UN-RELATED (UN-RELATED SERIES) (20 page)

“I’m far from perfect, Abby, and I don’t think it has anything to do with Tyler or me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think she’s jealous of you.”

“I just told you that…she wanted Tyler, but now, I’m quite certain she’d rather have you.”

“No, that’s not it, Abby. Have you even looked in a mirror lately?”

“What?”

“You still don’t see it, do you?”

“Kellan, what are you talking about?”

“You’re breathtaking. Abby, you’re the most beautiful girl…young woman, I’ve ever seen. I told you that before. That’s why she’s jealous.”

I didn’t know what to say. I looked up into his eyes, he was looking into mine and I wished he would kiss me. I think he wanted to, but I knew he also wanted to take things slowly.

“I um, I’d love to prove her wrong and kiss you right now.”

I looked into his eyes and said, “Forget about her, just kiss me because you want to…because I want you to.”

He smiled, “It’s only our first date.”

I knew he wasn’t going to kiss me, “You’re driving me crazy; you know that, don’t you?” I smiled and leaned into him.

“Trust me, the feeling’s mutual.”

The previews started playing and I snuggled into him, content to be in his arms. The movie was a bit explicit, and I felt myself blushing a few times, but I wasn’t about to complain.

He took me home after the movie and walked me to the door.

“Did you enjoy the movie?” he asked, grinning at me, knowing I was completely mortified during most of it.

“Um, it was…” I couldn’t lie to him, “…embarrassing. Maybe the other one would have been better.”

“I agree. There is something to be said for Disney movies.”

“Well, I found my Prince Charming, so maybe next time, we’ll settle for a comedy.”

“Sounds good. Goodnight, Abby.”

“Please stay,” I asked one last time.

“No. I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”

“Take me with you, then. Kellan, I’m always alone…and I miss you so much. I only have you for the summer. Don’t leave me alone.”

“Abby, please don’t do this. Believe me, this is just as hard for me as it is for you. I don’t want to leave you…I want…”

“What do you want?” I asked, looking up through veiled lids.

“You. I want you.”

“I’m right here.”

“Goodnight, Abby. I’ll pick you up at 10:00.”

“Okay. What should I wear?”

“I thought we’d go to breakfast and then the Santa Monica Pier. You still love the beach, right?”

“Sounds wonderful. I’ll see you in the morning.” I reached up and hugged him, hoping for a goodnight kiss, but I was disappointed as he pulled away and started to head to his car.

“Lock the doors and windows, okay?”

“Kellan?”

“What?”

“If this was a date, where’s my kiss goodnight?” I asked.

“This is our first date.”

“So?”

“Did you kiss Tyler on your first date?”

“I um, I’m not sure when we officially started dating. But, I didn’t actually kiss him until prom, not that he didn’t try earlier.”

“I don’t want to hear this. I’ll see you in the morning.”

I sighed and watched him walk to his car.

“Abby, go inside and lock the windows and doors, please.”

“Kellan, this was a date. You’re not acting as my big brother now.”

“Abby, I’ll always be there to make sure you’re safe…got it?”

“Okay.” I closed the door and locked it and then ran to the window to watch him drive away.

He picked me up the next morning and we went out to breakfast and then to the pier just like he said. It was fun. After having lunch, we headed to the beach for a swim.

“Is the water warm?” I asked Kellan as I stripped down to my swimsuit.

“No, it’s still a little…” he stopped talking when he turned around.

“It’s still a little what?” I asked, walking toward him.

“It’s um, it’s…you’re stunning, Abby.”

“Thank you. For some reason I thought you were going to yell at me to put my clothes back on.”

“That’s exactly what I should do…but I don’t want to.” He was staring at me like he’d never seen me before. 

I walked up to him and said, “It’s officially our second date.”

“Okay?” he said, looking down at me and breathing hard.

“Will you kiss me, now?” I asked, wrapping my arms around his neck. I knew he wasn’t going to, but I thought I’d play with him a bit. I kept moving forward which inched him back and once he was knee-deep in the water, I pushed him backward just as a wave hit.

“You’re going to pay for that!” he yelled and stood up. He chased me down the beach, and it wasn’t long before he caught up to me and grabbed me around the waist.

I laughed and said, “I just thought you needed to cool off.”

“Your turn,” he smiled and picked me up and tossed me into the frigid water.

I screamed and he said, “You started it,” and he followed me back into the water.

We swam and played and had a great time. We shared another romantic dinner and then he took me home. And, just like the night before, he refused to kiss me.

“Kellan, please kiss me goodnight,” I said while standing on my front porch.

“The last time you asked me to kiss you I ended up in cold water.”

“Well this time, if you don’t kiss me, you’re going to be in
hot
water,” I smiled.

“Goodnight, Abby.”

The next few weeks were pretty much the same…frustrating. He refused to touch me or kiss me and when I finally had enough, I confronted him on my porch. 

“Kellan, I thought you were serious about dating me?”

“I am. We’ve been together every minute since I’ve been back.”

“That’s right! Two weeks now, Kellan. Tell me something? How long do you usually wait to kiss your dates?” I was angry, and he knew it.

“I don’t usually wait, Abby. Most of the time, I do a lot more than just kiss on the first date.”

“Then what are you waiting for?”

“The right moment.”

“
Now
works for me.”

“Now’s not the right moment.”

“Kellan, is it ever going to be the right moment? Or, are you just going to drag this out until the summer’s over?” I reached up and put my arms around his neck and said, “Would you please kiss me?”

He pulled my arms from around his neck and said, “I um, I’ve been meaning to talk to you…about that,” he said, sitting down on the front porch steps. He patted the step next to him and said, “Sit with me for a minute, please?”

I sighed and sat down next to him, wondering what he could possibly have to say.

“Kellan, what is it? Don’t you want to kiss me?”

“Yes, Abby, I want to kiss you. I want to do a lot more than that,” he admitted reluctantly.

“What’s stopping you?” I asked, frustrated.

“I um, I want you to do something for me…for us, first.”

“What?” I asked, wondering what he could possibly want.

“You may not like it.”

“If it will get you to kiss me, then I’ll do it. Just ask!”

“I want you to see a doctor.”

“What?”

“I want you to see a doctor…first.”

“What for?” I asked.

He took a deep breath, turned toward me and said, “Birth control.”

“You want me to get on birth control before you’ll kiss me?
              Kellan, I read the book you bought me. And, although I may not be experienced in this area, I’m pretty sure you can’t get me pregnant just by kissing me. Trust me, it’s safe.”

“No, it’s not.” He stood up and paced in front of me. He was trying to figure out how to get his point across, and finally he just stopped and said, “Abby, I know it may sound silly, but um, I’m afraid to kiss you…”

“What?”

He sat back down and looked me in the eye, “I’ve never wanted anyone as much as I want you. I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop, and something tells me that you won’t stop me, either.”

“Well, you did promise…” I looked up at him, amazed by his confession.

“I know, and I have every intention of keeping that promise…once I know it’s safe.”

“Okay, I’ll go,” I agreed, knowing that if it brought me one step closer to Kellan, it would be worth it.

He sighed, “Okay.”

“You don’t sound too happy about it.”

He was pacing again, “I guess I should go,” he said, ignoring my statement.

I stood up and faced him. “What is it? What’s bothering you?”

He closed his eyes for a minute and said, “I told you, I don’t want to screw this up. I’m happy, for the first time, ever. I can’t lose you Abby, I just can’t.”

“I can’t go back to the way it was, Kellan. Can you?”

“No, I guess not. It’s just…I know that once we get physical, things will change. I’m happy…now.”

“So am I, but does that mean you don’t want to move forward? I don’t know about you, but as happy as I am being with you, I know, without a doubt, that I want more. I need more. I need you.”

“I need you, too,” he sighed.

“Then show me.” 

I was standing on the top step and he faced me and said, “I will, once it’s safe.”

“UGH! You are the most frustrating man! You’re lucky I love you. I don’t think any other…”

“I am lucky, Abby. I know that. I’m the luckiest man alive…I have you. That’s why I’m so afraid of screwing it up. But I know we can’t go on like this forever. I know I’ve made you wait, and I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’ve been waiting for you for years…you’re worth the wait. I’ll go see a doctor…tomorrow. Okay?”

“Okay. Go inside and lock up. I’ll call you in the morning.”

“Are you ready?” Kellan asked me the next morning.

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” I said, nervous about my imminent doctor’s appointment.

“I wish I could go for you, but there aren’t a lot of options for men.”

“There’s one!” I said, suddenly worried about what was going to happen to me.

“Yeah, but…”

“But, what?”

He stopped at a light and turned toward me. “I always use condoms, Abby…always. Ever since that scare with Brianna, I’m extremely careful.”

“Then why do I have to do this?”

The light changed and he was quiet for a few minutes.

“Kellan?”

“Because I don’t trust myself with you.”

“I’ll remind you,” I said, but then thought about it, “No, I probably won’t.”

“Let’s just get this over with, okay?”

I sighed, “Okay.”

He pulled into the lot and asked me for the third time when my appointment was.

“I told you, 10:15. Why are you so nervous? I’m the one who has to talk to the doctor.”

“You know that you’re going to have to do more than just talk to her, right?”

“What?”

“She’s going to examine you…first.”

“Great. Let’s go and get it over with, like you said.”

“So, you aren’t even curious about what she’s going to do?”

I turned to him and said, “I want you, Kellan. I’ll do whatever I have to do.”

“There is another option,” he grinned.

“What’s that?”

“We could wait…”

“That’s not an option. But, for the sake of clarity, wait for what?”

“Until you’re 18…and legal.”

“Is that what this is all about? You’re worried about my age?”

“No, well, partly. You’re only 16, Abby.”

“How old were you?” I asked, knowing he wasn’t going to tell me.

“That’s not the issue. I can’t change the past…only the future.”

“Well, the future is now…I’m not waiting over a year. And, something tells me, you won’t either.”

“I will, if that’s what’s best for you.”

“You’re what’s best for me. Stop worrying. Let’s go.”

He sighed, but followed me to the door anyway. I signed in and sat down to fill out the appropriate paper-work.

When I got to the question about age of menarche, Kellan laughed and said, “Thirteen. I’ll never forget that day.”

I smiled up at him, “You won’t forget it? I thought I was dying.”

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t very helpful, was I?”

“You were great.  I told you, you’ve always been there for me.”

“I always will be.” He was looking at me like he wanted to kiss me. I actually thought he was going to, but just as he leaned over, I heard my name called.

“Abigail Shepard?” the nurse called. I can honestly say, I wanted to hurt her…

“Great timing!” I said, and rolled my eyes.

Kellan just laughed and said, “Soon, Abby.”

I stood up and started to walk toward the nurse. I noticed Kellan got up and grabbed a magazine.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Getting a magazine, why?” he asked as he sat back down.

“Oh, no. You’re coming with me!” I ordered.

“I can’t go back there. You know I hate…doctors and blood…and stuff. That’s why I’m in law school and not med school.”

“Kellan, I’m not giving you the option of staying out here. Please, I need you to come with me.”

He sighed and stood up. He walked over to the nurse and said, “Um, she wants me to come back with her. Would you explain to her why I can’t, please?”

She smiled at him and then turned to me, “He acts like it’s him that’s going to be poked and prodded.” She chuckled and said, “Come on, tough guy, you’ll be fine.”

She held the door open for him and I watched him run his fingers through his hair and nervously walk through the door.

I stepped on the scale and peed in a cup and was taken into a room and told to put on a gown and sit on a table covered with paper.

“I’ll wait outside the door for you to change. I’ll be here when you talk to her, but once she…does her thing…I’m outta here.”

I walked up to him and said, “Please stay with me. I’m sorry if you’re uncomfortable, but think about how I feel. You can face the wall, or whatever, just be here…hold my hand. Please?”

He hugged me and said, “You’re right. I’ll stay. But, if I see one needle or any blood…you’re going to be sorry you didn’t have me wait in the waiting room.”              

I smiled up at him, remembering our trip to the emergency room. “You’ll be fine.”

I stepped behind the curtain and changed into the gown and hopped up on the table.

“Okay, I’m covered now.”

He turned around and sat in the chair across from me. We sat and stared at each other for what seemed like forever. We were both nervous, and as I looked at him, I realize that he was even more nervous than I was. “Kellan, you act like you’re the one sitting up here. Relax.”

“It’s my fault you’re sitting up there.”

“Yes it is!” I agreed with a smile.

“You don’t have to do this,” he said, feeling guilty again.

“Yes I do. It is your fault, but not because you asked me to, but because I want you. I love you. And, as hard as it is for me to admit, you’re right, I need to do this.”

He nodded, but looked down.

“Kellan…”

“I’m so sorry to keep you waiting. I’m Beverly Paulson, and you’re Abigail?”

“Yes,” I smiled and shook her hand, hoping my hand wasn’t soaking wet from my nerves.

“And…you are?” she turned to Kellan.

“Kellan Reynolds.”

“Nice to meet you. So, you’re here to talk about birth control.” She sat down on her stool and rolled between us. “What kind of birth control did you have in mind?”

She looked at me and then Kellan. Neither of us said anything.

“No ideas? Do you know your options?” she asked.

“Um, no not really,” I managed.

“Okay, well…” 

She went through all the available prescription and non-prescription forms of birth control, and explained in detail how they worked, how effective they were and how they were used.

My head was swimming. I think I just assumed I would be given some pills and that would be the end of it. But, there were pills, shots, rings, implants, IUD’s, condoms for both men and women, sponges and diaphragms. The list was endless.

“So, what are you thinking?” she asked once she was done.

Kellan looked as perplexed as I was. Finally, I said, “I um, I guess…pills.”

“Okay. Well, let me examine you and then we’ll decide which type of pill would work the best for you.”

Kellan stood up and said, “Abby, I know you want me here, but…”

“Don’t you dare bail on me now,” I glared at him.

“You can just stand up by her head and hold her hand, okay? You won’t see a thing, I promise,” the doctor grinned. 

He sighed and walked over to me and she rolled over a small stool for him to sit on. I think she was worried he’d pass out. Frankly, so was I.

He sat at the head of the table and I was sitting on the edge. She dropped the front of my gown and I felt his hand tighten in mine at my sudden exposure. He could only see my back, but I knew he was stressing anyway.

She examined my breasts and looked me over carefully. “Okay, lay back and I’ll finish the breast exam with you lying down.” She covered me back up and I laid back. Kellan’s eyes never left the wall behind us, and I laughed at him. He didn’t budge or glance away from whatever spot on the wall he was focused on.

She finished examining my breasts and then covered me back up and pulled out the stirrups. Now I was nervous. I sort of knew what was going to happen, but up to that moment, I was more amused by Kellan’s reactions, than my own modesty.

I immediately tensed when she grabbed first one leg and then then other and exposed my most private area to her personal view. I squeezed his hand and he looked down at me and whispered, “It’s okay, Abby. I’m not going anywhere.”

I focused on his eyes as she readied whatever things she needed to use and I relaxed, knowing he was worth whatever torture I was about to endure.

“So, there’s no chance you could be pregnant, right?”

I almost laughed, but simply said, “No.”

“Okay. She grabbed something off of her table and said, “So, what type of birth control are you using now?”

“I’m not,” I whispered, wishing she’d just do it and be done.

“Nothing? Then how can you be sure you’re not pregnant?” she asked, standing up and looking directly at me.

I looked up at Kellan and then back over to her and said, “We came to see you…first. We haven’t done…anything, yet.”

“Oh, well, I’m glad to know there are some responsible young people in the world.”

She sat back down and said, “Okay, I’m going to touch you here…I’ll be as gentle as I can. I’m going to insert the…”

I tensed again, but she didn’t do anything. I heard her rummaging through a drawer and finally she said, “Well, I have to go and get a different speculum, this one’s too large. I’ll be right back, okay?”

“Oh, that’s just great!” Kellan mumbled.

The doctor smiled at him and made her way out of the room.

I relaxed as soon as she walked out the door, but Kellan only seemed more anxious.

“Are you okay?” I asked Kellan, noticing his ashen shade.

“I’m…fine.” He wasn’t convincing, but the doctor walked back in before I could delve deeper into the subject.

“Sorry about that. Okay, so we’ll try this again.” She sat down again and said, “I’ll try to be as gentle as possible.”

Kellan sighed and rolled his eyes.

“Are you okay?” I asked again.

He nodded, but I could tell something was bothering him.

I tensed up the second the metal hit my skin, but it wasn’t painful, only slightly uncomfortable. She finished what she was doing and talked about birth control pill options and once we agreed on one, she asked if we had any more questions.

I looked up at Kellan’s still-ashen face and said, “Kellan, why don’t you go ahead out to the waiting room and…” he was up and out the door with a quick nod before I could finish my sentence.

“Not fond of doctor’s?” Dr. Paulson said with a grin.

“No, he’s not fond of anything medical.”

“Is there anything else you wanted to ask?”

“No, I um, I’m good, I guess. I just wanted to give Kellan an out. He’s so nervous.”

“Yes, he did seem on edge.”

“I don’t know why. It’s not like he’s sitting up here.”

“Hmm, well, I may be off, but I think he’s afraid he’s going to hurt you.”

“Kellan would never hurt me,” I said, missing her point.

“I mean when you become sexually active. I think he’s worried he’s going to hurt you…physically.”

I looked up at her and before I could stop myself, I blurted out, “I don’t care if it hurts! I’ve waited for him for years. He’s not backing out now.”

She sat down next to me and said, “How long have you two been dating?”

“A little over two weeks.”

“I’m confused. You said you’ve been waiting for him for years, but you’ve only been dating two weeks?”

I took a deep breath and attempted to explain our past. “…so, I still think part of him wants to protect me like a big brother, even though he’s not.”

“Well, then it sounds to me like he’s taken a big step. He obviously loves you, but he’s torn. I don’t know what to tell you, other than I think you’re just going to have to be patient with him. He’s also, what…two or three years older than you?”

“Four…almost five.”

“So there’s that guilt too.”

“Why should he feel guilty about anything? I’m the one that started this…I pushed him.”

“If that were true, then he would have been able to stay away. Abby, I think…and I’m just making an outsider’s educated guess, but I think he’s so in love with you that maybe he’s afraid of losing what you two have always had.”

“That’s what he said; that he didn’t want to risk losing me by sleeping with me.”

“Well, my best advice then, and you may not like it, but I think you need to give him some time. Give him a chance to catch up. Don’t worry, he’ll come around, that, I’m sure of.”

“Thank you.”

“Abby, you can’t start taking these pills until your next period starts,” she said while handing me a three month pack.

“But, that’s not for two weeks.”

“Well, that may give him the time he needs to adjust, but there are always condoms in the meantime, should that become an issue. You should use condoms for your first two weeks on the pill as well, just to be on the safe side.”