Toxic Secrets (40 page)

“I can’t,” I said without any sound.

His lips brushed against mine so delicately. It reminded me of that first kiss on Reed’s couch. His intoxicating mint sent my appetite into overdrive. It started off slow and sweet then turned into a longing desire. I wanted to freeze this moment. I never wanted it to end.

“Don’t turn this into a goodbye, Sweet Cheeks,” he muttered against my lips. His breath was ragged and his eyes were closed tight.

“I’m so sorry.” It was all I had the strength to say. I wanted to tell him to stay. I wanted to tell him he had me, and that I was his… but I couldn’t.

He held me tight. I wanted him to hold onto me forever, but I pushed him away. It was easier this way. “Go. Please. If you stay Jaxon, it will only make things harder for me.
Please
understand.”

He nodded a few times, but the pain on his face was unmistakable. He took a few steps towards me, but I shook my head at him. He knew what I was saying. Without a fight, he quickly walked to his car never turning around to look at me.

Jaxon kept his back to me while he climbed into his rental car. My heart stammered when he turned around to face me at the last minute. His face expressed torment. I could see it all over him. His brow furrowed, and the corners of his lips were turned down. I closed my eyes and dropped my head. I couldn’t even look at him. I couldn’t accept the pain I was causing him. I was a coward.

He backed out of my driveway, and I watched until I lost sight of him.

My heart broke. Right there at that moment. It laid in my chest in two pieces. He just admitted that he had fallen in love again, and now I’d lost him. I couldn’t even feel my heart beat in my chest anymore. I felt dead inside. I wanted to be dead. It hurt so much.
How could I have ever thought my life would be over without Phillip?
The pain I felt now was worse than any I’d ever encountered.

A roaring sob that had been building up in my chest finally made its escape. “Why?” I screamed out into the sky. My head fell in defeat as my vision blurred with salty tears. “I fuckin’ hate you Phillip Wilkins!” I screamed out.

My shoulders slumped forward, the rest of my body following suit as I fell to the ground. Through the wetness in my eyes, I spotted something white on the ground lying next to all the dirt, broken flowers and the plastic pot.
My pregnancy test—a baby. My baby.

No matter how much I wanted to give up, I couldn’t. I had someone depending on me, someone pure and innocent. Jaxon thought I chose Phillip, but he was so wrong. I would never let him into my life again. Phillip was dead to me.

I could take care of my baby and myself. It would be a long, hard road, but I knew I could do it. It was just going to take me one day at a time.

Epilogue

She pushed me away and I let her.
Did I really have a choice in the matter?
No, I didn’t think I did. She wanted me gone and I respected her enough to let her go.

Fuck my life.

I was on my way back to Greensboro. I couldn’t fathom hopping back on a plane right now. I’d just stay at one of the hotels by the airport for the night and catch a flight in the morning. I wasn’t prepared to go home the same day I arrived. So much for surprising Courtney—she ended up surprising me.

Pregnant… a baby… Courtney as a mother… she would be a wonderful mother. That, I truly believed. Offering to father her baby…
Could I really have done it?
Did I have my life under control enough to raise a baby, a baby that wasn’t even my own blood? That was perhaps the most irrational decision I’d ever made. I’d never thought about fathering a child, but I thought I had what it took to be one. I wanted to give what I’d never had. I knew someday, if I ever had children, I would not follow in my father’s footsteps. I would want to be in its life regardless of the outcome.

Fuck my life.

Confessing my love to Courtney wasn’t something I planned. Did I love Courtney? Yes, I did. Would most people think I fell in love too soon? Probably. Would I love her if she wasn’t a replica of Heather? I wasn’t sure. But no matter who my love was for, it was real. It was there.

Wanting to clear my mind of Courtney, I turned on the radio and ‘Was It a Dream’ by Thirty Seconds to Mars was blaring through the speakers. I pulled my phone out and glanced back and forth from the road to the picture I’d snuck of her while she slept. So peaceful. So pure. So beautiful. So much love I could give her.

Fuck my life.

Fate and I had a love/hate relationship. I was given the most wonderful people to love with all my heart and soul, and they reciprocated that love in return. But, as soon as I gave myself over to them, fate came along and whisked them away in the blink of an eye. Love wasn’t meant for me. Love wasn’t something I was meant to have. All the people I had loved in my life always found a way to leave me. I found myself at the point of believing I’d been given a second chance to right a wrong, and what happened? Fate cut my heartstrings and jerked that love right out from under my feet. Once again, I was left feeling hollow, lifeless, and black inside. My ray of sunshine had been extinguished. My flame had been blown out.

Fuck my life.

Pulling into the nearest gas station, I bid fate a silent ‘fuck you,’ and bought myself a pack of cigarettes. My hands shook as I inhaled the first taste of fresh tobacco. My lungs exploded with gratitude as I gave them the craving they’d been longing for. As I climbed back into my rental car, a blinking sign caught my eye—Cherry Grove.

I drove across the street and pulled into the gravel parking lot of the small bar. Finishing my cigarette, I flicked it into the rocks before walking in. The building was larger on the inside than it looked on the outside. Two girls wearing a few scraps of black leather, fish nets stockings, and black stilettoes were dancing in separate corners. One, a blonde, the other a brunette. They’re both pretty, but probably pumped full of drugs and STDs. A group of guys wearing Harley Davidson gear staked their claim on the pool tables.

Sauntering over to the bar, I ordered a shot of Jack. My nerves stood on end as the warm liquid burned all the way down into the pit of my stomach. Another feeling I welcomed. I ordered three more, and they each went down smoother than the shot before. Finally feeling warm and relaxed, I heard a sweet, southern accent hum in my ear. “Can I buy you a drink?”

I didn’t bother looking at the lot lizard hovering over my back. “Is that the best pick up line you got?” Turning my head back to the bartender, I nodded at him for another shot.

She sat down beside me and threw a five dollar bill down on the counter. “It wasn’t a pick up line, asshole. I’ve never seen you before, so I figured you’re just one of the strays passing through without a pot to piss in.” The bartender sat a shot down in front of the woman. “Fucking strangers… always mistake a kind gesture for flirting,” she mumbled under her breath.
Damn.

The damn asshat in me always tried to shine through. Instantly, I felt like shit. “Sorry. I apologize,” I said looking at her for the first time. “I’m Jaxon. Can I buy you a drink?” Her thin lips spread into a pleasant smile. She looked to be older than me, but still a beautiful woman. Her hair was long and blonde, and swept off to the side with a small white bow. Her brown eyes danced as she examined me from head to toe. “Sure, but don’t get the wrong idea,” she smirked.

I woke up the next morning to an alarm I didn’t remember setting. Reaching over to check my phone, I saw an empty condom wrapper lying on the night stand. My other hand slid along the sheets until it stopped against a soft, warm body beside of me. Dreadfully lifting up the covers, I found it was a soft, warm, and naked body. It was the girl from last night, and I never even got her name. Closing my eyes, I tried to recollect what all had happened last night. We’d sat and talked and shared a few more shots, and that was it. I’d drawn a blank after that. One little slip-up and old habits had apparently resurfaced.

Fuck my life.

If I couldn’t beat fate, I might as well join the destructive life she had laid out before me.

The end… for now.

Watch for the continuation of Jaxon and Courtney’s story coming out early in 2014.

Toxic Secrets Playlist of Inspiration

Scream – Usher

Let’s Go – Calvin Harris

C’mon – Ke$ha

Crazy Kids – Ke$ha

Mercy – Kanye, 2  Chainz

I Get Crazy – Nicki Minaj

Birthday Cake – Rihanna

Wobble – V.I.C.

Pop, Lock and Drop It – Huey

Down on Me – 50 Cent

I’ve Got This Friend – Civil Wars

As Your Friend – Afrojack

Beautiful Lie – Thirty Seconds to Mars

Chasing Pavements – Adele

If You Were Here – Cary Brothers

Untitled – Simple Plan

Crazier – Taylor Swift

Bliss – Muse

Tonight I’m F’ing You – Enrique Iglesias

Can’t Get You Out of My Head – Kylie Minogue

Animal – Neon Trees

Demons – Imagine Dragons

Madness – Muse

Never Let Me Go – Florence and the Machine

Was It a Dream? – Thirty Seconds to Mars

Wrecking Ball – Miley Cyrus

Cold Desert – Kings of Leon

Courtney’s California Playlist

It Never Rains in Southern California – Tony, Toni, Tone’

California Gurls – Katy Perry

Going Back to Cali – LL Cool J

Californication – Red Hot Chili Peppers

California – Phantom Planets

California Sun – Ramones

California Waiting – Kings of Leon

Heads Carolina, Tails California – Jo Dee Messina

Going to California – Led Zepplin

Queen of California – John Mayer

Acknowledgements

First and foremost, I want to thank my husband and kids for putting up with my negligence as a wife and mother. Sorry to break it to you, but I’m going to be locked away for a wee bit longer. Love you!!!

I want to send a HUGE thank you to my newfound book friend and beta reader, Terri Thomas. Who knew when I requested your expertise months ago that you would become such a blessing to me? You stuck by me from the beginning of my journey and even gave me space when I needed to take a break.  Words can’t express my gratitude.

Thank you, Summer Marston, aka Grammar Nazi, for editing and formatting my book. Without your perfection, Toxic Secrets wouldn’t look the same.

Thank you, Meredith Blair from Author’s Angels, for your patience as we looked for the perfect image. I love my beautiful cover! 

Thank you, sis, April Martin, for creating my amazing author web page.

Thank you to all my family, friends, coworkers, and beta readers who have supported me all the way. Y’all are amazing!

About this Author

Jill Patten was born a Yankee, but raised a southerner. She lives in the small town of Mayberry, North Carolina which was made famous by a popular TV show back in the sixties. (Maybe there will one day be a statue of her at the end of Main Street. Ha! A girl can dream, right?)
Jill has always loved to read, even during reading labs in middle school for reading comprehension. Judy Blume was her first author she hero-worshipped, maturing to revere the works of Stephen King. With all the fantastic authors today, she simply cannot choose a favorite. Her taste is very eclectic and she loves almost all genres. When she's not captivated by her fictional characters, she spends time with her sweet husband and two beautiful children.
Music is her muse. Jill also loves elephants, sarcasm, and anything made with sugar, especially sweet tea. She enjoys all things rude and crude and laughs at stuff she probably shouldn't. She has been accused of being bossy a time or two, but doesn't really see it herself.
All in all, Jill is just a small town girl in this great big world trying to enable your book addiction.
Oh, and if you read her book, please leave her a review - good or bad, she'll love you forever.

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