Uncle John's Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader (58 page)

Weapon:
A kielbasa

Story:
The man entered a home in the middle of the night in September 2008 and stole some cash while the residents were asleep. Then for some reason the intruder took a piece of sausage out of the refrigerator, went into the bedroom, and began hitting the sleeping couple with it. They awoke and chased him out of the house. He was easy to find because he’d left his wallet behind.

 

Crook:
Gelando Olivieri of Deland, Florida

Weapons:
A palm frond and a pair of flip-flops

Story:
In 2009 Olivieri pulled his T-shirt up over his head and entered V and F Discount Beverage. He waved the pointy end of a palm frond at the clerk and repeatedly said, “Give me 50 dollars!” while he tapped the palm frond on the counter and occasionally slapped the clerk’s hand with it. According to witnesses, Olivieri
was also brandishing a pair of flip-flops. The robbery was thwarted by another odd weapon when a customer picked up a bar stool and pointed it at Olivieri, who then ran out of the store. He was quickly apprehended.

 

Crook:
William McMiller of Indianapolis, Indiana

Weapon:
A screwdriver

Story:
In 2006 McMiller walked into a Kentucky Fried Chicken, waited in line, ordered some food, and then told the cashier, “Give me the money before I shoot you.” He reached into his back pocket, as if he were going for a gun, but all he had was a screwdriver. Another customer
did
have a gun…and pointed it at McMiller until police arrived and took away the screwdriver (and McMiller).

 

Crook:
An unidentified man from Colorado Springs, Colorado

Weapon:
A Klingon
Bat’leth

Story:
In February 2009, the masked man robbed two 7-Eleven stores in one night with a replica of the sword used by the alien race on
Star Trek
:
The Next Generation.
Neither clerk was injured because neither tried to fight back, possibly because of the imposing appearance of the curved implement with two sharp blades on each end. Bucking the “dumb crooks” trend, this thief was never caught; police still aren’t sure if his “weapon” was made of metal or plastic.

 

Crook:
Michael Kaminski of Akron, Ohio

Weapon:
Cheap cologne

Story:
In 2008 Kaminski attempted to rob two men in the parking lot of a video store using a gun-shaped cologne dispenser. Bad move: One of the “victims” was a martial arts expert who easily pinned Kaminski to the ground. Adding insult to injury, the cologne bottle broke and spilled all over Kaminski, who spent a fragrant night in jail.

“A lot of people think kids say the darnedest things, but so would you if you had no education.”

—
Eugene Mirman

• 54% of Americans polled in a 2007 survey commissioned by Phillips Sonicare, a brand of electric toothbrushes, said they’d continue to use their toothbrush after dropping it on the bathroom floor. 9% of American men say they’ve reused a toothbrush after dropping it in
the toilet.

• 44% of Americans say they’d be willing to share their toothbrush with their spouse in a pinch; 8% say they’d share with a friend.

• 47% of Americans say they clean the bathroom once a week, and 88% say they at least replace the hand towels that often, according to a 2008 study of bathroom habits.

• Cleaning the toilet is—understandably—one of the least-popular bathroom jobs. According to a 2008 study by S.C. Johnson & Son, makers of Scrubbing Bubbles, 28% of Americans say they’d rather pay bills than clean the toilet, and a third of Americans polled say they put off cleaning it until it starts to
look
dirty.

• 14% of Americans and Canadians surveyed in 2007 by Grohe, a manufacturer of bathroom products, say they clean the bathtub or shower every time they use it. 20% of Americans and 24% of Canadians say that they clean the shower
while taking
a shower.

• 28% of people who sing in the shower say they sing rock ’n’ roll tunes; 19% sing country tunes.

• Five most popular songs sung in the shower: 1) “Singin’ in the Rain,” 2) “Amazing Grace,” 3) “Splish Splash,” 4) “Hey Jude,” 5) songs the bather makes up. (Uncle John sings “Rubber Duckie.”)

• 22% of Americans say they’ve showered with another person for amorous purposes. This includes 26% of American men…and only
18% of American women. With Canadians the roles are reversed: 24% of women and only 19% of men.

• If you could take a shower with anyone in the world, who would it be? Top three shower-worthy female celebrities: 1) Angelina Jolie, 2) Jessica Alba, and 3) Pamela Anderson. Top three males: 1) Brad Pitt, 2) George Clooney, and 3) Johnny Depp. (In Canada, Depp is tied with Mel Gibson.)

• One third of all Scots surveyed in a 2008 poll said they’d consider sharing a shower or bath with another person “in order to save money.”

• 91% of Americans say they have modified their bathroom behavior to save water, according to the 2008 survey. Most popular method of conservation: not running the water while brushing teeth—71% of Americans surveyed say they keep the water off.

• In the same survey, nearly half of respondents say they’ve cut back the amount of time they spend in the shower, and just under a third say they take fewer showers and baths. A similar number said they flush the toilet less often than they used to.

• 60% of Australians say they feel perfectly comfortable “relieving themselves in front of their partners,” according to a 2007 survey conducted by the New Zealand
Herald.

• Only 20% of Canadians say they’d fish their cell phone out of the toilet if it fell in, according to a 2007 survey by Microsoft.

•
Nearly 1 in 3 South Koreans polled in 2008 say they have a TV in the bathroom; 65% say they talk on the phone. (No word on how many watch TV while talking on the phone.)

• Top five reasons British women give for ending relationships with men, according to a survey by the dating Web site Cupid-bay. com: 1) He doesn’t wash his hands after using the bathroom; 2) He farts too much; 3) His feet smell; 4) He leaves toothpaste in the sink; 5) He doesn’t clean the bathtub after using it.

• Top five reasons British men give for ending relationships with women: 1) Her friends are annoying; 2) She talks too much; 3) She shops too much; 4) Her new (short) haircut looks terrible; 5) She hates pets/would never buy his mates a round.

RADIOHEAD.
Bucking the tradition of rock groups trashing hotel rooms, Radiohead actually does the opposite. Not only do they clean up their own rooms, but they once snuck back into a hotel after checking out to clean up a room that their opening band had trashed.

 

THE WHITE STRIPES.
Before he was a rock star, Jack White repaired furniture. At 21 years old, he even started his own business, called Third Man Upholstery. (His slogan: “Your furniture’s not dead.”) Although White enjoyed the work, he wasn’t into the business aspect of it, which began to suffer when his clients stopped taking him seriously. Why? According to White, he’d write poetry inside their furniture and write his invoices in crayon.

 

HAWKWIND.
The ’70s progressive-rock band was playing an outdoor concert during a rainstorm. As part of their theatrical act, singer Nik Turner dressed up in a frog costume and ran onto the stage. On this particular day, however, the stage was muddy and Turner slid all the way across, over the edge, and into a muddy puddle on the ground (just like a real frog).

 

JOHN & YOKO.
In 1969 Lennon and Ono released the avant-garde
Wedding Album
. Side 1 featured 22 minutes of the couple yelling each others’ names. Side 2 featured recordings of the couple on their honeymoon. According to the book
Rock Bottom
, “The album caused great hilarity when it was reviewed by a London journalist who was sent an advance copy, in the form of two single-sided discs. Sadly, he didn’t realize that some record companies distribute test pressings in this form, and commented that he preferred the two sides which contained an electronic hum.”

 

THE COMMODORES.
How did they get their name? In 1968 keyboardist William King put on a blindfold, opened up a dictionary, and placed his finger on a random word. “We lucked out,” King recalled. “We almost became the Commodes!”

Z
ombies in Popular Culture.
“The history, significance, and representation of the zombie in horror and fantasy texts. Final projects foster thoughtful connections between students and the zombie.” (Columbia College, Chicago)

 

Whiteness: The Other Side of Racism.
“While racism disadvantages people of color, it provides benefits to whites. By examining the other side of racism—whiteness—we can see the advantages in education, health care, and employment that white people continually accrue.” (Mount Holyoke College, MA)

 

Learning From YouTube.
“What can YouTube teach us, and is this how, what, and all we’d like to learn?” (Pitzer College, CA)

Popular “Logic” on TV Judge Shows.
“The seminar will be concerned with identifying logical fallacies on
Judge Judy
and
The People’s Court
and why such strategies are so widespread. It is
not
a course about law or ‘legal reasoning.’” (U. C. Berkeley)

 

Tightwaddery.
“On a theoretical level, we will consider how living frugally benefits your mind, your body, your relationships, your community, and the environment. On a practical level, we will sharpen haggling skills.” (Alfred University, NY)

 

The Science of Superheroes.
“Have you ever wondered if Superman could really bend steel bars? Would a gamma ray accident turn you into the Hulk? In this seminar, we discuss the science (or lack of science) behind many famous superheroes.” (U. C. Irvine)

 

Far Side Entomology.
“
The course is designed to introduce you to the humanistic side of entomology by utilizing the humor of Gary Larson as paradigms of human-insect interactions. The ‘cartoon’ format normally provides an anthropomorphic view of insects. This can be an incredibly rich venue as an introduction to the more serious aspects of insects and their relevance to human activities.” (Oregon State University)

The full-size clay model of the Corvette was, in terms of style, ahead of its time and a sight to behold. But it was still a two-seater sports car, and there was a limit to the amount of money GM was willing to spend on a class of vehicle that made up less than a quarter of one percent of all auto sales in the United States. Bob McLean had the unenviable task of building the Corvette using as many existing Chevrolet parts as possible—in other words, he had to build a sports car out of non-sports-car parts. Using preexisting parts did, however, offer one advantage: Chevy could bring the car to market much more quickly than if it had been engineered from scratch.

Harley Earl had a lot of muscle at GM, but even
he
couldn’t pry a V-8 out of Cadillac, Buick, or Oldsmobile, so jealously did the executives of those higher-end divisions guard their turf. The Corvette would have to settle for Chevrolet’s standard six-cylinder engine, the 150-horsepower Blue Flame, also known as the “Stovebolt Six.”

The Corvette was a very low car for its day, with the roofline a good foot lower than that of other cars. This made it too low to use Chevy’s three-speed manual transmission, so the two-speed Powerglide automatic transmission was used instead. They used standard Chevrolet drum brakes and suspension, and a chassis that had been modified from an ordinary sedan. Power steering was out—instead, the Corvette got a large, 17” steering wheel that was easy to turn at slow speeds.