Twelve Across (19 page)

Baby or no baby, having you with me fs so much more than I've ever dreamed of-"

"Please, " she begged. "Please, wait. For me: She pressed ir fist to her heart. " / need to wait to get married. I need to know what's going to happen. If.. if something goes wrong with the baby and you still want me, then I'll marry you. But I wouldn't be comfortable doing it now. If I am pregnant , the next eight-plus months are going to be difficult enough for me. If, on top of that, I have to worry about heving my marriage destroyed.

Her voice droppeqd to an aching whisper. "I don't think I could take that again : ' Garrick closed his eyps against the pain of sudden understanding He dropped his head back, inhaled through flaring nostrils, then righted his head and very slowly opened his eyes. "That's what happened with Richard: ' " Yes, " she whispered. " You mentioned other things-" '" There were. And maybe the marriage would have fallen apart anyway. But the baby-the babies-they were the final straw.

Richard expeqcted me to bear him fine children ' They were part of the image-the wife, the home, the kids The first time it happeneql we called it a fluke. But the second time, after all the waiting and praying and worrying well, there was no hope left for us as a couple: ' "Then he was a bastard, " Garrick growled. "You could have adopted- No, forqet I said that. If you d done it, you probably still be married to him and then I wouldn't have you. I want you, Leah. If the babies come, I'll love it.

If th don't and we decide we want children, we 11 adopt. But can't adopt a child unless we re married: ' Leah closed her eyes. She was feqrling exhausteqd, more so emotionally than physically. "I hadn't planned on qetting Pqqt: '

"Some of the best things happen that way"

"I would rather have waited and had a chance to enjoy you more: You have that chance. Marry me. "

Opening her eyes, Iqeah reached for his hand and slowly carried it to her lips. She kissed each one of his fingers in' turn, then pressed them to her cheek. "I love you so much it hurts, Garrick, but I want to wait.

Please.

If you love me, bear with me. A piece of paper doesn't mean anything to me, as long as I know you're here. But that same piece of paper will put more pressure on me, and if I am pregnant, added pressure is the last thing I'll need: ' Garrick diddt agree with her. He didn't see where their marrying would cause her stress, not given what he d told her about his feelings. But he knew that she believed what she said, and since that was what counted, he had no choice but to accede.

"My offer still stands. If you're not pregnant, will you consider it? "

Feeling a wave of relief, she nodded.

"Md if you are pregnant, if at any time over the next few oqths you change your mind, will you tell mei" qlgain she nodded. "If yqu are pant, I want to take a marnage license out q you're d to deliver. When

that baby comes tqtaming and squalling into the world, it's going to have wait for its first dinner until a judge pronounces us man q a hospital room? " Leah asked with a wobbly smile. e, ma'am: ' in moveq forward into his arms and coiled her own ly around his neck. She loved the thought of that-a husband, a healthy baby.

She didn't dare put much c in it, because she d been let down on the baby part e before, but it was a lovely thought. A very lovely I. OVELY

THOUGHTS HAD A WAY Of falling by. the Way5lde when other thoughts took precedence. That was what happened to Leah once the local doctor confirmed that she was pregnant. Her initial reaction was excitement, and it was shared with, even magnified by Garrick's. Then the fear sey in-and the concern, and the practical matter of how to deal with a new pregnancy after two had gone so awry.

"I'd like to speak to my doctor in New York, " she said one night while she and Garrick Were sitting thigh to thigh. on the cabin steps. It had been a beautiful May day, marred only by Leah's preoccupation. "No problem, " Garrick said easily. "We can drive into town tomorrow to make the call. In fact, I've been thinking I'd like to have a phone installed here: It Was something he d never have dreamed of doing before, but now that Leah was pregnant, concerns lurked behind his optimistic front.

Having a phone would mean that help could be summoned in case of emergency.

Timidly she looked up at him. "I'd like to go back to New York: When he eyed her in alarm, she hurried on. " Just to see John Reiner. " weren't you comfortable with the doctor you saw here? "

"It's not that. It's just that John knows my medical history If anyone can shed some light on what happened before and how to prevent it from happening again, it's him: '

"Couldn't we just have Henderson call him? "

"I'd rather see John in person: ' Gqrrick felt a compression around his heart, but it wasn't qtally new feeling. He d been aware of it a lot lately, paraqlqrly when Leah's eyes clouded and she grew silent. fdw're not thinking of having the baby in New York, are q7 he asked quietly.

"qh, no, " she answered quickly. "But for my peace of indi'd Wee to see John. Just for an initial checkup. He may solble to suggest something that I can do-diet, exercise, qt, vitamins-anything that will enhance the babys Put that way, Garrick could hardly refuse. He wanted the qby as much as Leah did-more, perhaps, because he it new how much it meant to her. Still, he diddt like the idea of her leaving him, even for a few days. He didn't like the tdea of her traveling to New York.

And he couldn't go with her.

"I don't want you driving down, " he said. "You can take a plane from Concord. I'll have Victoria meet you at La Guardia : '

"You won't come? " she asked very softly. She had a feel fng he wouldn't.

Garrick didn't seem to dislike the city as much as he feared it. Even here she would have preferred seqeing a doctor at a hospital, but that would have meant entering a city, and Garrick shunned even the New Hampshire variety He d insisted that she see a local man, though the closest one was a forty minute drive from the cabin. He hadn't even wanted to stop for dinner until they d reached the perimeter of the small area in Which he felt safe.

His eyes focused on the landscape, but his expression was one of torment.

"No, " he Einally said. "I cadt come: ' Nodding, she looked down at her lap. "can't" was something she d have to work on. It was a condition in Garrick's mind and represented a fear that she could understand but not agree with. On the other hand, who was she to argue?

hadn't she been firm in putting off marriage7 Hadn't Garrick disagreed, but understood and conceded?

"I'll have to call to make an appointment, but I'm sure he 11 see me within the next week or so. I can make it a day trip:' That Garrick wouldn't concede to. "That's not wise , I.eah. Lord only knows I don't want you gone overnight, but for you to rush would defeat the purpose. I dort t want anything happening. If you have the pressure of flights and appointments , you'll be running all day. You'll end up tense and exhausted: ' "

"Then I'll sleep when I get back, " she protested. She didn't want to be away from Garrick any longer than was necesq sary. "The baby is fine at this stage. Even the fact that I've been sick is a good sign. Ih.

Henderqon said so. I didn't have any morning sickness with the other two: ' But he was insistent. "Spend the night with Victoria. At least that way I won't worry quite as much: ' SO THE FOLLOWING WEEK she flew to New York, saw John Reiner, then spent the night at Victoria's. It should have been a happy reunion, and in many ways it was. Victoria was overjoyed that Leah and Garrick were in love, and she was beside herself when, promptly upon landing and in part to explain her doctor s appointment, Leah told her about the baby.

But some of the things that the doctor said put a damper on Leah's own excitement. She was feeling a distinct sense of dread when Garrick met her plane back in Concord the next afternoon.

"How do you feel? " he asked, leading her to the car. He d called Victoria s on his newly installed phone the night before and knew that the doctor had pronounced Leah well, : and defiriitely pregnant.

q "Tired. You were right. It was a hassle. Hard to believe I ilqed to live in that... and like it: ' He had a firm arm around her shoulder.

"Come on. llet's get you home: '" She was quiet during most of the drive. With her head qeck and her eyes closed, she was trying to decide the best iqv, y to say what she had to. She didn't find an answer that itiqht, because when they arrived back at the cabin, Garqick presented her with a small table loom and several inqtruction books on how to weave belts and other simple at rips of cloth. She was so touched by his thoughtfulness that she didn't want to do anything to spoil the moment.

fhen, later, he made very careful, very sweet love to her, and she could think of nothing but him.

The next morning, though, she knew she had to talk. It didn't matter that she was dying inside. What matterqd was that their baby, hers and Garrick's, be born alive. "Tell me, love, " Garrick said softly.

Startled, she caught in her breath. She d beqen lying on her back in bed, but at the sound of his voice her head flew around and her eyes met his.

He came up on an elbow. you've beqen awake for an hour. I've been lying here watching you. Something s wrong: '

She moistened her lips, then bent up an arm and shaped her fingers to his jaw. His beard was a brush-soft cushion; she took warmth from it and strength from the jaw beneath "John made a suggestion that I'm not sure you'll like: '

"Oh-oh. He doesn't want us making love: ' She gave a sad little grin and tugged at his beard. "Not that: ' " Then what? "

She took a deep breath. "He thought that it would be better if I stay close to a hospital from the middle of my pregnancy on: ' "

"Stay close: What does that mean? "

"It means live in the city. He gave me the name of a col- j league of his, a man who left New York several years ago to j head the obstetrics department at a hospital in Concord. " I John has total faith in him. He wants him to be in charge of ' the case: '

"I see, " Garrick said. He sank quietly back to the pillow ' and trained his gaze on the rafters. "How do you feel about q it? "

Withdrawing her displaced hand, yet missing the contact, Leah said, "I want what's best for the baby"

"Do yq q want to move to the city? "

"Persoxqally? No: '

"Then don't : ' " it's not as simple as that. My personal feelings come second to what's best for this baby s chances: '

"What, exactly, did your doctor think that his man in Concord would be able to do? "

"Perform certain tests, more sophisticated ones than a local doctor is equipped to do. Closely monitor the condition of the baby. Detect any potential problem before it proves fatal: ' Garrick had to admit, albeit begrudgingly, that that made sense. It was his baby too. He didn't want anything to go wrong. "Didn't they do all that before? "

"Not as well as they can now. Nearly three years have passed. Medical science has advanced in that time: '

"Well, " he said, sighing, "we don't have to make a decision on it now, do we? "

"Not right away, I suppose. But John suggested that I see his man soon.

Thgy ll be in touch on the phone, and John will forward any records he thinks may be of help. Usually. : She hesitated, then pushed on.

"Usually there d be monthly appointments at this stage, but John wants me to be checked every two weeks: ' Garrick shut his eyes tight. '"That means tackling Conqrd every two weeks: '

"Concord isdt so bad: '

He said nothing.

"And besides, we re getting into good weather It's not such a long drive: But she knew that it wasn't the drive, or the weather, or any conflicting time demand that was the problem. " Will you drive me down twice a month? " she asked. She could easiiy drive herself, but she desperately wanted Garrick to be with her.

He didn't answer at first. In fact, he diddt answer at all. Instead he rolled toward her and took her into his arms. She felt the pulsing steel of his strength, smelled the musky, wood scent that was his and his alone, and when their lips met, she tasted his fear and worry.. and love.

Gqgc DID Dqve HETT to Concord twice a month, but he was tense the whole way, and the instant each appointment was done, he quickly tucked her into the car and drove her home. Only on familiar turf was he fully at ease, but even that ease ebbed somewhat as late spring became early summer Outwardly life was wonderful. They shed sweaters and long pants for T-shirts and shorts, and more often than not, when he worked in the clearing around the cabin, Garrick was bare chested. Leah conld have spent entire days just watching him. Sweat poured freely from his body.

The muscles of his upper back and arms rippled with the thrust of a shovel or the swing of an ax. His skin turned a rugged bronze, while the sandy hue of his hair lightened. He was positively gorgeous and she told him so, which, to her surprise and delight, brought a deeper shade of red to his cheeks.

He put in his garden and spent long hours cultivating it. During those times Leah sat near him, either watching, weaving, basking in the sun or working on puzzles. She was regularly shipping parcels off to New York, and the fact that there was now a phone at the cabin facilitated communications with her editor. The queasiness and fatigue that had initially slowed her down had passed by the end of June; come July, she was feeling fine and beginning to show.

They were as deeply in love as ever. Leah made a point of protesting when Garrick doted on her, but she drank in his attention and affection.

In turn, she did whatever she could to make his days special, but she had a selfish motive , as well. The busier she was, the more dedicated to his happiness, the less she thought about the child growing inside her.

She didn't want to think about it. She was frightened to pin hopes and dreams on something that might never be. In mid-july she underwent amniocentesis, and though she was relieved to learn that, at that point at least, the baby was healthy, she didn't want to know its sex.

Neither did Garrick. There were times when he was working the soil or whittling or listening to Leah's music when his mind would wander. At those odd moments he had mixed feelings about the baby. Oh, he wanted it; but he resented it, too, for in his gut he knew Leah was going to leave. She didn't say so. They deliberately avoided discussion of what was to come in August, when she reached the midway point of her pregnancy. But he knew what she was thinking when her eyes lowered and her brow furrowed, and he dreaded the day when she d finally broach the subject.