Troubles and Treats (23 page)

We pull apart, righting our clothes and fixing our hair.

“Now that I’m thoroughly disgusted, tell me what the deal with the Chinese finger
trap is,” Carter says as he starts collecting all of the answer cards into one big
pile.

“Oh, it’s just this thing we do every once in a while,” Drew explains as he leans
down to grab his drink from the table and take a sip.  “I put it on my penis and Jenny
tries to take it off without using her hands.  It gets a little dicey there every
once in a while and I’ve gotten some killer paper cuts on my taint, but she gets it
off every single time.”

Carter starts howling with laughter and pointing at Drew.  “Dude, do you have a teeny
tiny weenie?!  Those things aren’t any bigger than my pinkie finger!”

Everyone joins in on the laughter, and I pat Drew’s back in sympathy.

“FUCK YOU!  THEY COME IN DIFFERENT SIZES!” Drew yells at them.

“Yeah, needle dick and pinky peen!” Jim says with a laugh.

“Jenny, baby, tell them I don’t have a small penis,” Drew wails.

“Oh, he totally doesn’t.  I get cock jaw when I give him blow jobs,” I tell them.

“Don’t you mean
lock
jaw?” Liz asks.

“No,
cock
jaw.  When you’re giving a blow job and you have to open your mouth so wide your
jaw cocks,” I explain to them.

“You cock a gun, you don’t cock your jaw,” Claire laughs.

“You don’t
lock
your jaw either!  Who the hell has a lock on their cheek?  That’s just stupid.  Drew
has a big penis. That is a fact.”

Jim shakes his head and smacks Carter in the arm.  “You had to ask the story behind
the Chinese finger trap.  Now my wife is going to have nightmares tonight about those
things and jaws with pad locks stuck through them.”

“And my giant penis.  Don’t forget my giant penis,” Drew says, looking over at me
and beaming proudly.

“Am I dreaming?  Somebody pinch me!” Drew exclaims as we walk through the
doors of the local strip club,
Bare Naked Ladies
.  “It’s been, one week since you cooked for me.  Rocked your head to the side and
said I’m hungry.”

Drew’s off-key singing makes everyone groan and tell him to shut up.  He’s been singing
that song the whole way to the strip club.

“For the love of all that is holy, stop singing that fucking song!  Especially if
you don’t know the words,” Jim tells him as we all stand in the doorway.

I don’t remember exactly whose idea it was to go to a strip club.  After the game,
we all had started doing shots and everything got really funny.  When someone suggested
a strip club, we thought it sounded hilarious.  So we had called for a taxi, piled
in, and had it take us into town.

“Oh my God, why is the floor sticky?” Liz asks with a disgusted look on her face as
she gently picks her foot up and looks at the bottom of her shoe.

“Do you really want me to answer that?” Jim asks her as he throws his arm over her
shoulder and they lead the way into the club.

Drew and I have been to plenty of strip club’s before so this is old news to us. It’s
been a really long time since we’ve been to one though.  Just seeing the flashing,
colorful lights and hearing the loud music brings back so many good memories, and
it makes me sad that things between us have been so strainered lately.

As soon as I have that thought though, I feel Drew’s hand slide into my own and we
lace our fingers together, following behind Jim and Liz as they find a table close
to the stage and we all take seats.

We won the game!  We really do know each other, and I’m starting to forget all of
the reasons why I haven’t been in the mood for dirty sex lately.  Even though he can
act like a big child most of the time, he loves me and he takes good care of me.

“Drew, Jenny!  Oh my gosh!  I haven’t seen you guys in ages!”

We turn and see Candy, the server whose section we always used to sit in when we would
come here.

“Candy!  We were hoping you’d be here tonight,” Drew tells her as she gives me a quick
hug.  “I wore your favorite shirt just in case.”

Drew turns and holds his shirt out for her so she's a picture of a woman upside down
on a stripper pole with the words: I support single moms.

He had made the taxi driver run by our house on the way to the club just so he could
change.

Drew makes introductions and when everyone else orders beers, Drew and I look at each
other and then at them.

“Oh no.  You aren’t drinking just beer at a strip club.  Shots only, folks!” Drew
tells them before giving Candy an order for six Little Beers.

“It’s okay, you guys can look at the chick dancing on the stage.  You won’t go blind
or anything,” I tell Liz and Claire with a laugh.

Ever since we sa
t down they have looked everywhere but at the topless woman gyrating on the pole four
feet in front of them.

It feels good to finally know more about something than my friends.

Claire is the first to turn and look and Carter rubs his hand in soothing circles
on her back. 

“I really should be a lot drunker for this right now,” she mutters.

As soon as she says that, Candy is back with the shots we ordered, along with another
round of shots and six dark beers that she sets in front of each of us.

“You two look like you could use a little more alcohol to get through this night,”
she says to Liz and Claire with a smile.  “The Little Beers are the ones on the left
and to your right is everything you need for an Irish Car Bomb.  Drop that shot glass
with the amber liquid into the beer and immediately start chugging.  Enjoy!”

Candy walks away and we all pick up our Little Beers.

“What the hell are in these?” Jim asks.

“It’s called Liquor 43 with a splash of cream on top to make it look like foam,” Drew
tells them.

“It looks like jizz,” Carter says, bringing the shot to his nose and sniffing it.

“Don’t worry. It doesn’t taste like jizz.  It’s sweeter,” I tell him.  “Well, except
for that one time we went to a bulk candy store and Drew ate two pounds of gummy worms. 
It tasted like cherry-lime then.”

Drew grabs the seat of my chair and pulls it closer to his so he can put his arm on
the back of my chair.

“Remember we played that fishing game with the gummy worms?  We used my old fishing
line from when I was little that we found in the basement, and I tied the worm to
the end and shoved it-”

“No!  Please God, no,” Claire says as she puts her hand up to stop Drew from going
any further.  “Hurry up and make a fucking toast before I puke on this table.”

We all raise our arms in the air and Drew clears his throat.

“To naked chicks on poles and putting our poles into naked chicks!”

Claire and Liz let out disgusted sounds before we all do our shots.

We immediately follow them up with the Irish Car bombs and then order two more rounds
of car bombs right after since everyone loves them.

Fifteen minutes later we are all beyond buzzed and Claire and Liz are finally enjoying
their environment.

“Oooooh, she’s pretty.  I wonder if her boobs are real,” Claire says, pointing to
a blonde that just got off of the stage.  “Excuse me, can I touch your boobs?”

Carter clutches on to the front of Drew’s t-shirt and stares as Claire calls the blonde
stripper over, and she immediately agrees to let Claire touch her boobs.

“If this is a dream, never, ever wake me up,” Carter mumbles as he watches wide eyed
while Claire cups the girl’s boobs.

“Welcome to the dark side, my friend,” Drew says, clapping him on the back.

Liz suddenly gets up from her chair, walks around the table, and straddles my lap,
resting her elbows on my shoulders and pushing her boobs into my face.

“I’m really drunk,” Liz tells me.

“I know, honey,” I reply with a laugh as I wrap my arms around her and pat her back.

“I think I should give you a lap dance,” she says as if she’s discussing painting
her nails.

“Yes, yes you should.  What a super idea!” Jim says, pulling his chair around the
table and sitting right next to us.

“Okay.  I’m gonna do it.  Don’t ask me to have sex with you though, Jenny.  Even though
this is gonna be awesome, I like penis,” Liz informs me.

“I will try to remain myself,” I tell her as she gets up from my lap, pushes my knees
apart, and turns around.

“It’s re
fry
.  You will try to re
fry
yourself from sexing me,” Liz says over her shoulder.

I smack her ass as hard as I can.  “Shut your mouth and dance for me, bitch!”

Liz immediately starts moving her hips and lowers her ass to my lap, moving with the
music.  Even though I’m drunk, she’s REALLY drunk and unsteady on her feet.  When
she starts moving faster, she begins to tip over to one side.  I quickly reach up
and grab onto her hips to steady her and bring her back down to my lap so she doesn’t
fall on her face.

“This is the best day ever,” Jim says dreamily from his chair as he watches us with
his chin in his hands and his elbows on the table.

Liz puts her legs on either side of mine and bends completely forward until her head
is almost touching the floor and continues to move her hips.

It’s a bit strange since her legs are slightly bent and she kind of looks like a female
dog backing into a male dog to mate.  Her ass keeps bumping into my stomach, and it’s
really hard not to laugh.

“This is starting to get awkward and not hot,” Jim says as Liz sits back up and starts
Voguing to the music, her arms flying in every direction, forcing Drew to jerk backwards
in his chair so he doesn’t get smacked in the face.

The Vogue turns into the Y.M.C.A. and at this point, Liz has forgotten about the lower
half of her body and is just sitting on my lap leaning against my chest, continuing
to form the letters with her arms.

“Lap dancing is exhausting,” Liz says with a sigh.

“It’s also no longer a turn on,” Jim mutters.

“Wow, that girl was so nice!” Claire says as she turns back around to face our table. 
“Her name is Aubrey and she just graduated from college with a major in journalism. 
She bought her first house all by herself last week and her boobs are totally real
and she gave me a recipe for her grandmother’s famous sugar cookies.”

Carter shakes his head and sighs.  “You have just ruined the magic of strip clubs.”

“What are you talking about?  I totally touched her boobs!” Claire argues.

“Let me explain how this works here, Claire,” Drew explains.  “That girl right there
who you just fondled, we already imagined that her name was Star and she was just
working here part time to save enough money to go to another country to learn how
to be a bendy contortionist.  At night, she goes home to her one bedroom apartment
that she shares with two other equally hot girls, and before they go to bed each night,
they have naked pillow fights.  Now, that illusion is ruined.  She’s not hot anymore. 
She’s a smart chick who knows how to read and write.  Where’s the fun in that?”

Liz is still on my lap, and I tap her shoulder to get her to move because my legs
are starting to fall asleep.

“Hey, Liz.  Get up, I need to pee,” I tell her.

“Um, I think she’s asleep,” Carter says.

Right then, her head falls back onto my shoulder, and I can hear her lightly snoring.

“Well, I guess that’s it for us,” Jim says, scooping Liz up in his arms.  “You guys
coming?  I’m going to go outside and call a cab.”

Carter grabs Claire’s hand and helps her up from the table and they all turn and look
at me and Drew.

“Yeah, we’re right behind you,” Drew tells them as he starts to get up.

I know for a fact he doesn’t want to leave right now.  We’ve never left the strip
club this early.  He’s only doing it for me because he assumes I’m going to want to
leave and go home to bed, which I would have absolutely done a week ago.  But now? 
He has reminded me this week about all of the reasons I fell in love with him.  I
don’t know how he finally figured out what I needed from him, but he did.  And he
doesn’t hesitate to do all of those things.  There is no way I can just NOT do something
for him that I know he needs.

I grab his hand and pull him back down to his seat next to me.

“That’s okay, guys. We’re going to stick around here.  We’ll just call our own cab.”

Everyone leaves and Drew and I are alone at the table, our hands still clutched together,
resting on top of Drew’s thigh.

“You really want to stay?  Are you sure?” he asks.

I lean forward and run my tongue along his top lip, letting go of his hand and sliding
my hand up his thigh until I reach the bulge in his jeans.  He immediately grabs the
back of my head and deepens the kiss.  Our tongues swirl around each other, and I
can feel him growing hard beneath my hand.

I’ve missed this so much.  I’ve missed
wanting
him like this.  I’ve missed kissing him and thinking only about kissing him instead
of folding clothes, orders at work, and whether or not I paid the cable bill.  What
the hell was I thinking when I told him I wanted normal sex?  I suddenly really want
to try out that thing we talked about last year with a bowl of mashed potatoes and
a ride-on lawn mower.

Drew breaks off the kiss and pulls back to look into my eyes.

“I love you, baby.  I know I haven’t said that in a while and I’m sorry.  I’m going
to do better,” he tells me.

“Oh, Drew!  You don’t need to do any better.  I love you too.  I’ve just been so tired,
and I should have said something sooner.  I’m so sorry things got so crazy,” I tell
him.

“No, I’m the one who is sorry.  You have nothing to apologize for.  I should have
realized sooner that you needed more help, but you know I’m an idiot when it comes
to stuff like that.  If you don’t write it down and staple it to my dick, I’m going
to be clueless,” he explains.

“I would never staple anything to your dick. I love it too much!” I tell him with
a smile.

“Speaking of my dick-”

“Yes!  We are totally having lots of sex tonight,” I interrupt him excitedly.

“No, that’s not what I was getting at, but it’s good to know,” he says with a smile. 
“What I mean is, if you just want vanilla sex, then vanilla sex is what I will give
you.  I don’t care if we never use those bungee cords or the box of saltine crackers
again.  I don’t care if we never see Officer O’Connor again because he won’t be knocking
on our door to tell us there’s been a noise complaint.  I don’t even care if the diamond
studded dog collar and French maid outfit that fits me like a glove has to go back
to the store.  I don’t care about anything but being with you, whatever way I can,
anyway that you’ll have me.”