Tortured Beginning (20 page)

I wish this moment wouldn't end. The ride with Nico was so freeing, it's the best I have felt in a long time. It was starting to get cold and we decided to get going. The only that gets me to leave is the thought about being on the back of his bike. Holding on to Nico, feeling him between my legs and the hum of the engine.

On the ride home, I free my mind of all my worries. I pull my arms from around Nico and put them above my head. I only do it for a moment, but damn that felt good. We have a long ride home, I hadn't realized how far we went.

When we pull back into the parking lot, to my car. I feel a huge disappoint to have our ride end. He parks next to my car and I swing my leg off the bike. I take of the helmet and Nico ties it to the back.

"You want to come over?"

"Sure," he smiles at me.

I smile back and nod. I get in my car and back out of my spot. He follows me the short distance to my house. I pull into my driveway and realize I hear my phone ringing in my purse. I pull it out and see that I have three missed calls. ]

I see that they are from my mom and sister.

"Fuck," I yell to myself. My dad has been sick and I know it has to do with him. I call my mom with shaky hands. Nico, opens the passenger door and gets in next to me, while I wait for her to answer. After four rings, she finally picks up.

"Where have you been?"

"Sorry, mom. What's going on with dad?"

"We are at the hospital. Come up here Jaylah."

"I'm on my way."

I turn to Nico, with tears in my eyes. He grabs me and envelopes me to him. He holds me while I let it all out. He pulls back and looks into my eyes.

"You okay? Do you want me to drive you?"

"No, I'll be fine. But thank you."

He nods, "Call me if you need me, anytime."

"I will."

I watch him get out of the car and get back on his bike. I follow him out and drive to the hospital. I don't remember much of the drive there. Mom didn't tell me anything over the phone. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.

I finally make it there, and pull into the parking lot closest to the ER. I park in the first spot that I see. I get out of the car and run the short distance to the entrance. I walk up to the desk and let them know I'm Mike Dean's daughter.

She let's me know to go through the big doors and he is in room fourteen. Once the doors open and I head down the hall, I hear my mother. I walk into the room to see my dad in the bed. He looks so weak laying there, and very out of it.

I walk in. My sister is in the chair in the corner and mom turns to me.

"What happened?"

"He fell. We aren't sure what happened. He wasn't feeling himself all day, and then he fell."

"Damn it." I walk to the bed and grab my dad's hand. They are cold and feel so old in my hand. It takes all of my me, not to break down in tears. "Hi dad. How are you?"

He looks up at me, "I'm fine. They are fussing for nothing," he waves at mom and Jaz.

"Well, we only want to make sure you are fine." I rub his hand as I talk.

He nods his head and sighs. He leans back on his pillow and I hate myself for not being here. I shouldn't have gone off with Nico.

The doctor walks in, and let's us know they are going to keep him. He will be fine, that the chemo has made him weak. But his white blood count is really low and they want to see them come up.

Jazmin says her good-bye to dad and I follow her out exit.

"Let me know if anything changes. I wouldn't leave if it weren't for the girls."

"It's fine. I will talk to you later."

She grabs me and hugs me. She pulls away, holding onto my arms.

"Stop beating yourself up. You didn't know this was going to happen."

I nod, hating that she knew what I was thinking.  I watch her leave and decide to call Anne. I get my phone and dial her number.

"Hey, you."

"Hi."

"What's wrong?" It's crazy that she can tell from that one word that something is wrong.

"Dad's in the hospital. He fell and they are going to keep him. His white blood count is low and they want to see it come back up."

"Oh, I'm so sorry. Do you want me to come up there? I can get my dad to watch the girls."

"No, don't. It's okay. We will get him settled and I can take mom home."

"Don't worry about work. I will call Kayla in."

"Thanks."

I turn the phone off and head back to dad's room.

It took them a long time to get dad into a room. We finally left and I needed to get mom home. I pull into the long driveway, up to my parents house. This is the house I grew up in, I always feel a love, hate relationship with coming here.

I had a great childhood, but I couldn't wait to leave as a teen. I was living at home still, when Derrick passed away. I have watched my dad grow old and frail in this house. Some days I can't handle more than a few minutes here. Every where you look, you see my dad.

The house is an old farm house, which was my grandparents house, before us. My dad put a garage on the side, which was his domain. He put a wood burning stove in there, and he loves spending hours out there, god only knows what.

The old barn, is a sight to see. It's huge, and has a lot of dad's treasures in there. Well what he considers treasure, is most people's trash. The barn is leaning, threatening to collapse on of these days.

There are several other out buildings and a wooden patio of the house. Mom's gardens are the envy of many women. The once working farm, is now a beautiful land of flowers.

I pull up next to the garage and get out with mom. I want to make sure that she has everything she needs. I can see the worry in her eyes, that she tries to hide from everyone. It may work for her friends at church, but it doesn't work on me.

We walk into the now dark house and mom turns on the light. We are in the kitchen, which is large. I remember all the times as a kid having dinner around that very table. I hate walking in here and not seeing dad in his spot at tha table. He watches the small TV, that is on it's built in stand in the corner. He loved having his snack at night watching his shows.

I shake myself, knowing he will be home soon. Mom thought the kitchen to get into her room to change. I walk into the extremely large family room, that was once also a dining room. Mom has only used this part of the family room for eating, during the holidays. They are really one room. She has a nice rocker in the corner, in front of the large picture window, that she loves to read at.

She has a large sectional couch in the other side of the room, in front of other large picture window. There are end tables at each side and then dad's recliner, not to far from mom's rocker. The entertainment center on the other wall, with the TV and all of mom's nick knacks.

Just off the living room is their master bedroom, and bathroom. Then you go upstairs which has four bedrooms and the attic. It's a big house and was great when we were all home. But now it's almost to much for my parents. Yet they love it and I actually couldn't imagine them anywhere else.

Mom comes out of her room, in her pajama's. She looks tired and older than I ever remember her being. She sits in her rocker and puts her foot on the little ottoman in front of it. She grabs the little blanket next to her and wraps it around herself.

"You want a cup of tea, mom?"

"Yes, thank you."

I walk into the kitchen and fill the kettle. I put it on the stove and get her cup down from the cupboard. I get her a sleepy time tea, with sugar and honey.

Once the kettle whistles, I pour the water into her cup. I walk back to mom and set it on the little end table next to her chair. She already looks like she is falling asleep. I know this had to be a long day for her. I decide I really don't want to leave her here by herself. I still have some of my old clothes in my room and I know I can throw on a nightgown.

I run upstairs and look in my dresser for it. Once I have it, I change. I look around my room and a flood of memories hit me. Anne and me laying on my bed, with our feet against the wall as we talked non-stop. Derrick hanging out with me, while my parents weren't here.

I sigh, not wanting to think about all this shit. It doesn't help that not much has changed in my room. Still the same flowered wallpaper and half finished closet, that dad built because there never were any in the rooms upstairs. The same furniture, with all my nick knacks. The doll my aunt gave me with her beautiful crocheted dress.

Again with the love, hate of it all. I grab the quilt from my bed and a pillow and decide to sleep on the couch. That way if mom needs me, I will be right there. I decide to make myself a cup of tea, to help relax me.

When I check on mom, she is asleep in the chair. I know she won't be there for long, she will get up and go to bed.

I go in the kitchen and make myself a tea. Once I'm done I walk back into the living room and make myself comfortable on the couch. I get the remote and surf through the channels and find a movie to put on. I take a few sips of my tea and set it down. Once my head its the pillow, I don't think I was up very long.

Dad was only in the hospital for a few days. He was looking better every day, and I was thankful for that. So, once he was home, mom was back to her old self. I didn't stay long, because I wanted to stop at work, since I haven't been there.

I leave dad sitting in his spot in the kitchen. Kissing him on the cheek and hugging him from behind. I walk out the door, stepping out on the deck. I look back through the big picture window, and smile to see him happy.

I drive the short distance to the shop, to see how things have been. I pull into the parking lot, and park in my usual spot. I already feel exhausted from the week I had. Now that I'm here, I wonder why I came.

I walk into the back of the shop and into the office, to see if there is anything waiting for me. Looking in my in box, not seeing anything, making me feel depressed. I put my head in my hands and sigh. What am I doing? I hear someone by the office and I don't bother looking up.