Toxic Secrets (38 page)

I didn’t even have to pick her test up. I could clearly see there was no line. She was free.

“It’s negative!” I exclaimed. She jerked the applicator up to see for herself. “Oh my God, Courtney!” She jumped up and down screaming. With all the commotion, I was thankful my mom wasn’t home. This wasn’t exactly a scene I would want to explain to her.

“I have to go. I have to see Reed and beat the shit out of him for scaring me to death.” She pulled me to her roughly giving me a quick squeeze. She grabbed her keys and walked out of my room. “Throw the rest of those tests away if you want,” she yelled to me as she walked out of my house.

And just like that all the craziness was gone. Evaporated.

I thought about calling Jaxon back and telling him what happened, but I changed my mind when I saw all the tests spread out over my bed. Quickly, I picked them up and hid them in my closet. I walked back into the bathroom to clean up the rest of our mess before my mom got home and saw them.

As I picked the empty boxes up off the sink, I was caught off guard by what I saw. I blinked my eyes repeatedly to clear my vision.
It can’t be. This can’t be real.
I started my breathing technique before a panic attack caused me to lose all control. Two lines. Two clearly visible pink lines staring back at me. Grabbing the positive test from the sink, I quickly tossed it in the trash and ran to my closet ripping open another test. My hands were shaking so violently, I could hardly hold it still under the stream. Sitting still on the toilet, I waited for the longest three minutes of my life.

Holding the stick in my hand, I was unable to peel my eyes away from it, slowly watching the pink line form, matching the one beside of it. I shook my head as tears streamed down my face.

I went through the torturous process until I’d used all six tests. All six of them displayed positive results.
My life is just starting, and now it’s going to end. I’m not ready to be a mother. I don’t want a baby with Phillip. Oh God, what have I done?

Sinking to the floor, I crawled to the bathroom door and locked it. My chest tightened and my stomach caved in as I digested what could possibly happen to me. My body jerked from the sobs pouring out of me. I lay on the cold floor for what felt like hours, just wanting to crawl in a hole somewhere and die.

My body emotionally rejected the evil spawn Phillip planted in me, and I retched all over the cold linoleum floor.

Chapter 31 ~ Vengeance is Mine

I always sucked at playing charades. Going through the motions of pretending to live a normal, happy life was draining me dry. Feeling like a zombie at school, I couldn’t focus on my school work. I avoided Kendra, I avoided my mom, but I couldn’t avoid Jaxon. It wouldn’t be fair of me to punish him for my foolishness, though I did lie to him.
What would one more lie hurt?
I was becoming a pro. I’d told him I thought I was getting a cold and my throat hurt, so we stuck to texting for the time being. I was thankful because I feared he would hear the somber strain in my voice. He also gave me space. The time we normally spent talking to each other was cut in half. He demanded I rest and let my body have a break. If only he knew just how much rest my body really needed.

I thought I could keep it to myself, or at least wait until after graduation before I made any final decisions. It wasn’t possible though. I couldn’t do it any longer. I couldn’t hold this secret inside of me. It wasn’t fair to be the only person to carry this burden. I knew many people would consider it a blessing, but for me it wasn’t. Nothing good would come from it. I would lose Jaxon. Phillip would make my life a living hell, and I would end up becoming that stay-at-home mom I used to think I was destined to be. I was in charge of my life now, and I was not suffering this pregnancy alone. Phillip was just as much at fault as I was. He was the father, and he deserved to know.

Oh God…
his reaction. The wrath I would sustain when I told him would be aggressive. I had no doubt about it.

Opting out, I decided not to tell Kendra. I couldn’t take that chance of her telling Reed and then Reed telling Jaxon. She’d always harbored my secrets, but this was one secret I couldn’t take a chance at. I had to make sure I planned everything out perfectly. She was going to be furious with me. Not because I hadn’t told her, but because I had stooped low enough to fall into Phillip’s trap and have sex with him. She was my best friend and had picked me up every time I had fallen.
Would she catch me again? Would she swear to secrecy to not tell Jaxon? Should I wait to tell her?
I was so confused and screwed up in the head. I couldn’t stop second-guessing myself. I just wanted to turn my brain off, hibernate in a dark hole, and not come out until next year when all of it was over.

My thoughts switched over to Jaxon. The amazingly, noble guy that flew into my life like an angel with wings, stripped all my sorrow away, and filled that emptiness with joy. How was I going to tell him? I couldn’t tell him now. I was not ready to break his heart yet. He didn’t deserve to get caught up in the crossfire of my screw-up.

I had to focus on Phillip right now. I wanted to crush him. I wanted to see him break. I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me. A scene from a movie I once saw popped into my head, giving me the perfect idea. I knew exactly what I wanted to do and I knew how to hurt him in the worst way.

Not wanting to run into anyone I knew, I drove to the next county to buy another pregnancy test. With the test in my purse, I stopped off at a gas station to fill my car up and to use their restroom. Once I was in the bathroom I peed on the test, waiting for the positive result to show up. When it did, I placed my test in a Ziploc baggie. Taking my stationary paper out, I wrote a little love letter to the Ice Queen Bitch.

I know what you did. I know you set my mother up. I saw the stolen items in your linen closet. Well played, Maryann, well played. Too bad you’ve been beaten at your own game, though, just like your son has. Oh, that’s right, you don’t know. Well, I want to wish you congratulations. I’m so thrilled to inform you that you are going to be a grandmother. That’s right. Your precious Phillip is going to be a father. Looks like you’ll have to deal with me for the rest of your life. Oh, and don’t think you’re going to seek vengeance on me because, whatever you do, will not only hurt me, but it will also hurt your son and unborn grandchild.

After addressing the envelope with her name only, I folded it up then slid it, and the bagged test, inside.

Driving back into town, I stopped off at Meadowland Baptist Church. Parking beside Maryann’s Caddy, I hopped out, and shoved the envelope underneath her windshield wiper, then drove back home.

Phillip’s mom found my letter sooner than I had expected. As soon as I walked through the door, I heard the house phone ringing. “Hello,” I answered.

“You think you’re a sneaky little bitch, don’t you? Well, let me tell you something. If you think you’re going to blackmail me by keeping my grandbaby away from me, then you are stupidly mistaken. I can easily dismiss you out of my life for good. Who do you think a judge will listen to? Who do you think they’ll believe? Not you, you piece of redneck white trash!” She snarled at me.

“You don—”

She cut me off. “You don’t have a say in the matter. If you dare try to screw with me or my family, I will take you to court and have that baby taken from you so fast that you won’t even have a chance to see it after giving birth,” she threatened. “One more thing—as of now, you better not tell anyone until I decide what you’re going to do. You will not ruin our reputation. Got it? People in this town know what kind of person you and your mother are, and, if they don’t, I’ll be sure to inform them.”

The phone suddenly went stale. She hung up before I ever had a chance to say anything, never giving me the opportunity to defend myself. She was right though, who would believe me over the Wilkins? Tears began stinging my eyes as different scenarios filtered through my mind. No matter what I did, they would win.

After I dried my eyes from a good, hard cry, and cleared my brain, I made the dreadful phone call to the OB/GYN and made myself an appointment.

Never had I ever imagined I would get myself into a situation like this. Teen pregnancies always happened to other girls, not me. I’d always taken myself to be somewhat mature for my age. Yes, I’d made some pretty foolish decisions in the last few years, but, in the last few months, I had felt like I had finally gained control of my life. I had finally started making decisions based on what was best for me, and not someone else. I was finally living for me. I was finally doing what I wanted to do and not what someone else wanted to do. But, the one time I slipped up and converted to my old ways, doing what that one person wanted to do, because of my stupid feelings of guilt, it came back to bite me in the ass.
Was I one of those people that never learned my lessons?

One time. How many times had I heard people say that one time was all it took? I guessed I was just as idiotic as all the rest of the teenagers out there that believed they were invincible. I’d thought, just because we got away without using protection before that it would work every time. I was an immature and stupid girl after all.

My head was throbbing from so much stress. I didn’t want to think about it anymore. I’d played the ‘what if’s’ in my head a zillion times. Crawling onto my bed, I hoped a little nap would make me feel better. Maybe it would give my brain a rest. I lay still on my bed, with my hand flat over my lower abdomen, trying to imagine the beginnings of a life forming inside my womb. My thoughts fell flat as I drifted off to sleep.

Hearing a loud banging sound from the living room, I shot up into a sitting position. As my senses began to wake I realized it was someone beating on the front door. Glancing over at my clock, the time read a quarter after four. I couldn’t believe I had been sleeping for four hours. I called out for mom, but she never answered. She must’ve still been at Jaxon’s restaurant. She’d been spending a lot of time over there recently, helping Reed pick out décor and making sure all orders were placed and invoices received. She wasn’t exactly hired to take on those tasks, but she couldn’t handle sitting around not doing anything.

Grabbing a pony tail holder, I flipped my hair up into a messy bun on top of my head. As soon as I opened the door, I tried closing it with as much force as I could muster. I didn’t get far when Phillip’s arm stopped it from moving. The contorted look on his face was worse than I’d ever seen before. Of all the times I’d seen him mad, this was an expression beyond that rage. I was petrified.

He knew.

Panicking, I froze still. I couldn’t gather a single thought together. I’d have to outsmart him. I couldn’t let him in my house. He would have full advantage of me then.
Think fast, Courtney.
Forcing my feet past the threshold, I closed the door behind me. Phillip’s chest rose and fell heavily with each uncontrolled breath he took. The veins in his neck were clearly defined, and I couldn’t stop watching the bulging vein at his temple, pulsating with the rapid beat of his heart. His full lips were now pulled back against his teeth in a thin line. I knew he was using everything in him to control himself from lashing out at me.

My nerves were wound up so tight I was on the verge of losing all self-control. I took a couple of deep breaths. A panic attack wasn’t something I could withstand right now. “Wh… what’s going on?” I stammered. My voice shook all over the place. It killed me to know Phillip had control right now. I was helpless.

He didn’t answer me. Instead, he shoved the baggie with my pregnancy test into my chest. It hurt. “What the hell is this?” he seethed through clenched teeth. “How dare you. How dare you try to manipulate me by using my mother as bait.” His breath was hot against my mouth. I couldn’t even look into his eyes. I was afraid the devil would reach out and hold me captive. “Any issues we have are between me and you. Not my
mother!
” he screamed in my face. Closing my eyes, I awaited the blow. He began to laugh like a maniacal lunatic. “You’re not so tough now are you? I can smell the fear oozing from your pores. You never were much for sticking up for yourself, were you, you spineless bitch?” He wrapped both hands around my upper arms, squeezing them tight like a vise. He had my body pulled close against him, and I had to turn my face away from his to avoid the spit escaping from his mouth as he foamed at me like a rabid dog. “I knew from the moment I met you that I would be your puppet master. All I had to do was give a little twitch to the strings dangling from my hands, and you would do whatever I commanded. Just as a reminder nothing has changed either. I will always have the upper hand you fuckin’ whore!” This time he was in my ear. Making sure I heard him loud and clear.

The death grip he had on my arms felt all too familiar. I knew there would be bruises to see tomorrow. “Phillip, you’re hurting me. Please let go,” I cried.

My plea only made things worse. “You think I fucking care if you’re hurt or not. After you nearly killed me? Ended my basketball career? Ruined my fuckin’ life? And now you try to blackmail me by sending my mother a pregnancy test accusing me of being the father?” He yelled. “After you spread your legs for that California guy, you think I’m gonna believe I’m the dad?” He shook his head answering himself.