Twisted (8 page)

I glanced at the clock.

“You don’t have to leave for a while yet, do you?” Phoebe asked.

“You got here late,” Hailey admonished.

After I left the cemetery I’d been in a melancholy mood. I’d taken my time at home packing my overnight bag because I hadn’t been in a hurry to meet up with my friends. All I could think about was the visit. I was ready to go as soon as Remy got up.

Even though I knew I wouldn’t be going to the party I had agreed to come and get ready with them. We were finishing our nails and facials were next. I knew I should be having fun but I just couldn’t escape my dismal mood. I was still upset from what I had read a few nights before.

It was hard to sit here with my friends and pretend nothing was wrong when my emotions were so mixed up inside. I couldn’t talk to them because there was no way they would understand. If you haven’t been through it, you just don’t know. And I couldn’t tell them anyway, not without sharing the secret Remy and I had decided to hide.

“I’m sorry,” I said apologetically. “But I probably should go. Remy might wake up early.” And if she did, I was anxious to get going. Maybe if we got there early enough we could squeeze in a visit tonight. Despite her faults, she was still my mom and I loved her and missed her. I was so anxious to see her.

“Maya,” Hailey groaned. “You just got here! You said you could stay for a couple of hours. We were going to do facials.”

Phoebe put a hand on Hailey’s arm. “Hey, I’m still here. You still get to do your facial. Maya said she should go, let her go.” She shot me a sympathetic look and I tried to give her a smile.

I hugged them both goodbye and apologized for cutting things short. On the ride home I started to wonder if Remy would be willing to leave early. She could always sleep in the car while I drove. I wondered if I dared to wake her up so I could ask her.

Visiting the cemetery had made me really miss Dad and Trey. That had made me really miss my mom. I didn’t want to wait another day to see her. If Remy was willing, I wanted to try to get there in time to squeeze in some visiting hours tonight.

I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t get the phone message out of my head. Having to hear the words, so cold and recorded, not asking us to call her back so we could discuss it. Like it wasn’t even worth her time to talk to us for real.

The house felt too confining. Remy had ended up picking up a shift at the hospital. So she went in to work anyway, even though she originally requested the night off. I wished she were home. I would’ve crawled into bed with her, talked the night away. As it was I felt restless and wired.

I threw off the covers and slipped into my running shoes. I grabbed my house key, stuffed my pockets full of Kleenex and slipped out the door.    

I found myself by the river. Even at night the trail was lit. The light filtered over from the streetlamps that lined the road that ran parallel. I jogged along the paved trail. My feet seemed to know where they were headed before my brain caught on. I reached Ben’s tree and stopped to lean against it. I listened to my unusually jagged breathing. I slid down the rough bark until I was sitting in the well worn patch of earth.

From here I could hear the river water flowing and gurgling as it churned along. That sound alone should have calmed me but instead, I felt a fresh wave of tears well up. I let them out, quieter now than at home in my room. I leaned my head against the tree. I looked up into the darkness while my tears fell. They trickled down my cheeks, down my neck and into the fabric of my t-shirt. I let them fall until there were no more.

The sky was clear.  The stars were twinkling brightly but they were just a blur behind my teary eyes.

Stars are the porch lights of Heaven
, Remy would say.

I didn’t hear his footsteps approach until he was almost there. We saw each other at the same moment. He immediately stopped when he saw me. I realized I was invading his personal space.

“I’m sorry,” I said as I jumped to my feet.

“What are you doing here?”

The streetlights were behind him. They barely reached us this far from the path. His silhouette was illuminated. I couldn’t make out his expression under the dark shadows cast across his face.

“It’s the middle of the night,” he pointed out. As if I maybe hadn’t noticed. “You shouldn’t be out here alone. Not this late.”

I sniffled and swallowed down a sob. “I needed to go for a run.”

“You went for a run in that?” he asked, making me wish I’d taken the time to change out of my unflattering yellow pajama pants.

I sniffled again and nodded.

“Are you crying?” I thought he stifled a groan. 

“No,” I said defiantly. Although the faint glow from the streetlamp might imply otherwise. But I wasn’t, now. I was just dealing with the residual effects. The jagged breathing and the runny nose. I plucked another Kleenex out of my pocket. “Not anymore.”

He hesitated as though he actually wanted to say something. Then he started to back away again, as if ready to bolt without another word.

“Why are you here?” I asked before he fled.

He looked at me, possibly weighing his answer then shrugged. “I come here all the time.”

“I know.” This was his place. I was invading it. “But even in the middle of the night?”

“Yes.”

“It’s too dark to read.”

He let out a disdainful sigh. “I don’t always read.”

I stepped closer to him. He looked tense, as if he were afraid to be here alone with me at night. He was so close to running the other way. “Do you come to think then?”

Several beats passed before he replied.  “Sometimes.”

“If you want to talk about what happened, you can talk to me.” I knew it was a bold statement. One he probably wouldn’t appreciate. But it was an honest offer and I wanted to make it anyway.

He scoffed and his tone was bitter. “Why? Are you hoping to hear the details? Hoping I’ll slip up and confess to you?”

I reached out to stop him as he turned away from me. When my fingers slid around his elbow he froze in place.

“No, Ben. That’s not it at all. I just…I know what it’s like to have your world turned upside down,” I softly admitted.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said with a sharp shake of his head.

“Yes, I do,” I insisted. It was dark and it was quiet and so calm. It felt as if everyone,
everything
else had just faded away. In that moment it seemed as if Ben and I were the only two people left in the world. Because of that the words weren’t so hard to say. “I know what it feels like when you can’t think too much or miss someone too much because it’ll consume you.”

He shook his head again as though I couldn’t possibly begin to understand.

“With everything that happened afterward, did you ever get a chance to miss her? Did you ever get a chance to talk about her? I mean the
good
stuff?”

“Why are you doing this?” he asked.

“Because you need a friend.” I was still holding his arm. Afraid he’d be gone, lost in the darkness, the moment I let go.

“And you want to be my friend?” he grated out. “Do you know what happens to my friends?”

“Everyone needs a friend.”

“So, what? I’m supposed to open up and tell you all of my secrets?”

I hesitated. “You’re not the only one with secrets you know. And you’re not the only one who’s ever had their world blown apart. I think what happened to you was terrible,” I said softly. “What happened with Katie had to be hard enough. But what happened after...”

Ben tilted his head to the side, eyes narrowing. His body was tense and challenging. “If you’re so insistent on talking, why don’t you talk about yourself?”

I felt my shoulders slump and I released him from my grip. “What do you want to know?”

“Why are
you
here tonight? Really?”

I didn’t
want
to talk about myself but Ben didn’t want to talk about himself, either. I guess that made us even.

I turned, making my way back to the base of the tree. I slid down the scaly trunk again. I sat in the dirt where Ben had sat more times than I could probably have imagined. If he didn’t want me in his spot, then too bad, he shouldn’t have just issued me a challenge.

“I’m here because I had a bad day and I couldn’t sleep,” I said simply. He didn’t move but I continued. “Remy and I were supposed to go visit Mom this weekend. When I got home this afternoon there was a message on our voicemail saying she didn’t want to see us. We weren’t invited. We wouldn’t be welcomed and we should just stay away.” I heard my voice crack and break.

I was staring out over the rippling river. I hadn’t heard Ben approach. He sat down next to me, several inches away but when he pulled his knees up to his chest like mine were, our legs rested together. He didn’t seem to notice, at least not in the same way I did.

“She’s not traveling for some job like Remy and I told everyone. We wanted to protect her. And protect Dad and Trey’s memory by hiding what she’s become now that they’re gone. If she were the person she used to be, she’d be so ashamed of herself now.” I stopped, feeling guilty spilling our secret without Remy’s consent. Yet I very much doubted Ben would tell anyone. “She’s actually in rehab. A few months ago an officer showed up at the door to tell me she’d been in an accident. She crashed her car into a tree. That wasn’t the first time she’d been driving while drinking. Or caught while doing it. She was in the hospital for a few days. Now she’s in court-ordered rehab. That’s how and why I came to live with Remy.”

I glanced over at Ben. He was watching me, his face expressionless. He didn’t say anything so I kept talking.

“She’s never been the same since Dad and Trey died. It’s like she’s just putting in her time here until she can be with them again. But she does her best to do it in a haze. Between the tranquilizers and the alcohol, it’s like Dad and Trey are gone but she may as well be gone too. Because for all intents and purposes, I haven’t had a mom since I was eleven. It’s like Remy and I don’t count anymore. Like we’re not worth enough to her for her to pick up the pieces and live her life for.” I shrugged helplessly. “She’s furious that I’m living with Remy. Like I abandoned her or something, when the truth is, I’ve been taking care of her for years.

“The life insurance policies for Dad and Trey left her just enough money to never have to work. So she just spends her days and nights in a haze. When she can’t keep the haze thick enough, she makes us pack up and move. Like she expects a new town and a new house to bring her the peace she can’t find in herself. But of course it never does. So we just move…over and over and over again.”

My words were catching in my throat. I stopped to try to even out my breathing. I mentally pushed away my tears.

“I don’t know what she wants from me. I know she didn’t want me to move here with Remy. But I’m not legally old enough to be on my own, even though I’ve been on my own for a really long time. I don’t know. Maybe she thought foster care was a better option if it kept me in the same town as her. Or maybe she thought Remy should’ve dropped everything. Like she’s done so many times, and gone there to stay with me.” I sniffled. “I’m tired of being her babysitter. I’m tired of tucking her in when she’s passed out. I’ve had enough of cleaning up after the messes she makes. I’m tired of living out of boxes because it’s a waste of time to unpack them. I’m tired of waiting by the phone and waiting at the door wondering if and when she’s going to come home. And even after I’ve done all of that for years now, she calls today and says she doesn’t want me. She doesn’t want me around.”

I felt the tears, dangerously close again. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to keep them contained much longer. I tried to push them away but they wouldn’t go. The tears I thought I’d already cried dry. I tried so hard to hold them back at first. The harder I tried to squelch them, the faster they seemed to bubble up and over. Then they just wouldn’t stop.

I felt Ben’s arm slide around me as he scooted closer. I leaned into him, settling my head against chest. “I just miss them,” I said through the strangled feeling that had ensnared my throat. “All three of them. Sometimes it just hurts too much.”

“I know,” he said quietly. I knew he meant it.

I snuggled in closer to him, expecting him to push me away but he didn’t. He wrapped his arms around me a little tighter and rested his head on mine. We sat like that until I lost track of time. Until finally my tears stopped and my breathing evened out again.

“At least I have Remy,” I finally said. I wondered but did not yet dare ask Ben who he had. His parents? I hoped his parents, if no one else. “It’s been Remy who always asks for a copy of my report card. She reminds me how important school is. She’s the one that always sends a package and calls on my birthday so it doesn’t go by completely unnoticed. I always know I can call her for anything. Somehow, having lost three of the most important people in my life, just having Remy be there for me evens it all out in some way. You know?”

I tilted my head up to look at Ben. His eyes met mine and honestly, he looked like he
didn’t
know.

“That’s why I said everyone needs a friend,” I said with a small shrug. “As long as you have one person you can trust, the rest of the world doesn’t seem so bad.”    

***

“He was stalking you?” Hailey asked, wide-eyed.

No!” I snapped. “How could he be stalking me? I left my house in the middle of the night. I never do that. I mean, that would be stupid to think he’s stalking me!”

“It doesn’t sound nearly as ridiculous as you just coincidentally bumping into him at two AM,” Olivia said. She looked as alarmed as she sounded.

My admission to spending time with Ben had caused enough of a distraction that everyone’s lunches sat before them, completely forgotten.

I groaned and put my hands over my face. This was not going at all as I had hoped. I wanted to show them the good side of Ben. They had turned it all around to fit their messed up preconceived notions.

I couldn’t tell them about the park. If I mentioned his private spot I would be giving him away. I felt a sour feeling flood my stomach. I wished I had never opened my mouth. I had wanted to say something positive about Ben. I had the gut wrenching feeling I may have just made a terrible mistake.

Hailey grimaced. “I would have been
so
scared. Did he try anything?” she asked conspiratorially. She was suddenly interested that she may learn something gossip worthy.

I shook my head in frustration. I wasn’t about to share how he had just held me and let me cry. I wasn’t going to let them take that memory and destroy it with their snide comments and sick ideas.

Olivia put her hands up to her cheeks. “I can’t believe you let yourself be put into such a dangerous position. He’s like a parent’s worst nightmare. What would your mom think if she knew you were alone with him?” She looked mortified at the thought.

I did a mental eye roll. I had no intention of telling her I’d probably have to walk down the streets of Los Angeles naked before my mom would take notice.

“You’re getting it all wrong,” I insisted. “He walked me all the way home to make sure nothing happened to me on the way back. It was very sweet. He told me I should never leave the house at that time of night because it’s not safe.”