Uncle John's Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader (57 page)

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VERY QUIZ-LIKE
Latin words that end in “ine” describe the characteristics of particular animals
—canine
, for example, means doglike. Can you match the other “ines”
to what animal they refer to in English? (Answers on page 537.)
1. Bear
2. Dove
3. Fox
4. Horse
5. Ground squirrel
6. Cat
7. Pig
8. Dolphin
9. Wolf
10. Yak
11. Cow
12. Sheep
13. Elephant
14. Orangutan
15. Turtle
16. Hare
17. Deer
18. Gerbil
19. Frog
20. Killer whale
21. Hawk
22. Guinea pig
23. Gila monster
24. Kangaroo
25. Water buffalo
a. Porcine
b. Acrine
c. Ursine
d. Butine
e. Feline
f. Ovine
g. Spermophine
h. Bovine
i. Cavine
j. Bosine
k. Cervine
l. Rhombomine
m. Equine
n. Lupine
o. Terrapine
p. Vulpine
q. Macropodine
r. Lapine
s. Proboscine
t. Columbine
u. Orcine
v. Delphine
w. Bubaline
x. Pongine
y. Helodine
THE PROVERBIAL TRUTH
You know that “all that glitters isn’t gold,” but there are countless
other proverbs that you may never have heard. Here are
some of the BRI’s favorites from around the world.
If everyone gave one thread, the poor man would have a shirt.
Russian
 
If begging should unfortunately be thy lot, knock at the large gates only.
Arabian
 
No one is rich enough to do without a neighbor.
Danish
 
Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.
Swedish
 
When you’re thirsty it’s too late to think about digging a well.
Japanese
 
To request timidly is to invite refusal.
Latin
 
Slander slays three persons: the speaker, the spoken to, and the spoken of.
Hebrew
To take revenge is to sacrifice oneself.
Congolese
 
Who does not discipline his child will later punish himself.
Persian
 
A half-truth is a whole lie.
Yiddish
 
He who marries
might
be sorry. He who does not
will
be sorry.
Czech
 
Beware the man who does not talk and the dog that does not bark.
Portuguese
 
To you your religion; to me my religion.
Muslim
 
Those who give have all things; those who withhold have nothing.
Hindu
Who gossips to you will gossip of you.
Turkish
 
A wise man changes his mind, a fool never does.
Spanish
 
Who accepts nothing has nothing to return.
German
 
The tongue is but three inches long, yet it can injure a man six feet high.
Japanese
 
He who has not yet reached the opposite shore should not make fun of him who is drowning.
West African
 
What is true by lamplight is not always true by sunlight.
French
 
He who laughs, lasts.
Norwegian
IT (PROBABLY) WON’T
KILL YOU TO EAT…
All sorts of “natural” stuff you would
never
want to eat is consumable by
humans. You shouldn’t actually do it (you really,
really,
shouldn’t),
but, technically, all of these things are edible.
…Leather.
It’s made from the skin of a cow, so it’s actually beef—very, very chewy beef. But don’t think you can just feast on that old motorcycle jacket in the back of the closet—most leather has been treated with dyes and chemicals to make it durable.
…Raw meat.
People all over the world eat it every day. Steak tartare, for example, is a European gourmet dish that consists of spiced raw ground beef. (Lamb tartare is a British version.) And don’t forget Japanese sushi, which often contains raw fish.
…Sand.
You probably eat sand already. Finely ground common
silica
, or beach sand, is an ingredient in anti-caking agents used in many packaged foods, such as sugar and flour. But it’s a
very
small amount—too much can scratch your teeth.
…Paper.
As it passes through the body, fiber attracts cholesterol and other unwelcome substances. Fiber exits your body largely intact—in other words, it is not digestible. Most paper is made of wood cellulose, which is fiber. But the bleach that makes paper white, the dye that colors it, and the ink that printers print it with are all toxic to humans.
…Packing peanuts.
Some
—but not all—brands are made of highly processed, molded cornstarch. Not only does that make them biodegradable, but technically it makes them edible, too. Chemicals are added, which aren’t good for you, but if you had to eat a mouthful, they would probably taste like a rice cake.
…Flowers.
Botanically speaking, many common vegetables, such as broccoli and cauliflower, are flowers. Other safe-to-eats: dandelions (they’re sweet like honey), carnations (also sweet), mums (tangy), marigolds (like saffron), and sunflowers (like artichokes).
IRONIC, ISN’T IT?
There’s nothing like a good dose of irony to put the
problems of day-to-day life into proper perspective.
DE-PROGRAMMED
In July 2008, California didn’t have enough money to pay all state employees, so Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger laid off 10,000 workers. A week later, state controller John Chiang discovered that the money-saving expenditures couldn’t be applied to state payroll records because the system was written in an old computer language called COBOL…and the only state employees who knew how to use it were the ones who had just been fired.
WIPING THE SLATE CLEAN
Slate Rock Park in Providence, Rhode Island, commemorates the spot where the state’s founder, Roger Williams, first arrived in 1636. Williams stepped off a boat on the Seekonk River and onto a slate ledge, which was marked with a plaque. In 1877 workers were attempting to expose more of the underground slate to create a larger monument to Williams. They accidentally dynamited the entire piece of slate…and now there’s no slate in Slate Park.
FAMILY ISSUES
Attendees of a May 2008 New York concert by the band Ellis Unit got a gift with their $20 admission: a free one-year subscription to the music magazine
Blender
. The lead singer and guitarist for Ellis Unit is Gus Wenner, son of Jann Wenner, publisher of
Blender
’s chief rival,
Rolling Stone
.
STONE COLD DEAD
A 77-year-old man went to visit the graves of his parents in the St. Gregoire Cemetery in Buckingham, Quebec, in 2008. For some reason, he decided to rearrange some ornamental rocks around one of the tombstones. Bad idea: The rocks were holding the tombstone in place, and as the man was digging around in the dirt, the tombstone fell, struck him on the head, and killed him.
KURBY AND KRYSTAL GO TO WHITE CASTLE
After a year of dating, Kurby and Krystal of London, Kentucky, were married in March 2009. They met when both were employed by the local White Castle fast food restaurant, so they decided to make their wedding White Castle-themed—it was held at “their” White Castle and the cake was shaped like a hamburger. Congratulations to Kurby and Krystal...McDonald.
SWEET IRONY
In 2008 a semi-truck overturned at the intersection of Highways 6 and 59 in Texas. Its cargo: sticky-sweet molasses. More than 5,000 gallons of the sugary stuff leaked onto the road, causing road closures and traffic delays into the nearby city of Sugar Land.
CUTTING REMARK
Though it’s a very common practice in the United States, some parents choose not to circumcise their newborn boys. In 2009 a co-director of newborn nurseries at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston came out in favor of the procedure in an interview with
Men’s Health
magazine, saying that its sanitary benefits outweigh fears of surgical complications. His name: Dr. Wang.
HAMBURGLAR
In 2008 McDonald’s went on social networking sites such as Facebook and MySpace to solicit amateur musicians’ takes on hip-hop updates of its Big Mac “two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese” jingle. One of the finalists—Tamien Bain, who’d finished in fourth place—was disqualified because he’d recently served 12 years in prison…for robbing a McDonald’s restaurant at gunpoint.
IT’S
USUALLY
THAT
“In January 2007, a rotten-egg smell descended on Manhattan for hours, causing several buildings to be evacuated and frightened throngs to wonder if terrorists were attacking the city with gas. Officials later blamed swamp gas from New Jersey.”

The Week
ADVENTUROUS SPIRITS
Every culture, advanced or primitive, makes some type of alcoholic
beverage. What they make depends on what ingredients are
available…which might account for these.
VINE SNAKE
WHISKEY.
Mescal is traditionally bottled with a worm inside. This concoction goes a step further. The whiskey, made in Thailand, is flavored with a coiled vine snake right inside the bottle. Good news: It’s only mildly venomous.
 
CYNAR.
Liqueurs are heavily sweetened alcoholic drinks flavored with fruit, nuts, or spices. Cynar is an
artichoke
-flavored liqueur. It is the same greenish color as a pan of water in which you’ve just cooked your artichokes, and it’s very popular in Italy, its country of origin.
 
GRAPPA.
It’s a kind of
pom-ace
, which is a brandy (distilled grape juice) made from the leftovers of winemaking—grape seeds, grape skins, and stalks.
 
FERNET.
This liqueur is used as medicine in Italy, but in Argentina they drink shots of it. It’s made from many
different fruits and herbs, including myrrh, aloe, rhubarb, saffron, and grapes. It’s described as tasting like minty charcoal.
 
AGWA.
The manufacturers promise an “energy boost” with this liqueur, which makes sense because it’s made with coca leaf, which is also what cocaine is made from. But it doesn’t actually contain any cocaine…it’s just flavored to taste like it does.
 
PELINKOVAC.
Many spirits, such as anisette or Jager-meister, taste like licorice. This Balkan liqueur does, too, only there’s no sugar added, so it tastes like bitter licorice, supposedly like chewing on licorice root.
 
ADVOCAAT.
Popular in the Netherlands, this is a creamy drink that tastes like pudding and has the consistency of pancake batter. That’s because, like pancake batter, it contains raw egg yolks.
DUMB CROOKS:
SILLY WEAPONS UNIT
“Give me all your cash or I’ll shoot you with this flip-flop!”
rook:
Michael Reed of Fort Worth, Texas
Weapon:
A tree branch
Story:
In December 2008, Reed stormed into Eddie’s Fried Chicken, waving the tree branch around, and demanded all the money in the register. But the 50-year-old robber’s branch was no match for a 56-year-old employee’s broom. After a brief battle, Reed was de-branched and ran away empty-handed. He hid in a nearby dumpster and was captured by police a short time later.
 
Crook:
Karen Lee Joachimi of Lake City, Florida
Weapon:
An electric chain saw
Story:
In 1996 the 20-year-old attempted to rob a Howard Johnson’s. Her chances of success would have been better had she plugged in her chain saw first. She was easily apprehended.
 
Crook:
A 22-year-old man (unnamed) from Fresno, California

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