Tortured Beginning (19 page)

I here my doorbell go off, I was laying on the couch trying not to think of Trevan. I felt awful for dragging Nico into the mix, but he was great about it all. He left not long after the scene and I started getting down on myself.

I drag myself off the couch, when the person starts to pound on the door.

I yell, "Hold your fucking horses!"

I pull open the door to see Anne glaring at me from the other side. Shit, I'm not in the mood to get yelled at. I roll my eyes at her and turn around. I walk to the sliding door, to go outside for a smoke. I hear her close the door and follow me out.

Before I can get my first puff, she starts in on me.

"What the fuck is going on?"

I decide to play dumb, "What?"

"Don't Jay. You know what I'm talking about. Did I see Nico here this morning, or was that me dreaming?"

"No." I hate when she yells at me like a child. I beat myself up enough, I don't need her to start in on me too.

"No, what?"

"Don't Anne, just fucking don't." I take a long drag from my cigarette and look anywhere but at her.

She sits hard in the chair next to me and puts her head in her hands. I can tell she is struggling with how to talk to me.

"I don't understand. You seemed so happy with Trevan, what happened?"

I sigh, "He had his ex-girlfriend at his house. I made the decision easy for him."

"Damn, Jay. Did he want to break up?"

"I wasn't waiting to find out. They all leave sooner or later."

She shakes her head at me, "But you have to give them a chance, one will stay."

"Coming from the divorced woman. I always looked up to Kyle and you. Look how you turned out, look what he did to you."

"That's not fair. It doesn't always end like that, look at your parents."

"They are a rarity. I will never have that, I'm not worthy to have that."

"Do you hear yourself. Yes you are, if you let someone in." She looks at me with pleading eyes, and I look away from her. "How did Nico end up here, that was his bike, right?"

"Yeah. I went and got my tattoo done last night, he ended up doing it."

She shakes her head, "It's beautiful."

"Nico is more like me, we have always had a connection. He doesn't push me to be more than I am. I need to stick with people more like me."

"People like you? Where does that leave the rest of us?"

I don't want to answer her questions, so I simply smoke. We sit there for a long time, not talking . Both of us waiting for the other to talk. So I decide to change the subject, because I will not talk about me anymore.

"Who is at the shop?"

"Amanda, Kayla and the new girl. They are handling it today. I plan to go in later, to double check things."

"They got it. Leave them be, let them know we trust them. If they need anything they can call us. We want to promote one of them, they need to prove themselves."

"Yeah, you're right."

I've had a few days to myself, without anyone asking me about Trevan or Nico for that matter. I go to work, then home to escape back into my music. My life is one big shit hole and I'm not sure how to ever change. So many people have left me in my life.

Two men I trusted most, beside my dad, left me or beat me. Ben was one, and Derrick was the other. Ben beat me, Derrick left me. I don't want to feel how I did with either of them again.

Derrick was my best friend, we dated for a bit, but we were better friends. We were together all the time. Anne was newly married, and started having kids. So, I could always count on him to be there with me. He started using drugs, drinking and partying hard.

I did some with him, that didn't help either of us. When I quit doing them, he started doing more. I loved him and tried to help him. I don't think he knew how to stop. We were both young and how the hell did we know what to do. He told me that he loved me, and wanted only me. But I didn't see him like that, he was more a brother.

I felt bad for telling him that we would never be like that again. He was upset and stormed off. He tried calling me later that day, and I ignored his call. I didn't know what else to say to him. But I felt bad for not talking to him, so later that day I went to his house. I knocked, but he didn't answer, which was weird because his car was there.

I used the key he gave me to let myself in. I called out his name, to no answer. I checked the living room and kitchen. Then went upstairs to his room, which was empty. I knocked on the bathroom, and pushed it open.

I wanted to scream, but I ran to him. He was in the tub, his beautiful claw foot tub, I had always admired. I look down to his lifeless face and drop to my knees. I check to see if he has a pulse and he is cold. I feel the tears run down my face and shake my head.

"No, no, no, no." I kept saying, as if things would change.

I fumble for my phone and dial 9-1-1. I barely remember talking to the woman on the other end. I slide down and sit next to the tub. I put my head into my knees, and break down crying. That is how the EMS, finds us. I had his hand in mine, and I was crying uncontrollably.

I kept thinking, how could he leave me? And why?

I don't remember much from the funeral. Or any of those days, following his death. His mother kept asking me what happened, but I had no answers for her. We found out from the autopsy that he was taking a lot of drugs, and he died from an overdose.

A few days after the funeral, I received a letter. He had wrote me a letter and mailed it to me. I couldn't read it. It took me a few months to open it.

Jaylah,

By now I'm gone. I'm sorry to do this, but I can't keep on living. I love you to much to live without you. I can't be just your friend. Maybe that is selfish of me, but that is how I feel. I don't want to see you with other men. I don't want to see you marry another man and have his children. I just can't bare to see that. Maybe this is the cowardly way out, but I'm too far gone already.

Have a good life. And please remember I love you.

Yours always and forever,

Derrick

Once I finally read it, I read it over and over. How could he do this to me? How could he leave me? It wasn't fair.

I went into a dark place after that, until I met Ben. He helped bring me out of myself and he ended up betraying me too.

This is why I don't let people into my life. I only have a few people that I trust, and even them I don't let them in completely, not even Anne. How can I, when they only leave.

I shake myself from my train of thought, I need to stop. I keep dragging myself down.

I get up out of bed, it's time to go to work. I spent most of the night laying here thinking about all of this shit. I drag myself into the shower and let the hot water, wash away my thoughts. Once I'm done, I actually feel somewhat better.

I get dressed, and walk downstairs. I didn't make any coffee, and decide to wait until I get to work. I grab my jacket, purse and head out the door. I look up to the sky and take in a deep breath. I decide this is going to be a good day.

I laugh at myself, yeah right. Who am I trying to fucking kid. I get in my car and drive the short distance to the shop. I pull in the parking lot behind the shop and park. I'm the first one here, and I let myself in.

I decide the best medicine is to bury myself in my work.

I haven't heard from Jaylah since that night. I don't plan on waiting around this time for her to call me. I decide today is a beautiful day, we won't have much of these left, once winter hits. So I will go pick Jaylah up from work and take her for a ride. It always helps to clear ones mind.

I pull up to the front of the shop and park my bike. I take off the helmet and leave it on the seat next to my spare. The door dings, as I walk in. I look to the counter and there she is. She looks up to see me, and smiles.

"Hey you."

"Well hello, what brings you here?"

"You of course," I smile widely at her.

"Oh yeah," she smiles back at me.

"What time are you leaving? I want to take you for a ride, it's a beautiful day."

"I'm almost finished. Want a coffee, while you wait?"

"Sure."

She nods, and turns to make it. I watch her work and think how damn sexy she really is. I shake my head, I'm falling again for her. But this time, I won't push her. If I can get a little bit of her, making I can work at getting a little more.

I have my own demons, but don't we all. I just feel we have that in common with each other. Maybe we can help heal each other.

She turns around and hands me the cup of coffee.

"I will be done in about fifteen minutes."

I nod and head over to the couch in the corner. I sit, lean back and drape my arm along the back. I have a good view of the whole shop from here. I've only been in here a few times, and I'm taken aback at how nice it is. Yeah it's done in pinks and browns, but it works.

When I first meet Jaylah and she told me she owned a bakery/coffee shop, I couldn't picture it. I watch her working and she fits perfectly here. She smiles over at me and I smile back.

Once she is done, she walks towards me. I stand up, grabbing her hand to follow me. I toss my cup in the garbage and we head to my bike.

I look at her and run my knuckles across her face. I grab her and gently kiss her. I pull away and hand her the helmet.

"Let's go free ourselves."

"That sounds great."

She puts on her helmet and I make sure it's on right. I smile at her and then put mine on. I get on the bike and she follows me. She wraps her arms around me and I can't imagine a better feeling. I start it up and off we go.

I drive down Main Street and head towards, 32 Mile Road. I like going down this stretch, it never has a lot of traffic. I head west and decide to go down some dirt roads. We get lost in the ride and I can feel Jaylah relax behind me.

After riding for an hour, I find an open field. There isn't houses around it, so we can have some privacy. I pull over and get off to stretch my legs.

She takes off her helmet, "What are we doing?"

I take my helmet too, "I thought we could sit and talk."

"Oh."

"There is nothing around here we can just sit."

She walks over to the field and sits. She looks over at me and pats the ground next to her. I walk the distance and sit down.

I pull her down and we both look up into the sky watching the clouds. She leans over and I pull her close to me and wrap my arm under and around her. We don't talk for awhile and only watch the clouds. The days are getting shorter, so we won't have long out here.

"Thanks for this."

"For what? I only took you for a ride."

"Yeah, but it was so freeing. Damn, I felt so alive on it."

"Well I should of taken you on it sooner."

She smiles over at me and moves in closer to me. I hold her close and love the feel of her in my arms. Not like when we are fucking, this is more. I can feel something change between us.