Troubles and Treats (25 page)

“Well, Claire, technically this is part of tonight’s lesson.  Erroneous Zones and
how they can make sex hotter,” Jenny explains as she takes the pointer out of my hand
and sets it back on the table.

“Is anyone else weirded out by the fact that Drew and Jenny are teachers?” we hear
Jim ask the rest of our friends.

“If they were teaching children, yes.  But let’s be honest here. This is the absolute
best subject for them to teach,” Liz answers with a smile in our direction.

“Just tell me we aren’t going to be watching any of your home movies,” Claire begs.

“I don’t know. I’d kind of like to see those,” Carter says with a shrug.

“Oh, we’ve already seen their home movie.  It’s a finalist over at Youporn’s 'Home
Movie of the Year Awards',” one of the guys on the opposite side of the room says. 
“We Googled you when we signed up for the class.  Using the pumpkin and the ice cream
scoop was genius, by the way.”

My smile is bigger than ever after hearing those words.

“Honey, you can Google us!” I tell Jenny, leaning in to kiss the top of her head.

“Alright, fine.  We Googled you too,” Liz admits.

“Yeah, so did we,” Claire adds.

“And aside from having to see Drew’s hairy ass, it was pretty hot,” Jim states.

“It was disturbing-hot and I felt a little dirty after watching it, and I’m not sure
I can ever look you guys in the eye ever again, but yeah, pretty hot,” Carter admits.

“Alright, let’s bring this class to order!” Jenny shouts excitedly.  “First, we’re
going to discuss items that should never be placed in a vagina unless you are wearing
safety goggles and have a pair of needle nose pliers on hand.”

I wrap my arm around Jenny’s shoulders as she begins the first part of the lesson,
holding up items one at a time from the table and giving explanations on where they
can be safely inserted without the use of medical assistance or antibiotics.

While she talks, I glance over at our friends that had decided to sign up for our
class even though they didn’t know we were teaching it.  No matter how perfect you
think someone else’s marriage is, this just goes to show you we can all use a little
spark and a little fun in the bedroom to make life more interesting.  I couldn’t be
happier that our best friends are here with us tonight.  It just makes me realize
how great my life really is.

Veronica and Billy are happy and healthy, and our best friends are the greatest people
ever.  I’m beyond glad we’ve remained friends and raised families with each other. 
Oh, and I can’t forget our new best friend, Jackson, that we brought into the circle
of trust.  My fears of him trying
to steal my wife are long gone ever since
the day he brought his significant other over to our house for dinner.  Dave is two
years older than him and lives one street over from us.  My only worry now is that
Jackson and Dave might want me to have a threesome.  I’d be honored and shit because,
come on, I’m fucking hot as balls and of course they’d want me, but any more than
one penis in a bed is too many, and I would have to sadly decline.  Luckily, they
haven’t asked yet, so I don’t have to worry about the awkwardness.

I had never thought that night seven years ago when Carter and I went to our new friend
Jim’s house for dinner I would meet my soul mate over a plate of lasagna and a discussion
on vibrators.  Jenny and I…well, I never had a doubt we were meant to be together. 
She’s my best friend and the best mother and wife there is.  No marriage is perfect,
but ours is damn near close.  And even though we’ve had some troubles, fixing them
has been sweeter than any candy I’ve ever eaten.

Well, except for Vagina Skittles.
Vagina Skittles are delicious.

Six months later.

“This is Matt with Channel 3 News, coming to you live from the store that started
it all, Seduction and Snacks.  Seduction and Snacks has grown far beyond the little
corner business that two best friends decided to open together almost eight years
ago.  With the combination of delicious chocolates, cookies, and sex toys, Seduction
and Snacks is the perfect store to satisfy your sweet tooth or your bedroom cravings. 
We’re here today to speak to the women who came up with this idea, as well as their
friends and family who have supported them along the way.  Welcome, everyone!”

Seated in a straight line are all three couples: Carter and Claire, Liz and Jim, and
Drew and Jenny.  Sitting on the floor by their feet are each of the couple’s respective
children: Gavin and
Sophia
, Charlotte, Molly, and Ava, and
Veronica
and Billy.

“Claire, did you ever think that the store you had always dreamed about owning would
one day turn into a household name and that you would have locations all over the
United States?”

Claire laughs and shakes her head in disbelief while Carter reaches over and covers
the hand resting on her thigh with his own.

“This is far beyond my hopes and dreams.  Opening just
this
store by itself was something I never thought would happen.  And then to have it take
off like it did and to be able to franchise it?  I still can’t even wrap my head around
it,” Claire states.

“I know you’ve done several interviews about how you and your husband met, and every
time I hear that story, it still makes me smile.  How are the two of you handling
the success along with raising a family?”

Carter lifts Claire’s hand to his lips and places a soft kiss on her fingers.  Claire
stares happily into his eyes before finally turning back to the camera.

“We’re handling it together, one day at a time.  Having the support of such amazing
friends and family makes things a lot easier,” Claire states.

“And we really are pretty amazing,” their friend Drew chimes in from down the row. 
“Well, except for that punk sitting down there surrounded by little girls.”

Drew laughs and points at ten-year-old Gavin, who gives him a dirty look.

“Shut up or I will cut your mother,” Gavin tells him.

“You don’t talk about Eileen Parrit!  Eileen Parrit is a saint!” Drew argues.

“So, Liz, did you ever think there would be such a high demand for a store that sells
sex toys?”

Jim leans over and places a kiss on Liz’s cheek, and she smiles at the camera.

“As long as there are people having sex, there will always be a need for sex toys,”
Liz tells us.

“What’s ‘having sex’?” Liz and Jim’s five-year-old, Ava, asks.

“It’s gross.  And people yell like they are in pain.  I think it has something to
do with killing each other,” Gavin tells her.

“Ooooh, that’s scary.  I’m never having the sex,” Ava replies as she goes back to
playing with one of the toys her parents brought for her.

“Why do they only pay attention when we’re talking about something they shouldn’t
hear?” Jim whispers to Liz.

“Because children are assholes,” Drew whispers back.

“I heard that,” Gavin replies without even turning around.

“Good, because you’re the biggest asshole!” Drew whispers loudly.

“Will you stop calling my son an asshole?!” Claire scolds Drew.

Drew immediately bows his head in remorse when Claire gives him a dirty look.

“Oooooh, you just got schooled by my mommy,” Gavin taunts with a laugh.

Carter quickly leans forward and clamps a hand over Gavin’s mouth
while Drew sticks his tongue out at him and gets a smack in the arm from his wife.

“Jenny, you’re credited with putting Seduction and Snacks on the map with all of your
amazing marketing and promotion skills.  Can you tell us a little bit about that?”

Drew leans back in his chair and throws his arm around the back of Jenny’s and plays
with a strand of her hair.

“Um, well, I don’t think
I
was the one who put Seduction and Snacks on the map.  I’m pretty sure it had something
to do with the state of Ohio and where they built the building.  I could be wrong
though.  I did send a flyer to our mayor so maybe that made him add it to the map. 
Not sure,” she says with a shrug.

“You guys have stuck together as friends and been through quite a lot together in
the last few years.  Where do you see yourselves ten years from now?”

The couples all look at one another, and there are a few smiles and some laughs exchanged.

“In ten years, we’ll still be friends.  We’ll still be talking about sex all the time
and doing inappropriate things in public,” Jim tells us with a chuckle.

“In ten years, I hope I’m living next door to my best friend so I can just walk over
there if I need her.  Even if Seduction and Snacks is no longer around, at least I’ll
still have her.  And sex toys,” Liz says with a smile.

“Awwww, you’re going to make me cry!” Claire tells Liz.

“And you’re going to make me puke.  Cut it out!” Drew
yells at them
.

“In ten years, I hope I’m still waking up every morning next to my soul mate,” Carter
admits with a smile in Claire’s direction.

“What is this,
Lifestyles of the Gay and Sappy
?
  Come on!
”
Drew complains.

“In ten years, I hope
they have a Skittles remover and I can still put my feet behind my head in a hammock,”
Jenny tells everyone.

“In ten years I hope I’ve forgotten every part of that sentence,” Jim states.

“In ten years, I’ll still be banging my hot wife.  Hopefully by then they will have
invent
ed honey that isn’t so sticky and
corn stalks that don’t chafe so much when you tie them to your penis,” Drew states.

“In ten years, I hope Drew stops talking about his penis and the weird things he does
with it,” Claire says with a roll of her eyes.  “But we’ll definitely still be friends. 
We’ll all have teenagers then and will need as much support as we can get,” she laughs.

“In ten years I’ll be twenty.  I’ll be able to carry a gun and pistol whip Drew,”
Gavin says.

“You can’t carry a gun at twenty!  And anyway, I will still be bigger than you in
ten years, kid,” Drew argues.

“Yeah, but you’ll be old.  And you’ll probably need a walker and someone to change
your poopy diaper,” Gavin argues back.

“How the hell do you even know what pistol whip means?” Claire asks in shock.

“PlayStation.  Duh,” Gavin replies back.

“I’m not going to have poopy d
iapers, YOU’RE going to have poo
py diapers,” Drew tells Gavin.

“You can’t even spell poopy,” Gavin replies in a bored voice as his sister
Sophia
climbs onto his lap and gets comfortable.

“I can spell poopy!”
Sophia
announces.

“It’s called SPOOPY!” Drew and Jenny’s daughter Veronica announces proudly.

“SPOOP!” Billy shouts from his place on the floor in between Jim’s daughters.

Everyone stares down at Billy in shock.

“Did he just say spoop?” Liz whispers.

“What the hell is spoop?” Carter asks.

“Oh my God, our son’s first word is spoop?!” Jenny screeches as she smacks Drew’s
arm.

“This is NOT my fault.  It’s Jackson’s fault!” Drew argues.

“Do I really have to put that in his baby book?  I CANNOT write the word 'spoop',”
Jenny says.

“I can.  I know how to spell spoop,” Gavin tells her.

“So do any of you have plans for more children?”

All three couples chime in at once and without any hesitation.

“OH HELL NO!”

“As we close our interview with the women who started Seduction and Snacks and their
loving families, I think it’s clear to everyone that this group will remain friends
for a very long time.  They will continue to follow their dreams and watch their business
grow into something none of them ever saw coming.  They will
also share in the joys of
watch
ing
their children grow up together and form their own close-knit friendships and who
knows, maybe one of
them
will have a
story of their own to
tell us down the road.  I have a feeling we haven’t heard the last from the gang
at Seduction and Snacks!”

The End

A Beautiful Lie

~