Tough Love (22 page)

“Baby?” I heard him behind me. “Baby! Oh, my God!”

He was by my side in moments, holding me. The only sound I could hear outside of my uncontrolled sobbing was him repeating words over and over.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

We sat there, in the alley behind my parents’ house, for a long time. I let him stroke my hair while the tears slowed and my breathing became more regulated.

“How are you?”

I let out a slow, almost steady breath.

“Better,” I replied.

“You should probably go check in with your folks. I’m sure they’re worried.”

As much as I wanted to stay and figure things out, I knew he was right. I asked him to stay in the alley so we could talk after I explained everything to my parents.

“If they don’t let me come back, I’ll at least come say goodnight. So don’t go anywhere either way.”

Brendan stood and helped me to my feet before retrieving my purse. He leaned down and kissed my cheek. “I’ll wait right here for you.”

I walked up the little hill that led to the side yard with my head spinning. It had been one of the most emotional days of my life. From my decision to end our relationship, to his decision to end his life—and then his confession that it was a lie—all while keeping up appearances at work—I was not exaggerating when I’d told Brendan I was exhausted.

I wondered who I would run into first when I got into the house. Mom, although more understanding and therefore more likely to let me go, would be more observant. She would see the tear stains on my face and recognize the redness of my bloodshot eyes. Dad, on the other hand, probably wouldn’t see any tell-tale signs of a daughter in crisis, but he was much less likely to let me work things out with Brendan.

I opened the back door and found no one. In fact, the house was very quiet. I went into the dining room, dumping my purse down onto a chair as I went, and found it empty, just as the living room was. After hollering up the front stairway and getting no response, I settled on leaving them a note.

I ran upstairs to change clothes and check myself in the mirror. My make-up wasn’t smeared too badly. Mostly I just looked tired. I washed my face anyway. I wanted to look better even if I didn’t feel any better.

Brendan was sitting on the swing under the cherry tree when I joined him.

“So they said yes, I take it?”

I shrugged. “Actually they aren’t home, so I left them a note.”

Brendan nodded in understanding. “I see.”

We sat in awkward silence for a while, neither of us wanting to bring up the day’s events. When we did speak, it was at the same time.

“So,” I said.

“Listen,” he began.

We both laughed a little, and then Brendan asked me to go first.

I grew quiet as I tried to think of what to say. Even though the favor had never been returned, I was always proud of my honesty with Brendan. This was not a time for that to change. I focused on my knees as I began.

“I’ve been in love with you a long time, Brendan. I think it happened the first time I saw you, when I was thirteen. Do you know something? I was home that first day you tried to talk to me.”

“Wait, you were? Why didn’t you answer the door?” he asked.

“Scared, I guess,” I shrugged. “Part of me was afraid you wouldn’t like me. But there was a bigger part of me worried you would.” I gave him a sideways glance and saw that he was still confused. “See, I already knew about guys like you. That falling for you would be so easy, yet very dangerous. I also knew how my parents would react, and I was not ready for that. So while you walked across the street, I shut the blinds, turned off the TV, and lay on the floor. I was so worried you wouldn’t leave me alone, I stopped breathing.”

I chuckled but then grew serious again.

“And then I didn’t see you for a couple of years, but you were around. Aimee and Billy talked about you once in a while, but none of it was good. I knew you were bi-sexual long before you ever told me.”

“Which brings us to the day you and Aimee came over,” he added.

There was sadness in my voice when I responded. “Yeah, and the recital, which is when it all changed for me. All of a sudden the fear and concern was gone. Maybe because I was older, I don’t know, but all the rumors—everything Aimee had warned me about—just dissipated. I knew you liked me and I wanted to give it my best shot.”

“That was a great summer, wasn’t it?” I could hear the reminiscing in his voice, could feel the sorrow for what we both knew was coming. I reached out and silently took his hand in mine, nodding in agreement, while he continued. “But I went and screwed that up. Left with no goodbye.”

“You sure did,” I affirmed, reliving the moment. “I was so lost, Brendan. I tried to continue on like you never existed, but that didn’t work, at least not in the beginning. Things got better, though. I got into my favorite school, my family was united once again, my dreams were coming true.

“Have you thought about how things have changed in the past year?” I asked him. “How much
I
have changed? Sometimes I don’t even know who I am any more, and that scares me.”

A couple of silent tears slid down my cheek and hit Brendan’s thumb where it was linked with mine.

“I know what I did today was wrong,” he told me. “It’s just…you aren’t the only one who was left incomplete when I went to Florida.”

“Then why did you go? Why did you pull all that crap with Tavora?”

“To give you a shot at a better life.” He turned and looked at me. “Don’t you see, baby? You’re too good for me, I’ve always known that. I didn’t want to keep screwing up your life, so I made you hate me and then I left.

“Every day I said a prayer for my heart to be unbroken. I lived my life with Justin and Greg but always thought of you. I kept tabs on you through my mom, but it wasn’t enough. I came back to Toledo and moved in with Daren, all with the purpose of reconnecting with you.”

I looked at him then, shock all over my face. I never dreamed his relationship with Daren had been a farce. It did explain, however, why it was so easy for Brendan to throw him away; Daren had never mattered to him. But I did.

“So now you know. I threatened to hurt myself today out of fear. I can’t lose you again, Janessa. I don’t think I could survive without you.”

I stood up from the swing and turned to face him, both hands extended. He slid his hands into mine and stood up with me, his eyes searching for my answer to his unspoken question.

“You don’t have to,” I whispered.

I ARRIVED AT the hospital at ten the next morning for my last day with Brendan. He was a bit frailer each day, and we all knew the time was drawing near. But even with the somber atmosphere, I tried to bring some brightness back to Brendan.

“Do you want to hear some stories from my first year of teaching?” I asked.

When he nodded, I told him about a pair of first graders in my room.

“You’d think they were an old married couple the way they carry on,” I said. “But when you figure they’ve been in special classes together since they were three, I’m sure you can imagine.”

They sound funny
, he wrote.

“They are,” I said. “You’re looking tired again. Try to sleep for a while. I will stay right here.” I held his hand and sang a few of our favorite songs as he drifted in and out of sleep for the next couple of hours.

He woke up as one of the nurses came in to check on him.

“It may not be my place, but I just wanted to say you’ve got a sweet lady there,” she told Brendan and then left.

He nodded and looked over at me, his eyes even more weak than they were before. I felt a tear run down my cheek. I wiped it away quickly.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to cry today,” I told him. “I wanted this to be easy, but it’s just not.”

No, it isn’t. But I’m glad you came.

“So am I, Brendan. I always will be.”

This is goodbye, isn’t it?

I didn’t have to say any words; we both knew the answer. I nodded silently and let the tears come. I slid the chair forward and laid my head on his chest, careful to not disturb any of the wires and tubes. He rubbed my hair, and we cried together until I heard someone whisper my name. It was my mom.

“Visiting hours are almost over, honey. Before you say goodbye, can I come in for a minute?”

“Um, sure,” I said. At the same time, Brendan nodded.

“I just wanted to let you know that both Janessa’s dad and I forgive you, Brendan. Thank you for loving our little girl.” She bent over and hugged him gently.

“Don’t be too long, Ness.”

“I won’t,” I promised.

Once she was out of ear-shot, I said, “She’s pretty great, huh?”

Brendan nodded.

I walked around the end of the bed and then took both of his hands in mine. “Well, buddy, I guess I’d better get going.” My voice shook as I spoke. “Please remember everything I said last night.” I held his hands tight as I kissed him where his lips met his cheek.

“I’ll always love you, Brendan Richards.”

I turned and walked away, feeling the control slip with each step. As soon as I was secure in the closest restroom, I sank down and sobbed, letting the heaviness of the day take over for a few minutes. Then I got up, washed my face and joined the rest of the family in the ICU waiting area.

“How are you feeling, honey?” Mom asked.

“Tired, but happy that I was here.”

I turned toward Grandma Nancy. “Thank you for letting me come.”

She stepped over to hug me. “Oh Janessa, you don’t have to thank me, or any of us. We’re grateful to you. You’ve always been able to make him happy. Now go home and get some rest. You have a long drive in the morning. Aimee will call you with any news.”

“Yes ma’am.” I hugged each of them and told them I loved them before Mom and I walked away, hand in hand.

And when my visit was over, it made me smile to know Brendan was happy in his final days on earth.

FOR THE REST of the summer, my life was like an unbalanced scale. Things were good when I was with Brendan, but very stressed when I was with my parents. Little did I know it was about to get worse.

About a week later, Brendan called. He’d gotten a call from Bear asking both of us to stop by. He had bad news.

“Oh gosh, I hope the baby and Allie are all right,” I worried.

“He didn’t say, but we probably should get there soon. He was pretty upset.”

“Okay, come on over. I’ll tell my parents what’s going on in the meantime.”

We hung up, and I walked through the dining room into the living area. Mom was watching TV, and Dad was reading the paper.

“Hey, Mom, Brendan is on his way here. We need to run over to Bear and Allie’s. Is that cool?”

I saw her give my dad a look but could not tell what was being exchanged between them. 

“Actually, no, that’s not cool,” Dad told me.

“I’m sorry, what?” I tried to keep respect in my voice, but I’d been floored by his comment.

“I said no, it is not okay.”

“Are you serious?” I asked but he didn’t respond. I raised my voice an octave higher in panic. “Dad?”