but not a sequel. The new show, he decided, would have...

• A new cast. Creating all-new characters had two major advantages for Paramount: (1) It left the original
Star Trek
cast free to make feature films; and (2) a cast of unknowns would be cheaper.

• A new setting. Roddenberry figured about “a century after Kirk” (later refined to 78 years), which put it in the 24th century.

• No “retread” Vulcans, Klingons, or other beings.

• A longer mission (ten years or more instead of the original five) and a different philosophy for the
Enterprise.
The vessel was to feel less like a battleship and more like a family-friendly exploration/ peacekeeping craft with services to support its population.

Given the original
Trek’s
popularity, it seems logical to assume that one of the big networks grabbed the show, right? Wrong. No one wanted to foot $1 million per episode for sci-fi, which still didn’t have a prime-time track record. Instead, Paramount ended up selling it directly to local stations. But once again,
Star Trek
proved that the network experts didn’t understand the lure of good science fiction. It quickly became the most successful syndicated drama in television history.

INSIDE FACTS

High-priced Gamble

The Next Generation
was TV’s most expensive program in 1987, and the highest-priced syndicated show ever. In fact, by the second season, it already had pushed its budget to $1.5 million per episode. This led panicky execs to institute some unexpected cost-cutting measures. For example, in the third season, new crew uniforms were unveiled, at a cost of $3,000 each. To save money, no one on the set below the rank of ensign was allowed to have one.

Still on the Cheap

On the other hand, the special-effects budget was only about $85,000 per episode. When adjusted for inflation, that’s less than the special effects of the original show. The result: some surprisingly low-budget effects were used. In one episode, for example, when they needed to show the surface of a sun, they used “vibrating dry oatmeal on a light box.” In another, the corona of a sun was achieved by “bouncing a laser beam off of a beer can onto a piece of white cardboard.” And to get the texture of a planet, visual-effects producer Dan Curry says, “I did a macro shot of a rock in my garden, with my camcorder.”

A Bald Englishman?

Gene Roddenberry was looking for a Frenchman to play Captain Picard, but couldn’t find the right actor. Then
Trek
producer Bob Just-man
saw Patrick Stewart address a drama conference and decided he’d be perfect. But Roddenberry took one look at Stewart’s photo and said, “I’m not going to have a bald Englishman for a captain.” In the end, Stewart was the best they could find. They auditioned him wearing a toupee, but hated it. “That wasn’t the Patrick we wanted,” recalled Roddenberry. “He looked like a drapery clerk.”

Name Game

• Geordi LaForge, the blind navigator played by Levar Burton, was named in tribute to George LaForge—a young, wheelchair-bound Trekkie who died in 1975 from complications related to muscular dystrophy.

• Wesley Crusher, the doctor’s son, was named after Gene Roddenberry, whose middle name was Wesley. “He is me at 17,” Roddenberry said. “He is the things I dreamed of being and doing.”

Making Whoopi

No one believed it when Oscar winner Whoopi Goldberg sent word (through a friend) that she’d love to be on the show. Finally, she took a more direct route, phoning the
Star Trek
offices herself. “Since I was a little girl on the streets,
Star Trek
was always my guide to morality,” she explained. She appeared as Guinan, hostess of the ship’s lounge, in the first episode of the second season, and appeared in 26 more shows over the next six years.

Brief Notes

• It wasn’t until the third season, when ratings were strong and the show was fully accepted by Trekkies, that Roddenberry began bringing in characters from the first series. Mark Lenerd, who played Sarek, Spock’s father, was the first to cross over.

• Jonathan Frakes auditioned for the part of Riker seven times—and was actually the second choice for the role. The first choice blew his final audition so badly that Frakes got the job.

• Roddenberry eventually agreed to have a Klingon on the bridge because it showed that Starfleet had made “progress” in its relations with other worlds in the years since the first show.

Believe it or not, these laws are real.

In Kentucky, it’s against the law to throw eggs at a public speaker.

In Shawnee, Oklahoma, it’s illegal for three or more dogs to “meet” on private property without the consent of the owner.

In Hartford, Connecticut, transporting a cadaver by taxi is punishable by a $5 fine.

In Michigan, it’s illegal for a woman to cut her own hair without her husband’s permission.

You can ride your bike on main streets in Forgan, Oklahoma, but it’s against the law to ride it backwards.

If you tie an elephant to a parking meter in Orlando, Florida, you have to feed the meter just as if the elephant were a car.

California law forbids sleeping in the kitchen...but allows cooking in the bedroom.

It’s a felony in Montana for a wife to open a telegram addressed to her husband. (It’s
not
a crime for the husband to open telegrams addressed to his wife.)

You can gargle in Louisiana if you want to, but it’s against the law to do it in public.

In Maryland it’s against the law for grandchildren to marry their grandparents.

It’s against the law to anchor your boat to the train tracks in Jefferson City, Missouri.

In Columbus, Montana, it’s a misdemeanor to pass the Mayor on the street without tipping your hat.

It’s illegal to throw an onion in Princeton, Texas.

Kentucky law requires that every person in the state take a bath at least once a year.

It’s against the law to pawn your wooden leg in Delaware.

Another installment of BRI’s Top Ten of the Year list.

1984

(1) When Doves Cry
—Prince

(2) What’s Love Go To Do With It
—Tina Turner

(3) Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now)
—Phil Collins

(4) Footloose —
Kenny Loggins

(5) Say Say Say —
Paul McCartney & Michael Jackson

(6) Jump —
Van Halen

(7) Owner Of A Lonely Heart —
Yes

(8) Hello
—Lionel Richie

(9) Ghostbusters
—Ray Parker, Jr.

(10) Karma Chameleon
—Culture Club

1985

(1) Careless Whisper
—Wham! featuring George Michael

(2) Like A Virgin
—Madonna

(3) Wake Me Up Before You Go-go
—Wham!

(4) Everybody Wants To Rule The World —
Tears For Fears

(5) I Feel For You
—Chaka Khan

(6) Money For Nothing
—Dire Straits

(7) I Want To Know What Love Is
—Foreigner

(8) Out Of Touch
—Daryl Hall & John Oates

(9) Crazy For You —
Madonna

(10) Take On Me —
A-ha

1986

(1) That’s What Friends Are For
—Dionne & Friends

(2) Say You, Say Me
—Lionel Richie

(3) On My Own
—Patti Labelle & Michael Mcdonald

(4) I Miss You —
Klymaxx

(5) Broken Wings —
Mr. Mister

(6) How Will I Know
—Whitney Houston

(7) Party All The Time
—Eddie Murphy

(8) Kyrie —
Mr. Mister

(9) Burning Heart —
Survivor

(10) Addicted To Love
—Robert Palmer

1987

(1) Walk Like An Egyptian
—Bangles

(2) Alone
—Heart

(3) Shake You Down
—Gregory Abbott

(4) I Wanna Dance With Somebody
—Whitney Houston

(5) Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now
—Starship

(6) C’est La Vie
—Robbie Nevil

(7) The Way It Is
—Bruce Hornsby & The Range

(8) Here I Go Again
—Whitesnake

(9) Livin’ On A Prayer —
Bon Jovi

(10) Shakedown (from
Beverly Hills Cop II) —Bob Seger

“In China,” the New York Times reports, “it’s common for sales clerks to abandon their posts without notice, and to ignore—or even insult—customers.” In 1995, as part of a national politeness campaign, the Chinese government banned 50 commonly-used phrases from retail stores. Here’s a sample list.

The busier I am, the more you bother me. How annoying!

Who told you not to look where you’re going?

Didn’t you hear me? What do you have ears for?

Get out of the way, or you’ll get killed.

Are you finished talking?

If you’re not buying, what are you looking at?

Are you buying or not? Have you made up your mind?

Go ask the person who sold it to you.

What are you yelling about?

Don’t you see I’m busy? What’s the hurry?

I can’t solve this. Go complain to whoever you want.

I just told you. Why are you asking again?

Buy if you can afford it, otherwise get out of here.

Why didn’t you choose well when you bought it?

Hurry up and pay.

Ask someone else.

Time is up, be quick.

The price is posted. Can’t you see it yourself?