Tough Love (26 page)

“Deal,” I smiled.

She gave me kiss on the cheek before getting up to take off her gloves and wash her hands.

“Hey, Aimee?”

“Hmm?” she responded.

“Thanks. And not just for the hair color.”

She turned while at the sink. “Well, yeah.” She rolled her eyes. “What are best friends for?”

Aimee thought it would be fun to have matching outfits for the Christmas party, so we went shopping. We settled on velour dresses: mine in a dark, forest green and hers in black. Just like old times, we got ready together and she drove us to Grandma's.

Walking into the house felt wonderful, even if I did have some apprehension. I found Grandma and gave her a big hug, thanking her for the invitation. The girls were having a snack at the table but came running the instant they saw me.

“You have both gotten way too tall,” I teased. “And these curves you are getting, young lady,” I told Hannah as she twirled for me and stuck one hip out. “These have got to go.”

“Well I
am
14 now, what do you expect?”

“For you to stop growing!” I pulled her in for another hug. “You're beautiful, Hannah and I'm so proud of you.”

I had a similar exchange with the Natalie, who was quick to point out she was “twelve and a half, thank you.” I expressed my love for her and then we all went to the table to get something to eat.

“I thought I recognized that voice,” I heard from behind me.

I froze, a deviled egg in my hand. I looked into Aimee's face. I'm sure my eyes were very wide.

Are you okay
she mouthed.

I don't know yet
, I mouthed back. But I couldn't just stand there, half bent over the table. I put the hors d'oeuvre on my plate, straightened up and turned around.

Brendan was standing about ten feet back, leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets. His hair was a bit shorter than I remembered, and I could tell he was tired, but otherwise he looked healthy. I could feel the blush in my cheeks as I stood there. I didn’t really know what to say so I just half-smiled.

“Hey.”

He returned the sentiment and said, “I like your hair. When did you do that?”

“Last week.”

He nodded in understanding. “Well, it looks good. You look good.”

I felt it happening, and I couldn’t stop it. I should have turned right around, given Aimee the signal and left the house. Maybe I should have slapped him. I should have done something…anything…but I didn’t. What I did was blush deeper, drop my head down to look at the floor and cut my eyes upward to see him through my eyelashes. There was a smirk on his face; he had me right where he wanted me and he knew it.

Brendan held his hand out to me and I slipped mine into it, faintly hearing Aimee’s warning behind me as we walked away. He led me to the stairwell, where I stopped on the
fourth step and he on the
third.

“I remember this trick,” I told him.

“Yeah, we always stood this way on stairs so we’d be the same height,” he agreed. “Made it easier to kiss you.”

I had butterflies in my stomach as he reached his arms up to put them around my shoulders. I turned my head to the side and blew out some air.

“You all right?” he asked.

“Yeah. I mean, no, not really.” I didn’t have my thoughts together, and I couldn’t form any words. All the tricks I had learned in therapy eluded me. I felt stronger than mere putty in his hands, but only slightly.

We stood there talking for a couple of hours, as the awkwardness slowly faded. I told him about the past semester, and he asked about some of the friends he’d met at Anderson that previous spring. We had a good conversation, shared a few memories and made each other laugh.

About the time I sensed we should be leaving, Aimee’s face appeared at the bottom of the steps. “We need to get going, Ness.”

“I figured. Just give me a minute, please.” I shifted my eyes back to Brendan’s face.

“Guess that’s my cue, huh?” I joked.

“Guess so. When do you go back to AU?”

“On the eleventh,” I told him.

“Do you think I’ll be able to see you again?”

It took all the strength I had left to tell him no.

“I just can’t, Brendan. It’s too hard to be your friend. I think it’s best if we say goodbye.”

“I get it,” he nodded. “I was just hoping.”

“I know,” I told him. “And I’ll still be here, I just need some time.” I raised my right hand and touched his face.

“I will always love you.” I leaned in to kiss him on the cheek, but he turned enough that our lips touched. I wasn’t angry with him and allowed the kiss to become more than it should have before breaking it off. I left him standing there as I walked away.

Aimee and I did not talk about it until we got back to her place. Once we both changed into some pajamas and she made us some coffee, I told her everything.

“So how do you feel?” she asked.

“Confused. Guilty, like I’m disappointed in myself.”

“Okay, but you both know it’s over, right?”

“Yeah, and I told him I didn’t want to see him again for a while.”

“Just give yourself a few months. I think you’ll feel better about it in time.”

The next two and half weeks went quickly. Between working for the temporary agency, spending time with Aimee, and rebuilding things with my parents I had little time to think about Brendan. When I did, though, I felt peace, proving I had made the right decision.

WE MET NATE right on time at Wendy's. I was so excited to see him, I barely allowed the car to stop before hopping out and running into his arms.

“Well, hello to you, too,” he chuckled. “You okay?”

“Yeah, just happy to be going home,” I sighed. “I'll tell you more about it in the car.”

“Fair enough,” he said and bent down to give me a quick kiss.

“Hi, Patricia,” he greeted Mom, who smiled and waved in return.

Keeping the early sunset in mind, we didn't take very long to eat and were in the parking lot saying goodbye sooner than I'd wanted.

Nate hugged Mom first and then went to get the car warmed back up, which gave us a few minutes alone.

“Thanks for doing this, Mom. I'm sure it wasn't the way you wanted to spend the week between Christmas and New Year.”

“Between the two of us, I'm sure this week has been much harder on you than me.”

With both of her hands on either side of my face she said, “I am so proud of you, sweetie.” She pulled me into a hug and we cried together.

“You could have ignored Aimee's request to see Brendan, or you could have gone to Toledo and been horrible to him. But you didn't. Even in this awful situation, you have managed to keep your faith in God in the center of it all. Daddy and I could not want wish for anything more.”

By now I was out and out sobbing. Saying goodbye to my former lover was hard, but it could not even compare to what I was feeling right now. Knowing that I was forgiven by not only my Heavenly Father, but by my parents too was an incredible concept. If the grace of God had not been apparent in my life before, it was now. I was standing in the arms of the woman I'd hurt the most, with my husband in the car beside me and was HIV free. Only through His amazing grace.

I WENT BACK to school and waited while the central Indiana winter slowly melted into early spring.

Not too far into the semester, each student got a letter explaining the new internet system that AU was putting into place. We were all very excited.

One evening, my roommate Sondra came home more animated than usual.

“What’s got you so worked up?” I asked her.

“I was just in the computer lab messing around and set up an account for you,” she declared.

“An account for what?” I asked her. “Like a bank account?”

“No, silly, an internet account.”

I looked at her with curious eyes. “Say what?”

“It’s this really cool thing I found called ISCA. You can make an account and chat with other people from all over the country,” she explained.

“Wow, really?”

“Yep, doesn’t that sound fun?”

“I guess, yeah,” I shrugged. “But why did you make me an account? Isn’t that something I should have done myself?”

“’Cause I know how you are, and I know you wouldn’t agree to it. If you don’t want to use it, fine.” She tried to act like she didn’t care but I knew better.

“All right, I’ll try it.”

Sondra helped me sign on, get a feel for everything and learn all the commands. Before long, I was a pro on ISCA.

One evening, I received a message from someone who called himself BigRedMachine. He said he was checking out the list of everyone’s names and saw I was from Anderson University.

“That’s close to my home town,” he typed. “Have you heard of Bryant?”

“Umm, no,” I responded.

“Okay, how about Portland or maybe Muncie?”

“Oh yeah, I’ve heard of Muncie. That’s where Ball State is.”

“Right! Well, I’m from very close to there.”

“That’s cool. Hey, I need to get to class, but you can chat with me again sometime.” And then I added a smiley face and logged off.

About a week later I heard from BigRedMachine again.

“Hey, remember me?” he asked.

“Sure do,” I typed. “How are you?”

“Doing well. Just busy with school work and such. You?”

“About the same. Looking forward to spring break; we leave tomorrow.”

And so our conversation continued for about an hour. I learned his real name was Nate and that Bryant was a very small farming community about an hour from AU. He told me he was attending Valparaiso University in northwest Indiana to get his accounting degree.

“Accounting? Ugh! I hate math!” I told him.

“Not me, I love it. Math is great because there is no gray area - 2+2=4 and that’s that.”

“I guess, but I’d rather write a 10 page paper for English than do a math problem any day,” I joked.

I told him I needed to log off and get ready to head home for the two-week break. “We don’t have a computer at home, so I’ll have to catch up with you when I get back to school,” I explained.

“How about we exchange phone numbers?” he suggested.

“Yeah, okay.”

We set up a specified time for him to call me that evening after supper so I could give him my home phone number, too. We had a great conversation, getting to know each other a bit more and becoming fast friends. We decided to talk at least a few times during spring break, keeping in mind his internship and work schedule and the fact that we’d be in two different time zones.

Almost from the start, I could tell Nate and I were getting close. It was exciting for me to think I could find love again after Brendan. But I didn’t want to move too fast and scare either one of us. I decided to talk with my mom and Aimee about it.

“He sounds great, ‘Ness.” Aimee hugged me. “I’m so glad you finally found a guy who’s worth your time.”

“I agree.” My mom smiled at me. “I can’t wait to meet him.”

“Whoa, don’t rush us,” I teased. “I want to take things slow. After...well, you know. I just want to be careful.”

“Have you told him about your relationship with Brendan?” Aimee was hesitant. “Or about Brendan at all?”

“Not yet. I’m afraid to tell him. What if he doesn’t want anything to do with me?”

“Janessa, if he’s the right one for you, hearing the truth won’t drive him away. You have to trust someone some time. I think you should tell him.” Mom squeezed my hand.

The next night when he called, I told Nate everything about my relationship with Brendan, from the time I was 16 through the kiss at Christmas. He listened with patience as I explained there was still one last test to take.

“I’m planning to do that one sometime in June here in Toledo,” I told him. “If I’m still negative, I want to celebrate with my family.”

“Sounds like a great idea,” he said.

As our relationship progressed, Nate asked if we could meet in person.

“I was thinking I could come to AU and see you. That way, if things don’t work out, I’ll just go home for the weekend. What do you say?”

“I would love that. I mean, you’re practically my boyfriend already,” I told him.