William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return

Copyright © 2014 by Lucasfilm Ltd. & TM. All rights reserved.

Used under authorization.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Number: 2013945949

eBook ISBN: 978-1-59474-714-4
Hardcover ISBN: 978-1-59474-713-7

Text by Ian Doescher
Illustrations by Nicolas Delort
Hardcover Production management by John J. McGurk

Quirk Books
215 Church Street
Philadelphia, PA 19106
quirkbooks.com

v3.1

FOR BOB, MY DAD, WHO NE’ER CUT OFF MY HAND.

FOR BETH, MY MOM, WHO NEVER WED MY UNCLE.

AND FOR MY BROTHER ERIK, WHO NE’ER TRIED

(AS LEIA DID) TO KISS A BROTHER’S LIPS.

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Afterword

Acknowledgments

About the Authors

CHORUS

LUKE SKYWALKER,
a Jedi trainee

GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI,
a Jedi Knight

YODA,
a Jedi Master

PRINCESS LEIA ORGANA,
of Alderaan

HAN SOLO,
a rebel captain

CHEWBACCA,
his Wookiee and first mate

C-3PO,
a droid

R2-D2,
his companion

LANDO OF CALRISSIAN,
a scoundrel

MON MOTHMA,
leader of the Rebel Alliance

ACKBAR AND MADINE,
rebel leaders

WEDGE ANTILLES,
a rebel pilot

NIEN NUNB,
a rebel pilot

EMPEROR PALPATINE,
ruler of the Empire

DARTH VADER,
a Sith Lord

JERJERROD
and
PIETT,
gentlemen of the Empire

JABBA OF THE HUTT,
a gangster

BIB FORTUNA,
Jabba’s man

SALACIOUS CRUMB,
Jabba’s fool

BOBA FETT,
a bounty hunter

THE MAX REBO BAND,
Jabba’s palace musicians

EV-9D9,
a droid in Jabba’s service

RANCOR,
a monster in Jabba’s service

THE RANCOR KEEPER,
its owner

REBEL PILOTS, TROOPS, EWOKS, GAMORREAN GUARDS, JABBA’S COURTIERS, BOUNTY HUNTERS, IMPERIAL TROOPS, SCOUTS, OFFICERS, COMMANDERS, CONTROLLERS, GUARDS, ROYAL GUARDS,
and
SOLDIERS

O join us, friends and mortals, on the scene—

Another chapter of our cosmic tale.

Luke Skywalker returns to Tatooine,

To save his friend Han Solo from his jail

Within the grasp of Jabba of the Hutt.

But while Luke doth the timely rescue scheme,

The vile Galactic Empire now hath cut

New plans for a space station with a beam

More awful than the first fear’d Death Star’s blast.

This weapon ultimate shall, when complete,

Mean doom for those within the rebel cast

Who fight to earn the taste of freedom sweet.

In time so long ago begins our play,

In hope-fill’d galaxy far, far away.

Cease to persuade, my grov’ling Jerjerrod,

Long-winded Moffs have ever sniv’ling wits.

’Tis plain to me thy progress falls behind

And lacks the needed motivation. Thus,

I have arriv’d to set thy schedule right.

Aye, we are honor’d by your presence, Lord.

To have you here is unexpected joy.

Thou mayst dispense with ev’ry pleasantry.

Thy fawning words no int’rest hold for me.

So cease thy prating over my arrival

And tell me how thou shalt correct thy faults.

I tell thee truly, Lord, my men do work

As quickly as each one is capable—

No more is possible for them to do.

Mayhap I shall find new, creative ways

To motivate them.

—Lord, I’ll warrant that

The station shall be operational

Within the date and time that have been set.

Upon my honor I may make such claim.

The Emperor, however, doth not share

Thine optimistic attitude thereon.

But, Lord, he doth expect th’impossible!

I need more bodies to fulfill this task.

If I had but a hundred able souls

To work alongside those already here,

’Twould be far simpler to complete the work

And make this Death Star ready when ’tis due.

Thou wilt have opportunity to ask

The Emp’ror for these further workers, for

He shall arrive upon the Death Star soon.

[
aside:
] O news that fills my heart with utter dread!

[
To Darth Vader:
] The Emperor himself shall come here?

—Aye.

Displeasèd is he with thy thorough lack

Of progress on this station incomplete.

Our efforts shall be doubled instantly!

I do hope so, Commander, for thy sake—

The Emperor is known for being less

Forgiving than myself. Pray, is that clear?

It is, Lord Vader, perfectly. Thy words

I hear and shall obey. With gratitude

I praise thee for thine honesty herein.

[Exit Moff Jerjerrod.

The scene is set for this, the final act.

I shall destroy the rebels, one and all,

And turn young Luke, my son, unto the dark.

It is the role I play, my destiny—

The grand performance for which I am made.

Come, author of the dark side of the Force,

Make me the servant of thy quill and write

The tale wherein my son and I are seal’d

As one. Come, take mine ev’ry doubt from me,

And fashion from my heart of flesh and wires

A perfect actor: callous, cold, and harsh.

Let this, the second Death Star, be the stage,

And all the galaxy be setting to

The greatest moment of my narrative:

The scene in which the Empire’s fight is won

Whilst I decide the Fate of mine own son.

[Exit Darth Vader.

Again, R2, we are on Tatooine.

I would not e’er have ventur’d to return

Unto this place most desolate and wild,

Except that Master Luke hath sent us here

Upon an errand. Yet I know not what

Our message is, but only that I should

To Jabba of the Hutt deliver it.

O place most barren—I have miss’d thee not.

Beep, squeak?

—Indeed I am afraid, R2,

And so shouldst thou be, too, for Lando of

Calrissian and brave Chewbacca ne’er

Return’d from here.

—Beep, whistle, squeak.

—Be not

So certain, R2, for if thou didst know

But half of all that I have heard about

This Jabba of the Hutt—his cruelty, how

He tortures innocents, and all the beasts