Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader (73 page)
Read Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers' Institute
Put on your knitted thinking caps for this quiz about some unusual old ladies. (Answers on page 516.)
1.
In 2002, 89-year-old Sylvia Mandell of Naples, Florida, spent a night inâ¦
a)
A sewage canal under New York City
b)
Jail for punching a cop
c)
An Anheuser-Busch brewery restroom
d)
A coma after an Ex-lax overdose
2.
What did 88-year-old Viola Meckel of Texas, win in 2001?
a)
A death penalty reprieve
b)
The lottery
c)
A deer-hunting contest
d)
A date with Clint Eastwood
3.
In 2002, 94-year-old Ruby Barber of Duston, England, was ordered by police to take down what from outside her home?
a)
Razor wire
b)
Naked statues of the Royal Family
c)
A billboard advertising her “vital statistics”
d)
Her Christmas lights
4.
In 2001 Amy Hulmes of Manchester, England, passed away at 114. To what did she attribute her long life?
a)
Four beers a day
b)
Four decades without a husband
c)
Four cigars a week
d)
Four decades as a vegetarian
5.
At Miami International Airport in 2002, 81-year-old, wheelchair-bound Stella Michetti wasâ¦
a)
Refused entry to the U.S. for allegedly being a mafia matriarch
b)
Found with 10,000 Ecstasy tablets in her suitcase
c)
Dragged 20 feet by a luggage rack that caught her coat.
d)
Arrested for indecent exposure in a men's room
Average age of a first-time U.S. bride in 1970: 20.8 years. In 2000: 25.1.
We're not superstitious at the BRI, but we always try to include at least one Elvis page. Last year we forgotâ¦and we were all shook up. We hope this makes up for it.
WELVE VITAL STATISTICS
1.
Driver's license number (Tennessee): 2571459
2.
Waistline, 1950s: 32 inches
3.
Waistline, 1970s: 44 inches
4.
Blood type: O
5.
Shoe size: 11D (he wore size-12 combat boots)
6.
Social Security Number: 409-52-2002
7.
Draft number: 53310761
8.
Checking account number: 011-143875
9.
Length of his wedding to Priscilla Beaulieu: eight minutes
10.
Phone number (Memphis): 397-4427
11.
Phone number (Beverly Hills): 278-3496
12.
Phone number (Palm Springs): 325-3241
1.
Ann-Margret: “Bunny,” “Thumper,” “Scoobie”
2.
Malessa Blackwood: “Brown Eyes”
3.
Margrit Buergin: “Little Puppy”
4.
Dolores Hart: “Whistle Britches”
5.
Ursula Andress: “Alan”
6.
Ginger Alden: “Gingerbread,” “Chicken Neck”
1.
James Caughley: “Hamburger”
2.
Joe Esposito: “Diamond Joe”
3.
Lamar Fike: “Bull”
4.
Marvin Gamble: “Gee Gee”
5.
Charlie Hodge: “Slewfoot,” “Waterhead”
Fore! 18% of all money spent on sporting goods in the U.S. is used to buy golf equipment.
1.
Salary of $250 a week (1950s) to $425 a week (1960s)
2.
Cadillacs, jewelery, women, and down payments on homes given as gifts
3.
Free lodging (mobile homes on the grounds of Graceland)
4.
Gold TCB (“Taking Care of Business”) necklaces and .38-caliber pistols provided free of charge
5.
Elvis never leaves Graceland without you
1.
Elvis never leaves Graceland without you.
2.
On call 24 hours a day
3.
No paid vacations
4.
No pensions
5.
No matter how stupid or dangerous the request that Elvis makes of you, if you don't fulfill it, you're out of a job.
6.
Outsiders disparage you as Elvis' “fart catchers.”
Matthew 19:24, “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” (The passage haunted Elvis toward the end of his life.)
1.
“I eat a lot of Jell-O. Fruit Jell-O.”
2.
“The only exercise I get is on the stage. If I didn't get that, I'd get a little round around the tummy, as much as I eat.”
3.
“I have never tasted alcohol.”
1.
Lucy deBarbin: Claims Elvis fathered her daughter Desiree on August 23, 1958.
2.
Ann Farrell: Claims she married the King in Alabama in 1957, after refusing to sleep with him “unless they were man and wife.”
3.
Candy Jo Fuller: Claims to be Elvis' daughter after he had an affair with her mother in the 1950s. Claims Elvis paid child support for many years.
4.
Zelda Harris: Claims the King married her in Alabama in 1960, “after just one date.”
5.
Barbara Jean Lewis: Claims she and Elvis dated for a year in the mid-1950s and that she gave birth to Elvis' daughter, Deborah Delaine Presley, in 1955. (In 1988 Deborah sued the Presley estate demanding her “fair share.” She lost.)
6.
Billie Joe Newton: Claims Elvis married her and fathered three children by her, the first when she was only nine years old. Claims Elvis divorced her in 1956 “because Colonel Tom Parker demanded it.”
Note:
None of these women have any proof to back up their claims. Most claim that the documentationâmarriage certificates, birth certificates, divorce papers, etc.âhas been lost or destroyed.
23% of the Earth's land mass is buried under snow at least part of the year.
1.
December 30, 1970: Tours FBI headquarters in Washington, D.C.; sought and obtained permits to carry firearms in every state.
2.
July, 1971: Spends $55,000 on a stretch limousine that matched the one he saw in the movie
Shaft.
3.
January 2, 1972: Buys a $10,000 robe inscribed “The People's Champion” and gives it to Muhammad Ali.
4.
March 31, 1973: Ali wears the robe that Elvis gave him for his fight against Ken Norton. Ali loses the fight.
5.
September 1, 1975: Elvis is sworn in as deputy sheriff (honorary) of Shelby County, Tennessee.
6.
December 18, 1975: Elvis spends the day obsessing over (1) the supernatural, (2) the occult, (3) his weight, (4) his fear of becoming impotent. Loved ones describe him as “a physical and mental wreck.”
“Ambition is a dream with a V8 engine.”
Elvis Presley
Three states with the highest per-capita credit card debt: Alaska, Vermont, South Dakota.
Many of our Canadian readers have sent us items about life in the Great White Northâ¦including some strange Canadian laws. Here are a few examples.
In Canada, it's illegal to jump from a flying airplane without a parachute.
In Nova Scotia, you're not allowed to water the lawn when it is raining.
In Toronto, it's illegal to drag a dead horse along Yonge Street on Sunday.
A maritime law in Canada specifies that two vessels cannot occupy the same space at the same time.
In Quebec, margarine must be a different color from butter.
The city of Guelph, Ontario, is classified as a “no-pee zone.”
In Montreal, you may not park a car in such a way that it is blocking your own driveway.
It's illegal to ride a Toronto streetcar on Sunday if you've been eating garlic.
In Alberta, wooden logs may not be painted.
It is illegal to kill a Sasquatch in British Columbia.
An Etobicoke, Ontario, bylaw states that no more than 3.5 inches of water is allowed in a bathtub.
In Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island, you can only buy liquor with a doctor's prescription.
Burnaby, BC, has a 10 p.m. curfewâfor dogs.
An anti-noise ordinance in Ottawa makes it illegal for bees to buzz.
Pedestrians on Toronto sidewalks must give a hand signal before turning.
In Vancouver, BC, it's illegal to ride a tricycle over 10 mph.
It is illegal to sell antifreeze to Indians in Quebec.
Tightrope walking over the main streets of Halifax is prohibited. (Side streets are okay.)
40% of the world's newspapers are printed on paper that comes from Canadian forests.
With everything we've sent through the pipeline in 15 years of
Bathroom Readers,
it's amazing that we've never gotten around to telling the story of the disposable diaper. Here it is at last.
OT AGAIN
One afternoon in the late 1940s, a young mother named Marion Donovan changed her daughter's cloth diaper⦠only to see the baby wet the new diaper, her clothes, and her crib bedding all over again just a few minutes later. Traditional cloth diapers weren't like modern disposable diapersâthe wetness and goo immediately soaked through, soiling everything the baby came in contact with. Rubber baby pants could be used to hold in the moisture, but they caused terrible diaper rash because they didn't allow the baby's skin to breathe.
There weren't any other solutionsâ¦until Donovan glanced over at her waterproof shower curtain and something clicked. She realized the curtain material would make an excellent outer cover for cloth diapers. If the cover was made properly, it would hold in moisture but would also breathe better than rubber, preventing diaper rash. She cut out a piece of the shower curtain, took it to her sewing machine, and started sewing.
It took Donovan three years (and a lot of shower curtains) to perfect her design for waterproof diaper covers. She ended up switching to nylon parachute cloth instead of shower curtains. She also added snaps, so that mothers didn't have to worry about sticking their babies with safety pins.
Donovan jokingly named her diaper covers Boatersâsince the covers didn't leak they kept babies “afloat”âand she convinced Saks Fifth Avenue to begin carrying them in 1949. They were an immense hit, and in 1951 Donovan sold the rights to her diaper covers for $1 million.
