Twelve Across (20 page)

More than anything he would have liked to stop time. He'd have Leah.

He'd have the baby thriving inside her. He d have the bright summer sunshine, the good, rich earth, the endless bounty of the mountain. He didn't want things to change; he liked them as they were. He felt safe and seqcure, productive and well loved.

But he couldn't stop time. The heat of each day turned to the chill of evening. The sun set; darkness fell. "The baby inside Leah grew until her abdomen was as round as the cabbage he'd planted in the garden. And when Leah approached him in the middle of August, he knew that his time of total satisfaction was over.

"We have to talk, " she said, sitting down beside him on the porch swing he'd hung. She d gone inside for a sweater to ward off the cool night air; it was draped over the T shirt-Garrick's T-shirt-that covered the qentle bubble of her stomach.

"I know: '

"Dr. Walsh wants me closer to the hospital : ' He nodded.

"Will you come? "

Looking off toward the woods, Garrick took a deep breath. When he spoke, his voice was gritty. "I can't: '

"You can if you want : '

"I can't: '

"Why not? "

"Because this is my home. I can't live in the city again: '

"You can if you want : '

"No : '

"I'm not asking you to move there for good. It would be for four months at most. Dr. Walsh is planning to take the baby by seqction in the middle of December. "

Garrick swallowed. "I'll be with you then: '

"But I want you with me now: '

He looked at her sharply. "I can't, L.eah. I just can't: '

Leah was trying to be understanding, but she had little to work with.

"Please. Tell me why"

He bolted up from the swing, and in a single stride was leaning against the porch railing with his tiack to her. "There s too much to do here.

Fall is my busy time. Trapping season opens at the end of October. There s a whole lot to do before then: ' " You could live with me part-time in Concord. It'd be better than nothing: '

"I don't see why you have to live in Concord. I drive. The Cherokee is dependable. If there s a problem, I could have you at the hospital in no time: '

"Garrick, it takes two hours to get there. Both times before , things went wrong after I'd gone into labor. Those two hours could be critical

: '

"We have a phone. We could call an ambulance... or... or call for a police escort if there s a need: ' ' Ambulance attendants don't have the know-how to handle problem deliveries. Neither do police: '

"Okay " he said, turning to face her. "Then we can go to Concord in November. Why September? "

"Dr. Walsh wanted August, but I put him off: '

"Put him off for another few months: ' Tugging the sweater closer around her, Leah studied the planked floor of the porch. "Do you want this baby, Garr ;ck? "

"That's a foolish question. You know I do: '

"Do you love me? "

"Of course!"

She looked up. "Then why can't you do this for me-for the baby-for all three of us? "

With a low growl of frustration, he turned away again. "You don't understand: '

"I think I do, " she cried, pushing off from the swing and to ming up to where he stood. "I think you're frightened of people, of the city of being recognized. But that's ridictqlous , Garrickl you've made a good life for yourself. You have nothing to be ashamed of: '

"Wrong. I spent seventeen years of my life behaving like a jackass: '

"But you paid the price, and you've rebuilt your life. So what if someone recognizes you? Are you ashamed of who you are now? "

The pale light of the moon glittered off the flaring silver flecks in his eyes. "No!"

"Why caqft you go out there and hold your head high? "

"It's got nothing to do with pride. What I have now is much finer than anything I had then. You're much finer than any woman I knew then: ' "

What is it, then? What is it that makes you nervous each and every time we approach civilization? I've seen it, Garrick '. Your shoulders get tense.

You keep your head down. You avoid making eye contact with strangers.

You refuse to go into restaurants. You want to get out of wherever we are as quickly as possible: '

"It both en you not going out on the town? "

"Of course nott What bothers me is that you're uncomfortable I love you.

I'm proud of you. It hurts me to see you slinking around corners as though there s-" she faltered , searching for an analogy "-as though there s a trap set around the next one: '

"I know all about traps. Sometimes you don't see them until you're good and caught : ' hen there s the case of the coyote, who won't be caught in the same place twice: ' " The coyote s an animal. I'm human: '

"That's right. you're smart and fine and strong-"

"Strong? Not quite: He turned to face her. The faint glow spilling from inside the cabin side-lit his features, adding to the harshness of his expression. " What I had for seventeen years was a disease, Lqah. It was an addiction. And the one thing a former addict doesn't do is to let the forbidden. be waved before his nose. I won't go into restaurants with bars because I'd have to walk by all those bottles to get to a seat. I won't look people in the eye because if they were to recognize me I'd see their star lust. I doii t watch television. I don't go to movies.

And the last thing I wanted when you came here was heavy sex: He snorted. "Guess I blew it on that one: ' " You don't trust yourself, "

she said, at last comprehending the extent of his fear.

"Damn right, I don't. When you first showed up, I thought you were a reporter. I wanted to get rid of you as soon as possible, and you want to know why7 IF a reporter -especially a pretty one-were to interview me, I'q feel pretty important. And then I'd get to thinking that I'd done my penance for screwing up once, and maybe I should try for the big time again : '

"But you don't want that anymore: '

"When I'm here I don't. When I'm thinking rationally, I don't. But I spent a good many years thinking irrationally. Who s to say that I wouldn't start doing it again? "

"You wouldn't. Not after all you've been through. "

"That's what I tell myself, " he said in a weary tone, "but it's not a hundred percent convincing: He thrust a handful of fingers through his hair, which fell back to his forehead anyway. " I don't know how I'd react face to face with temptation:

She slipped her hand under the sleeve of his T shirt to his shoulder.

"don't you think it's time you tried7 You can't go through the rest of your life living under a shadow: q She gave him a Iittle shake. "you've been happy here. You feel good about your life. Wouldn't it be nice to prove to your , qelf, once and for all, that you have the strength that.l know you have? "

"You love me. You see me through rose-colored glasses: ' Leah's hand fell away as she tamped down a spurt of anger' My glasses are un tinted thank you, and even if they weren't, that's a lousy thing to say.

Yes, I love you. But I've been through love once before, and I'm a realist.

I entered this relationship with my eyes wide open "you're nearsighted:

'

"Not where feelings and emotions are concerned. Oh, I can see your faults.

We all have them, Garrick. That's what being human is about. But you took on your weaknesses once before and came out a winner. Why can't you take on this last one? "

"Because I might fail, damn it! I might face temptation and succumb, and where would that leave me, or you, or the baby? "

"It won't happen, " she declared quietly.

"Is that an ironclad guarantee? "

"Life doesn't come with guarantees: '

"Right: '

"But you have so much more going for you now than you had before, " she argued. "You have the life you've made, and it's one you love. And you have me. I would ri t sit idly back and watch you fall into a pattern of self-destruction. I don't want that other life any more than you do. And I don't want you hurt. I love you, Garrick. doesn't that mean anything?

"

He bowed his head and, in the shadows, groped blindly for her hand. "It means more than you could ever imagine, " he said hoarsely, weaving his fingers through hers, holding them tightly.

"Come with me, " she pleaded. "I know it's asking a lot, because it cuts into the trapping season, but you don't need the money. You said so yourself.

And these are extenuating circumstances. It wodt happen every year. It may never happen again: '

"God, Leah.. : '

"I need you: '

"Maybe you need something I don't have to give: '

"But you're a survivor. Look at what you ve been through. It isn't every man who can land in a canyon, half broken in body and more than that in spirit, and rise again to be the kind of person who can-" again she floundered for words "-can take in a bedraggled mess of mud from your doorstep half suspecting that she was planning to stab you in the back with a poison pen story. "

He made a noise that, in other circumstances and with a stretch of the imagination, might have been a laugh. "You were a little pathetic: '

"The point is, " she went on, "that your hearys in the right place. You want the best-for you, for me, for the baby You can do anything you set your mind to. You can give anything you want: ' Closing his eyes, Garrick put a hand to the tense muscles at the back of his neck. He dropped his head to the side, then slowly eased it back and around.

"Ahhh, Leah. You make it sound so simple. Perhaps I could do it if I had you by my side every minute, whispering in my ear like a jiminy Cricket.

But I can't do that. I wodt. I need to stand on my own two feet. Here I can do it: '

"You asked me to marry you. Are you saying that we'd never take a vacation, never go somewhere different? "

"If it bores you to be here-"

fit doesn't, and you know it! But everyone needs a change q;ciqqscenery sometimes. Suppose, just suppose this baby

"

" It will live, " he barked. " See, you can be optimistic, because you haven't been through the hell I have once, let alone twice. But I'm willjqsg to try again-" ' ," It happened. We didn't plan it: ' q "I could have had an abortion: "

"You re not that kind of person : ' " just as you're not the kind of person who gave up on life when you came to in that hospital. You could have, y know.

You could have gone right back to drinking and taking ' tqvhatever else you were taking, but you diddt. You were willing to make a stab at a new life.

Some people would ri t have the courage to do that, but you did. All I'm asking now is that you take it one step further. " She gave a frustrated shake of her head. " But that wasn't what I wanted to say. I wanted to say that if the baby lives, and grows and gets more active and demanding, there may be times when I'll want to go off with my husband somewhere, alone, just the two of us. Maybe to somewhere warm in winter, or somewhere cool in summer. Or maybe I'll want to go somewhere adventurous-like Madrid or Peking or Cairo. It would have nothing to do with being bored here, or not loving our child, but simply a desire to learn about other things and places. Would you refuse? "

He was silent for a minute. "I haven't thought that far. "

"Maybe you should: ' He eyed her levelly. "Before I mention marriage again? " '"That's right :"

"Are you issuing an ultimatum, I.eah? "

She turned her head aside in disgust. "An ultimatum?

Me? I've used the word dozens of times in puzzles, but I wouldn't know how to apply it in real life if I had to: Removing her glasses, she rubbed the bridge of her nose. "No ultimatum, " she murmured. "Just something to think about, I guess: ' When she didn't raise her head, Garrick did it for her. The tears that had gathered in her eyes wrenched his insides, but he saitq what he had to say.

"I love you, Leah. That won't change, whether you're here or in Concord.

But I can't go with you. Not now. Not yet. There are still too many things I have to work out in my mind. I want to marry you, and that won't change, either, but maybe it would be good if we were separated for a time. If you're in Concord, under Walsh's eye, I'll know you're well cared for. While you're there, you'1l be able to think about whether I am the kind of man you want. Except for two days, we've been together constantly for nearly five months. If it were fifty months or years, I'd still feel the same about you.

But you have to accept me for what I am. Baby or no baby, you have a right to happiness. If my shortcomings are going to prevent that down the road, then... maybe you should do some rethinking : '

Leah didn't know what to say, which was just as well, because her throat was so clogged she wouldn't have been able to utter a word. There were things she wanted to say, but she d already said them, and they hadn't done much toward changing Garrick's mind. She d never been one to nag or harp, and she refused to resort to that now. So she simply closed her eyes and let herself be enfolded in his arms , where she etched everything she loved about him into memory for the lonely period ahead.

SHE LET T THE NEXT DAY while Garrick was out on the mountain It didn't take her long to pack, since she had a limited supply of maternity clothes. The things she wanted most qre her resource books, her music and her loom, and these ahe carried to the car in separate trips. She worked as quickly as she could, pausing at the end to leave a short note.

"Dear Garrick, " she wrote, "We all have our moments of sowardice, and I guess this is mine. I'm on my way to Concord I'll call you tonight to let you know where I'll be stayqctg Please don't be angry. It's not that I'm choosing the baby (C)ver you, but that I want you both. You've said that you'll love me no matter where I am, and I'm counting on iq hat because I feel the same.

But I want a chance to love a child uf ours, and I want you to have that chance, too. That's why I have to go: She signed it simply, " Leah: '

THOUGH SHE DIDN'T HAVE an appointment set up for that particular day, Gregory Walsh saw her shortly after she arrived "aren't you feeling well? " he asked as soon as she was seated.