Tough Love (28 page)

His spot-on impression of my dad made me laugh, and I instantly forgave both of them. I was ecstatic they were already getting along so well. As important as Donny's opinion was to me, it was really my parents I needed to love Nate. I knew if he could win my dad over, the rest would be easy. And to me, it seemed that had already begun to happen.

I struggled with the fact that I hadn't completely given my heart to Nate yet. I was so accustomed to falling for someone within days of meeting him. I wanted to be sure this was what I wanted, so I came up with a plan. With my parents' permission, I went to Nate's apartment in Valparaiso for a week, living as married couples do. We were in a state of domestic bliss. By the time the week was over, I had my answer. I knew I could do this the rest of my life.

I wanted to do something fun to tell Nate I was ready to be fully committed to him, so Mom helped me come up with clues and small, meaningful gifts for a scavenger hunt to kick off a busy three-month anniversary weekend. The last clue led him to a card with a heart shaped keychain taped to the envelope.

Inside I wrote, “Okay, let's talk.”

We sat down sideways on the couch so that we were facing each other. I grabbed both his hands in mine.

“Wait, before you start, I have to know. Is this bad news?” Nate asked me.

“Bad news? No, what would make you think that?”

“’Cause every time a girl says 'we need to talk,' it is always bad news,” he informed me. “Just ask any guy in America.”

“Well not this time, so don't worry.” I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself a bit before I began, tears already threatening. “These last three months have been incredible, Nate, but I've been keeping something from you.”

“I thought you said this wasn't--” he started to interrupt, but I shushed him.

“It isn't, just listen.” I took another breath and started over. “These last three months have been better than I ever could have imagined. You know I have a lot of baggage I'm bringing with me into this relationship, but you aren't afraid to help me carry it. You have been open and honest from the very start, and I've been honest with you, too but I have not given you everything.” The tears began flowing, but I kept talking. If I stopped, I might not ever finish.

“The reason I gave you the heart keychain is because I'm ready to give you my whole heart. To love you as much as you love me, to keep going in our relationship without fear that you're going to hurt me. I love you, Nate.”

After a couple seconds of silence, Nate said, “Is it my turn now?”

I laughed while I nodded.

“I know you are worried you haven't given me enough these past three months, but you have. You are so generous and patient, and I love how you wear your heart on your sleeve. I feel privileged to be with you.” I closed my eyes, allowing a couple more tears to fall and blew some air out slowly through my mouth.

“Hey, look at me.” Nate rubbed my tears away with his thumbs and locked my gaze with his. “I will not hurt you, Janessa. I will never do the things to you that he did. Your heart is safe with me.”

I couldn't speak yet, so I simply nodded in understanding and leaned forward to put my head on his chest. Nate stroked my hair until my breathing grew steady and controlled.

“Thank you,” I said.

“You're welcome.” I could hear his smile through his words. “I love you.”

“I love you, too. With all my heart.”

The rest of our weekend was busy. We had an appointment Saturday to get our pictures taken and reservations for dinner that night. I'd even rented a limousine to take us to dinner and then drive around town for a bit before returning back home. We went to church with my parents Sunday morning and finally had a chance to relax that afternoon.

Nate and I were enjoying a late afternoon breeze on the swing in the backyard when I reminded him I would be getting the results from my final HIV test the next day.

“Are you nervous?” he asked.

I shrugged. “Kind of, I don't know. I mean, it's been negative all the other times so I'm guessing it is again. But I just want to be sure, you know.”

“I know, honey. I want you to be sure, too.” He kissed the top of my head.

“But don't you want to be sure? If I get bad news tomorrow, and you want to walk away, I won't blame you.”

“Janessa Ann, you look at me.” I could hear the emotion in Nate's voice, not anger, really...just finality.

“I don't care what that test says tomorrow. I'm not going anywhere.”

“Are you sure?”

“You tell me,” he smirked, and then kissed me, sweet and gentle.

I rested my head on his shoulder, hardly believing the turn my life had taken. It had been only a year since my parents had made the devastating choice to kick me out of their home, since their tough love had finally caused me to see the path I was going down needed to change. In that year, I had worked hard to repair the many relationships I'd damaged, and I had all my friends back. To be blessed enough to find love on top of that was almost overwhelming.

I would have been content to sit there with Nate for hours, but he had a long drive ahead of him.

“We'd better get you packed up and on your way,” I told him.

By the time Nate got into his car and pulled away, it was late; even if he drove straight through, he wouldn't reach the apartment until one in the morning. As always, I made him promise he'd call once he arrived home.

I bolted upright at the sound of my bedside phone ringing. I grabbed the receiver quickly, hoping I'd answer it before my parents woke up. Twisting just enough to see the clock sent a wave of fear through me. Why was it already after 3:30?

I didn't bother with the customary “Hello?” but rather answered the phone with “Nate?”

“Hey.” His voice was tired. “Sorry it's so late.”

“That's okay. What's wrong?”

“I was halfway home when a deer jumped out in front of me as I was passing a semi. I’m fine, but the car’s totaled. I blew a tire, and the front end is a complete mess.”The car accident was a rude ending to a weekend in which we'd made a promise to be together. We hadn't said any vows–we weren't even engaged yet–but we knew this weekend had been both 'for better' and 'for worse'. It solidified our relationship and our commitment to see each other through, no matter what.

MOM’S TAILLIGHTS DISAPPEARED into the night as she turned out of the Wendy’s parking lot, starting the long drive back to Toledo.

I got into our car and fastened my seatbelt as Nate backed up and pulled away.

“You okay?”

“Not yet, but I will be,” I said and proceeded to tell him about my week.

“So Aimee is going to call when something happens?” he asked.

“Yes, she’ll let me know, and I am supposed to call Mom and Dad.”

“Are you glad you went?”

“Very,” I told him. “It was hard, seeing him again. Facing everything, you know. But it was something I needed to do. I have many regrets about my time with Brendan, but these three days were different. I will never be sad I made the choice to tell him goodbye.”

Nate and I got home before dark, and I called Dad right away to let him know we'd arrived safely.

“Your mom just pulled in the driveway, too. Do you want to talk with her?” he asked.

“No, that's okay,” I told him. “Just give her my love and tell her thanks again.”

“Okay, Pumpkin. Have a good night.”

“You too, Dad. Happy New Year.”

I unpacked my dirty clothes and had just started a load of laundry when Nate asked if I wanted to run to the store and grab some snacks. I told him I needed a quick shower and then I'd be ready to go.

We got home just in time to make some pizza rolls and sit down on the couch to watch the ball drop on television. It's funny; I had always wanted to be in New York City for the year 2000 to be ushered in, but when it was happening, I could not have been more content than I was, just sitting there with my husband, in our home, eating junk food.

ONE EVENING IN early October, Nate and I were on the phone discussing the future. It was his senior year at Valpo, and he was ready to make plans for his accounting career. Indianapolis, just an hour south of Anderson, seemed like a good place to start. It had plenty of job opportunities for him, I could stay at AU, and we'd be close to his family. But I really wanted to get a degree in Special Education, and I couldn’t do that at AU.

“Maybe you could get a Special Ed minor somewhere else,” Nate suggested.

“That’s what I was thinking, too. In fact, I’ve already picked a place.”

“Where’s that? Ball State?”

“Nope.” I paused for dramatic effect. “Valpo.”

“Valpo? You’d come here?” he asked.

“Yes,” I was quiet before adding, “and I was thinking something else. I love you, Nate, much more than I ever thought would be possible again after, well, you know.”

I thought I could hear a smile through the phone when he replied, “I love you, too. What’s this all about?”

“Well, I just figured if I’m going to move up there, maybe we should--”

“Get married,” Nate said.

I was giddy with excitement as I realized he did not say it as a question, as if he were curious about my sanity. He said it as a statement, agreeing with me.

But we were very young and had not been together long. What if there was something we weren’t considering? Things we had not thought of? Neither of us wanted to make a quick, thoughtless decision.

We decided to each call another adult we trusted to help us make this very important choice. I called my mom and began explaining everything Nate and I had discussed. I told her how we’d been thinking he would do a job search down toward the middle part of the state, and I would finish my education at Anderson.

“But I’ve always wanted to teach special kids, you know that. It was either get the minor now, adding only a year onto my degree, or go back to school later and try to get it.”

“I see what you mean,” Mom said. “But can’t you get a minor somewhere close to AU?”

“Sure, I could, but if I’m going to change schools, don’t you think it would just make more sense to transfer to Valpo?” I asked her.

“I can tell you and Nate have thought this through. Let’s take the logic out of it for a second and talk about your relationship. Do you really think you are ready for this?”

“Yes, and I’ll tell you why. Remember the week I stayed at his house last summer? That’s when I knew. I was there in his apartment cleaning up one day while Nate was at work and I thought, ‘
I can do this the rest of my life.
’ And then he had the accident in July, which only made it that much more obvious.”

“So, did you call to basically get my blessing or what?”

“Sort of, but mostly to make sure we were thinking everything through.”

“I think you’ve done a good job considering everything.” She was silent for just a few seconds, and I thought I could hear her crying on the other end. “You’ve come so far in the past year, honey. I am very proud of you.”

“Thanks, Mom. That means a lot to me. I’ll call you sometime tomorrow.”

“All right, have a good night, sweetie. I love you.”